it's nice
to have a warm body
next to mine
silent company,
wordless comfort
it's nice,
knowing that
i'm not alone.

Your heartbeat
has become
my new favorite rhythm

Reverberating
through the warmth
of this perfect space

I haven't felt this
since the very first
silly little poems

As though my blood
has turned to ambrosia
and everything is sweet

Cloud 9
feels like nothing
when I think of you

We're on our own cloud,
safe and warm,
floating forever.

I'm so tired
of trying not to drown

How many times
have I said it already?

Too many.
The waves won't stop.

I get pulled further
down every time.

Are you all down there?
Sunken to a fathomless darkness,

Reaching and clawing for air
until hope finally failed you?

I wish I could pull you back,
but wishing is a waste of breath.

I'm haunted by the ocean,
and the faces I cannot see.

A weary soul, stained silver with tears,
weighs more than the body it inhabits,
for this host is too tired to eat, too tired
to sleep, unless the nap can last forever.

Where did they go?
To a place unknown
where the wind doesn't blow
and the bravest don't go.

Being away from you for so long
frightens me,
Because I have to figure out how to remind myself
that it wasn’t all a dream.

Why are you here
still stuck in my head
when I should have moved on,
and it's been over a year?
Why do I hate you,
when all you did was
leave?

STOP* STOP *STOP
Get out of me, demon
I don't want you controlling my limbs.

You're a melody in my head,
thinking of your voice,
remembering your heartbeat.

The tune will be on loop,
making this smile
a permanent fixture.

He sees too much, he feels too much
He knows too much and he grows too much
He's bleeding inside and he cannot let it out
He crying behind the grin and he cannot show the tears
That mask, it's permanent
Like the scars on my own arms
That smile, where is it
Mine comes from him
That heart, it's hurting
I hope I can save it.

So this is what finally tips
the saltwater bucket,
sends the rivers down my cheeks-
Home cannot be home without you here,
and I wish you didn’t have to go.

You make me feel
soft
and
warm,
And it’s such a nice change.

It’s ok to watch the ghosts sometimes.
It’s ok to look at them
and wonder, “What if?”
It’s ok to watch them smile
and wish that you were the cause.
It’s only natural,
and it proves how much
you really care.

It’s okay to watch the ghosts sometimes,
the occasional glance back
as you walk away.
Everyone’s pace is different,
so don’t be embarrassed by yours.
Just don’t let the ghosts
blind you to what’s
right in front of you.

I've got scratches on my shoulder,
and cuts on my thigh;
One came from love,
the other from self-hate.

Even as I’m moving
forward,
I still feel
stuck
In the same thoughts,
the same mistakes,
the same
inevitable
pit.

It's so frustrating
how all it takes
is three words
to make me want to cry
and pull a gray sheet over my blue sky;
"She killed herself."

I thought
that maybe
I could find
myself
again,
but I'm still so aimless.

When did the storm hit again?

My head got pushed under,
and suddenly I'm caught
in the relentless current
of swirling thoughts.

Drowning,
that's starting to sound nice,
but I remember the sun above,
gleaming warm beams
to remind me of love

It's so hard to reach
for the sun's warmth
When I can't even breathe,
so the cold fills my lungs
as I sink too deep.

Why am I always
bleeding
from
these cracks in my soul

I have to cover them up
Wipe away the tears and bloodstains
and
hide.

I'm being dragged down again,
buried again,
smothered again

I need you to save me again

My thoughts are killing me again.

I’m sorry that I’m so melancholy,
but life just makes me want to cry sometimes.
Surely,
you can relate??

Write again
(Right again)
He wants me to write again
(He wants me to be right again)
My soul is in my words, my blood is the flowing ink,
And I must write again
(I must be right again)
If I wish to be me
(If I wish to be free)

The nice thing about being free
is that I can give other hearts
a chance.
Maybe this one will stay.

I can't stop remembering
the night
my innocence was devoured
by pressure -
I wasn't ready,
but I let him in anyway.

The infection is returning,
seeping into my blood—
soon I will be a creature
of shadows and tears.

Someone will be reading this soon,
ready to learn my secrets,
ready to hear my thoughts.
And to you, new heart, I say,
Welcome to my world.
Tread carefully through these words,
for they contain a rollercoaster
of emotions,
a constantly shifting tide.
Here is where you see who
I really am.

It's a gentle death, a slow dissolving of energy, dissipating in a dramatic burst of color.
   The leaves flutter their tips in the chilly wind, and the fire creeps throught their veins.
   The flames devour healthy chlorophyll, changing healthy green to vibrant orange and crimson.
   As the wind drops in temperature and rises in cruelty, the leaves shudder and tremble, feeling the looming grasp of death, fearing the desecration.
   They crumble, leaving nothing but brown ashes scattered carelessly along the grass and pavement.
   The tree shivers in the cold, turning its face to the sun to wait for fresh, newly green leaves to bud; it waits for the warm rebirth of spring.

