I can't seem
To hold it together

Oh gosh
I can't breath
This might be a problem

Here comes the shakes
Wonderful

Ouch
That hurts
My stomach is twisting
Am I going to *****?

I can't hold this pencil
My hand is covered in sweat
Fantastic

Ugh
I can't do this assignment
My brain is rushing too fast
How do you spell the again?

Is my heart still beating?
Did I just die?
My chest is so tight
This can't be good

I can't focus
Is that a penguin on my paper?
When did that get there?

What?
How long has he been talking to me?
Focus
Who is that?
Oh
That is my buddy
Hi buddy

What is he saying?
I know he is saying something
I can see his lips move
And hear his voice
But what is he saying?

"In and out, Monica.
In.
Out.
Focus on me."
Oh
There he is

Is it over?
Am I free now?

I can breath again
My tummy still feels funny
But that feeling usually likes to stick around

Is my heart trying to escape?
It must have been too tight
So it crawled into my throat
Interesting

The air fills my lungs again
It feels wonderful
Even if it was only a few seconds
I missed my oxygen

"Are you okay?"
Another buddy asks
She's cool

"Are you sure?"
My guy buddy is talking to me again
Cool. They must really care

"Ya. I'm okay. It was just an anxiety attack."

Today's society disgusts me
With the skimpy clothes
And must have Jordan's

I'm sick of seeing
How the women dress
And how the girls dance

I'm sick of how
Females are told to be skinny
I'm sick of how
Woman are told to wear makeup
In order to be pretty

I'm sick of how men have to be muscular
To get the girl
I'm sick of how
Men have to like cars and dinos

I'm sick of how
To some people, women aren't equal
I'm sick of how
It is strange to some, for guys to be in drama

I'm so sick of our society
And how there are so many standards

I see what is on TV
And magazines
And books

I feel the pressure
To be pretty
And skinny
And fit

I'm sick of our society
And how it makes me self conscious
I hate how society
Makes me worry about my weight

I'm sick of our society
And how we're all controlled
By a green piece of paper
And skimpy clothes
And fancy shoes

I'm sick off all of this
And all the pressure
That comes with

**** it up
Bottle it up
And put it all away

Weakness isn't an option
Vulnerability is pathetic

Don't let them close
You will be hurt
So much more

Smile
Hide it
Don't let it out

Ignore the flashbacks
Ignore the memories

You can handle the pain
You need those walls
Build them up
Shelter the pain

No one else
Needs to know
How broken you really are

Just show the surface
But don't look for pity
Pity makes it worse
But you know that

**** it up
Bottle it up
Hide the pain
It doesn't matter anyway

You can cry later
Feel the pain in silence
Cry yourself to sleep
When no one else is watching

Weakness isn't an option
And vulnerability is so pathetic

Smiles all around
But something seems different
Something seems wrong

But we ignore it
Ignore all the problems
Ignore all the hate
And hurt

We smile
We laugh
We hug
We dance

We forget tomorrow
Like it was yesterday

So the smiles keep on coming
Numbing the inevitable pain

One day
The numb will melt away
With the love of loved one
Like ice
In your warm hand

Today
We are together
Once friends
Now family

All with our own problems
But with our lives intertwined
Together
We smile

Tomorrow
Is yesterday
When we loose our smiles

And tomorrow
Is when
We work together

Close friends
Practically family
With smiles
And laughs

Because tomorrow
We have problems
And today we share smiles

Lonely sidewalk
Empty thoughts

The houses
Judging expressions
As if knowing
Who I am

Avoiding puddles
That dance with the wind

The wind plays with my hair
Pushing it into my face
Causing me to have difficulty seeing

Racing clouds
Rushing towards an unreachable destination

They shed their tears
A misty rain
Landing on my face
Like small, gentle kisses

A small sigh
Escapes my lips
As I absorb
My surroundings

The day seems dreary
Shadowed by rain
But it doesn't have to be
So it won't be

I'm told I need to forgive you
For everything

For all the things done
For all the things said
For all the things you became
For all the things we became

I'm told I need to forgive you
For the monster you were
For the control you forced

I'm told I need to forgive you
Because it's only going to **** me

The anger
The hurt

I get it
I really do
But I don't know
How forgiving you
Will fix that

But then again
I know they are right
I know that
If I forgive you
It will stop killing me

I was told that
Holding this grudge
Is like drinking poison
Hoping it will **** you

