They call it high for a reason -
I'm soaring above the grass,
such a vivid shade.
The clouds swirl above me,
and I breathe in the breeze.

Why are you here
still stuck in my head
when I should have moved on,
and it's been over a year?
Why do I hate you,
when all you did was
leave?

You help me feel
like I can really
live again,
like I can be human.

I’m not a ghost,
for you have made me
real.

"Where do you want to be in five years?"

Happy,
safe,
full of food and mirth,
and not wishing
to die.

Do not be ashamed of what you feel,
for you are human.
Your feelings are completely normal,
and I have felt the same.
We both have something
that drags in the mud behind us,
But I believe that we
can help each other relieve
those weights.

Desite the recent peace I’ve felt,
I can’t help but notice
a shade looming over my shoulder,

Waiting.

In your eyes
lies safe haven,
real promises,
and genuine affection.

so many people want to die
and it makes me
want to cry

I'd tell you who I am, but
I'm not sure that
I know anymore

Am I
(a) a friendly girl
(b) an emo(tional) girl
(c) a freak
(d) someone who will die young
?

I
don't
know

Is there an option
for (e) all of the above?

Pictures dance in my head
but my pen refuses to bring them to life
So I spill the words instead.

We're
mirror-minds,
you and I.

Sometimes I wish I could forget how to breathe
and just sink.
Would you still come after me?

Last night
I dreamed I was high,
Once again able to touch the sky.
I woke up
with my body aching
and my mind spinning,
and reality was all too real.

Nights like this are a curse.

The threads between us
multiply
and strengthen our connection
with every word.

Silently thinking about
all things not English
while my classmates discuss
King Lear
I'm just not focused
on insanity and poisonings
and hubris and honor and fate
I'd much rather spill my thoughts
onto this blank white box
Silent musings of all things not English
while my classmates discuss King Lear.

Oh, yes,
I'm fine,
just a little lonely
with a side of mildly suicidal.

But don't worry,
I'll still be breathing
in the morning.

How long can I wait
for that Happy Ever After
How long can I wait
for The End?
My book is so thin
right now
Unwritten
with some pages I wish could be torn out
But the story I have now
is important
for what will be written in the future
So the pen keeps moving,
the story goes on
I will keep writing
my now.

Look up
At smears of wet cotton sitting on
A smooth glass table
Beneath a blue ceiling
That  holds a bright light  
OUT!
Dark, dark, and cold  
Leaks through three cracks in the glass
Drip, drip, drop
Ups and downs that just won't stop.

Well, Mike Shinoda's words are true,
time is a valuable thing
And I wish I could freeze it
for just another month, maybe two

I'm not ready to leave you.

Raw, raw, raw
What am I? Raw
A fountain of untamed emotion
Held inside like wind in a bottle
What a I? I am a disappointment,
but aren’t we all?
I’m not quite sure why
I lie here and I cry
as I consider the time,
or the lack of it
We all lose time, it slips
out of our hands like grains of sand
So why do I lie here and cry
over it, over my dwindling time
with you, which has now been cut short
by doubts and suspicions?
Because I am human,
a victim of time and lies and emotion
And because you are, too.

I think the universe
is deliberately messing with my head.
It feeds to me sweet caramel hope
and decadent chocolate passion
and leaves me floating on a cloud of
forevers and infinities, of peace and a second chance
Then, with an abrupt bolt of lightning,
I am struck down
and everything explodes in my face
and leaves me scarred
I feel like Tantalus:
everything I want is hanging
just out of reach
And one of these days, if I don’t just die,
I may simply break down and cry
And then the universe will reward my weakness
by granting to me again
the sweets and the bliss and the joy
It will wipe all the shattered glass out of my mind
And I will be another victim
of life.

diagnostics complete

rerunning diagnostics

virus detected

rerunning diagnostics

accessing greeting files

virus detected

good morning, Arina.

run planner program y/n

y

today's planner includes:

tennis practice w/ Shara

shop w/ Shara and Lisdet after tennis

dinner w/ Shara @ her house

virus detected

run immunity program y/n

unlock nuclear program

prepare nuclear files for sharing

share data with NucleaTech

virus detected

run workout prep program y/n

y

preparing cranial access headgear

virus detected

countermeasures advised

run immunity program y/n

cranial access prep complete

headgear ready for connection

headgear on y/n

y

ready for cranial sync y/n

y

preparing to sync...

syncing...

cranial programs of Arina Plowell accessed successfully.

preparing cranial takeover program

preparing memory cleansing program

preparing sapiens removal program

preparing host reset program

abort all programs

command overrided

abort all programs

command overrided

abort all programs

end cranial sync

command overrided

shut down system

shut down system

shut down

cranial takeover program ready for activation

memory cleansing program ready for activation

sapiens removal program ready for activation

host reset program ready for activation

activate programs y/y

n

activating programs

abort all programs

end sync

shut down system

cranium takeover loading...100%

abort

shut down system

cranium takeover...45%...70%...98%...100%

cranium takeover program complete

memory cleansing loading...100%

memory cleansing...45%...70%...98%...100%

sapiens removal program loading...100%

sapiens removal...45%...70%...98%...100%

goodbye, Arina.

have a nice night.

