I hope you think of me like a 5000 piece puzzle,
Hope you feel like a detective when you talk to me,
Or when you hear about me,
Or when you think about me,
I hope you romanticize me into something more than just a human body,

I hope when we kiss your lungs expand,
Hope you think more than just lungs,
Hope when every inch of your body fills with energy
you think the chemical reaction,
I hope you think of me more than just a chemical reaction,
I hope i can fool you into believeing that
I am way more than what i say,

I hope you write about me,
Hope you can't get your mind off it because
you just need an answer,
i hope you find your answer,

I hope you figure out things about me
in the way i do my makeup,
Hope you try and find symbolism in it,
I hope you think me into a work of art,
Hope you finish with a blank canvas
because there is so much beauty in the unknown.

I hope you dream of dissecting me,
Hope you wake up with scars on your finger tips,
I hope i make you nervous,
Hope you think precisely of what to say when you're around me,
Hope you ask every question critically,
I hope you think i know exactly what you're up to,
Hope you hide nothing,

I hope you play word games with me
to try and piece together how my mind works,
I hope after all that time
you still cant grasp it,
Hope im always close enough to touch
but not close enough to get a firm grip on,
I hope you dig yourself a whole from walking in circles,
Hope you never say my name in fear of the tone being incorrect,
Hope you know ill always be here if you need me,

I hope you have no idea what any of this means,
I hope this has given your mind 3 different mining routes,
I hope you know i am buried treasure,
I hope you never hit gold,
I hope you never understand me.

today's my birthday,
but i don't want presents
today's my birthday,
but i don't want wishes
today's my birthday,
but i don't want to be older
today's my birthday,
but i don't want a party
today's my birthday,
but i already have everything i want

they told me that my mom loved birthdays
they told me she'd stay up all night
baking cakes and cookies and pies
they told me she planned parties months in advance
they told me she loved to sing happy birthday
and that she had perfect pitch too

they told me she made me her
famous almond dream cake
for my first birthday
smothered in coconut frosting
with one little palm tree
precariously placed on top

they told me that she
learned to knit
just for me
to make me a soft blanket
adorned with the words,
my little angel, cara

today's my birthday,
but i don't want it to be

today's my birthday,
but i don't want to remember my mother

What's your favorite emotion, he asks me
Because he likes to ask silly questions like that
Ones that always catch me by surprise
Ones I'm still learning how to answer.

Fear I said
My favorite is fear
Why would you want to be scared?
Everyone wants to be brave

But fear is the most beautiful feeling I know
It is delicate and loud
It fills you up to your ears

If I love you I want you to scare me
I want to shake in your arms
I want to be filled with fear
Because fear is beautiful

Fear shows weakness
Weakness breeds strength
Fear means you are doing difficult things, new things
Something most people would not
Because they fear like you
But unlike you they let it scare them
You let fear fill you up with love
Because you think fear is beautiful.

Looking back at photos of me looking happy
A nice slim figure
No extra weight to carry
No face to be ashamed of

I have a house with no mirrors
Because I get disgusted by myself
When I happen to see a glare in a window
I only feel tears

"I'll call you sometime," he says as leaves.
That will never happen, ive so many times learned
He looked repulsed when he saw me
And my stomach just turned

Even my family feels hopeless
That one day I'll look lean
Around the table aouside we relaxed.
Later They hint I'm too fat
On my fat giant ***, the chair too small where I sat

Diets and cleanses
Jogging and biking is pointless
As fat just seems to add
I just get more sad


Nobody knows in the dressing room I cry
After rejection I sob
After a meal I feel guilty
When I breathe and I live
It seems so silly

But maybe one day I'll be happy and skinny
I won't be alone, eating won't feel like I'm sinning
So the mirrors that I threw out
The pants that are huge
The face disgustingly ugly
The way I look, I have no excuse.

I can’t listen.
My mind is a prison.
Tears fall down my cheek.

My confidence weak.
No appetite to eat.
Thoughts race and prevent me from sleep.

Bags under my eyes.
Whats that in the sky?
They tell me its just a phase.

ADD isn’t real.
Why is this such a big deal?
Little do they know it ruins my days.

Can’t focus in class.
Teachers think its a load of crap.
No one understands that this isn’t okay.

I try so hard.
I studied all night!
But I always seem to fail.

Look at my medication.
Look up the facts.
When will they realize ADHD is real.

Reality and daydreams.
Which one is real?
Which is more important;
The lesson in class, or the color of my nails?

My confidence; frail
My complexion; pale
My mind?
A jail.

But I put on a smile.
Make life seem worthwhile.
Because once in a while I can finish a task.

But pretending i’m fine.
Missing homework deadlines.
It’s like i’m hiding myself with a mask.

Don’t get me wrong.
Some people have it worse.
At least I have a roof over my head.

Although i’ve cried.
I’ve never considered suicide.
But others wish to be dead.

So treat me with respect.
Break the stigma.
And educate yourself.

ADHD is real.
It’s an unfair deal.
So you can choose to understand mental health.

I don’t have enough focus to listen.
And thats what your missing.
This is not a choice, this is something I dread.

So next time you judge me.
Next time you label me.
Remember, some with ADHD wish to be dead.