And I know
Inside
It's true

Killing myself
No matter how slowly
Isn't going to hurt you

It just gives you more control
It just brings me more pain

I was told I need to forgive you
In order to move on

And I know its true
For both me and you
But

It's hard to forgive you
And it's impossible to undo
What was done by you

But I'm trying
Trying to forgive you
Forgive your monster
And forget your name

Forget your name
That brings back all the pain
That brings the self hate

But that's why I've got to forgive you right?
So maybe
One day
It won't hurt
When I hear your name

I was told I need to forgive you
For the monster you became
For all the pain

I was told I need to forgive you
Before I can forgive *me

I'm sick of being the bad guy
The pain
Destruction
And torture

I'm sick of being the bad guy
In all the roles I play
Life is just a movie
And I'm always to take the blame

I'm sick of being the bad guy
Always at the end of the gun
Words being my enemy

The words are as sharp as knives
Feel like the bite of a bullet

I'm sick of being the bad guy
Who isn't ever good enough

I'm sick of being the bad guy
Feeling pathetic
With every word I say

I'm sick of being the bad guy

I'm sick of being the bad guy

I'm so SICK of being the bad guy

Is it time to change roles yet
When can I save someone
Instead of destroy them

I want to bring hope
Not despair

People say
I'm not the bad guy
But the mirror says otherwise

I see every fault
Which pulls out the demons
The monsters

I'm sick of being the bad guy
Always being the one to **** up!
Always being the mistake
Always being the bad guy

I'm sick of it!
I can't take it!
I want to be the good guy!

If I'm the bad guy any longer
I might just crack
Cave under pressure

When will I be good enough
Strong enough
Powerful enough
To be the good guy

**BECAUSE I'M SICK OF BEING THE BAD GUY!!

What do you see
When you see me

Do you see a beautiful young lady
Oozing potential

Bright grey eyes
And a big smile

Tall posture
Showing confidence

An outgoing girl
Ready to take on the world

When I look in the mirror
I see me

But who am I
Cliche really
The simple three worded question

I see a girl
With troubles in her eyes
And a smile full of lies

Being outgoing
Is my defence
Go all out
Let no one in

Tall posture
Is the result of a saying
"If you can't blow them away with your brilliance, baffle them with your *******."

In reality though
It's all self hate
Thoughts of

'You're not good enough'
'You're unforgivable'
'Nothing you do will ever be enough'

In reality
I am what you see
And what you see is me

And what you read here
Is another part of me
That I don't let people see

Is this what you see
When you meet me

Please don't hate me
For the secrets that chain me

I hoped you wouldn't see
What is underneath

I'm a monster myself
There is no way to deny

So shield your heart
Shield your ways

Because once your mine
There is no escape

No where to run
Or hide

The monster inside
Reaches out
Towards anyone close

Threatening to revel my secrets
Secrets that will destroy me
Destroy your affection for me

I'm ruled by a monster
That lives inside
It takes over

I'm the monster

I will butcher your heart
It's not a matter of if
It's a matter of when

You deny it
I see it in your eyes

Look at my history
My beloved
Everything I touch
Is destroyed

I'm a monster

And no matter what you say
It will happen

Because the monster
That becomes me
Is sedated at the moment
But it will come out

It always does
Through the hurt
The pain

It awakens
And swallows me

Then I'm the monster
And I'm destructive
And vicious

And unintentionally
Will DESTROY you

I am a **monster

My past haunts me
My future taunts me

But when I'm with you

I'm at peace
And it's weird
But wonderful
All at the *same time

I have a closet
In the back of my mind

It is where I chose to hide
All the things I want to deny

The problems
The hurt
All have a place
In my mind

The closet

Sometimes it doesn't close
Because of an overflow
But I chose to ignore it

When I'm depressed
The demons break free
And they control me

The closet door is broken
And my self control is lost

The hurt
The pain
The loss
The problems

My demons

They strangle me
They tear at my heart
They tear at my soul

All because my closet door
Is broken
Shattered

Hope seems lost

But I work
And so does my construction crew
To fix my closet door
To contain my demons

To give me hope once more

How can't you see
I'm broken inside
I'm damaged goods
No hope insight

You say I'm fantastic
Beautiful
And kind

How can't you see
I'm worth just being left behind
I don't understand
How I'm worth your time

You say you love me
You say you care
I don't understand
Your thought process

How can you love me
When I'm so broken inside
My heart butchered
Broken into pieces

What if I'm broken beyond repair
My heart may just be another snare
What if you're just wasting your heart
Trying to repair mine

My love will just leave you in despair
As I've got nothing to spare
My love is a poison
And it will leak into your soul

So be ware
My cautious lover
I might hurt you
Might even **** you a little

Because I'm broken
My love like shards of glass
I'm damaged
Maybe beyond repair

I love you
Cautious lover
I'll let you use your time
On a heart as broken as mine

