There was so much pain buried
inside my chest, cracked veins
burning without caution, black
screaming skies beaten and choking
in the shadows, a harsh stash of
blazing depths smothering my existence,
as I stood inside my living room
staring at the scattered clothes
covering the red rusted floor.  
The broken picture frames
bleeding in cold splitting verbs.
The damaged dressers beneath
splintered wood.  The offbeat
clock spinning with meaningless
direction.  The hanging ceiling fan
whirling in thundering sounds,
atomic blazed bombs banging
endlessly, swayed salvage rhythms
hardened in harboring oceans.  
across from my drunken soul,
there were the raged alcohol bottles
surrounding the walls of a shattered
love stinging my tongue in sunken
millenniums, constant tears tormenting
my heart into hopeless existences.
And as I stared at the mirror facing
my steel burnt eyes, shadowed
memories of a darkened love
blinding my light, blackened drums
rumbling in clouded disguises,
every part of me was conflicted
and stabbed.  And as the anger
and pain amplified inside my brain,
closed curtains fading in white stains,
unbearable despairs and dangerous
turns, I smashed the mirror with
bruised bladed hands.  And I could
see the blurred images of your
wash away world in each broken
glass, no meaning, useless,
a dead beat stuck in silence.

I've spent the last ten years on repetitive tasks
ten years you've ****** my uncredited ***
just let me know how long the sedatives last
until your ridiculous reign is embedded in past
once I'm no longer called an iconoclast
just for avoiding your rhino blast.

Don't lecture me on my attitude
with your ******* platitudes
saying I should show gratitude
like I should be a happy dude
while you slap me blue
then call me rude.

Because I'm not trusted I'm paid by the hour
don't hand me a **** and call it a flower
don't praise my trailer from inside your tower
or scowl at my failure like Bill Cowher
let's just call all the resources ours
and watch you get devoured
by workers who've been soured
by deeds of the dour.

I don't know anyone with a nine-to-five
that doesn't cut them down to size
just don't present that as a prize
to fill the bags below my eyes
you're the lord of flies
tortuous guy
to which I applied
and you accepted
because numbers projected
I'd need to be there
in your carnivorous care.

Until the death of my soul do we depart
trying to maintain the hole in my heart
was your malevolent goal from the start
so I could be a robot part
for a machine
printing green
reasons to bleed
to get what I need.

You say you have a coalition of the willing
being obtuse about their need for shillings
and then close down their building
while your pockets are spilling
into the ocean of an offshore bank
expecting me to say "gee thanks"
while your greed breaks
the ends I make.

So even though I accepted your invitation
I'm having a tough time with assimilation
like your wages falling behind inflation
so please accept my insubordination.

Tormented by the abundance of undesired despair and absence of enchantment
Causing me to rummage for costly vices
As I step into a steaming hot bath I light a cigarette and stare at the clock

It only ticks one way

And as my lung turns black and my bath runs red
I realize I'm accelerating the rate at which the is ticking
Accelerating at such a rate that the clock will breach
Allowing me to join the ghosts in the walls and free myself from the shackles of time

I smoke and I think. I lament and I drink.

I tell myself in a few months it'll be someone else's name; and I tell myself that name will bring about a contrasting feeling to what yours brings me now

I lie to myself

But still I act surprised when your name stumbles through every corridor of my mind, opening every door and sabotaging every room - yet still finding nothing   inside my intellect appealing to renovate into something beautiful.

I clean up the rooms, I tighten lock the doors, I set alarms but none of it stops you from breaking in and destroying everything again.

I rebuild stronger each time and when I think I've finally locked you out and I think you've given up, you carefully pick each lock and you decimate everything again, leaving nothing beautiful for anyone else that passes by to relish, forcing them to leave without any interest of coming back.

Why the **** are you doing this to me?

You've been incarcerated in my subconscious and you long to escape.
And I won't let you.

So you destroy everything in your sight hoping the destruction will force me to set you free. But darling, I've lost the key to the only entrance of my mind and I don't have the strength to break open the gates myself until I've rebuilt everything I've allowed you to destroy.

I continue to lie to myself

once all my hope was lost
I realized it was never even there
just an intangible creation of my psyche
formed to stabilize my sanity
preventing me to break down over not having what the hope is there for

it filled me up deeply and widely
dissolving everything that used to be there and defecting a massive hole with it's departure
burning away at the rest of my insides
as if I'd downed a liter of hydrochloride acid

I try to fill up the gap
But everyone that I try to let in unintentionally corrodes in the acid
I look up to the man that instilled hope on this world
I beg him to take away the emptiness
But how can someone that doesn't exist take away something that isn't there?

CONFIDENCE
Most everything begins with it. Most everything ends with it.

Most everything is based on it. Where you go depends on it.

How well you stand is grounded on it. Your move forward is guided by it.

Fun in your life is not without it. Courage is you living daringly with it.

Saying no to harm is embracing it. Liking yourself is contingent on it.

CONFIDENCE

Loving fully is marked by it. Walking unknown paths accompanies it.

Living morally is founded on it. Evil abandoning you is because of it.

Knowing who you are comes from it. An accommodating way projects it.

Speaking truth is based upon it. Behaving justly distinguishes it.

Risking being rejected proclaims it. Learning from mistakes adds to it.

CONFIDENCE

An obedient worshipper demands it. A skilled worker fosters it.

Embracing differences boast it. Weathering hardships manifest it.

A variety of experiences build it. Trusting in predestination solidifies it.

Taking care of oneself conveys it. Cherishing one's power honors it.

Befriending a new person necessitates it. Intolerance for disregard embodies it.  

CONFIDENCE

Pursuing the best demonstrates it. Using your talents communicates it.

Respecting those in your life exhibits it. Showing gratitude is an example of it.

Accepting acts of love displays it. Valuing others requires it.

Admitting one's faults obliges it. Asking pertinent questions confirms it.

Embracing criticism reveals it. Humbleness and kindness illustrate it.

CONFIDENCE

Dressing uniquely unveils it. A parent's expression of approval shapes it.

Viewing it in another encourages it. Communion with a Higher Power gives one it.

Spending time in God's embrace and honoring Him shines it. Standing up against injustice and being a voice for the oppressed exudes it.
CONFIDENCE  

by Najwa Kareem