He was the person I never thought I would like. I may never have noticed him at first glance, and I do not think he is the type of person I will break my neck to take a look at again if I happen to see him somewhere in the grocery, or randomly at the mall. Well, let me explain who I am first. I am a person who have a hard time liking a person. Love at first sight never worked for me. Something should happen, something should trigger, before I can actually claim that I like a person. So, I guess this is still in my normal "feelings" range.

The trigger would be his smile. But the difference is, I may have liked his smile a little too much. I am the person who loves to see people smile. Who, in any circumstances, wants to make the mood in the room lighter. If I hear people laugh, or smile genuinely, it would make me happy. But his smile was the first smile that made my entire day. Entire day. This is the first time that this happened.

Life is something for everyone. Life is always a roller coaster, as most would say, that it is a mixture of pain and rainbows. And it is no different with my life. There are people who are just surviving with no hope remaining in their hearts, and I would lie if I will say that I was not one of those people.

I planned to live a routinely life. A life where I will just focus on my growth and making my mindset positively stronger, and my person will just come. I visualized everything, but I knew, deep in my heart, that I have no hope left. I was just trying to live. Waiting for the day to come that I will actually look forward to tomorrow. "Tomorrow" was non-existent for me, and I always think that it is a good thing. That even when I do not have any hope at all, it would be fine. But not until I noticed his smile. It would be an exaggeration to say that his smile gave me, literally and figuratively, hope.

I started to look forward to the next day. My day got brighter, and people have noticed the sudden mood shift that I have. And then the next day, and the next day. All I was thinking was, how can I see his smile again? When can I see his smile again? Will his smile be brighter today? I basically memorize his smile everyday, because I like the feeling of thinking about his smile. It gave me the push to hope for things. To hope that everything will be better, that there is still a chance for life to be better. For life to be lived.

But life really has its own way of pushing everyone. Life has its own way of showing its claws again the moment you think that everything is turning out okay. This was when he became more than his smile to me. Out of all the suddenly's, suddenly his presence made me feel at peace. I do not have to look at him, or to memorize his smile anymore. Just to feel his presence for a few minutes was enough to make me feel okay. I never asked for comfort from anybody, emotionally. But there was something that is pushing me to seek comfort from him, at least through a few words. I decided to follow my gut and asked him for a few comforting words. He wrote back, and those words were something that made me cling to hope again.

He does not know this effect he has on me, but I just wanted to put this here as a memory that someone, in their own ways, showed me that there is a life to be hopeful for. That someone's smile can literally save someone's life.

If there will be a time that he will have the chance to read this, all I can say is: "Thank you for saving me. Thank you for giving me hope. I hope there will be one day that I can repay you for saving me."

Guilt is devouring me whole
it’s holding me accountable
it’s screaming at me.

There is freedom in isolation,
in being idle and invisible,
where one could sit in muteness,
swim widely in dusk and ask,
"Am I really here,
if no one is around to see?"
A different kind of suicide

There is pleasure in being a shadow,
in pretending you don't exist,
to avoid acting like you do

Solitude isn't a time for me
to let myself free
but rather a time to free myself
from who I am

Outside the confinement of company,
I am anyone and anything,
I am someone else, somewhere else
I am alive,
but I am no one
I am alone

a.r.

One who doesn’t have a prayer,
roams unaccompanied in lonely streets.

One who fights the void day after day,
is unsure of how hell looks now.

One who wonders if it’s lost forever,
the love of humanity.

One who rots in isolation,
is questioning if they were ever made a soulmate.

One who seeks,
and finds no one.

I watch my mother beg for love by God ,
The same way I begged for her love once

We are quite similar ,
Longing for something that is not there

Expect she looks up to a God ,
And I look up to my mother

My father holds the reaper’s hand at my bedside.
It has a light grip, just as how he used to hold mine
when I was a little girl.

Your warm skin, the one that used to embrace me,
is now cold and
sends a shiver down my spine knowing what is to come.

You showed me the beauty of the world,
but now I watch the end of it,
and it fades with you.

Father, everything you’ve told me
is written in my soul.
I will go out and spread it, one by one.

I wish that I could stop the sky from wanting.