I will stumble bravely through this pain
embrace its hand firmly and delve into my shame
I am the keeper of every single guilty thought
that taunts my identity and keeps me stuck
I am tormented by memories that consume my mind
This soul has begun purging, I will no longer be blind
My eyes have witnessed many hateful glares
I’ve held back tears of sadness because those closest did not care
They minimized the trauma I had to endure
but this child inside of me has become the cure
Through courage and wisdom my story will be told
And the life I was meant to lead will begin to unfold

There are demons in your closet
It is obvious to me
You left the door wide open
Setting those ******* free

Anger lashed out first
With razor sharp claws
Shredding the unsuspecting
Without hesitation or pause

Beneath him is resentment
Forever locked up tight
Hidden within for years
Now more than ever, ready to fight

Betrayal weighs heavy
Taking up the most room
Can’t sweep it under the rug
There isn’t a big enough broom

Don’t disregard the guilt
Or forget about shame
These two big players
Are leaders of the game

Amidst the whirl wind of chaos
And the fury of rage
A broken heart exposed through fear
Makes its way to center stage

Vulnerability is waiting
She can keep your closet clean
Nourish you with love
Making those demons less mean

As the spotlight shifts its focus
There seems nowhere to hide
Will you crawl back into darkness?
Or simply swallow your pride?

When it comes to you
I am at a loss for words
so my heart beats in symphonies
my mind will never compose

I have something to say
but my thoughts scatter
like crisp dead leaves
abandoned by their trees
obscure as ominous clouds
concealing the sun
my wounds bleeding all over time
but these pages remain starkly White
as I’m choking on a mouthful
my mind ruminates
on every last tormenting word
that continues to remain
Unexpressed

I belong to the wilderness
and the highest peaks
to the depths of the ocean
the same language we speak

To the blossoms of spring
and the summers’ breeze
I belong to a single blade of grass
and every rustling of leaves

To endless starlit nights
and the hope rising with dawn
With every bird taking flight
I belong to their song

I belong to the love
of a soulmates heart
and to the bitter anguish
that tore us apart

To the carefree laughter
of children at play
I belong to the fear they conceal
and their hope for a better day

I belong to the infinite yearning
of my place on this Earth
and to the unknowingness
and complexity of my timely birth

To my physical features
and the boldness of my eyes
I belong to this body
and why it keeps me alive

I belong not to my emotions
nor heartache or bliss
I belong to the intricacies of wisdom
and forever trust in its abyss

Lying on the edge of truth
outside the borders of belonging
I suffocate inside the façade
beholden to a wilderness of pain

I watch in awe
those emerging from the chrysalis
discovering their wings
and soaring effortlessly into belonging

They are the sun radiating on a new dawn
a fuel of inspiration
lighting the way
back home

But I am a caged butterfly
burdened by clipped wings
destined to be alone
within this wilderness of pain

Twisted up inside my head
Your words they take control
You profess to love unconditionally
Yet judgement fills your soul

I try to keep it real
But you just can't seem to hear
Deflecting truthful imperfections
Like a Master Puppeteer

You came to me a teacher
So much wisdom I did gain
About Being and of gratitude
And a touch that caused me pain

You project that of a free spirit
Yet control's within your grip
Manipulation your choice of mind-****
Something YOU would never admit

The darkness lives within you
So much deeper than most can see
Blinded by the gifts you bear
They sell their souls for free

I'll admit it took some time
To let go and set me free
The wolf that lives inside of you
Won't devour what's left of me

You lie beside me
with romantic feelings inside
But they no longer exist for me
and I know every reason why

I do not feel guilty
for not giving you what you desire
I’ve spent years pretending
there were flames feeding my fire

Early on fear took control
and you began to sculpt me
crafting and moulding
until I became acceptable

I wanted to please you
and went along with your ploy
But I was blind to your agenda
and what you were going to destroy

Weeks turned into months
months into years
Decades have now passed
and you finally admit to your fears

Confessions cannot mend
what never was whole
You stripped my identity
and it’s taken its toll

The truth is my love
has diminished and faded
Your obsession with oppression
has left me apathetic and jaded

Today I am bound and determined
to shed your sallowed skin
and reclaim the original beauty
that has always existed within

Don’t just observe me
wander deep into my eyes
Fix your gaze upon my soul
unspoken words implied

Embrace me
captivate my body like you consume my mind
Nurture and be nurtured
let’s enfold in time

Kiss me
throw caution to the wind
Let your lips linger
then please kiss me again

Whisper to me
leave nothing unsaid
Feel the pulsing of desire
as it quickens our breath

Touch me
leave me breathless and weak
Weave me into bliss
until I can no longer speak

Release me into the bluest of skies
and rejoice as my soul takes flight
Do not grieve our separation
We are all merely a dusting of creation

When lost in thought’s deception we sever the heart’s connection

Those eyes
a window to the soul, to it all
I am fixated
with just one glance

               Such a blissful place.

