I think I was thirteen
when I shipped myself out
to the sea of solitude
since then I've tried rowing
back to shore but
currents of discontent
are hard to fight
inevitably I gave in
to the candy-coated
pills and powders
and the minty fresh breath
of men lurking in corners
almost as sweet as sanity
eventually I overdosed on emotions
but I was only trying
to rid myself of feeling
since I was never good
at walking on the tightrope
between wanting and reality
at this point I don't know
who to apologize to
since Hallmark doesn't have cards
for sincere self loathing

it's just that
some days it's really hard
to keep your voice even
when your mother asks
if you're slipping

I actually found someone I prefer more than
The xan
I would rather remember the time I spend on him
I want to feel every touch and breath he gives me
He addicts me more than
This xan
When I’m incoherent and don’t understand the world for a few hours
When I’m so weak
And so useless
So dumb
He keeps the danger away and I’m safe in his arms and
The xan never gave a **** about me
It made me stop thinking
But it also made me stop caring
About everything and everyone
But him
He was stronger than
The xan
He never ruined me
And the xan sure did
I can turn away from it now
But him, I can’t
I used to dance with little white, yellow, and green bars in my butterfly filled stomach
Until I lost my balance and
That xan
Did me so wrong
But he
Only wanted to help and I fell in love with that
In love with him
His
I didn’t want to belong to the xan
I wanted to die by the xan
Except now, he made me love this life
Made me realize that I can
Without the xan
My boyfriend tastes better
Makes me feel better
Takes care of me better
Than
Any kind of xan I
Could ever find

In the August of 2013, my therapist taught me how to feel pain.

She sat me down on her couch, put her hands around her knees,
And said that I was ready to learn about the juxtaposition of love and self-degeneration.
She recited to me as I was perfectly amended, and wrote down a scripture on the walls
As I watched from her susceptible whole-draining couch.

I began to litter my mind with an effervescence as she talked,
I pleaded and broke my solar plexus to let it shine within me as she spoke fluently about where I will be in times of darker days.
I listened, and let cognizant dissonance transform into regular dissonance,
As we feuded over some emotions that she claimed to know better than I did.
When the dissension was destroyed with my evenly wild dismantled separation from depersonalization and reality,
She stopped scribbling in her book and looked me straight in the eye.

She asked me how I felt and I told her that I did not.
I told her that I am a vessel for the supremacy of a mind that looks at prominent self-worth
the same way it looks at the particles underneath a shoe or the water at the bottom of an under-gated puddle. I told her that I have never opened my eyes since my father figure transformed into the door I used to hide away the tears of the woman who raised me up. I told her that I am a conundrum with a voice that is shadowed by the memories I witness and replay over and over again but have never actually ...really...experienced.
She looked at me like she expected to hear every word that came out of my mouth.
She was more a carnivore in my eyes, and by the time I realized how much an allure surrounded my depositing of impressions into this woman's central nervous system,
I was already telling myself that I have never really needed sanity.

She professed that the boundaries of my life were created by an inner turmoil,
And I would notice its symptoms and prognosis if I would just open my eyes to its horrifying truth.
By the time the room was filled with lies, I had already told enough truths to let her believe that assistance and recovery were the things I came into the room for.
She told me that I was a functional disorder, and I told her that that was patronization.
At the end of the session, we both seemed to feel equal over the fate of a sequel to a previous encounter with our regular conversational dissonance...
She gave me a piece of paper.
And it became a burden.
With a despondency I created out of her bickering and my dejected submission,
She ended the session and let the emotion run free from the tone of voice she used to impractically aid me.
I picked up the paper and picked up my serenity and created more demons out of the gracefulness inside of me,
"Open your eyes, Mzwandile."
I casted hope upon my pocket, crumpled it up until it meant as much as it usually did,
and exited the room with a prescription for a new life.

