Thought I had it all figured out
This was what I wanted without a doubt
So why do I feel so out of place
Constantly in a dark space
If it’s not this then it’s that
Walked all over like a door mat
My opinions don’t matter so why bother
Feel like i’m a lamb to the slaughter
Just existing until the day I don’t
Want to speed it up but I won’t
Sick of living with this sorrow
Wondering if it’ll be better tomorrow
What’s the point of trying anymore
Just want to be drunk on the shore
Staring out at the ocean knowing true peace
Instead i’m being broken piece by piece
Not much left of me
Is this how it has to be
Always the bad guy
No matter how much I try
I’ll never be what everyone wants me to be
Am I supposed to always feel this lonely
Wonder when the day comes that I snap
Will it feel better than feeling like crap
Should I like the idea of being isolated
Start doing drugs until my eyes are dilated
Maybe then i’ll forget about this pain
Maybe then i’ll get off this train
That takes me to every depressing stop
Slowing falling from the top
Losing my grip on everything i’ve had
I guess i’ll end up exactly like my dad
Every single day my happiness will deplete
How do I stop feeling so Incomplete
These are the thoughts that remain
This is it, I’m lost again

I’ve been being selfish for so long
Stuck in my head i’ve got it all wrong
On the sidelines while my family is in pain
Wish we’d talk more but I refrain
Don’t want it to seem like I don’t care
It’s unfair, this responsibility i bear
I know it’s not my fight
But it doesn’t feel right
Sitting here doing nothing for you
Maybe that’s why i’m so blue
I feel so helpless and I don’t know what to say
Scared that you won’t be here someday
I can’t find those special words
Or sing a beautiful song like birds
Something to take away all your trauma
Hopefully someday you’ll forgive mama
I hate seeing my family so torn apart
Physically feeling those tears on my heart
Hard to celebrate holidays being incomplete
Wish i could shake this feeling of defeat
What i’d give to be back at that wooden table
I know we might not ever be stable
But i miss laughing as a family
Maybe it’s the insanity
Going through another heartbreak
Everything you do feels like a mistake
You’re so much more than you seem
The MVP on my team
You’ve done so much for me
Someday you’ll see what i see
We’re all outcasts
Not the first or last
But you’re my older brother
Held it down without our mother
Without you I would’ve been so scared
Thank you for the love you’ve shared
Foster care was no match for us
So many things we need to discuss
Like why we stopped playing ball
Or how did i get so tall
I wouldn’t be who i am without you
I wouldn’t be alive without you
Never told you but you talked me out of trying
When the only thing i felt like doing was dying
We’re all so hurt
We’ve been dragged through the dirt
Yet we always had each other’s backs
I just wish we could have that back
I wish I could help.

It’s not okay to be not okay
Smile through pain every single day
Life’s too short to worry
No one cares about your story
You’re not depressed it’s just a phase
Your head isn’t a boiling maze
Everything is going to be okay
You’re scaring everyone away
You don’t actually want to stop living
Just hurry up and get over the feeling
It’s time you start acting like a man
Remember it’s all part of some bigger plan
So just smile and move on… right?
No there’s darkness in the light
Can’t have happy without sad
Can’t have good without bad
See it’s okay to not be okay
Not everyday is a good day
You’re going to feel alone
Might turn off the phone
Ignore everything and everyone
Ask yourself if you’re really done
No one knows about your pain
Walk alone in the heavy rain
You can pretend everything is over
Or you can forget about being sober
You only live once right
Why not forget about it some nights
Now i’m not saying become an alcoholic
Or numb your feelings until you’re robotic
Just that you don’t always have to be okay
It’s okay if there’s no smile on display
Please remember it’s okay to not be okay

Love is a huge part of our life
From Stranger, Friend, Girlfriend, to wife
You’re the one i want to grow old with
Staring into your eyes has been a gift
We’ve had our up and downs
Our smiles and frowns
Life’s been better since the day we met
No matter how annoyed we may get
I know we’ll find our way to one another
Someday you’ll make a great mother
I remember fighting for your attention
Like i was in another dimension
Knew that you’d be the one
Oh how this journey has been fun
I’m not the best person but for you I try
Don’t need drugs because you get me high
We’ve both got things to work through
But you make believe love is true
It’s 3 am and i miss your face
Showed me that home isn’t a place
It’s wherever you are
No matter how far
Adoring you while you’re asleep
Reminiscing cuddling to lil peep
The walks, talks, showers, and flowers
The first time we shared a kiss
When my mind wonders it goes to this
At work and i’m thinking of you
Gives me the motive to push on through
You’re the reason my world rotates
You and I dear, are Soulmates

The floor beneath my feet creaked
It’s been silent in this room for a week
Your body was found right where i’m sitting
The words on this letter have my head splitting
How could you be okay with leaving like this
All i can do is cry and clench my fists
I’m so angry that you left me here alone
Why didn’t i just pick up my phone
Maybe if i did you’d-
Maybe you’d still be here
I hope this made your pain disappear
Are you okay with knowing you’ve broken us
Or have all your memories turned to dust
Gone like you
I miss you
You’re so selfish I just don’t get it
After a week the feeling finally hit
You’re actually gone
What did we do wrong
We all loved you and showed that we cared
Why couldn’t you just get scared
What did you even have to fear
The love was always right here
Maybe we didn’t love you enough
Or maybe we loved a little too rough
Either way you’re gone and i hate you
i hate you so much i’m turning blue
Now look what you’ve got me doing
What happened to the dream you were pursuing
I can’t help but punch your bed
What was going on inside your head
Couldn’t you just talk to me at all
Or is that why you had called
Why didn’t i answer the phone call
I’m begging to god as i sit here and fall
It wasn’t your time to go yet
I keep thinking about how we met
Just little kids at the same school
We always thought we were so cool
Especially riding our bikes to the shop
Shared the same bus stop
We’d always race to the top of the street
I’m lying here crying on your sheets
I’m sobbing in my sheets
I thought about not doing it
Even tried to call for a bit
I just wanted to hear your voice again
Maybe it would help ease this pain
I’m sorry i didn’t say goodbye
I’m just done living this lie
I pretend i’m happy but inside it hurts
Only seems to keep getting worse
Tried talking about it but no one listens
Yet they always ask why i seem so distant
I know you think you love me but you don’t
I can’t keep on going so i guess i won’t
Don’t think of this as my suicide letter
I just hope this makes it a little better

When I leave the world will still spin round
I’ll be buried six feet beneath the ground
Look inside my head and you might get sick
Life is a disease, it’s just one big tick
Slowly draining my existence
Keep your distance
I’m tired of being let down
I’m sick of letting you down
Every single day i drown
Misery’s popular in my town
Suicidal thoughts since i was ten
Cried for help, was told to be a man
Developed a strong hatred for men
Have the worst of luck with women
Tried to end it multiple times
Went savage and committed multiple crimes
Looked for any excuse to start a fight
Drinking every night because it felt right
Avoided mirrors and degraded myself
Took pills, washed it down with what was left
Of the bottle known as my only friend
I ponder when my life will end
Took matters into my own hands
It feels like no one understands
I don’t think i’ll ever be okay
I’m sick of hearing what they say
Tell me it’s fine, that i’ll get through this
When deep inside of me there’s an abyss
One i can’t seem to get rid of
No matter how hard i push and shove
This feeling of being empty
I think about this plenty
I’m sick and tired of feeling this way
I’m sick and tired of today
I’m sick and Tired