Be careful
My dear
Because I fear
I might just be a waste of your time

26 letters

Thousands of combinations
Known as words

Combinations strung together
In phrases
Lines
Sentences

Some used to build
Some to destroy

Poetry
Rhyming
Feelings
Patterns

Stories we share
Pieces of our life
Feelings we hide from the people in our little world

But it's only combinations
Nothing but 26 letters

Billions of people
Billions of problems

But it only takes one
One smile
One laugh
One "hello"
One "it's going to be okay"

It takes one person
One life
To affect thousands

It takes you

You have the power
To save a life
Or take a life

Your words
Your actions
Might mean nothing to you
But they could mean the world
To somebody else

Use your 'power'
To those in need
Show the love you have

Be a rebel
In our society
Reaching out in kindness
Is rare

So be a rebel
Be kind
And remember
You have the power
To save lives
The question is:

*WILL YOU TAKE IT?

How do you find
The source of pain?
It's not like
It's screaming my name

So many things
Try to take the fame
For causing me
The most pain

My ex boyfriend
Is a manipulative *****
Who thinks he knows
What's best for me

My mother is sick
But slowly getting better
Even without
A doctor to help her

I am in love
With my best guy friend
But I'm afraid
Because of my ex boyfriend

My real dad
Is an *******
But if you ask him
He'll deny it

I guess somehow,
It's all my fault...

I should have listened about my ex

I should be grateful my mom is getting better

I should know to trust my best friend not to hurt me

I should learn my father won't change

But it's all the same
They still cause me pain
I wish you could see
What it's all doing to me

Silence
Peace at last
The subtle breeze
Sending chills down the spine
Silence
Snow falling
Coating the world in white
Making it pure
A fresh slate
With a layer of silence
Peace
Calm
The steam of breath
Escaping the body's warmth
The coat wrapping the body doesn't seem close enough
The cold seeps in
But its beautiful still
Beautiful silence
Beautiful snow

I can't see
Why you did this to me

I don't understand
Was this part of your plan

Why do you hurt me
Even when you're so far away

I can't move on
For I am afraid

Why do you want
All of my soul
It's like you have
All the control

You've been gone for five months now
With the occasional small talk

You're my worst mistake
One that will last forever

I wish you were someone
I couldn't remember

I met someone new
But constantly think of you
All the pain you caused

I'm afraid for this someone new
That I'll hurt him
And be like you

I'm afraid for me
That this someone new
Will be just like you

Everyone has pain
Troubles they hide
Things they deny

That girl
Who is hardly 16
Has a baby on the way
And hears every hateful thing you say

A boy of 17
Being pushed from his home
For reasons unknown

The girl you call emo
Has a mental disorder
And feels nothing but hate

The skinny girl
With scars on her arms
She feels all alone
In her broken home

So many problems
Everyone has something
They wish would dissapear

One thing that needs to be clear
Is we ALL have problems
We all shed tears
We all laugh
We all scream
We all whisper
We all have something in common

It's called being HUMAN
Something inevitable
So we all have problems
But we've all got loved ones
People who really care

The little things in life
That make it all worth while

The "how are you"s
And "later boo"s

The forehead kisses
And comfort hugs

The goofy laughter
And silly faces

The baby cousins
And great grandmas

It's the little things in life
That make me hold on

Don't forget the little things honey
If you're going down that path

It's no fun
I've been one
It seems long
Just hold on

You'll win
Just hold on
To the little things

Swaying trees
And singing birds
Dancing daises
And busy bumble bees

The grass brushes her skin
Touching her lightly with it's soft fingertips
The wind pulls at her hair playfully

She looks up
Sensing his presence

He was beautiful
Strong and lean
A smile of angels

She looked down
To the meadow in which she sits
She smooths the perfect fabric of her dress

His voice silences the birds
The wind slows to a stop
Everything is calm
Quiet

The wold revolves around this stranger
This attractive stranger

She sat still
Very aware of the stillness
Inside and out

Then

A single phrase
A string of words
Forces a racing heart

"I've come to you, my dear."

