Today is the beginning of two weeks apart from you.
All the times I've said I love you, I'm still afraid it's true.
Still, after all the times, I've said it, it still feels wrong.
2 weeks has never seemed so long.
I remember yesterday. I woke up early, and panicking, and feeling guilty again. I kept you up again, sitting in your car and crying hard.
But in the morning sun, it didn't seem so bad.
It took you an hour to get out of bed, an hour of hand holding and talking about feelings.
You got out of bed and got onto me.
We sat on your floor, me holding you, you holding me.
It took another hour and a half for either of us to start the day.
I knew you were leaving then. I told you that you needed to leave when you wanted me to tell you to stay.
You need to go.
I need to stay.
we need to stop needing each other.
2 weeks has never seemed so long.
2 weeks for something to go wrong.
I love you, and you say you love me.
You don't want me to be in love with you. the reason you trust me is because you believe I'm not.
You and I both know I am. I hate that I feel that way. I wish it wasn't the truth.
I love you enough that I love you, without being in love.
It doesn't make sense to me. but it does to you.
I wish I didn't feel so bad, even after all we've been through.
2 weeks apart, and I hope I'll stop being in love with you.

You were a great guy
A kind and happy man
I never had a bad experience with you
Your death broke me.
I didn’t know you that well.
I thought I didn’t care.
I cried about you.
I hadn’t cried in a very long time.
You died, and I was upset about me.
I couldn’t face that.
I still can’t.
I couldn’t go to the memorial.
I couldn’t look at the remnants of your life,
I couldn’t be there, with all of our class mates. I couldn’t let it be about me.
I skipped your funeral because I’m still scared.
I can’t say you were ok with how you died.
I’m not.
To my dead friend,
I’m sorry.

It was a long day.
It did not start well.
When the clock struck midnight, we were sitting in the cold, dark parking lot.
I remember looking st you when the lights from the field went out.
As the bulbs faded and the dark crept in I could see you better than before. I didn’t need to see your face to know what to say. I cried. We’ve both cried in your car. But never over something that hadn’t happened yet. I cried because I was scared. Part of me knew for a long time.
Part of me knew what would happen.
Both parts were scared.
I love you.
I said that. With tears running down my face, I rambled on. I didn’t know why or how I felt that way. Why I was bad for feeling that way. That I was bad for telling you. That it was wrong for me to love the one person who has cared enough about me to sit down and let me sob uncontrollably into your arm.
I know how uncomfortable I made you.
I still don’t know why you didn’t leave me then.
Instead you told me bluntly and straightforwardly, that you didn’t understand. I didn’t understand. I still don’t.  You
After all I’ve done to you
Held me.
You held me when all I wanted to do was to run away. You told me not to run away.
For the first time I decided to stay. I went to bed. So did you.
I woke up hating what I did more than before. You won’t let me apologize.
Why can’t I be sorry for loving you
I don’t want to love you.
My best friend. I’m sorry.
I ran to you again.
I ended up in your arms again.
The only place I want to be.
The place I know I shouldn’t be.
We left. You took us away.
We drove for hours.
Now I’m facing my problems head on.
I can’t run away now.
I want to be in your arms again now.
I love you
I hate that I do.
I’m sorry

Doubt and fear.
Regardless of what I say its the only thing I hear.
I'm afraid of so much, and I doubt everything I feel.
I can't convince myself anything is real.
It doesn't matter.
Today is a new day. Hopefully the first in a long line of "new days"
Because I am trying to change from my "old ways".
It doesn't matter.
I need to do things, and accept the facts.
I cant be scared anymore. Its not wrong for me to feel the way I do.
I cant run anymore. I feel, and I hate it.
I don't need anyone, but it's okay that I do. I can be better.
I said "I love you", I said I didn't know what it meant, and that I regret saying it.
I don't.
I knew what it means, I know what it means to me at least. It's the one thing I know, because of that, I can stop running and hiding. I have something to fight for. I am sorry that the thing I cling to is you.
I cried in your car. In the freezing cold parking lot, as the stadium lights faded to black you cried back.
I'm sorry it had to be you.
But its the one thing I know is true.
I love you.
Its the end of the month, and its okay for me to love you.

There is not a good way to die.
Regardless of the life they lead
There is no good way to die.
You spent your life seeking what’s best
Now you are gone.
What you’ve done is leave the rest
To try and just move on.
People say that it’s okay to be sad and upset
To me it feels that they are just looking to forget.
You were here and now you’re not, the presence leaves a whole. Where there was once a vibrant life, there is not even a soul.
I may be dumb, I may be naive, I may just be an ***.
But to me it seems their is no good way to pass.
There is not a good way, because there is always someone left behind.