Unconditional belonging
with creation expressed
from the face of innocence
Love is flourishing
                
               I long to flourish.

A heart wide open sings
the composition a perfect symphony
Whimsical
Feeding the soul with pure delight

               Feed me.

These eyes
remember it well
and when I surrender to
the face of innocence

                 I will be whole.

You will never see your reflection in a muddy puddle

Salt rocks and lollipops
Gemstones and Zen
Spellbinding wizards
and dragons that eat men

Lightworkers and Indigos
Heart chakra crown
Don’t block kundalini
you’ll surely break down

With Ohm in the house
like it or not
Theta beats Beta
No judgement or thought

Malas and Mantras
to the Seat of the Soul
dissecting wavelengths
to uncover the whole

Ankhs and crosses
With fire and white light
Circle of crystals
bring spirit into sight

Mystics & healers
heed the cosmic call
extend love to our planet
to save us all

Within this thoughtless moment
and this wordless breath
I am

I want to be amongst
The heather on the hillside
Soaking up the silence
And slow dancing in warm
waves of playful winds
I will feed the bees
And giggle as they tickle
my carmine petals
I will know the sun
In intimate ways
As she seduces me
with her golden rays
I will be satiated
By the heavens above
As every single drop of rain
showers me with love
I will be consumed
by the richness of the soil
As it nourishes my delicate roots
I will be an extra
In the acts of twilight
While radiant moon beams
steal the night
But I need not contemplate
Whether the time is right
To wither and fade away

I begged you
to unweave me from the confines
of this limited plane
and restitch me into
the richness of your tapestry

Instead you unearth my twisted roots
from the sanctuary of your soil
drain my crimson petals
unmoved as I whither away

I scatter desolation
a marred and stagnant bloom
Your unrequited love is conveyed
through the bitter winds of desertion

I have felt the ripples
of predestined change
Some crashing like tidal waves
upon my desolate plane

Others a delicate trickle
through this narrowing gorge;
complex and understated
in its methodical purge

Both deliberate in the upheaval
and churning of the soil
change that brings inner balance
to mind, body and soul

I’ve swum against their current
dragged to murky waters below
tumbling in the turmoil
of my urgent need for control

Now cast upon this rocky shore
panicked and alone
I must surrender to the journey
to find my way back home

I welcome the soaking of soles
as I intend to surf each wave
Immersing myself into its flow
I become the ripples of change

Lately I imagine
I am a tree
Perfect
in my imperfections
Mother Earth
cradle my roots
as I bask in the glory
of the faithful sun
Her rays satiate my leaves
permeating my being
with resounding hopefulness
I surrender.
nurtured
Utterly Loved
as and by nature’s nourishments
I am.

It pours relentlessly
I am drowning in a sea
of my own insufficiency
suffering in silence
alone

I lack courage
to compete with my denial
and sink into the depths
of sorrow
letting it swallow me whole

The path of the egoic mind will never bring happiness

Trauma triggers you
to be highly alert
to look for danger
at every turn

Oppression is cruel
and wounds the spirit
The truth about trauma
it has no limits

You may get labeled
Anxious or depressed
The truth about trauma
it never rests

It doesn’t have to be
through an accident, war or abuse
The truth about trauma
can be what didn’t happen for you

Neglect and rejection
cause tremendous pain
The truth about trauma
it leaves an invisible stain

Labels like low self concept
or insecure
Discount the truth about trauma
and the pain we endured

If you weren’t nurtured
and basic needs weren’t met
The truth about trauma
it changes our mindset

We believe we aren’t good enough
or permanently scarred
The truth about trauma
perception’s impaired

We are not damaged goods
no flawed character traits
The truth about trauma
doesn’t have to seal our fate

By reconnecting the mind, body
and soul
we uncover the truth about trauma
and reclaim the life that it stole

Speak from love and you will be heard with love

A mountain falls effortlessly into the placid waters
and sees itself clearly
The water accepts the mountain as itself
while maintaining its body

