the anger seeps through my body
hot like fire
soft and hard like led
I am not sure
if all of the anger
that I feel inside of me
is because of
Israel in itself
or if its because
I am angry at myself and
at the world that was built
around me from my trauma
I keep on wanting to travel to escape
and I am not sure if that's me
or if its my trauma responding to me
the other side of me misses america
with my heart and soul
but that too feels bad
maybe the world is just dark
right now
and I feel it.
I am angry at the school that scammed
me
and took so much money from me
The only thing that comforts me is
knowing that the universe
protects sees and knows.
my pain
and sees it all.

The aliens have landed
government uses things as a distraction
when many people who were thought of
to be crazy have been trying to tell the masses
for so long
I too didn't get my covid shots
because of the truth I knew
than the truth came out
and noone cared
maybe point is
the general people
who think that people like me are delusional
maybe we know something that you don't
learn to trust the ones
that society sees as being weird hippie or witchy
we often see what's coming
before others
do
the awakenings are coming
and things will unfold even more
keep your mind open
and your heart in healing
and see what can occur
because we have so much power
within us
but we give it away to others
or feed our fears
instead of feeding our dreams
its never to late
so don't give up

Hunger
raw
inside
my stomach churns
it seems i can't ever get it to stop
to be satisfied
with the food that I feed it
feel so much fear around food
around eating
am I eating too much
or too little
will it make me fat
will it heal me
will it make me sick
all I know is since the age of five
I was put on diets
for my "health"
and my stomach would ache
and I would cry and scream
I remembered today
the wounds
how I would go to bed hungry
how I was threatened that if I didn't behave
I wouldn't eat
how I would store the candies
in my drawer
how me and my brother made a game out of it
how I would take the candies from my mom's purse
how my mom would eat it and would tell me that I couldn't
how my brother would cry out at night
from hunger.
I see patterns
calling out from the depths of my internal darkness
wanting to be heard and seen
maybe others see me today
and think that I eat too much
because I am no longer a size zero
more like a size 10
but really what they don't know is
how much I struggle each day
to feed myself
how much of a joy and healing it is
for me to buy myself cookies
and eat them
to enjoy them
I would love to live in  a world without diet culture
but alas I am working
on setting myself free
slowly
from its clasps.

Its' like each time
I dream
I see more and more
of me
of who I am experiencing
and who I was
trapped stuck in the time
see what they don't tell you about
healing
is that
trauma makes you frozen in time
as you heal
you literally remember more of who you are
you have moments of peace and less dissacoiation
you start to feel your body more
in my dreams
I go places
many times I am escaping
trying to be somewhere else
so many times
in real life  
it feels as if I am being choked alive
as if my words don't matter
and I have lost the words to speak
I feel trapped in a time dimension
of space
of my fears
and pains .
I have always felt that I
experience this world differently
like I see things before they happen
like I percieve things differently
like I am an alien human
when I speak with animals
I feel like I belong
when I am sitting in nature
feet on the grass
staring at the brilliant
blue sky
I feel one
with all
I feel like myself
when I stare into cat's eyes
I feel like
I am staring into the universe
for we are all
at its core
love
creation energy
the universe
I know it sounds cheesy
but the more I heal
the more I find
that this is the truth
I used to believe
that people didn't like me
so that is what I was shown
in the world
now I feel my heart
starting to open up again
and I notice how more women
seem  to smile at me
in the streets
for it is all a projection .

been shamed
for the people
that I love
and for who i am
for as long as i can remember
now i am starting to see myself
beyond the shame
and i see a women who has so much strength
a women who is a free spirit
a women who loves many different types of men and women
who loves the artists the poetry the philosophers
and the ones who are smart who are shy
the ones who are quiet and have lots to say
the ones who sing beautiful songs
and are waiting for others to just see them
I believe in people
still after all of my pain
because what I am starting to see
is that nothing is bad or good
it is just the way we view things that make it so.

as I watch the protests from within
tearing down my streets my people
I have come to love and hate this country all at once
but in times of trouble and pain
the israeli people are my family
I feel my heart breaking all over again
but as well I remember the tears and blood
of the palestianians blood that is still fresh upon
the same land for the past 75 years of terror
see people think that its just the land of israel or palestine
but no its been a land of conflict and pain for a long while
a place where the greatest demons fears and patriarchial patterns
play out
I think that's why its one of the centers of the world
probably the only place.
You can feel the energies burning through seething
I can't explain it
only the ones who feel connected to this place
feel it
its as if the land cries
along with its people
the scorching sun
lights afire
and the people are on fire
for life for good or bad
I know that this place will prevail on
in some way
my place
my israel
my falestine
my middle east.

what if we all spoke to ourselves
the way that we would talk to our best friends
baby i love you deeply
your doing a great job
i am so proud of you
the world would be such a better place
the best thing we can do for ourselves
is to learn how to parent ourselves.