This sickness,
Unlike anything before,
A tar like substance seeping from the marrow,
As it accumulates in the blood it seeps from the pours.
Slowly you feel it like a hot sweat dripping from your legs.
The more it develops the harder it becomes to move,
Losing all the momentum once gained.
The more you struggle against it the deeper it flows into the blood,
Soon to be seeping out of ever orifice.
You must find calm in this sickness,
It encourages madness, and dissipates sanity.
It will erase the ease you once had and at heart and the comfort at mind.
It will drive you into sorrow and depravity,
Driving away all You've cared for until it becomes your only comfort.

As a kid I remember always wanting to make you proud or smile or even laugh.
As I've grown I only found disappointment.
I could make you smile, I could make you laugh, but I couldn't teach you.
As I watched my sister grow up I could only see her disappointment in you grow.
As I tried to push you to be more then just a voice on the phone to us you pushed us away even further,
Only leaving me to do my best for her, every single time you fell short.
I got over how you are early on in my life,
But I watched her give you every chance in the world, all you did was disappoint her.
I watched you live your life, and she watched you too,
And all she wanted was to be more apart of it.
My heart broke every time she had something to show you she was proud of and you weren't there,
You made it clear if what we do isn't something you like you won't support us even if it was better for us.
You've made it clear we can't speak to you, not without you getting drunk first and arguing after.
So as we've grown you've left us in disappointment,
As we've grown more open minded to the world you've only shown that you'd rather stay closed off to it, and us as well.
So now on father's Day my sister wishes me a happy father's day,
And I wish none of my own.
For all I am is a disappointed son.

To a father that only needed to listen and be there.

A Chair far beyond reach to those that want it, and those that seek it out, Its desire seeks those weak enough to swallow whole.
Its miles below the surface dwelling in a cold depth far from all known life, behind an old wood door, miles further more, from warmth of sunlight.
It's a place so far from help, hope is hopeless, the Only way out is from within it, and your self.

Beyond the Wooden door, you become trapped,  the Chair draws you deeper, as the door is consumed into darkness, and all walls consumed by oblivion, your direction has been taken, as you lay bare and lost.
Gain just your footing, and your stars, only for the last peak of hope to fade away aswell as the above becomes below and below above as you walk into the darkness,
Miles you cross, into the abyss you've been lost,
you in stupefaction, hope now gone, the Chair draws you nearer.

This place will know you inside, know your heart and mind, it will break you, defeat you and after its won it seeks to decimate, changing your very way of being.
It will let you see the world through eyes not your own,
in a body you feel you simply occupy.
As you step through your own life it sheds you into darkness,  it forces you away from others and shelters you for its self to feed moreover on.
It creates a new you, alone, trapped in darkness and anguish.

Once it has taken your mind and your body, this is when  you have found the Chair, or it finds you, it waits, after all your pain and suffering after your fall from oblivion into the abyss of woes, you may sit, you may now find a place of gravity of center, this chair, or the darkness ahead.

If your wise you leave this chair, for it is the throne of death, it is your resting place, to sit is suicide,
The chair will force to vanquish your own life,
It chooses every method known to man,
It let's you decide, and as your final seconds pass with your last breath, you see the light that waited beyond the darkness tat was ahead, as you perish.

But to those that walk forward and pass the Chair,
Your granted life, and your granted happiness,
It will teach you more struggles then others will face but it will end, and walking onward will grant you life, happiness and wellbeing.

For that door is the pathway through the gates of depression, the Chair is the seat if death when you surrender to lifestyle struggles and the light is the hope you will never lose, walk forward an onward survivor of life and death.

I walked up to you with every intention to taste you.
I looked you in your eyes and you new what I had come to do.
I took your hand and led you to the sofa, ******* you I took my time kissing and rubbing your body an ****** massage as each article of clothing falls.

Getting hotter
On your knees
Only one rule
Do as I say

Gags on her toy
Is wet with joy
Ready to play
We have all day.

The sun's not up yet but soon,
The air is dry the wind cold,
A dark street, trash scattered about,
a few mice near by eating from the gutter.

The smell of old food and ***** lingers on the sea salted breeze.

It's a corner street in miami,
Theres a few people living in tents near by,
Some arguing around the corner sirens in the distance as the eco of a near by freeways traffic floats on with the sound of clubs and bars, the sound of a city.

I've walked for hours as this night draws its end and day starts, my ride pulls up, I jump in and head home.

I take the side door, i always have, makes me feel like i have privacy, not much but some in this house with my uncle his wife and my grandmother.

My rooms dark with the shades down light enough not to need a light but dark enough for naps, I drop a bag on the floor, drop another in the bed, and then I throw myself to the pillows.

I always found some solice in laying alone watching the dust particles float by the sun's light peaking through the blackout curtains, I always think of when I was a child, or my old apartment,  these were comfortable to me.

I layed there looking up words, I do this sometimes, especially after reading often, I'd look up a word that intrested me, then I'd try to find as many words in germaneness, that means," in relevance to".

I found several words that peaked my intrest, and they were separated by a basic understanding,
One is with intent to leave serious issues the other is the intent to leave discomfort,
The difference is as great as harm and hurt.

Placing my back down, I decided to watch the dust,
Even moving about a blanket in order to stir more into my view of the beams of light,  I hadn't slept by now, I was shaking in fear hours prior, and moments after this a total desire for smarting,as I punched a tree. I punched until the bark came off and I was punching nothing more then the juicy flesh of the tree its self.


I simply felt and felt the need to continue to feel pang.
When I reach a certain point of defeat or anguish I feel the need to dwell in it, and so I did so. Hands painted knuckles red not ******,
And my lungs give me an old smoker's body hello, shorty after another ****** cough to follow.
I clearly should have stopped smoking hours prior but at this point the taste of blood is familiar as it mixed in with the nicotine,
Another cough, my eyes heavy I start to sleep, wakingnup in a panic over and over I retain my self enough to close my eyes again and again.

Its tiresome now, theres not much point in fighting it.
So again and again I close my eyes to wake in panic.

Relentlessly fearing my own slumber.

Love is wonderful,

But it's at times more painful to apply logic to love,


Most people share love differently,
Some use it against you,
Others can mix it up.

To do your best in good and bad times for one individual,
While that individual wont do things the same way.

Leaving you to feel as tho you were wronged,
This is love,
Some people can show you 24/7  how they love you, others will take it away and give it back depending on the situation,
In the end the application of action in the words of love displays more then most expect yet most dont push to see that stride in actions and settle with less.


If you will maintain your composure in order to show restraint and respect in one situation,
Yet in your attempt you love refuses to hold the same demeanor as you creating a negative situa6in which you can feel overwhelmed and even alone.


Sacrifice is a big one but Sacrifice can build resentment if your not successfully putting in what your taking out, to sacrifice parts of your life for another is noble, but if asked would they?

Love isnt easy and it's not fun, it's hard and its painfull, love often love many, and let your heart break a few times you may never understand the full complexity of love but you will gain more in feeling it then not at all.
Love. Lesson 1