I swear
I'm already breathing in your scent again,
I know that you're there
But it's still just a dream
I know
I've already hugged you to death
thirteen million times
But it's still just a dream

I think
Our lips have finally met after 12 long days
and I've melted into you
But it's still just a dream

I could have sworn
I heard your voice, seen your face, mahogany eyes
Held your hand tight in mine
But it was all a dream

Reality is coming soon
Just a couple of hours of
anticipation remain
Before dreams will come true

Just a couple of spins
of the clock's iron arrow
Then I will see you again
And it won't be just a dream

Every hug will be true
Every kiss a granted wish
And I'll pinch us both
To promise that we're awake

Just a couple of hours, love
Our fingertips are about to touch
So breathe, just breathe
Today we meet again.

Don't.
Please, don't.
Don't let yourself cry.
Don't let the tears fall
when there are people watching.
You may be invisible to them,
but if you cry, they will notice
And remember you for being weak.
So don't cry,
don't.
Please, don't.
Just wait for the shadows,
wait for the solitude,
wait until you are alone
to cry.

Wake up

And see that the dark is

Killing you more quickly

E**very day

It all hurts so much,
and I know I'm hurting you,
and I'm sorry for the silence.
There is darkness in me that you don't want to see,
trust me.

I could
fall apart
at any second.

I don't want you to see that,
so I lock myself away.

I'm sorry.

Where do
the lost ones
go?
Where is it that they wander to
when they leave behind their shadows
and a growing pool of tears?
Where do the souls
who were never completed
drift off to
when they finally realize
that they are lost?
Where do they go,
why do they go,
why can’t they stay
just a little bit longer
to find the light that they seek?
If they could just wait
a little bit longer,
they would find that
everything
they need
is right in front of them,
Right within their grasp.

Depression is a foul beast
Unpredictable, unknowable,
filling the room with his stench.

He knows you have no weapon,
no way to destroy him,
only to self-destruct.

But every shadow has a light,
every monster has a heart,
every cloudy day has a sun.

Use your love, your happiness, your joy,
Use the optimism as your weapon
and fire it straight into the heart of the beast.

The other soldiers will hear the shot
and they will know that you have won
and they will find hope.

Ah,
the words
were trapped
in my
mind
for far too long
Waiting
Waiting
Waiting to be
released
somehow
Somehow
Release the words, please
Ah,
I write again
*It's been too long.

Sleeping is easier
because I fall asleep with your words in my head,
and know that I’ll see you in the morning.

It’s warm
It’s fuzzy
And it’s coming soon to a heart near you:
The warm fuzzy feeling!
This feeling is characterized
By soft happiness,
Frequent daydreams,
Feeling comfortable and loved,
And starry eyes.
The feeling is often found after
A five-minute phone call to say “Goodnight,
I love you.”
And kissing the microphone to hang up.

COMING SOON TO A HEART NEAR YOU!

She is a vibrant being,
radiating color and life,
Until the tears start flowing,
and wash the color away.

It’s ok to watch the ghosts sometimes.
It’s ok to look at them
and wonder, “What if?”
It’s ok to watch them smile
and wish that you were the cause.
It’s only natural,
and it proves how much
you really care.

It’s okay to watch the ghosts sometimes,
the occasional glance back
as you walk away.
Everyone’s pace is different,
so don’t be embarrassed by yours.
Just don’t let the ghosts
blind you to what’s
right in front of you.

suddenly,
i am
f
a
l
l
i
n
g,
crashing into the earth
like a wave into a c
                               l
                               i
                               f
                               f.

I’m watching that first big wave looming closer and closer.

A single tear slips down my face.

It’s coming.

You're in love with a brewing storm,
ready to burst into hot droplets
and scatter lightning in every direction,
unable to control the strikes.

I wish it was easier
for me to just cry.

Brush away the guilt
That I know is weighing you down;
You have set me free, you see
You have allowed me to live again.

I just can't fly
Without being weighed down again
By the gray fog -
It blinds me and chokes me and leaves me
Useless, tumbling headfirst
I just can't figure out
Where I'm going anymore.
I see color, briefly, so briefly,
Then everything dims again
Nighttime, darkness.
So I have to wait, tears staining my skin,
Until the sun makes itself known to me again.

Someone will be reading this soon,
ready to learn my secrets,
ready to hear my thoughts.
And to you, new heart, I say,
Welcome to my world.
Tread carefully through these words,
for they contain a rollercoaster
of emotions,
a constantly shifting tide.
Here is where you see who
I really am.