My biggest enemy is me
I may be miserable but i’m free
How can i be enough for someone else
When i’m not even enough for myself
I despise the person i see in the mirror
With everyday the reason gets clearer
I find comfort in being broken
Rather be lonely on this path i’ve chosen
All i know is abandonment, neglect, and pain
Which is why i find peace in the rain
I stare at myself and question my worth
Thinking of the day i’ll leave this earth
I shatter anything that could be good
Maybe i’m just misunderstood
I’m not a good person
My pain will only worsen
Because i want it to
i’m scared of something new
Whenever i have hope it’s quickly lost
Lost so many things but what’s the cost
I closed my eyes and counted to ten
Decided then i’ll never try again
So when things start to look up
Leave it to me, to self destruct

Forget everything I said
I’ll be alone until I’m dead
The voice in my head was right all along
The bottom of this bottle is where I belong
It’s about time I stepped on the brakes
About time I gave my heart a break
My minds a dark place but I feel safe there
Sure it hurts but at least I’ll be aware
I know where the pain is hitting
I torture myself and it’s fitting
I deserve all the hate I get
Tried against my odds and lost the bet
When I hear your name part of me shatters
you’re happy and that’s all that matters
you made me feel whole again
but now my heart has hardened
i wish i wasn’t so in love with you
especially when you text out the blue
i get happy to know you still need to use me
and i’ll go wherever you need me to go
i’d tell you anything you’d want to know
i would do whatever it was you asked of me
show you the flaws of my history
i’d be there and i’d do that
do anything to have your back
but you’re better off without me here
no one cares to wipe my tears
i’ll only start to make things worse
and this is why love’s a curse

Some things are better left alone
some days i’m better off my phone
waiting for that text that’ll never come
back’s against the wall i refuse to run
i’ve run from so many problems in the past
i told myself that she’d be the last
and so she was, the last person i truly loved
can’t remember the last time i was hugged
i feel so empty and broken inside
last time i think i actually died
nothings been the same since that attempt
maybe that’s why i always feel contempt
tell me you hate me, hit me as i cry on the floor
don’t stop if you see blood, hit me some more
this is what i told you i deserve
there’s a part of me that you’ll always reserve
which means i’ll never be happy again
i’ll never feel the way i did when i was ten
once i turned eleven you showed up
i took you in like i would a lost pup
except you knew exactly where you were
you’re the cause of this pain i endure
you make me tired when i’m wide awake
you’re the reason i want to drown in a lake
i don’t know how much more i can take
even if i heal it won’t be long before i break
don’t you see old friend, i’ve given up already
shaking as i type there’s no way to keep steady
breathing’s uneasy
stomach’s feeling queasy
blade in my hand, i’m prepared for the end
congrats depression, you’ve won old friend

I gave you my damaged heart
Trusted you, but you tore it apart
In the corner thinking in the dark
Stabbed me deep, you really hit the mark
I don’t want you on my mind
Never knew love would be so hard to find
You put me in the mood to get wasted
I’ll never forget the way your breath tasted
The little noises you make while you sleep
Cuddling while we listen to Lil Peep
I know you don’t mean it but you tear me apart
We knew it wasn’t a good idea from the start
I’m sorry I caught these stupid feelings
Wish we could go back to the beginning
Avoid any complications and just stay friends
I hope it doesn’t but I’m scared of how this ends
I break my heart and you hurt my head
Can’t shake the feeling that I’m better off dead
The thought of losing you absolutely breaks me
Maybe that’s the way it has to be
I’m just not good for anyone
If only I could’ve gotten the job done
Maybe the world would be a better place
Hating myself while tears go down my face
I know this situation is all my fault
Think it’s time to just store my heart in a vault
Throw it in the cold bottom of a lake
Hope no one finds it for their sake
And here I am turning my pain into art
Don’t feel bad, I’m the one who tears me apart

Sometimes I forget how young you are
Crazy you’re my best friend yet you live so far
You meet people in the weirdest ways
Back on zombies on bo4 I’ll never forget the days
Friendship started cause of a YouTube comment
And it doesn’t matter where our dads went
You’ve been a huge part of my life
I plan to be there the day you marry your wife
Which lets be honest it’s gonna be Amelia
Hopefully she never becomes like Sheila
But seriously you two are perfect together
I’ve got no doubt you two will last forever
She knows if she hurts you I’ll be on my way
Never find the body far away from the bay
Or maybe 6 ft beneath the ground
Okay enough messing around
Thank you kris for always sticking around
October 10th a king was crowned
Might be an ocean away but you’re my bro bro
Even if you’re short and look like my big toe
You might not be the best player ever right
You’ll always be my dude for Dead by Daylight
It’s always a wave of emotions when we play
Like will we scream, laugh, or both today
I’ll be here to keep your playlist updated
You’re a human who will never be hated
Genuinely one of the best people I know
Even if sometimes you act like a (you know)
I hope today you have an amazing time
Like youngboy, boy you my slime
My brother you’ll always have my trust
Unless we’re playing among us
Swear you’ve stabbed me in the back too much
It’s okay cause sometimes you come in clutch
I don’t know what else to say
Except you ugly kiddo HAPPY BIRTHDAY

It’s dark and I can’t find your hand
I feel weak and I can hardly stand
You were the light of my darkness
Save me from life and it’s harshness
I’ve lost joy, love, and hope
Without you I’m not sure that I can cope
Said you stay but I can’t feel you
My heart is turning black and blue
I’ve bled all of my bathroom floor
Suicidal thoughts get to me more and more
Used to drink to let go of the pain
Now I take long walks in the rain
Played me like I’m some sort of game
I trusted you, so I’m the one to blame
I’m not perfect, sorry to disappoint
I try, but I don’t see the point
You gave up on me so easily
I’d love you for all of eternity
But you let me go, you set me free
Doing my best to be the best me
It’s hard cause the best part of me was you
Now I’m not sure what to do
I hate that you said you’d stay
Because I didn’t expect it would end this way

Life has its way of making you change
Sometimes it’s fun, other times it’s strange
We met when I was in my darkest chapter
Drank until oblivious, no worries of what’s after
You showed me there was hope
Gave me reasons not to tie the rope
We had quite the ride
I felt like a superhero with you by my side
I wish things didn’t turn out the way they are
You were my best friend although you live far
There’s no one to blame except me
Maybe if I wasn’t so stupid this isn’t how it’d be
So we’re slowly putting this friendship to rest
Looking at it now, it’s definitely for the best
You have your whole life in front of you
So go rule it all with that smile and eyes so blue
You deserve to smile and laugh everyday
I’m sorry if I ever made you feel any other way
Genuinely wish you the best life
One day you’ll make a great wife
Have some beautiful kids, a wonderful family
I wish everyday you go to sleep happily
As for me, I’m sure I’ll be okay
I’ve just been missing you a lot today
I still wish this wasn’t the end
Thank you dummy, for being my Best Friend

