I never expected you to hurt me
I thought I was cutting off the lust
And the impractical
To feel something real

But I was never ever good enough to you

I reached my hand out to you
And I was terrified
You could see it in my eyes
“You’re done with me”
No I say, I’m just afraid


Afraid of what?
You are bewildered
I take a pause and say
Your desire for me.

Because what men desire
They take.

I used to think I would never fall in love
But after him all I do is fall in love
Over and over
But I never let anyone feel secure enough to love me back.

I fall in love again and again and again
In silent torture

Smoke curls
Prison soap
Jameson

Eyes nose throat

Shut
Wide
Squeezed

Eyes nose throat

If it were one of the girls
I would tell them to run
Why do I not think I’m good enough to run

It’s in the good morning texts
And the look of pain when he smacks my ***
The way you tease me about Joanne
And spray cologne to visit me on a Sunday afternoon.

It’s in the way you stroke the crest where scalp meets face
Brushing my hair behind my ears
And then stroke where legs meet hips
Making my toes curl and back arch

I love you.