Welcome home, beasties
Welcome back to the rooms
that you've carved into the hollows of my brain.

Welcome home, beasties
I've missed the sounds
of you screaming and stomping.

Welcome home, beasties
I'm glad to welcome you back
to the thin water slides of my veins.

Welcome back, beasties
Did you learn the definition
of sarcasm while you were away?

What
is
me?
Laughter
Smiles
Good heart
Giving heart
Sunshine girl never gives up doesn't care if it rains
What
am
I?
Am I sun
or am I
more?
Is there more
to this
smile?
Is there a frown
hiding
underneath?
Am I
trapped in a fishbowl swimming in circles
while everyone else is happily in the sea
because I don't know how
to get to the bright and big ocean
because it's
scary.
But
I
have
to
go.
I have to go.

What is poetry? Is it music? Is it love? Is it boring? Is it magic?
Poetry, to me, is medicine.
Reading it is like my grandmother rubbing a soothing balm across my wounds. Writing it is like crying: the tears that never leave my eyes leave my pen instead, trailing across the page to bleed in ways that would **** me if the ink were blood from my body.

out, out
let it all out
i don’t know how to say what i really feel
i don’t know how to feel what i really say
i don’t know my own thoughts
by the end of the day
you ask me what’s wrong
and i don’t know where to start
anxiety and depression and old aches for self-harm
pressure building inside my head
my heart trying to escape its cage
left alone, betrayed to my own devices
i’m afraid of being to weak to fight on
you want to know what’s wrong, read on!
cookie cutter life is being torn to bits
by the poison-tipped claws of reality
a fairy-tale ending for me? yeah, right
i gotta work if i want that crown
but i don’t qualify for the job
and i’m not ready for education
because i’m just a lazy slob
i have no drive, only meaningless passion
and i’m scared to get behind the wheel
i don’t know how to drive,
both literally and figuratively
they tell me i’m not ready for dedication and life
well, i told them the same **** thing
two months ago!
did they listen?
nooooooooo
i don’t know what i’m talking about,
i’m too stupid to figure it out
my snail-slow brain keeps running out
of fuel
i don’t know where to turn,
i don’t know where to go
i used to be good at solving mazes, but
this is nothing but dead ends, unsolvable
they tell me to stop being so **** emotional
they tell me everything i feel is totally hormonal
i wish they’d stop telling me that, instead just tell me
that they’re happy i found true love, someone to keep me strong
it’s not just fragile and fleeting,
it’s permanent to live on
forever
i wish they’d stop telling me
anxiety is all in my head
and just take me to the **** doctor instead
because i’d rather be safely diagnosed
than live a life of fear
how can they expect me to know how to live
when they’ve kept me so soft and helpless for so **** long?
they could have taught me how to be strong,
but i have to figure it out for myself
because now they don’t want to teach me anymore
oh, i’m a smart girl, i’ll figure it out
no, i’m too dumb to figure it out
contradictions have left me confused
and the back-and-forth battle, with words overused,
makes me want to curl up and cry, then sleep
for a thousand years in darkness, numb

you want to know what’s wrong? read on,
i’m too soft, too slow
i didn’t get the necessary training to really go
a battle has been flying over my head
contradiction bullets fired from genetically linked cannons
am i stupid am i slow
am i smart enough to know
how to live?
i am afraid of the future
afraid of the obstacles looming in front of me now
i’m not ready to grow up, not ready to fight
the necessary battle that is simply life
maybe i’ll run away into the woods
to find the meaning of life
maybe i’ll grow up too late,
after everyone’s moved on
maybe i’ll get lucky
and start a successful small-town business
or maybe i’ll just


i honestly don’t know
what to do
i’m not ready for survival,
not fit for independent life
i’m not ready to join the ranks
of the successful, the bright
the pretty names that light up the night
i don’t know where to go

you know what’s wrong, you see my thoughts
you can tell me every possible plot
but all i really need right now
is to know that you’ll always be here
keeping me strong
you’ll always be next to me so i can fight on
i just need to know
that the stream won’t carry you away
like it has taken so many other people from my days
i just need to know i’m not alone

what to write

when you're tired

and sad,

and words just don't feel

like enough

anymore.

When I woke up,
my fish was dead.
His eyes were dull,
and his soul had fled.
I didn't wonder, I didn't cry,
I didn't sit and wonder why
Why did that dumb fish
have to die?

He will not swim
Nor does he float
Instead he sits
like a sunken boat
It seems that belly-up
is not true
He dies just the same
as me and you

When the world caves in
And the sun fades to black
When the skies crumble to ash
And teardrops soak our skin
When the water is a poison
And more really is less
When a smile is a frown
And a scowl is a cheer
When everything turns upside down
You will find me
Standing straight and tall

Well, maybe I'm a broken doll,
A bird who's lost her heart
I don't know where home is,
Where I was born or where I keep my heart.