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Hannah Oct 2017
These dark sounding piano keys can play so loud in my ears but not loud enough, the crackling chip bag of you is too much, it's unbearable.
I swim deeper down until I can graze my palms against the smooth sand but I still fill your hot sun on my back, burning me, how terrible.
I make poutpurri petals and push your pungent smell out of my room and I spray Miss Dior and mist Dior until I can't breathe but you're underlying.
I inject myself with vitamins and visit every doctor and demand they help me, it's physical pain not mental, but they can't help me, so I'm dying.
This isn't really something I'm feeling but it's something I've felt
Hannah Oct 2017
With all of my might I sit here,
My head seeming disjointed and the coffee not kicking in.
We fought last night,
We made up, but I still don't think it's enough.

I could bring it up.
I could say I don't feel forgiven, and I still don't forgive.
I could tell you how I felt this morning,
But perhaps we would just relive.
I feel this a lot
Hannah Sep 2017
I haul myself into the colors I mix,
Ochre Yellow, Windsor Yellow, Windsor Red,
And for then, I'm not concerned with my concernments,
Instead
I just,
Forget.

I type name after name into an Excel sheet,
Nina, Alexa, Nathaniel, Joe,
It's mind-numbing, I know,
Although,
I just,
Let go.

I read 60 pages in an hour,
A page passes with a minute,
And within none of those I was sad, I did it,
I admit,
I just,
Submit.
Hannah Sep 2017
I left
I miss you most
Don't forget
To keep me close

I can call my mom
I can text my friends
They keep me calm
But when it comes to myself, what can I send?

A thought?
A word?
I'd rather not get caught
And look absolutely absurd

I miss you most at night
Not your being, you're here
But you aren't acting the way you used to, no not quite
I keep worrying that you'll disappear
I feel like I don't know myself now that I'm alone in college
Hannah Sep 2017
I lay here, confused about where I am
I feel my body and I feel my skin
But it's this unnerving feeling I keep seeming to get
I don't know it yet.

And I ensile other thoughts, knowing what you need
I ask and answer anything
I feel so disconnected to who I am
I don't know who, and I definitely don't understand.

I ask you so many times how I can
Alleviate this pain, don't ask me how I am
I cannot answer, if I don't know
How do we seem so disconnected, two days ago we were so close.

You think I'm causing trouble
I would know when I am
I'm causing it to myself and my mind
I feel a sense of being snubbed, who knows why?

It's that frustration that I can't get to go
It's that feeling of failing but underserving, never saying no
Mistrusted, misrepresented, misunderstood by myself
That's what I am.
Hannah Aug 2017
It's not easy
It's not the worst
I'll see you in a few days,
But until then, it hurts.
I miss you when I'm happy
I miss you when I'm not
I miss you, I love you
I can't wait to see you, I love you
I miss my man at school :(
Hannah Aug 2017
It seems every few hours I picture the same thing
We are sitting at a table in an adorable cafè,
Holding hands across the table, knocking a croissant, and I say,
"There's nowhere I'd rather be than here."
And you say nothing, and that's all I want to hear.
There's such a beauty in being in your presence, I hope I am beautiful too.
I love you, and we enjoy every moment knowing we are overspending, and we don't regret it.
So yes, I'm in bed and it's still summer time, but I know that we will go there, and just like now, you'll be mine.
I want to take my boyfriend to Laduree in soho and I can't wait, so I keep thinking about it
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