I wish to be a butterfly
spread my wings
and soar the skies

Ignited by the summer’s light
I will have hues of the rainbow
and shine so bright

I wish to flutter through maple trees
dancing gracefully
with the morning’s breeze

Excited by the flowers in bloom
I will be drawn to the nectar
by their sweet perfume

Hollyhock and sage wait for my arrival
while marigold and lavender
ensure my survival

I will bask in the glory of the morning’s sun
play games with the bees
chase humans for fun

Oh I wish to be this grace and beauty
shed the chrysalis and emerge
so you can truly see me

We devour time
like it’s our last meal
gorging on the future’s ideals
as we forgo the delectable
dessert of Now
we savour dried crumbs of the past
long after the expiry date
unaware they are mouldy and stale
repeatedly consuming it’s poison
all the while wondering
why we feel so sick
inside

Governed by laws
controlling the mind
we believe in our story
not seeing
The lies

The seers wait with loving regard
for awareness to awaken
the spirit of our hearts
for our souls to fly free
as Knowledge
departs

Our windows open
with a cautious approach
and we gaze in awe
as reflections of light
expose the brilliance of  
Truth;

We.
are.
Life.

From this moment on
we feel
consciousness take form
and we create in our authenticity
of Joy
Peace and
Love

Welcome home.

Echoes of rejection skip the beats of my heart
Negative thoughts attach to my reasoning
like swarms of unrelenting gnats
as I drown in the swell of unworthiness

I am blinded by severe self judgement
Covered in the monotony of shame
I cower on feeble hands and skinned knees
trapped in my own prison of nauseating filth

I succumb to the assumptions of your silence
weighed down by bricks of uncertainty
My breathing ever so shallow
as I choke on the asphyxiation of despair

Longing for the communion of acceptance
but unwilling to beg for your approval
I suffer in the abyss of formless chaos
Projecting desperation onto a mirror with no reflection

I pretend to feel skinny and pretty
but I know I’m not beautiful or thin
I bleach my hair to cover up the grey
most days I feel fake in all ways

I wear clothes that hide my appeal
want I really want is to be real
I pretend to be an artist and a poet
but my work speaks for itself I know it

I struggle to speak my truth
stolen from me in my youth
Given up my right for basic needs
deeply rooted are her toxic seeds

This facade she created
is someone I have always hated
I’ve spent years peeling back layers
desperate to reveal my true nature

I lost decades cutting her away
razors turned dull the pain didn’t fade
Punishing myself needed to end
in order to survive I cannot pretend

I’m on a journey to uncover
the girl I protected from my mother
Despite her powerful instincts to hide
the woman inside is dying to be alive

We are as unconditionally loved as much as the one loving us has the capacity to unconditionally love themselves

We suffer at the hands of the illogical mind
as intrusive thoughts steal time
creating the illusion that we are not
when what we are is the perfection
of everything we so desperately sought

The vanity of human desire runs deep
the price of greed and envy are steep
bliss, love and joy are unattainable
unless we trust in our hearts’ wisdom
this human condition is inescapable

They painted her a portrait
that reminded them of her
Told her she was an outcast
She believed their every word

There are no explanations
for their blatant cruelty
The portrait of the black sheep
wasn’t a spitting image of me

I spent years trying to convince them
In every perfectionistic way
Always striving for greatness
but there never came a day

I took to beating myself up
Because I couldn’t get it right
The scars left on this body
Reflect a deep internal fight

Anxious and exhausted
I stepped out of the ring
broken and defeated
by the demons I was battling

I lived my life on false hope
believing the day would finally come
When they would love and accept me
for who I had become

Today that day does not exist
their portrait still taints the wall
but I realize I can’t win this battle
by keeping myself small

So I painted a self portrait
Of much more than what they see
Forever on my wall it speaks
“You are good enough for me”

You many not like
A word I write
So let me make it
clear

I write to absolve
My torment of
The darkness
That ensues

To free this love
Satiate the mind
From which I can
Express

Not to see
How many hearts
I get
Or build my self esteem

Its not about my ego
Or the intellect I bring
Its passion, pain and prescription
That dance the tune I sing

Fair weathered friends
Passé at best
I seek to just be
Free

Will I remain composed?
As my passion is exposed
Powerless to temptation
I bequeath my sad confession…

I want to steep in your essence
submerge into your scent
indulge in your sweetness
cherish every moment spent

I will let your richness linger
maintaining self control
For shall I delight in your affections
you will surely consume my poetic soul

