Waking up to a light and the sound of music
Only to shut it off
Sitting in silence until I zero in on the sound
I hear the rain falling over my roof
It's white noise, thinking, then pulling back the covers.

I met you on that bridge
Walking through the snow.
Face to face with you,
I used my palms to cover your ears
Mouthed "I no longer need you".

I saw your gaze harden
And felt you push me away,
Then I went on my way
Opposite from where I came from.

I doubt that you're still there
Standing underneath the streetlight
Silhouette all aglow
But I am still so sure
That I'll keep looking behind me
Hoping to see your ghost.

Internalizing anxiety can **** you, my dear
That's what they said
Over and over again
So much so the impact left a ripple
An echo throughout my entire headspace

So I'll have to throw it up
Reach between my ribs and take it out
There's a knot there
Or a stone, a tumor
Some tension I can't quite name
I can't tell where it came from

But I can
See, It's the feeling of fear
Fear of disappointing myself of others
So I work and I work and I work
But not well, no
I work from fear
I keep tension and it keeps me

I may have to disassemble myself to release it
But It's so painstaking
Like writing a message to
A colleague, a classmate, a friend, a lover
Does this sound brash, or cold, or needy, or...?
How can I speak to myself without creating further damage?

Note(s) to self:
Let it go, because once you do you will feel lighter.
Don't be afraid to enjoy life, don't take your demons too seriously.
Waiting for someone else to save you is
only wasting your potential,
And calm seas rarely make good sailors, anyway.
It's not your fault.
Just because you're imperfect doesn't mean you don't
Deserve to exist, or be loved.
People will misunderstand you and your intentions
Make peace with the fact that
It's inevitable, unless both of you are willing to change that later.

Flow like water, don't sink like the stones you carry.

Give yourself a chance.
Work on it.

The season I decided
I didn't want to
Rip dead grass from the ground
And plate it like a fine meal

But sow new seeds
And look forward

***** where the greener pasture is,
I'll grow it myself.

I thought I saw you walking
I say it casually but that's a lie
Gave me a heart attack
But it wasn't one, no
It felt like a lightning strike
Sent from the heavens
Like some sort of divine torture I'm not meant to understand
Could you make it stop??

I consider my existence a series of soul ties.
They are not just to any old dead
And they share something other than
what science said they did

A birthright, a lineage
A path of light, or shadow

They passed down pieces of their soul
Comprised of the souls that came before them
So I think it's more than DNA
or DNA is more than science
And science is more than what it says

Sometimes I forget
Because I see breathing blood
And it's not in a vacuum
And its not all blood

But then I remember
How she wanted to be a career woman
Or how another spoke Spanish
Or how he wrote a book left unpublished

Strange and magical, beautiful
While tired, hidden, and creating

Just as I am
Tired of conjugation, childless,
and writing

I consider my existence a series of soul ties
An inheritance of affinities
A set of dreams bursting to break through.

If my heart is an ocean
Gone unexplored
Then why is it here?

I try to drain it
Make it palatable
Because on its own, it feels like too much

Layers upon layers
Light, deep blue, darker
I'm not sure where the bottom is

It's got to be for something

I've got to feel for something

They reach out their hand
And trail their fingers over the surface
Not seeking further depth
I hate that I do the same
I don't invite them in.

If my heart is but an ocean gone unexplored
Then why is it here?