I love when I get to rest my lips on your lips
Pull you closer with my hands on your hips
Falling hard but we’re lying in bed
Play with your hair while I kiss you on the head
Singing love songs while you fall asleep
They say to have faith so I’m taking a leap
Sleeping on my shoulder and you start to snore
Times like these only make me love you more
I go home smiling cause I know I’ll be back
Only thing about home is it’s you that it lacks
Wish I could take you home to our own place
Stare into your eyes with my hand on your face
You kickstart my heart and get me out the dark
Pressed in deep inside my head she left her mark
I know sometimes I get on your last nerve
But I want to give you the love you deserve
I’ve watched you sleeping for a bit
I adore you and your eyebrow slit
I want to buy you things made out of gold
Wear these smiles on our faces til we’re really old
You can cry on my shoulder
Hold me close when it gets colder
I’ll try my hardest to keep you warm
Hold you down throughout the storm
I promise I’m here to stay
Wouldn’t want it any other way
Cause your smile makes my day
Hopefully one day you’ll be my bae
People come and go but you’ve been here
Last time I held you I almost shed a tear
But it was from joy
You make me feel like a happy little boy
I get butterflies
Count as the time flies
With you there’s so many things left to do
I’ve been falling hard for you

You caught me laying on the train tracks
Listening to sad tracks
Thinking about times we had
Guess it wasn’t all bad
Too bad now we’re all sad
Wishing time would turn back around
so I lie here on the ground
Waiting for this train to come
I feel the vibrations as I hum
Hum along to the sad songs
I’ve been up for too long
Maybe I’m just tired
Hearts been set on fire
Can’t you see I tried for my last time
Stuck in a box like a mime
Except the box is my mind
Sanity is a little hard to find
But I guess it won’t matter that much
Just waiting on this train and such
Laying on some broken glass
Wonder how much time has passed
Running out of patience
Don’t wanna end up a patient
Just want it to be over
Some messed up kind of closure
Sorry but you just can’t help me
This never ending feeling of being lonely
Drives me insane especially at night
I hate that I love you, it’s poetic right
Hate me now but you’ll love me when I’m gone
I can see the light now, so it won’t be long

I’m done letting people step over me
I’m done being kind, nice, and lovely
I’ve picked up all of this broken glass
Tried my best to fix us and our past
On my knees begging for you to stay
Sick and tired of these games you play
So stab me in the back
Tell me what I lack
Make fun of my pain
Throw dirt on my name
I’m over trying to please you
My skies are turning blue
I’ve cut myself with the glass you broke
All those lonely nights I’d cry and choke
Hoping you’d change, see me for who I am
Tried to win you back, I’m sorry for the spam
Months of my life just thrown down the drain
So I listen to music while I walk home in the rain
Wiped your tears, held you here, kept you warm
Now I wish I never knew you were born
Just a terrible memory locked inside my head
It’ll probably stay with me til I’m dead
Go watch the sunrise with someone else
I’ll be here drinking until my heart melts

I’m beaten up and bruised inside
Never forgetting how you lied
Took my heart and ran away
Maybe you’ll text me back today
If you don’t I won’t care
I think I’ve had my share
Of your drama and your pain
Life goes on I’m switching lanes
I keep on acting like I hate you
I just don’t know what to do
Cause you used me as a rebound
But baby I know that deep down
You still care about me
And it’s hard to unsee
Everything we’ve done
What have we become
Absolute strangers
Fear my life’s in danger
Filling my lungs with smoke
Holding back tears as I choke
I can’t seem to find my mind
I’d be lying if I told you I were fine
Used to feel like you were always there
Used to make you smile and everytime I’d stare
I miss you and the things we’d discuss
But now it feels like there’s an ocean between us
I’m broken, lost, left without a clue
It’s such a shame you’ve left me black and blue

I called your phone but got no answer
This distance between us feels like cancer
Just wanna rip this heart out my chest
Forget about you like the rest
But I fear I’ve fallen in too deep
Get told to leave a message after the beep
You know it’s my number so you don’t pick up
So here I sit pouring alcohol in my cup
Thinking about everything you’d say
These things you’d say have their way
Of becoming worse day and day
Once made me happy now they tear me apart
I gave you my already damaged heart
Yet you abused it anyway, took it for granted
Now I cry alone broken and abandoned
I’ve typed over 40 messages to you
Cried and choked cause of a few
Gave my everything and even my all
All I ever wanted was us not to fall
But we’ve fallen down, out, and shattered
Your happiness, the only thing that mattered
You made me happy and once again whole
You’re gone now and there’s nothing but a hole
I sit in the corner of my room
Staring at the ceiling awaiting my doom
Crying and cutting and coughing and more
Soaking in blood along the floor
I’m glad you can’t see this wreckage
I’ll disappear like a deleted message

I’m afraid I don’t have long so here’s my letter
Hopefully reading this makes it a little better
Thinking about the first time I said I love you
Remember staring at the sky’s lovely view
Feeling like there wasn’t anything I couldn’t do
Feeling like life was a lot better with you
Last night I slid the razor down my wrist
Laughed when I saw the blood, a weird twist
The biggest threat to me is myself
Used to hide my feelings on the top shelf
I wake up everyday feeling empty and useless
Then proceed to make arrogant excuses
Feel like disappearing to Oklahoma
Or taking a few pills and diving into a coma
Failed at another attempt to find love
Asking god if there’s room for me up above
I’m thankful for everyone who’s been there
To who listened when my heart formed a tear
I’m sorry but I’m giving up for good now
I’d love to make it quick I just don’t know how
Everything I can think of I have to suffer a little
Just replace me like you would a fallen skittle
Pick me up and throw me away
Im left speechless I have nothing more to say
Goodbye, I’m sorry it had to end this way

Why do I feel so numb and empty inside
Gripping a blade while blood drips off the side
Thoughts of death creeping around my mind
Why is peace and love so hard to find
They said life isn’t easy
hard to breathe, feeling a bit wheezy
No one told me that life would be this hard
Walked all over like a little glass shard
My heart fell out my chest and shattered
Left me alone like I never even mattered
You can pick me up but I’ll fall right back down
Don’t know how much longer I’ll be around
I don’t feel like that same positive guy
The next time I smile will be on the night I die
I’m sorry to everyone I’ve upset
Once I’m gone I’ll no longer be a threat
I feel like this blade is my only friend
Wasn’t here for the start but it’ll be my end
I’m drowning in my tears while my heart tears
once I’m gone we’ll see who really cares
Suffocating before I fall asleep
Went from not cutting to cutting in deep
Put the cigarette out in my eyes
Feed me with more and more lies
Tell me you love me
That one day I’ll be happy
That this pain won’t last forever
That I’m special, loved, and clever
I’m just another heartbroken teen
With very explicit and horrid dreams
I don’t see why people try so much
As if they haven’t been happy and such
Lived good before me you’ll be better after me
My death is my only satisfactory

I wish she was happy and I was dead
Never forgetting the words that were said
You can never get used to a heartbreak
I pray to god my life to take
being told one thing yet feeling another
Inside my heart feels like my favorite color
It’s black for those of you who don’t know
Screaming for help but my pain I won’t show
I’m scared of opening up again
I miss the days way back when
I was just a stupid kid
Back when depression wasn’t on my grid
Before the girls, anxiety, and drugs
When everyday I would give lots of hugs
Now I sit at my desk with my flask
with the same questions I always ask
Why am I never enough
is loving me really that tough
What am I doing wrong
Is my life destined to be long
Why can’t I just pull this trigger
Can this hole in my heart get any bigger
was it something that I did
will I ever get to be that same stupid kid
I miss feeling happy, loved, and joy
now I’m just everyone’s personal toy
No one wants to know me
there is one thing I can foresee
Watching myself die alone
I wish I’d just sink into the unknown
whatever happened to that stupid kid