A diner full of love and life,
food served with heart and soul;

Hundreds of lives touched,
some big and some small;

A laugh that filled the room,
and a smile to welcome you home;

Iris, dancing in the violets
and peering from the lilies;

Her life bloomed in shades
of brilliant purple and blue

She had endless optimism,
and wisdom kept sharp;

A heart that never stopped growing,
and a hug to make things right.

The garden grows still, but
a little less vibrant

without its great and wonderful Iris.

With you in my heart,
I can do everything
I used to fear.

I’ve been caught
in a bubble of my own creation,
cold and suffocating.

Feeling your heart
beat against my hand
is a soothing reassurance;
You’re alive, you’re real,
and you’re here with me,
not just a silver-cloud dream.

You keep cutting deeper and deeper -
but don't you remember what you told me?
"Every time you hurt
yourself,
it hurts me, too."
Your cuts leave scars on your skin
and my heart.
I wish we could both learn
how to stop.

I wish it was easier
for me to just cry.

The night drags itself across the sky,
weary and slow;
Below, I lie awake, cursed with starlight.

Last night
I dreamed I was high,
Once again able to touch the sky.
I woke up
with my body aching
and my mind spinning,
and reality was all too real.

watching
  the
minutes
  until
I
  lose
them
  in
the
  tide
and
  they
re-emerge
  as
hours

You force us to step backwards,
degrading who we are meant to be as
humans.

We should be charging forward,
learning,
growing,
and changing
for the better.

Instead,
you seem to wish us to be
nothing more than simple
monkeys,
gobbling the foul feces
that is flung our way.

Oh, yes,
I'm fine,
just a little lonely
with a side of mildly suicidal.

But don't worry,
I'll still be breathing
in the morning.

You see beauty in me,
a torn flower?
One of us is surely blind.

There is a sudden peace.

I stared the dark fog of death
in the eyes
and I never blinked.

I feel strong. I feel like
I understand.
I may not know yet
where I will go,
but I know now
how I will live.
My heart will lead the way,
for I know that it won’t lead me
astray.
The pain that I’ve felt
has only made me stronger,
so that I can survive the future.
I will not die,
for I have too much life to share.

I can feel the sadness sitting in my chest, lapping against my ribcage like an agitated ocean. The tide is rising. I’ll have to fight to survive today. I wish the ocean would just stay calm, that warm waters could be all that flow through my veins. Instead, I feel like a broken faucet - spouting hot water one moment and cold water the next.

Oh, my God,
I think I'm actually going to
cry.

I should delete the poems
I wrote for you -
But they’re too beautiful,
too painfully true.

I've been sitting in darkness for a while,
but you've brought me back to light -
I feel like I'm floating free,
and it is such a relief.

This isn’t where I wanted to be,
hiding in the other room
on New Year’s.

Hunger and exhaustion
struck war with
defeat and depression
over a bowl of noodles.

And suddenly
it’s the
dragon in the room,
breathing down our backs
and burning us deep.

I wanted to be sinking into
warmth and love,
feeling hope and joy.


Here I sit in cold white light
hearing his voice

how sad it is


I hate that sadness.
I hate when he sounds like
the whole universe is crushing him
in an Iron Maiden of molten metal.

I wish
he would just
take the time
to listen.

New year.

We're
mirror-minds,
you and I.

I am ghost.

I am faded,
not really here.

I sit,
I speak,
I play along.

I am faded paint
on a broken doll
with glazed eyes.

I am the raindrops
that throw themselves to the ground
and explode.

I am the spirit
that hovers in the corner
and watches
every
little
thing.

silence.

I am
the dust that
settles
in the corners
you can't see.
I float in the light
and savor my freedom
until the dark
forces me down
again.

I am ghost.

You put the static back into my body -
the kind that gives me life.
Holding your hand
was such a comfort,
and I didn't want it to end.

“If I told you I was going to die tomorrow,” she asked, “What would you say to me today?”
“Why? Are you going to die tomorrow?” he replied.
“No!” she answered, voice swollen with certainty. “I’m just curious.”
He gazed at her for a long time, then answered her question. Love softened her eyes, and she smiled at his answer, showing her approval with a kiss.

The next morning, glass shattered and tires screamed, and no one saw it coming.
She didn’t even feel the impact.

He found out through a crackly announcement, stained with shallow losses.

He spoke his answer twice, and the second time was over her coffin, pale wood painted midnight. His words fell with his  tears, staining the blue with white sorrow.

“I will never forget you, never take you out of my heart. Even though you’re not here, our souls are still bound for all eternity. I swear that I will find you again someday.”

It all hurts so much,
and I know I'm hurting you,
and I'm sorry for the silence.
There is darkness in me that you don't want to see,
trust me.

I could
fall apart
at any second.

I don't want you to see that,
so I lock myself away.

I'm sorry.