Unraveling and rewinding, trickles of time
unrequited longing
For redemption, resurrection, inspiration
twisting in the winds of regret

Doubtful and unsteady, whispers of purpose
A victim’s story
Of unachievable perfection
dying in the arms of this fool

Weakened and damaged, waves of anguish
Crush the hopeful heart
A destitute pauper
Blind to the riches within

Lies and deception, distortion of truth
Crippling perception
and saturating the feeble remains
with unrelenting force

Wounded and berated, rivers of light
Swallow whole the ragged soul
Back in time to reverse his crimes
granting the blind man sight

I captured the moonlight
in tiny incandescent jars
and watched it reflect for hours
glaring fiercely to reach the stars

I plucked The Hunter
straight out of the night sky
and watched his belt dimming
unfit to pursue Pleiades, he cried

I charmed the love out of Venus
desperate to call it my own
and witnessed her beauty diminish
while my vanity cast its stones

I harnessed the light of the Sun
selfishly hoarding the ultimate power
and witnessed my own life force
become increasingly dimmer

It is causeless to ransack
or squander gifts of wholeness
allowing our fear of insufficiency
to steal what we already possess

So bask with stars in moonlights’ glitter
Honour Orion’s strength as your own
Unbind the sun’s rays to kindle your spirit
Return Venus’ love and never feel alone

I want to be uplifted
by the rays of the rising sun
but I am sinking
mangled
in twisted debris
drowning at the bottom
of this raging river

Uplift me

I want to be encapsulated
By endless skies
Free to dream
But I hide
From the light
Self-imprisoned
in this nightmare
On the dark side of the moon

Come find me

I want to walk with the courage of a lion
Resilient and brave
Instead I am crippled
weakened by memories
of a wounded child
The past my story
This victim my crutch

Walk with me

I want to drift peacefully
into sweet slumber
As the soft melody of the lone lark
tweets outside my window
Instead I lay wide-eyed
and bewildered
attacked by vultures
inside my head

*Guide me

I see you and your desire for belonging
The failed attempts to fit in to ease the longing
Draining your energy in tribe after superficial tribe
knowing the beating of your heart has no rhythm with their vibe

Expressing your sorrow through written words
Never quite easing your pain, to think so was absurd
Crying into your pillow until the wee hours of the morn
Wondering to God why the hell you were born!

Need for acceptance the pain of rejection consuming your days
Lowering your standards in so many ways
Reaching outward in desperation to feed your soul
Blind to the notion of what it means to be whole

You were raised with the needs of others first
Not knowing the impact to you would be the worst
You have a voice and tremendous wisdom within
Because you were oppressed, to speak is a sin

The internal struggle to belong is real
Believe me, I know exactly how you feel
Don’t ever give up or let your dreams shatter
Please know from my heart, I see you, you matter

I am that ripple within the wave
That soothes a grainy shore
I ignite curiosity in the minds
Of those who are wanting more

I seek solace in the brilliance
Of each dawns’ rising sun
Who inhales the bitter darkness
Raising hope amongst the ruin

I am that current within the wind
That tickles every leaf
And your witness to that miracle
So you question your beliefs

I am the familiar within the greeting
Of a stranger on the street
To break down the walls of separation
The result of ego’s deceit

I am that sorrow within a memory
The ache befriending loss
Whispering “keep your heart wide open”
Despite the pain and emotional chaos

I am a powerhouse in nature
That can shift all reality
If the mind is willing to surrender
I will surely set you free

Energetically I know how you feel
My gift is not confined by space and time
Psychic abilities come with the territory
Always put needs of others ahead of my own
Time with nature is time at home
Highly sensitive is an asset not a weakness
Sense the world deeply suffer immensely

She reflects radiance
When her heart bled sorrow
She is the epitome of brilliance
Though her insides felt hollow

She appears to be calm
In the midst of all storms
Though her mind rapidly races
And anxiety swarms

She knows the solutions
To the problems I share
Though her own life in pieces
Was more than she could bear

She extends a loving smile
To everyone she greets
Though love once rejected her
And she lived with defeat

She holds on to hope
In times of despair
Though struggle was endless
And no one seemed to care

She weaves her story
Through intricate lace
And embraces each moment
With beauty and grace

Roots of a deeper life
intertwined within this heart of mine
and so the tree grows
watered with wisdom
nourished through love
veins pulsing with the richness
of the vibrancy of life
and together the leaves become
collected in the waves of stillness
as branches untangle and extend
to reach the light of heaven
where the flowers will bloom