She holds my head high when I drop it low
We build together and help one another grow
It’s dangerous falling in love, this I know
I’m the one to keep you warm during the snow
Like Charlie Puth I’m only one call away
I love hearing your voice every single day
Waking up to you is a dream come true
This love is something I wish to pursue
For now we’re falling asleep on a call
Later on we’ll hug and I won’t let go at all
Cause you’re the reason I wake up smiling
You’re the reason I don’t feel like dying
What’s impossible is trying to stay mad
Honestly, you’ll be the best I’ve ever had
Going crazy with you constantly on my mind
Guess I’m lucky, a girl like you is hard to find
I find myself star gazing in your eyes
I pray we never say goodbyes
I love every moment spent together
This is something that I want forever
Waking up next to you in my bed
I picture this all night long inside my head
I really want to make you my wife
This love is what I want for life

Do you know how it feels
To wake up everyday wishing you didn’t
Because after all you’ve done it never heals
After everything you’d think death’d take a hint
Waking up after nightmares on nightmares
I actually don’t like having nice dreams
I’m screaming out for help but no one cares
My suicidal thoughts are getting extreme
Argued with one of the main reason I’m alive
Every time it feels like I’m being stabbed inside
Been trapped for awhile it’s a surprise I survive
Looking around, no ones by my side
People say that they’re here for me
But when I cry out no one responds
Wish I was nothing more than a memory
Feel like drowning myself in a pond
Went from being a hopeless romantic
To flinching at even the thought of love
A story more depressing than the titanic
A tale no one ever wants to speaks of
Everyone wants to focus on the good times
Like a first kiss, but to me it’s haunting
Continuing to try is like committing crimes
No one ever answers so I’ve stopped calling
I don’t care what happens to me anymore
I could get shot in the heart right now
My blood leaking all over the floor
And I wouldn’t even bother to ask how
I’d just watch as this hole in my heart is torn
These are the thoughts my mind has been on
Wonder how many people would really mourn
I’m tired of holding on, it’s time that I’m gone

This is for everyone hanging on by a thread
Trust me, people will miss you if you’re dead
No one hates you as much as you do
No one knows what all you’ve gone through
Feels like you’re alone but I promise you’re not
It could be slight yet you’ll always have a shot
A shot at finding love, hope, or to get better
Hopefully you’ll burn the suicide letter
There will be a day you smile again
A day where you won’t feel the horrible pain
A time will come where all hope is lost
Yeah sure you could end it but at what cost
To throw away the chance of redemption?
It’s hard but don’t give into the depression
For every story has an ending
Our stories here are still ascending
The time will come for us to fly away
But that day is far from today
So pick yourself back up off the floor
Keep on pushing on more and more
Reach out to someone else in need
Talk to people out of love and not of greed
We’ll make it through this if we stick together
I can’t sit here and promise forever
But we’ll last longer if we stand side by side
Stop isolating and start to feel alive inside
I believe things will get better for us
Keep on trying, for Jarad, Jahseh, and Gus
Or for anyone else you’ve lost before
You’re not alone behind that closed door
I guarantee you’re a reason someone smiles
So keep on keeping on, like I do for Miles
You have to keep getting up when you fall
I promise it gets better, I love you all

Never thought I’d say this but you were right
In love with being sad so I sit here and write
I could never be loved cause I’m chaotic
Everyone can tell you that guy is psychotic
Every night having mental breakdowns
Underwater for years it’s time I drown
I miss brushing your hair behind your ear
Kissing your forehead and telling you I’m here
Here to stay
Here to say whatever you need me to say
I miss our late night walks to the park
Held my hand tight we were scared of the dark
Pushed you on the swing
Cuddled while you’d sing
Our favorite song
Wish I could move on
I miss our petty arguments
Like the time we fought in a tent
About what to name our future daughter
***** to know I won’t be her father
I would’ve chosen Faith
But you wanted to name her Grace
I’d name her Grace just to see you smile
Ever since you left I’ve been alone for awhile
I thought about the night at the lake
You fell asleep on me, I waited for you to wake
The sky above us was so beautiful
However staring at you was so more suitable
My girl, my heart, the one holding onto my soul
Couldn’t picture a life where we didn’t grow old
I’m sorry I blew that chance
I’m sorry we never had that last dance
I’d give anything just to be with you
I miss you.

There’s no point in throwing an insult my way
I’ve told myself the worse things there is to say
Yeah I’ve done some terrible things in the past
And each time it’s worst than my last
I’ve casted aside my feelings
Dove into a bottle for new beginnings
Attempted on multiple occasions
Hate the fact that I’m seen as a caucasian
Grow out my hair to cover up my face
I’m insecure and more fragile than a vase
On the brink of depression and insanity
Can’t find love so I stay in a fantasy
Been in conflict yeah I’ve been in fights
Inside my head at night there’s only fright
Torn apart from my suicidal thoughts
Blood on my wrists red like tomato sauce
I wonder how long I have left before I fall
Til cops have to clean my brains off the wall
Until the haters get what they want this year
Until my friends hear what they really fear
That little old me finally isn’t here
But let me make something clear
I don’t wanna die well me as a majority
Part of me is dead even if it’s a minority
It’s growing very slowly but it’s still growing
Trying hard but these thoughts aren’t going
Dream about my death two times a week
People think I’m strong but truly I’m weak
Could die today or in years it could be either
What’s that, you don’t like me? Me neither

I’m sorry for everything, I’m confused
Planted a happy bomb but it was defused
Telling everyone that I’m numb but I’m sad
Daily my mind sees what we could’ve had
Everyone’s trying to care for me
I love you guys so much but please let me be
Some of you only put me in more pain
Yes I’m fine but things aren’t as I claim
Picture a day where the sun didn’t come up
Or closing your eyes but they stay shut
Everyone telling you things get better
While you’re crying and writing a suicide letter
Well my goodbye letter is actually a poem
I’ll release it before the abyss I’ll roam
I wanna go away but I wanna stay here
Don’t wanna stay but I hope I’ll see you there
Wonder what death is like all the time
Feel like I’m trapped like I’m a mime
I’m sorry I didn’t make a good impression
Sorry I pushed away thanks to my depression
I want you back but I know you don’t love me
Not even a breakup there was never even a we
I wanna die today just to see who cares
At my funeral there’d be less than ten there
I wanted you to go away and so you did
My heart would smile when you called me kid
They say my heart is beautiful like a rose
Like all roses I’m dying starting to decompose
I guess it’s over though, you’ve gone away
and now I think about you less day by day

Played in my head are consecutive sad songs
I think about all our rights and all our wrongs
Think about how with you I thought I belonged
Now that you’re gone it’s hard to stay strong
Remember mid breakdown I asked you to stay
Asked you if you’d leave and you said no way
We all know actions speak louder than words
To think I thought you really meant it is absurd
I drown out the sound of your voice in my head
Bumping these sad songs all day long instead
And at nightfall when I lay down to sleep
I like to play sad songs while I count sheep
It helps take my mind off of you
Keeps me away from feeling too blue
A person I’d hope not to write a poem about
You’ve left and now I’ve been torn inside out
I always checked my phone in the morning
Now I wear all black like I’ve been mourning
Believed you were perfect and special
What a shamed we wasted that potential
Only time I feel joy is if I’m eating pop tarts
Forever alone until the day my heart stops
Eating pop tarts to fill in this hole
Don’t just miss your body, miss you as a whole
Today I cried, ate pop tarts, and sang along
To my favorite x, juice, and powfu sad songs
And mentally I’ve been healing but I’m broken
Talked the today but words were unspoken
So the end I shall no longer prolong
Bye from me, my pop tarts, and sad songs

