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Sin
Kaitland May 2021
Sin
I don’t know what to do
Change my mind, I can’t decide
Should I quit? with a single slit
All these outcomes seem so bitter
You see it’s more than me against the tide
It’s Burnt inside, on my mind
To bestow my will and make me ill
Bring into me until I see a lighter hue
I do diffuse my blue onto you
But to myself it makes it better
Kaitland Apr 2021
The goal is to build 4 walls
Decorate it with nonsense
Find someone to accompany basic tasks
Until you cannot sleep alone
Or Think as an individual
Freedom becomes a punishment
Hate. resent. resign
Make a copy
So they can finish the task for you
Or find the plot you’ve lost so long ago
Build up those 4 walls
Decorated with nonsense
To distract that it’s a cage
Kaitland Apr 2021
And now things really are scary
I’m off drugs
I sleep
I’m eating what I want (mostly)
I’m 101 pounds
My body has stopped repairing itself
I’m cut up like tiger stripes
The sight of red and subtle sting has yet to fail as a quick relief yet
I consider killing myself on a very true, inner and curious level
I am not whole, just fragments of a girl no longer able to play the part
My thoughts turn and twirl, colliding and overlapping like the oceans waves in the thick of a storm.
Forgetfully mistaking actions of love and support for jabs in my sinking heart
For you are my enemy or I cannot even see you. I am combat ready. My mind has shut me out, slammed the door and turned the key. I am alone.
Thick fog fills my mind
It is too loud, too bright, too much
Somebody is screaming and sobbing
It might be me. I do not understand.
Maybe my weight has gotten too low?
The tight wraps of my mental illness
So long untreated is finally opening up and swallowing me whole
I realize as I’m sure Alice must have too
I’ve strayed so far from home
It would be easier to die than find my way back.
Kaitland Dec 2020
I’m trapped inside my mind
Locked the door and through out the key
Now the pitch black night is my only company
I pass the days in solitude
Watch the busy world buzz by
I see Happy people walking &
I wonder what there lives are like?
How they are so different from mine
What happened long ago to me
To end up in such tragedy
Kaitland Dec 2020
Winter comes each year with a promise of chaos. Like clockwork I cannot stop it. My mind grows darker and my vision fads till all the worlds a dim lit gray. As a child I recall telling my parents I saw in black and white. Assured themselves I was lying. An exaggeration perhaps, but a lie? No.
October ends and the little things I can control are now controlling me. Like an old marionette doll on fraying strings. By December I’m peering up beneath the water. My reality now darker, like twisted, tangled hair that falls off in large clumps and clog my memory. I forget how to sleep, I no longer recognize my reflection. I’m something different? Pale, tall, sometimes bigger but mostly too small. My bones poke and protrude through my skin, my hips have turned to hooks whose only job is to hold up my *******. I’ve gone mad again. It happens every year as far back as I remember. Just don’t leave me here in the icy heart of December.
Kaitland Jan 2021
I wonder what happens when I close my eyes for the last time? Will thick fog fill the room? curiously Will I walk hand in hand with the reaper, through twisted gardens of flowers wet with due. Drop off gray lit roses at my tomb? Will soft dim lights of crimson blue greet the nighttime hue. You’re arms may be stretched out to me and home I’ll be. Such surprises await me when I finally close my eyes. I can’t wait for my last time.
Kaitland Dec 2020
I’m broken
For me all hope is lost
Everyone has forgot
I’m the rain cloud that hovers near by
Nobody questions or wonders why
Other people don’t want me near
They hate the rain, I understand why.
Kaitland May 2021
There was a moment
During my life
I can almost pin point it down
See though clean
On the edge of my seat
I hang on to my chair
The room goes silent
Bracing myself for the monster
To jump out from the darkness
And grab the idiot walking towards it
I want to scream
“Turn back! The monster is in there! He will grab you and take you away”
It Turned out I was the idiot
Walking willingly towards the darkest corners where the light never reaches
But I was not grabbed, the monster was not large and scary
So I took its hand and we walked together
Still Sometimes now I want to point my fingers accusingly “Look what they did to me” I’d holler! They are to blame! But there is nobody to blame because the monster who grabbed me and took me and made me something horrible from which there will be no return
Was essentially.......me.
Kaitland Dec 2020
I have become so bitter
From having no ones arms in which to fall
When my mind is eating me alive
They say it’s better to have loved and lost
I disagree with this strongly
Kaitland Dec 2020
Lithium, light boxes, little pills for this and that. I’m sitting here in total fear, is anything gonna work? Pay me this, it costs that much. I was once told happiness is free. How do I satiate the demon inside who wants to **** me. How do I lull him, hold him, suduce him? He never sleeps. The pills don’t feel good anymore, I’ve cut too much and now I’m sore. Starving worked but it’s hard to start. There’s nothing left, I’m torn apart.
Kaitland Dec 2020
I am the mad hatter
I am the red queen
Im scared sobbing Alice
And everything in between
The smoking caterpillar blinds my way with haze And the Cheshire Cat has dissipated to an upsides down grin that slips away and Is nothing more than a sliver of a dim lit crescent moon
Now Surrounded by darkness
And flowers that bite at my ankles
will the jabberwocky destroy me?
Kaitland Dec 2020
It’s the middle of December
When my sanity recoils
Like a serpent in a startle
I can’t get my balance right
Threw all my marbles in the fight
I have only one emotion
Careless fear of depth and devotion
Never seem to get things right
Me and my mind in constant fight
There are only a few to remember
Long ago years that went a bit better
In disbelief they’ll come again
I’ve met my fate until the end
A sliver of hope ill find my way back
Maybe in April, when my thoughts aren’t black.
Kaitland Dec 2020
What’s the difference between
a bridge & a wall?
If your asking me there is no difference at all
I’m running up and down in my mind
Searching for something new to find
There’s nothing here to thrill me or pick me up .So I run up & down that hill
I turn it on and off at will
But if you’ve got no other choice
You know you can follow my voice
Though the dark turns and noise
In this wicked litte town

— The End —