I believe I have forgotten how to cry
The pressure builds in my chest
But nothing comes out
I can feel the frustrations going
As quickly as they came
The indifference sinks in
And I wish I could go back to the time
Where I was okay

But the more and more I think about it
I don't know if that time ever existed

I have always felt left out of everything
I have never been in the loop
I have never felt like I belonged within all the groups

I wish I could drop it all
And leave without a trace

I don't want these toxic feelings
I don’t want the toxic waste

I wish I was back in humboldt
Where I could go days without trouble
Everything was so much easier
But everything was not much better

Why cant I be happy?

I feel as though I am constantly chasing after love
but the only thing I’m chasing is the bitter taste it leaves behind.

I can’t stop.

I thought I was addicted to social media
But it was you that I only followed
So I deleted my Twitter
I deleted my Instagram
But I couldn't delete you
Now, I wait for the 24 hour span
To see a snap of your life
And for those 5 seconds
A ping strikes through my heart

Every day I try to convince myself
I have no capacity to love
But in reality I have no capacity
Because you took up all the space

How do I delete you?

The ocean bodies resting on the shores of my eyes
every blink seeming to happen farther and farther apart

I am the abyss at the bottom of the sea
I engulf the darkness
keeping all the monsters
the ugly
the things no one knows exist

i feel so
**heavy

What is a threat to validity
But a validity to threat
The constant need of reassurance that everything is forever
When everything is nothing
And nothing is everything
And anything that is everything will come to an abrupt
End.

We fear the inevitable
When the inevitable
is more constant than the evitable
So why
run?

"its actually you-"
he laughed
"surprising enough."

Me.
The poltergeist.

"Yes you. Your image."

My image.

"You are the ghost."

That will haunt you forever.

"I wouldn't mind..."

I am chained to you.

"I feel alive in you"

Like the constant energy amounted in a sea of stars.

"Almost like how two objects have a gravitational
pull with each other."

To separate would cause inevitable turmoil.
You are mine.
Always have been,
always will be.

I dated  a poet once
who thought my eyes
were brighter than the sun.
I was his muse,
his life revolved around me.

He gave me a poem once.
He was nervous
the note was moist
in perspiration.

The brightness in my eyes
made him see I was the one.

But oh,
little did he know

the fire burning
in my eyes
was not for him
but for something more.

I was his sun
and he dared not to
stray from his orbit.

I thanked him
and walked away
because what I wanted
he could not offer.

I dated a poet once,
who does not write anymore.
I took his fire with me,
forevermore.