There’s a lot of things in my head for eternity
There’s good and a lot of bad but all memory
Watching omega take his last breath
So young, watching my best friend’s death
Neighbor poisoned him, he slowly died out
Wake up every night mid scream or shout
Dreaming about opening my room door
Seeing my brother unconscious on the floor
Overdosed, so many thoughts inside my head
Crying on the floor is my brother really dead
Checked on his chest and he wasn’t breathing
Checking for his pulse is his heart still beating
Thankfully it was, barely any air in his lungs
Happy our mother didn’t lose one of her sons
My mom wasn’t in the best relationship either
Stepdad was a drug addict and a child beater
Fought little kids because he wasn’t a man
I’d drop him dead now but back then I ran
One night I watched him choke my mom
Situations like that it’s hard to stay calm
Her body hit the floor and went limp
Had to choose to be heroic or be a wimp
I drug her out the house and down the street
Fell on my knees screaming at the concrete
That’s probably my worst childhood memory
Mentally tore out a piece of me
Fast forward, find out I’m going to foster care
Life changed dramatically I couldn’t bare
Climbed up to the roof and saw omega’s grave
Leaped off, don’t know if i was stupid or brave
Wanted to die, only hurt my leg so I cried
Uncle asked if everything was alright, I lied
Over the years I’ve attempted five times
With pills, heights, and even a razor blade
Even went to Crescent Pines for mental aid
I’ll never forget these moments
They were some of my biggest opponents
However I’ve made it through
Everyday is an opportunity for something new
I’m thankful to be here and I’m grateful for you
Best of luck, may all your dreams come true

There was a boy who swore he was in love
He prayed for help from those up above
He really thought things would be different
Met a girl and she was quite magnificent
Told his mom and all his friends about her
Even stayed up late nights writing love letters
Put all his time and effort into a relationship
Thought she was helping him get a grip
On himself and how life was going on
He had no clue the trap that was upon
His near future was in for a real twist
Butterflies after every time they kissed
She truly made him happy to exist
Except her reason for loving him was wrong
She just wanted to feel a reason to belong
She thought loving him would help herself
Wanted a different reason to live life itself
Her ex taught her that she wasn’t worth it
Played with her mind, so her wrist she slit
Her ex got bored and cheated multiple times
Now pay attention to these next rhymes
She doesn’t want to cheat but she does
But it’s not her fault and it’s because
She just can’t control herself around her ex
Especially when he texts her for the ***
He doesn’t know but she sees him every night
It feels good to her but she knows it’s not right
She should break up with him for his sake
She just can’t put him through that heartbreak
It’s not that she doesn’t care for him
She just doesn’t love him
She still loves her ex, yet she hates him too
Forever on her skin like a tattoo
The boy who cried love to his mom is clueless
He’s noticed that she’s down but feels useless
When he asks she shrugs and says it’s nothing
She wears long sleeves to cover up the cutting
He pulls her in for a hug and says I love you
She stays for a bit but then she withdrew
He’s badly concerned this girl is his world
He’d fight anyone once she gave the word
Every night he slowly sinks into depression
Wonders why he can’t make a connection
They used to be so happy together
He pictured a perfect life forever
A few weeks later, he’s having a breakdown
However he gets up, tired of having a frown
So he decided to take a walk to his girls house
He’s there, all lights are off, quiet as a mouse
He goes to knock on her window
But he hears something real low
He watches as his girlfriend kisses her ex
He doesn’t know what to feel or do next
So he takes pictures and returns home
So many thoughts clouding his dome
He sends her the pictures and starts crying
Already dead inside but he feels like dying
So he takes his moms gun, runs to the woods
Never ever thought that she could
He doesn’t look back, he continues to run
His phone buzzes, she said it was just for fun
He’s screaming, a year and half wasted
He can’t breathe, he’s too irritated
He’s texting her, knowing this is goodbye
He’s on the bench where she first walked by
She noticed he’s texted really weird like
Then she realizes and runs for her bike
She checks his house but he’s not here
There’s one other place he’s gotta be there
She’s peddling faster no time for air
She’s close to the place where
They first met, she’s crying her eyes out
She see’s him sitting, so she goes to shout
Wondering if this hole in her heart got bigger
She cries as she watches him pull the trigger
She never wanted to see the end of
The boy who cried love

There’s a possibility for something grateful
Yet there’s a possibility it’s something fatal
I’m scared of ending up alone again
Cause if I’m on my own what happens then
I’ll grow used to it and reject society
Multiple things I’d sink into, a variety
Deeper depression, needing confession
Lacking connection, though alone in a session
Of my own kind of therapy, taking false clarity
I’ve got no insurance, rid of my management
Wanting reassurance, achieved abandonment
I woke up gasping for air
Had a dream that you weren’t there
Got bored and left me by my lonely
I’d cry but, hey that’s the old me
I’m so broken up and I’ve broken down
I can smile all day cause really I’m a clown
Such a lover boy, yet seen as a *** toy
Heartbroken but that’s okay
I’ll be alright someday
If heavens real, god put extra locks up for me
A place so pure, I couldn’t possibly be
I tried to find my place but I don’t belong
Wish someone could prove me wrong
I’m happy for a bit, with my friends it’s lit
But when I’m on my own, it feels like I’m gone
Like no one really cares
Cried out, no one answered my prayers
I’m aware, I have to prepare, life isn’t fair
Watch what I share, because loyalty is rare
You can be broke, even if you’re a billionaire

Truth is I love you so much it hurts
I try to tell you but it never works
I keep pausing at the times I could say it
you’re the forbidden fruit I haven’t bit
Tears me apart to know that you’re sad
Talked about him and the life that you had
Promise I could give you better
If only I could send this love letter
I’ve held onto it, read it over a hundred times
I wish I’d tell you instead of hiding it in rhymes
I’m a helpless lover boy I done fell in deep love
Pickin at my heart make sure you wear a glove
I set up thorns all around it unintentionally
I’m sure you’ll break through them eventually
You’ve got the key to my secrets
As of now you know my main weakness
Losing you is what scares me the most
I hope you aren’t a tick using me as a host
I feel so alive when we’re together
Truthfully I want this forever and ever
I’m worried half to death that you’ll just leave
I’ll be in the darkness by myself to grieve
Cussing at the walls and shouting song lyrics
Tempting myself to do things beyond my limits
The other night I tried picturing a life alone
My mind flooded to a place unknown
Darker than pitch black
As I let go of the tears that I had held back
I realized what I was thinking of
Im not scared of love
I’m scared of achieving it
and losing it.

