It never occurred to me
When I realized that half is quite the difference
your hair was curly and mine straight

It never occurred to me
When you never called
Or when you barely came home to visit
When the gifts you gave
Told me you didn't know much about me
And weren't particularly interested in trying to

(But I kept them anyway,
Because maybe you did care)

It never occurred to me
When I started to forget
How you appeared in my life
Or when I kept your picture up on my bedside
For months after the fact

It never occurred to me
When I realized I never felt quite close enough
When I heard my name was still in your mouth
Despite not talking for years

But when I was in my comm class
And my professor said
Identities exist in relation with one another
It finally hit me.
I am not a sister,
Because I do not have one.

I feel a restless urge I cannot fight
But must make peace with
I feel a yearning in my soul

Does anyone hear my voice?

It is an arrow shot into the dark,

A museum label
Failing to describe the exhibit

It is a sunrise behind glass.
I want it to be freed
I do not have the tools to free it.
The words I speak
Aren't enough.

I need a sound, a touch, a taste
And more to express even an inkling
Of all I think, and therefore all I am

Do you feel the meaning?

I fear it will never dawn in your eyes.

I fear the light is only dim in mine.

Waking up to a light and the sound of music
Only to shut it off
Sitting in silence until I zero in on the sound
I hear the rain falling over my roof
It's white noise, thinking, then pulling back the covers.

I met you on that bridge
Walking through the snow.
Face to face with you,
I used my palms to cover your ears
Mouthed "I no longer need you".

I saw your gaze harden
And felt you push me away,
Then I went on my way
Opposite from where I came from.

I doubt that you're still there
Standing underneath the streetlight
Silhouette all aglow
But I am still so sure
That I'll keep looking behind me
Hoping to see your ghost.

Internalizing anxiety can **** you, my dear
That's what they said
Over and over again
So much so the impact left a ripple
An echo throughout my entire headspace

So I'll have to throw it up
Reach between my ribs and take it out
There's a knot there
Or a stone, a tumor
Some tension I can't quite name
I can't tell where it came from

But I can
See, It's the feeling of fear
Fear of disappointing myself of others
So I work and I work and I work
But not well, no
I work from fear
I keep tension and it keeps me

I may have to disassemble myself to release it
But It's so painstaking
Like writing a message to
A colleague, a classmate, a friend, a lover
Does this sound brash, or cold, or needy, or...?
How can I speak to myself without creating further damage?

Note(s) to self:
Let it go, because once you do you will feel lighter.
Don't be afraid to enjoy life, don't take your demons too seriously.
Waiting for someone else to save you is
only wasting your potential,
And calm seas rarely make good sailors, anyway.
It's not your fault.
Just because you're imperfect doesn't mean you don't
Deserve to exist, or be loved.
People will misunderstand you and your intentions
Make peace with the fact that
It's inevitable, unless both of you are willing to change that later.

Flow like water, don't sink like the stones you carry.

Give yourself a chance.
Work on it.

The season I decided
I didn't want to
Rip dead grass from the ground
And plate it like a fine meal

But sow new seeds
And look forward

***** where the greener pasture is,
I'll grow it myself.

I thought I saw you walking
I say it casually but that's a lie
Gave me a heart attack
But it wasn't one, no
It felt like a lightning strike
Sent from the heavens
Like some sort of divine torture I'm not meant to understand
Could you make it stop??