the art of self love
starting to see me
in my power
in my truth
feels hard
working on letting go of
codependent truths
and sharing my truths
from my place of power
and self worth
remembering where I came from
and who I am becoming
and I am really starting to love it
and see the prayers
reveal itself

I sometimes wish
I didn't feel
the way that I do
but we met
the other night
for the first time
we met because
we are both lonely
in a new town
and we both wanted more friends
from the moment we talked
I felt my body pulse
for you
which for me
that is quite a rare occasion
especially for a man
I walked to the coffee shop on friday night
and I see you with your dark curls
jeans
and as I got closer
I thought wow he is so so handsome
how can he just be my friend??
As we spoke more and more
throughout the night
I felt more and more pulled towards you
as you cared more and more about me
as we saw that we view the world in such a similar way
your a man
who feels his feelings
we spoke about crying to music
about feelings mental health and heartbreak
and now I am unsure of what to do
or how you feel
I know I am not at all ready for a relationship
or anything else
but all I know is
that I want you
and from what I can see
your insides are just as beautiful
as your outsides.

I remember you
your beautiful hair
how I met you at the bar
how you were kind to me
how we sat in the feilds
and how you played with my hair
you gentle soul
you beautiful man
I've always loved the softness in people
the way their eyes light up
when they find something funny
and the way they find the world light up
when they love something or someone
I love the people
the unique men and women
who don't fit in
who are unique and witchy
I love souls
and I like people

since I was a child
I carried the shame
of feeling wrong
of feeling that I shouldn't be the way that I am
that I shouldn't view women in that way
that I shouldn't feel so much desire for them
that I shouldn't love them the way that I do
that I don't want this burden in my life
I feel like so many straight people
don't understand their privelage
especially the religious ones
I often wonder who else grew up gay or bisexual
from my religious class
are there others that are forced to live in quiet silence ??
I always felt afraid
and now that I am facing more of myself
and I watch the world around  me becoming more
homophobic
I genuinely feel scared and afraid to be out
I spent my whole life hiding
I don't wanna hide anymore
I wish I long for a world
where I don't have to worry if my country
will pass laws against me
where I don't have to walk in fear .

I think for so long
I blamed israel
for all of my pain adn existence
when really it was me
just healing lots of trauma patterns in my life
I want to look at my life through a different lense
I still wanna believe to love people
to love my life
I still wanna believe that all is possible for me
and that the words we say are so powerful
so we need to choose them carefully
and see how we create our reality.

rebirth
from dead
I pick myself up,
it smells
like burnt ashes,
go out
and act all friendly to the ones around me,
while hoping all the while
that they can't see my
ever bleeding broken shattered
flaming heart
I don't know what is true these days,
at times
sniff the air
it smells burnt around me
I realized men had hurt me so much
I was afraid to say that I liked them
and that I like both guys and girls
but the truth is
that when I look back
my heart has been so devasted broken in half
by so many men and women
and still rebirth from the dead is possible
when we can't see the light
we think that we can't go on
but than somehow we gather the strength to,
my whole life I bit my tongue
held my breath
held my opinions to myself
couldn't see myself out of the pit
that I was in
but now
now I see.

I think
I am starting to see
perceptions
I see that I do love israel
eventhough
it has taught me some hard lessons
but they were lessons that I needed to see
sometimes life must break you
in order to grow you
I love how the people care about each other
in times of need
how people smile at you on the street
how old israeli grandmothers
will treat you as their own
how we treat each other as family for good or bad
how life is authentic here
and how we don't bullsht each other
life is refreshing crazy and intense here
and there are things that I hate
and that things that I can't stand
but there are also so many beautiful things here
how people love their family here
how there are so many animals here
how we live in a beautiful country
with so many beautiful beaches
towns rivers streams
nature spots
and laughter of chidren
sparkling throughout the air.
How walking down the street
I hear arabic hebrew russian and sometimes english as well.
How despite how the world portays us
we work together in peace
and especially where I live in Israel
we all live in peace
how in times of trouble we get together
to protest we don't just stand by
and allow things to go on,
how we are so strong
how we hold each other when we cry,
how we care about one another
how we yell at each other
one minute
and the next we are laughing together!
This is my home
Israel and Palestine.