When all is quiet and I’m stuck in my mind
I’ll cry out for help yet there’s none to find
But my real friends are there by my side
From depression to guilt, no emotions hide
I could free myself and drink a bottle of *****
Or cry myself to sleep until all I do is snooze
I’m so scared of ending up with no one
Scared I’ll get hurt and leave my heart frozen
A huge part of me wants to call it quits already
I continue to fight until I’m actually ready
Ready to give up, I’m ready to kick the bucket.
Remember when she broke our heart locket?
When we gave her our all
You left us all to fall
But we expected this call
You thought you’d be happy forever?
What’d you say to her? Never say never.
Well we’re here for you buddy it’s you and us
What’s wrong? Did you forget? We’re a must.
Well never leave your side
All we do is temporarily hide
But you can never get rid of your emotions
So go ahead drink again. Feel those motions
Well be here when you’re sober and can focus
We’re you’re worst demons like hocus pocus
You found a new one? Worry not she’ll leave
Well listen to all your cries and screams
We’re your real friends. Forget everyone else
We feed off your worries and doubts
Oh great, here come all the shouts
Why do you do that? It doesn’t help.
So go ahead scream, cry, and yelp
You’re just giving us more and more control
Don’t worry we’ll bring an end to your soul
That’s what you want right
Well make your rope extra tight
Let us handle all your problems tonight
You won’t ever have to deal with fright
Off to sleep now, go ahead, goodnight
Okay depression, it’s your turn in the spotlight.

I like to pretend that you are my girlfriend
Not just my best friend
And we are together til the end
It’s just that you are amazing
Driving me crazy
I hope that this never ends
Some day you’ll be my baby
Or he’ll marry you maybe
And I’ll be there until the end
What you are is stunning
Got my mind running
All the way past the end
You are so gorgeous
Your heart is enormous
Your life should never end
Can’t get you out of my head
I’ll love you even when I’m dead
I’ll love you until the end
No matter how much you hurt me
You are the one that deserves me
I’m right here way beyond the end
You make me feel
You help me heal
I promise that it’ll never end
I’ll hold onto your hand
While I’m drowning in quicksand
Suffering until the end

Do you ever wonder why you’re wondering
Keeping yourself calm instead of slaughtering
Every bridge, every person, every connection
Denying happiness to avoid rejection
To only bring upon yourself that rejection
Hating your own reflection
Staring at the mirror asking why
Why everyone you love has to die
Why everything you know will be irrelevant
Thoughts flowing in my head so unpleasant
Someday everything you worked for is gone
Someday on this earth you won’t belong
Man, it doesn’t even seem like it’ll be long
Who knows when our time will be gone
Do you ever think about our capability to think
Crazy how life can end in just a blink
Don’t think about why I’m thinking I just drink
Drink until I can’t think so I sit back and sink
Into a coma or into a chair
Either way it goes this life will never be fair
But I wake up everyday trying to try
Trying to avoid toxicity so I don’t have cry
Is there a difference between intoxication
And taking a life long vacation
Do you ever cry until you can’t form tears
Ask how you’ve let yourself waste these years
With fake people fake love and bad memories
Let’s have kids to carry on our tragic legacy
The human race should already be extinct
Remember when we all thought we’re unique
But nowadays everyone’s the same
And it’s getting kinda lame
Does anyone even think about anyone else
Feels like everyone only thinks about themself
So do you ever think
About what other people think
About how that’d make someone feel
I just wish that everyone was real
Do you ever ponder about life’s meaning
Besides all the sadness death and bleeding
The joy, the laughter, and even the love
Do you really think there’s a place up above
I hope there is, and I hope you made it

I’m tired of pushing and tearing myself down
I looked in the mirror and instantly had a frown
Everyone just watched as I started to drown
I got used to the idea of not being around
My last words should’ve just been goodbye
Why’d Miles, X and, Juice have to die
That’s three legends in just three years
Couldn’t even count the amount of tears
My last relationship messed me up the worst
I’d give anything to marry the girl from the first
Thought I needed love but it was just a hoax
Thought I needed your love but that was jokes
Because you were never actually down for me
Now I’m seeing flashbacks like I’ve got ptsd
All these deaths and I’m wondering who’s next
Really hope miles is up there chilling with X
I hope heavens real so I can see y’all again
Y’all brought me so much love but also pain
I miss you guys so much I wanna see you now
Id end my time here and see you if I knew how
My brother and my idols all gone without me
The other day I sat on the floor and slit quietly
I’m ready to let go
To go see my bro
I’m ready to start fresh
A life outside my flesh
I’m ready to go away
I just want to leave today
I’m ready to escape my past
I’m ready to write my last

I wish I had a prescription to your drug
I’d breeze through life like a shoulder shrug
Your love is a drug that id overdose on
When I’m feeling down it’d cheer me up a ton
I’d love to call you nicknames like my baby
Someday we could start a family maybe
You’d be the best doctor the world could offer
Our best times stored in a mental coffer
So baby give me a chance at a prescription
You could be my new favorite addiction
We’d rule the world, love being the novocaine
Your love has already taken most my pain
Been through a lot but with you I want more
Trapped inside your maze without an exit door
Honestly I don’t want to leave it feels amazing
This love is something I’ve been craving
When I’m all alone I take another dose
Baby you’re all I need please hold me close
I don’t want this to end
A helping hand I’ll always lend
To you, the most beautiful sight I’ve ever seen
To you, my gorgeous and mighty queen
I wanna be a part of your daily routine
I wanna be with you even after we’re eighteen
You’re my favorite star in this galaxy
And I think your drug is meant just for me

What’s the point of living my whole life’s a joke
Sit in my shower while I cry away and choke
I’m joking I smile and laugh all day long
I lied I can’t pretend that nothings wrong
I pat my own back and I hold my own hand
Loving me is something you won’t understand
All I want is love, hugs, honesty, and you
Hard to find peace like despicable me I’m Gru
I hate falling in love because it’s never real
It doesn’t help with the emptiness that I feel
But what if I actually found something true
Like a hopeful chance between me and you
Sometimes I wonder who would actually care
Like if you saw my name on the news up there
Depressed teenage kid finally commits suicide
I wonder who would actually care if I died
Everyone says I’m here for you I must be blind
I can never just kick back and unwind
It’s always something new every single day  
So I pretend I’m fine and soak in tears anyway
Thought I found love but it was just a mistake
I think about the pleasure of my life to take
Found happiness in some friends but I’m sad
What if I do something that makes them mad
What If they abandon me like everyone else
Will I be all alone when my heart melts
I got a few friends that I don’t wonder about
The ones I know love me inside and out
We’re all going through things yet I wonder
Can I make everyone happy like I ponder
Im crazy pulling my hair out as a stress reliever
Went from really religious to a non believer
That’s a whole topic that I’d rather just avoid
Can’t tell if they love me so now I’m paranoid
I’ve been broken for a long time yet I’m healing
Try to correct my errors to be more appealing
How can I make all their lives better
I wonder if she wrote me would I read her letter

Everyone has their own kind of therapy
I listen to music when nobody is there for me
People latch on others and become dependent
Absorbing life from someone, leaving a dent
But what happens when you’re that person
Helping others out while your life worsens
All you do is give and never bother to take
Your love is real but you only receive the fake
Grow tired of all the people on the earth
Confidence sinks now we question our worth
I want to get back into therapy again
Talk to Dr.Davis to take away all this pain
Sitting on his couch telling him all my problems
Having him around always seems to solve em
I don’t see him anymore and life changed a lot
Doing drugs alone passing out in a parking lot
Keep telling myself I shouldn’t do suicide
I’m breaking down at random straight horrified
What’s my replacement for therapy now
I want to be okay but I just don’t know how
Ever since it stopped my life’s is a rollercoaster
Going up and down until suddenly it’s all over
How do I stop feeling easily replaceable
How do I stop feeling like I’m incapable
Of feeling love and loving myself
Dr.Davis asked how do you feel about yourself
I stared at him with a blank expression
Thought back and looked at my progression
Trying to find words that share a connection
Think about all the things that need correction
How do I push through this depression
How do I answer Dr.Davis’s question
I think that I can get somewhere in life
I just gotta focus and keep doing what’s right
I just have to get through day and night
I just have to find the some possible way
Without therapy I won’t be okay
So I take drugs cut my wrist and drink nonstop
I’ll cry my eyes out until these thoughts drop
So I can smile and laugh and be loving
When is my next therapy session is coming

