My brain is a muddled up mess
I am surrounded by family
But they are all strangers

Perhaps I am the stranger
The stranger they poke and **** at
Just to see how much she can bleed

How much can she take
Before she turns into a wreck
Slumped on the floor

Scathing words and half truths
Slam into me, worm their way into my mind
Killing me slowly, from the inside out

I can feel the tears
Pushing against my eyes
Wishing to be set free

Maybe I should set them free
And let them drown everyone
Everyone who has ever harmed me

If I open the floodgates
Maybe you all
Can crash and burn with me

Suddenly
So randomly
Everything becomes too much

Too bright
Too loud
Too full
Too
Much

Suddenly
So randomly
The lights coat my eyes

They're shinning down
Into my eyes
Blinding me
Flooding my senses
Assaulting me
I cannot see

Suddenly
So randomly
I cannot breathe

There is no air left for me
I'm choking
Little huffs of breath
Escape past my quivering lips
It feels like nothing is coming
In or out

Suddenly
So randomly
I can hear everything

My mind will not shut off
The noises feel as if
A loud speaker
Is blaring directly into my ears
I cannot turn it off

Suddenly
So randomly
The room is so full

Everyone is surrounding me
They haven't moved,
Yet they are all around
I cannot escape

Suddenly
So randomly
My heart feels as if it will burst

The pounding of my heart
Echoes in my head
Jumping against my chest
Threatening to break free

I am assaulted by my own senses
I cannot turn them off
They're there
All at once

Too much
Too much
Too much

I wonder when all the lies will catch up with me
get lodged in my throat
and make me choke with the weight of them

When did telling people that I'm fine
become such a bold faced lie

When did hiding my feelings
behind a painted on smile
became normal for me

My smile is heavy
leaving behind an aching jaw
but no joy

My eyes shinning
not with laughter
but with the tears I refuse to shed

My face is a mask
An impenetrable fortress
That will not be torn down

No one will know how I suffer
how I suffer so greatly

How my heart pounds in my chest
My ears ringing with the incessant noises
The lights are too bright
The world is too full
I cannot breathe

The people around me **** the oxygen out of the air
and leave me with nothing
Nothing but my pounding heart
and aching ears

My shaking hands
are quivering with the force it takes to lift them

To act normally

To act as if I don't feel like I am dying

Short, panicked breathes escape my lips
I think they will give me away

But don't worry

No one notices me anyway

strangers gathered around a table
talking and laughing
smiling at each other like they have a secret
an inside joke
a bond

they are surrounding me
the cheerful mood is intoxicating
makes me feel as if everything will be okay

the mirage shatters
the illusion disappears

I do not belong here
I have never belonged here

I have always been on the outside
looking in

I often catch myself wanting
and wishing
to be in

to feel at peace
and happy
is all I have ever wanted
to be included

but I will always be on the outside of everything
and never truly belong

I wanted to cry
******, I wanted to scream

How dare you make me feel this way
Make me want to fade
Out of existence

Old scars leave a phantom pain behind
Searing into my skin
Into my soul

It hurts
Oh, how the pain burns

My eyes sting
With the force it takes to fight back my tears

I choke on the pain I hide away
Until it's late at night
And I'm too full of it
To care who sees

It strangles me
Cutting off my air
Until I feel
As if I'll never breath again

The violence of it
Leaves me aching with wounds
New and old
Those unseen

As I lay across the floor
Choking and bleeding
I will wonder
If this is the end of me

I want to talk
I want to tell
I want to share

Share about this pain in my heart
The aching of my soul

But I don’t
I keep it bottled up
So full I fear it will explode
Shatter into a million pieces
Scattered around me
Like the wreckage,
Or aftermath of a war

A war against myself
Long fought
But I don’t think I’m winning

Most days I feel as if I will always be losing
Losing myself

Phantom whispers caress me
Their volatile words shock me
The painful spasms of my heart
beat in time with my thoughts
swarmed in fears

Fears that I am not good enough
That all that I am, will never be enough

These fears take form
Until they are all that I can see

When I look in the mirror
I won’t even see me​

Are you happy with yourself?
Are you happy with the way you treat people?
Do you get off on hurting those who care about you,
do you feel pleasure in causing them pain?

How does it feel tearing apart people that love you?
Is this a good thing, are you alright with this?

I try and I try.
Nowhere.

That's where it gets me.

So many games,
we tiptoe around like we don't know what we are doing,
like we don't know what's really happening.

Keeping people at arms length,
letting them in slowly,

but not really.

Aren't you tired of games?
Why do you let me in, let me care and give and want

Just take it away
to pull back and scream and fight

I am so tired fighting,
I think I'll just be done.

Who would want to fight for you anyway? ​