I remember that what I held in my eyes were dreams and stars and in my hands were the pens with six colors and bottle cap shots

Now in my eyes is the pain that came with growing up and in my hands shots to forget

I remember when all the worries were of who had cooties and who had a crush on me

Now its about who wants to **** me and who wants to drug me

It used to be king of the castle and blanket forts

Now it's cigarettes and ***

It was play dates and playgrounds and crayola markers making rainbows on the page

Now it bed sheets and lights off and silver markers that draw red lines on skin like paper

It was coloring inside the lines and playing nice

Now its late assignments and bullying

It was can't wait to see and have a good day

Now it's ******* later and go cut yourself

It was juice boxes and lunchables

Now it's ***** and starving

I miss the old me, when my friends still loved me, when I didn't feel like cutting myself up and drowning my problems in alcohol and pills. I wish I was drunk on my youth not my dads whisky every night.

Sitting in this class I feel as though I am wasting away with my thoughts costantly banging inside my head wanting to be free

I am drwonging in my own mind with these thoughts like an angry god stirring the ocean of my happines and peace

The god is drowning me and I am reaching twords the surface gasping for air but the techer drones on while I sit there seamingly bord

Inside my own head is a battle raging my fear a lonly worrior fighting for a place in my mind my anxity is an army of hate

My deppression is the godess of death with her staring eyes and mind breaking words

The techer continues to with the lesson, the lesson that in my mind is the thing fuling the flames of my anger and pain

The kids laugh while I walk by, I am invisible to everyone unless they want to bully me

The kids are the mosters and I am the monster hunter who lost their wepon and is fighting a onesided battle

My words are the double edged sword that while slicing down my enemys are cutting words in to my own skin

The teachers are the evil overlords I must defeat but this not a real fight this is just a normal day

That bag I wear on my back, no not the backpack, the depression and my thoughts make it impossible to run after my target

It is heavy and the sword I cary so bravly is dulling with every slice it takes of my enmeys and myself

I am waering the aroumr that protects my mind from the stress that is school that is the kids that is my deppression and my parents and my thoughts

I am carring a sword that is dull but looks sharp so no one thinks to ask if it is sharp enough or offer to help when they see me loosing my battles

I am have been shot down and stood back up when no one thought I would The teachers they act as though they care

The teachers are the traitors that are pretending to be on your side when in reality they are serving the my angry god just to tick off another curriculum box

That is my battle not one of bloodshed though it is and not one of physical but mental

I see my life as a novle that I am wirting but I am the villian and hero and lost soul, I am everything and nothing

If I see my life as a battle it is easier to face than if I see it as reality, in my mind I have superpowers and I am the greatest sword master though a clumsy one I will admit

We all mess up but if I mess up thats just one more thing my angry god can use against me

I am loosing to my angry god
;

Hidden

I was sheltered all my life.
But then I went to school
I made friends who stabbed me in the back
I learned what pain was
I learned what it was to be bullied
I learned what it was to hide
I learned that when they walk by to sink into the shadows

1st grade
Laughing and joking
Playing and carefree
Friends and playdates
Sleepovers and games

2nd grade
Sitting in silence
Looking at the front board
Some friends who ignored me
Lonely and anxious

3rd grade
Hurt and alone
I don’t even remember
3rd grade was lost in my mind
No friends
And failing hard

4th grade
Alone
Empty
Cold
Feeling wrong
No real friends

5th grade
Trying to fit in
Bullied
Hiding in the bathroom
Crying at recess


6th grade
Fell in love
She hated me
Was bullied more for liking someone that was not who I should like
Hid my feelings
Hid in the shadows
Alone

7th grade
A new friend
Happier
Still bullied
Still sad
Not feeling right in my body

8th grade
Cut my hair
Came out to family
Got a girlfriend
Had two amazing friends
But I was cut
I was broken

Hide in the shadows
Don’t let them see you
Don’t wear short sleeves
Pick up that pice of glass
Burry the blade in my arm
Hurry to the emergency room
Put on suicide watch

Three months later
Eat a peanut that you know your allergic to
Rushed to the emergency room again
Put on an IV for 3 days
Let out
Feeling numb
Cuts slowly grow deeper and deeper

Two months later
Not at school
Won’t answer phone
Friends worried
Still feeling empty

Goes to school
Gets put on watch from resource officer
Feels alone
Can’t breath
Panic attacks in P.E.
Catches feelings for your best friend

School gets canceled due to COVID
Fails all classes 4th quarter
Falls into deep depression
Has mantle break downs
Panic attacks daily
Family downgrades feelings

Summer of 8th grade going into highschool
Starts drinking a lot
Makes it 3 months clean
Not a day clean in August
Cuts get slowly worse, more, and deeper
Breaks up with boyfriend
School starts
Becomes your best friends boyfriend
Comes to school high or drunk
Scares girlfriend

Stressed out and alone
Confused

Waiting to see what happens the rest of the year