I wake up after sleeping the day away
I check to see what you all have to say
A couple of “I miss you”’s in my phone
There’s one that stands out on its own
Well, rather it’s an empty space
I feel the disappointment cover my face
I’m a walking corpse, nothing’s on the inside
Killing off all my feelings like a homicide
I’m breaking down and crying until I’m empty
Crying until there’s no more tears within me
What’s the point of having a trophy case
If you always finish in second place
I never told you but I printed out your pictures
We blended together like a perfect mixture
All our friends loved us being together
I should’ve known it wouldn’t last forever
So I drink in hopes of finally not feeling
But it just pushes my thoughts to the ceiling
Put a fake smile on my face for my mother
Keep a good attitude going for my lil brother
But when I’m on my own behind these walls
I feel the tears drip off my face as they fall
I cry every night like it’s some sort of protocol
I hover over your name whenever I want to call
Feel like laying down on a cooking grenade
Think I know every break up song ever made
People say I’ve changed and they’re right
It’s impossible to keep my eyes closed at night
I never text back and I lose interest quickly
“Forced idleness is a terrible thing” -Stan Lee
I agree with you Stan I just can’t help myself
Loving someone else is just pain in itself
Or just when that person doesn’t feel the same
Every since you left empty is what I’ve became

Up late at night, you slept through the day
Text her first but you don’t know what to say
You ask her dumb things to make conversation
She’s not like the rest of the population
Stuck because she actually showed you love
She gave you the faith in a place up above
All of that’s gone now and it’s just you and I
We’re 0-6 when it comes to attempts to die
But all we need is that lucky number one
Then maybe all of our suffering will be done
I hate the demon that lives inside my brain
The one who feeds me negativity due to pain
Look in a mirror and stare at myself in disgust
I don’t even see a person that I could trust
I don’t even know who I am anymore
Im drinking my life away behind a closed door
I cry at least four times a day and I’m sick
I mentally keep trying but it feels like a trick
So my only escape is through games and ****
Overthinking my life, wishing I wasn’t born
I’ve hurt so many people and I keep on going
Half the time I don’t even know what I’m doing
I have long hair to hide my insecurities
I can’t continue to spread this positivity
Truthfully I’ve given up multiple times
Why do I continue to write these rhymes
They used to help but now I’m just stuck
But I really think I’m running out of luck
I hate you, I hate him, and I hate myself
We’re all the same person, so we hate ourself

I have been through so much
I have had to skip dinner, breakfast and lunch
I have been outside drug dealing
I have been in stores sneaking and stealing
I have hurt a lot of people that I’ve met
I have fought because of a silly lost bet
I have been jumped, robbed, stabbed, and cut
I have had alcohol fill my inner gut
I have been through a lot of heartbreaks
I have made so many dumb mistakes
I wish things would’ve ended differently
I wish every text didn’t end in a rivalry
I wish I could put down all these drugs
I wish I could come see you and get your hugs
I wish I could take back the things I’ve done
I wish that I knew I wasn’t your only one
I wish my bro wasn’t constantly on the run
I wish he didn’t have to always carry that gun
I wish my brother didn’t get shot in the head
I wish it was me and not him who was dead
I wish I didn’t have to be on a wretched earth
I wish people didn’t try to tell me my worth
I wish my mom didn’t have to always stress
I wish I could wish just a little bit less
I will make my mother and brothers proud
I will play games in front of a gigantic crowd
I will make sure my friends and family are okay
I will be the reason that people want to stay
I will spread peace love and positivity
I will help out the world and not be a liability
I will find a beautiful girl to love and marry
I will love this girl and the children she’ll carry
I will start a loving and healthy family
I will be a better father than mine ever will be
I will love learn to forgive but not forget
I will buy my mom her first ever corvette
I will continue to try and help others
I will outgrow and beat all these suckers
I will love everyone including myself
I will repair everything I have left
I will

I live every day and night in constant fear
Not knowing if my death date is coming near
You can die at any given moment
You may not even know your opponent
Cancer, a knife, a bullet, or even a fire truck
You never know when you’re all out of luck
Knowing that anything can happen scares me
Don’t get mad because you and I disagree
We’re allowed to look at things differently
It’s a shame we can’t live coherently
I wish that we’d treat one another equally
Doesn’t matter if you’re gay or lesbian
Religious or atheist, black white or Asian
Race, gender, religion, thoughts and belief
The day we all love each other I can get relief
Im like all those superheroes without powers
Because I’ll try to help you for hours and hours
My problem is I care about things too much
It’s caused me to toss my feelings into a bunch
One second I’m happy then I’m sad or tired
Trying to make the world perfect isn’t required
My days of helping aren’t over I haven’t retired
The point of this is to help get you inspired
Make some new friends, or smile and say hi
A little extra kindness just to help make it by
Check on your old friends ask if they’re okay
Get out there, spread some positivity today
The truth is no one in this world is perfect
But that makes us human last time I checked

Girl, what happened to us
What happened to trust
To growing old together until we turned to dust
Was there any love or was it all just lust
You left and all my heart does is turn to rust
Tell me how I’m supposed to evolve and adjust
What happened to the good old days
You remember all those games we would play
Staying up til 6 am staring at your face
Back when my mind wasn’t a horrifying place
Torn apart but I continue to keep breathing
Because until my family does I’m not leaving
Every night it’s a serious struggle to fall asleep
Gods looking down like “this soul I can’t keep”
I’m too broken to be put in a “perfect home”
So I sit here and I ponder in my own dome
About all the promises you made to me
About all the talks of us having a family
Should’ve knew it was all another lie
Went from scared of death to wanting to die
Told me you loved me and kept me warm
Softening up my heart for the future harm
I put down my walls and I let you come inside
It’s all over and I can’t count the nights I cried
I don’t hate you and I will never be able to
I just want you to watch all the greatness I do
I want you to see me grow from nothing at all
Your kids asking to buy all my stuff at the mall
Everywhere you go you’re gonna see me
I bet then you’d try to say it’s meant to be
I’m so sick and tired of being your last option
Scared of being hurt I approach with caution
I’m so numb this pain doesn’t hurt anymore
Don’t love you or hate you I just gotta ignore
You hurt me so bad way beyond repair
You were one of the only ones who were there
Now everything’s gone like you disappeared
Showed me that I have to be more self aware
Taught me how some people only take
Thank you for being my favorite mistake