We're all corrupt inside
No matter how much we try to deny
What if you and I
Had monsters to hide?
Secrets to keep
And people to please
Just keep in mind
We're all corrupt inside
We all have something to hide

It changes you
Strangles you
Makes you question everything

Bitter heartache
And harsh words

Instant regret

Painful sorrow
Self loathing

Thoughts of death
Of disappearing

regret

Thoughts of pain
And permanent tattoos

regret

So many regrets
So many pains

It changes you
Strangles you
Makes you question everything

Stomach flips
Heart in throat
Clammy palms
Anxious steps

It's all of your fault
Your stupid face
Poisoning laugh
And terrifying voice

The power you have
Is incredible
Truly unfathomable

One word from you
Can ruin my world
Can break me down
Can hurt me deeply

You know me too well
You know how to cut deep
You know my weakness
You know my flaws

I gave you everything
And so much more
Now we're done
And you can use it against me

Your promises are just words now
Words that made me swoon yesterday
Make me cry today

So I'm kind of at a loss
Unsure what to do
I can't breath
I can't survive

Since you have control
The power you have
Is incredible
Truly unfathomable

I'm not afraid
Of you

I'm not afraid
To be me

I'm not afraid
To tell you the truth

I'm not afraid
I'm not afraid

.....

I'm terrified
Of you

I'm terrified
To be me

I'm terrified
To tell you the truth

I'm not afraid
I'm terrified

**OF YOU

How can you tell
When you care so much
It hurts
How can you tell
When you cross the line
Between friendship
And whats on the other side
What do you do
When he is all you can think about
But he isn't within reach
How do you hide
What you feel inside
From your best friend
Why is it so hard
To accept having to share

But most of all
**What do I do with these feelings?

5 months
   153 days
          3,672 hours
I still taste your kiss
    I still feel your embrace
           I still hear your voice
But I also hear the fights
    I still hear the insults
           I still feel the guilt

I want to hate you
I want to despise you
I want to push you away

But I can't

I can't stop loving you
I can't stop thinking of you
I can't breath around you

I hate myself
But I miss you

So innocent
So small
So beautiful

Sweet child
So pure
So bright

Be careful
Sweet baby
The world is cruel
Your light shines bright
Just like a jewel

They will try to crush you
Crush your soul
Break your light

So be careful
Be bright
But protect your light

I love you sweet baby
My love is with you
Show your love
**CHANGE THE WORLD

A poem a day
Keeps my crazies away
A poem a day
Keeps the monsters at bay
A poem a day
Keeps the doctors away

Softest touch
Of the peddled rose
But in one place it will stand
So young
So sweet
So innocent
It rises to the sun
Not afraid to shine
So many try to cut down
The small piece of paradise
It's thorns are tiny daggers
Ready to protect
So the softness of the rose
Is protected by the thorns
Innocence maintained
Beauty adored

Mother
Give
Father
Give
Brother
Give
Sister
Give
Go, go, go
Give, give, give
Where am I
Am I gone
Did I give everything away
Did I ever really exist
My screams are choked
I don't have a voice
I gave it away

She smiles
Her eyes sparkle
She laughs
She is full of energy
But inside
Inside she's hollow
Behind her sparkling eyes
Are held back tears
Inside her laughs
Are hidden cries
She stands tall
With weights in her hands
With in every line
Is a hidden lie

Broken ribs
Punctured heart
Broken memories
Punctured lungs
Wasting away
Blinded eyes
Am I alone
I can't breath
My heart is broken
My screams are choked
Can you hear me
Can you see me
I'm wasting away
My life is short
Do you care
Do I care
My heart is broken
My memories are broken
Everything is broken

Fake smiles
Pretend laughs
Broken hearts
And missed memories
Shedding tears
And hidden sobs
Sniffling nose
And rehearsed lines
All to pass one more minute
One more day
Time doesn't stop for a broken heart
So lie your way through it
With your fake smile
And pretend laugh
Hide your broken heart

I hate this house
I hate this town
I hate this school
Echos
So many echos
Echos in the halls
In my living room
On the street
I'm plagued by the echos
Of you and me
The touch of your lips
The strongness of your hugs
The echos of your so called love
Memories
Echos
I hate this house
I hate this town
I hate this school
I hate these echos

Blank walls
Empty space
Closing in
Can't escape
No way out
Empty shouts
Screaming echos
Bleeding ears
I can't see through all these tears
Which way's up
Which way's down
I want to crumble to the ground
My lungs collapse
My ribs shatter
Punctured heart
It doesn't matter
I can't believe I'm still alive
Is everything around me a lie
Blank walls
Empty space
Am I about to be erased
Closing in
Death to come
I can't win
It's too strong

A light after dark
Smiles all around
Music pulsing through speakers
Into my veins
A new hat sitting on my head
A souvenir
A marker in time
The snake wrapped itself in my arms
Whispering sweet nothings into my ear
I laughed and scrunched my nose
Click
Moment captured
Forever remembered in time
Good times
Good music
A family reunited
A light after dark