I fell in love,
when I was about fourteen
with narcotics

****, pills, coke, lean
LSD and ecstasy
DMT and Ketamine

I love it all

Sobriety is a struggle
Because I don't know how to cope
If I can't get high,
I'm searching for the rope
To tie around my neck
and jump
to a short drop
With a sudden stop
Because I have to deal with everything
Or anything,
at all

I can't do that...
I'm not like you
I can't look past the rain clouds in my way
To get a little better view
The view has to be skewed
By acid or a mushroom
Or two, or three
maybe a few hits of DMT,
Then those clouds will move,
Maybe the world will gimme a little breathin room

I'm not even a addict
To one particular vice
I'm just an addict
For the vice of the night

what am I gonna smoke?
What am I gonna snort?
What will bring me back up
To where I was before?

I can't handle sober
It's just not in my genes
I rely on all these drugs
To make me feel like me

But you wouldn't understand
Your probably 30 years old with a 10 year plan
you're a family man, got a wife and two sons
Reading this saying "I hope they don't end up like this one"
Cause you know what?

I really don't either
I failed chemistry
But I can turn brake fluid
Into Ether

And that should tell you something
When I started this, I didn't know
About the bad world coming

Now I'm stuck so deep in this hole
I can't climb out, cause there's no hand-hold
I don't think there's a long enough pole
To reach down to the bottom and touch my soul

Now I just keep digging my self deeper
I found my love, and I know she's a keeper
But what's to keep her from leaving me?
I'm going nowhere fast and it's plain to see
Sometimes I just wanna die,
Hope a car jumps out in front of me
then I can die peacefully
Like I've always wanted,
I've put a gun to my head,
But can't pull the trigger
I'm just to cowardly...

I want to die
I want to die right now
With a rag over my face
Inhaling all the toxic chemicals
Kids found out about on Myspace
In my place,
Just my, my self, and I
Layin all up on my counter space

and I slip away

You’re becoming like nicotine
Yes, you’re like a drug to me-
Morphine,
******,
Ketamine,
All of these.
You’ve become my only source of joy,
I’m addicted to you boy.
I want to see you,
Touch you
And play with you like my toy.
I’m getting crazy over you,
Soon I’ll be sadly in love with you
And I will stick to you like glue.
You’ve taught me how to laugh and smile,
Because I haven’t in a while.
You’re always at the forefront of my mind:
“Where is he?”, “What’s he doing ?”, “Is he alright?”
You’ve
     Opened up my
     Delicate
     Heart.
Boy, you’re my
   Only
   Daily source of
   Happiness.
You’ll be my Obritine
And I’ll be your Hasitine.
Let’s get high off each other.

The gloy of the better men
Enjoy a line of ketamine

Gotta love that dreamy haze
Inside your mind like a maze

I could stay here for days and day
I love the feeling,in so many ways

Its pure bliss to tranquilize
To see so much without your eyes

Forget what I do despise
From fear and doubt to the lies

Warriors of a dreamscape plane
Enjoying life outside time frame

Don't worry,I won't go insane
But I may melt more than half my brain

I woke in the night air,
Damp from the grass, stale breath and smoggy eyed
You played with my hair as it turned from green to blue and back
And I held your paper skin in my palm, as familiar as a lighter
The air smelled of weeks ago, of dust
I had to leave in my tracks, violets grew where I stepped away
You curled into them and I wished you a rainstorm
Recovering my jacket from where we'd tossed it,
And your favorite necklace
When the veil lifts again, you'll think you might have lost it
I'm a walking dream, crisscrossing lines of red from every toy
I discard in the real world,
It's miles to the Ocean
Counting every block
I am noiseless and vapid, listless, light
You may be waking up tonight,
Wondering where your blanket went,
Wondering who left the kiss marks on your hips
This is all I leave you, the aggravating half-memories
A trilling laugh, a groan, a caress
As the waves guide me out
And the lights lead me down
I am home in the silt beneath your feet,
And my disregard as deep.