This poem is about my old best friend
Who was right next to me until the very end
He was a black and white dog we found astray
Even though you passed away
In my heart you will always be around to stay
I love you like a brother, I miss you everyday
Lady and omega were the best duo around
I can’t seem to forget that awful day I found
You paralyzed in my backyard unable to move
It didn’t occur to me what I was about to lose
My buddy, my pal, and my sweet little dude
The way you were taken from me was so rude
I still remember running home from school
Get back home and mess around with my fool
You had energy for weeks and I love you
I just wish I could’ve heard you say it too
Your fur was so soft and your heart was softer
I remember the day when you became a father
You became more aware and a lot more gentle
You still came over and gave my face a tickle
You knew how to cheer me up if I was down
And you never ever left me with a frown
I could hug you when I was scared and I would
I wish I had more time, I’d go back if I could
Feel like everything was fine, fall asleep
I would pray to god for our souls he’d keep
But you’re gone now and all I have is azure
So with her through all this pain we will endure
Promise that I never let anything happen to her
You would’ve loved her she’s like her mother
You’re gone but never forgotten
As long as I have azure my heart wont rotten
Every time I look at her I think about omega
I love you buddy always and forever <3

In my state of mind I find myself dead
Put me on my knees and fill my head with lead
No I’m not talking bullets I’m talking chemicals
Experiment in my head and watch it explode
I’m my state of mind I’m just another mode
For you to try when you’re bored and all alone
Help end this nightmare for this isn’t my home
I’m stuck in a maze and everyday it changes
I see an exit but it’s always at extreme ranges
So why even bother when every step hurts
I’d die before I got there so bring me a hearse
Because In my state of.. huh where’d that go
Oops give me a sec I think it went really low
I knew I should’ve locked it up sometime ago
My heart hurts my brain and it starts to show
So my mind likes to wander to escape the pain
It’s usually out somewhere out in the rain
Trying to trash the thoughts and feelings
Casting out all of my evil villains
I like my mind it helps me.. oh there you are
It created its own little Hollywood Boulevard
With everyone that hurt me as the big stars
Look there goes me trying to solve everything
There goes me throwing away a wedding ring
There goes me crying and overthinking
I’m by myself in a corner with no sympathy
And here comes everyone else to yell at me
“You weren’t enough and you never will be”
I don’t think you guys should watch anymore
Come over here and let’s go through this door
Welcome to the land of Gabe’s make believe
Where love and positivity just grows on a tree
Oh hey you shut that door please
If something got into here it could be a disease
Everything beyond that door is evil and dark
So let’s just start and play with this tree bark
Because in my state of mind everything’s okay
I just wish you could all stick around and play
It’s about that time again for you guys to go
It’s better for you not to see what I know
I mean hey everything’s alright around here
Just carefully exit out of that door over there
GOODBYE

Wake up next to you in our own bed
I couldn’t picture anyone else in my head
Wouldn’t want anyone else instead
I’ll love you before and after we’re dead
When I’m all alone and it feels like it’s only me
I see you and smile, for your love is my therapy
I could be broke down and crying on my knees
It’s like your love is the cure to my disease
I’ve been stuck with depression most my life
But that all changes when I see you as my wife
You say you aren’t perfect but that’s all I see
Everything about you is how it’s meant to be
You’ve got these beautiful eyes and smile
I’d go ever farther than the extra mile
To hear you laugh and make you go crazy
I’d even be here on the days where you’re lazy
Bring you breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed
Lay down and talk about the book you read
I can’t wait to laugh, argue, and love with you
I’ll be right here when you’re feeling a bit blue
We can go hiking in the big old mountains or
We can go on walks along the shallow shore
We can go to a scary park and get a scare
Or we can stay at home and I’ll do your hair
We can go bowling even though I **** at it
Or we can play laser tag where I’ll get every hit
We can stay inside and snuggle real close
Talk about children and see how that goes
I’m so happy that it was me that you chose
I’ll bring you chocolate with a big red rose
And when you aren’t expecting it I’ll propose
I want to make you the happiest girl alive
But first in my life you have to arrive

You ask if I’m okay I say I am but I’m really not
For I have a grave inside my head where I rot
I’m fine, I’ll be okay, I’ve been stopped crying
I’m so sick and tired of doing all this lying
I need help but I’m too afraid to admit it
Feel pain just to know it’s real like a wrist slit
Sometimes I wonder if you’re even real
Sometimes it’s better to not even feel
I’m sick and I’m tired of breathing all this air
I try so hard to be there but it isn’t fair
You’re a virus in my mind and I’m corrupted
I try to run away but my brain is being hunted
My heart is so confused and all It wants is you
Yeah I made mistakes but it was only a few
I lost everything the day you walked out
I don’t even know what I’m tripping about
Knew it wouldn’t work but we did it anyway
And you know I’m down to do it again any day
Who knows maybe the 30th times the charm
Who knows maybe one day we’ll do no harm
My heart and my mind are having a civil war
I don’t know why I can’t control this anymore
I love it when you say you hate me say it again
I’ll only ever want you as more than a friend
I know you’ll only see me as nothing but an ex
I hate to admit it but I still look at our old text
And I really should move on and go to the next
I guess you’ll never feel the same about me
I hate that you’re the stems to my broken tree

This part is about a loser named Henry
It’s a shame that hearing that name
Doesn’t bring up a single good memory
Coke addict, acting like life’s a game
You put us all through so much pain
Supposed to be my father bruh you so lame
Forget about us or just too much *******
Looking around you’re not in any picture frame
Now that I think about it I wouldn’t want that
Even if you were here for me you’d hurt her
Feel like bashing your skull with a baseball bat
Never going back to the way things were
Brought me into this world and left me alone
Cheated on my momma and let our world burn
A few days ago you called my moms phone
Such a disappointment that you never learn
Guess you’ll always be this pathetic
Now we’re supposed to just forgive you for it
Hate to break it to you it isn’t that poetic
I don’t want you in my life not the slightest bit
Not even gonna keep wasting my time writing
Don’t even try to come back for real just quit
Wish I could say I love you but I’d be lying
Part two is about a “man” named Sean
Took over from Henry’s spot but still did wrong
Any respect I had for you is permanently gone
Nostrils so big you remind me of King Kong
Sure you and I had some really good times
But that doesn’t make what you did to us right
Arrested so much for all of those stupid crimes
Hurt mom because you couldn’t win a fair fight
Never were around for one of my birthdays
To busy cheating on my mom and using us
You weren’t the same man on the first days
Said you wanna talk so let’s start to discuss
Why weren’t you there for all my big moments
Promised us love and gave us all poison
Abused my family like we were your opponents
A no brainer on why you’re always in prison
You once sat me and asked shoot or salute me
I really thought about what I would say
So this is the place where I let my mind free
Now that I think about it I’d shoot you all day
Before I start part three I wanna say thanks
Thank you to all good fathers out there
Showing love to their kids unlike these cranks
Dave, Llama, Mike, and even you Breeze
Thank you for being my closest father figures
Thank you for making my life a bit more easy
Now this is where the poem transfigures
Part three is about a man called Apa
I’m really happy you’re in my life now
Even if I’m too old to call you papa
Make my momma smile and I don’t know how
But it makes me smile when I see y’all together
You changed her life forever and we need you
Been here a few months but it’s already better
Already doing better than the last few
You went from a twig to a sumo wrestler
Hope you stick around for a while and do good
For my mother and us you’re a nestler
Help take us away from the ghetto hood
You bring us all laughs and smiles
With those corny jokes and those stupid looks
Your jokes could make us all laugh for miles
I know you’ve had hard out there like crooks
And I can tell you’re trying to get better
I appreciate all you’ve done for our family
So I hope we don’t end this on a hate letter
I’m glad I can finally say this happily
Happy Father’s Day