We're going to need lawyers
all of us
everyone hates everyone
and there's going to be lawsuits
and paternity suits
wear your grey suit.
best tie

walk tall into the courtroom and then leave.
disheveled, with your hands behind your back
and a police escort
and never walk again

When I eat apples, pears, I eat the cores,
I know the pips have cyanide
when I was a kid I planted an apple seed
expecting it to grow
in the hard red acid of my island
only leave the stem
**** on the pits of cherries,
peaches,
plums, for hours.
These I planted too
I know the pips have cyanide
Kiwi fruit don't get peeled.
Bitten in half, fur and all.
I don't have the time
or the patience
I read that bananas
are guilt free
because their carbon footprint is minuscule
these things
consumables
aren't from here
can't grow here
all better traveled
than I am.

Whatever you do don't run.
There's too many walls at the end of all the twists and turns
if you run, you'll strike one,
full in the face
and split your lip wide
opening up the middle of your head
to scrutiny by the humpty-dumpty road crew
and eggheads and horses don't really want to know whats going on
inside that brain of yours
now do they?
So don't run
walk slowly. Deliberately.
Sloppy.

Youth hasn't fled, it’s just passed down
As the weight of the world pushes on us, shrinking our discs
And the sound of crashing, crushing waves washing over
Stones rounded by millions of years
From the seabed, from the tilted pool bottom
Staring up at the world passing by, murkily

Are they talking to me? Talking about us?
Though I strain and strain to believe
I just can’t tell, it’s too far to see
Waking with a start, cold ichorous blood
Chilled to the bone, seeing vermilion

That first desperate breath filling the lungs
With iron laden tongue
Sanguine tasting mouth
I've read that we are motivated to live to find out what happens
How does the story end?

Ashing on the pain, wonder if I lost my way?
Check in with me when you can sweetheart
You’re beautiful and people love you
Try not to see things in terms of pain
You think you've caused others – your family, you said
That’s not why we are here
People are in our lives because we care about them
It’s about helping each other to be who we want to be, as best we can

People aren't meant to be weighed and measured
Which sometimes doesn't mean much, I know
But what scares me most about giving up is then
I won’t know what happens tomorrow
I think “what if?”
And luckily often I start to imagine things that I could miss
Things I want, things I deserve

Weird that only in desperation does that become salient enough to register
Whether we believe it or not, usually we all have those little dreams
Bits of hope buried deep down
That if uncovered can keep us afloat just a little longer

Ever if things are truly black
I just hope you’re okay
And I really want you to stay
Even if it is just a little longer
Let me know you’re there, safe

I’ve a general practitioner, a psychiatrist and a psychologist
(who’s leaving but I’ll panic about that later)

I’m on 4 different psych meds

Adderall, XR 25mg P.O.
(So I can be motivated, focus and concentrate), Daily

Klonopin, 0.5mg P.O.
(For panic attacks, social anxiety, generalized anxiety), As needed

(Translation:Constantly)

Buspirone, 10mg P.O. (For depression and generalized anxiety),
3 times daily – Useless

Remeron, 15mg P.O. (For depression, anxiety and insomnia),
Daily, at night – Only helps you sleep

Even with all that, I can barely get out of bed in the morning,
coffee’s no help

I can’t really sleep much, waking times a night,
sleeping restlessly if at all

Going to class is a nerve wracking nightmare – as is going out –
but I do it anyways

A panic attack surrounded by people is better than
solitary madness and cabin fever

Like a slave, to a handful of bitter little pills just barely keeping you afloat, unable to hack it alone

While everyone else seemingly can push on through life without them

Falling behind, despite the stupid little pills

Watching as the world goes on around you, spinning sickeningly

While you wish desperately to be normal,
with a million colliding thoughts in your head

I’m a member of so many 21st counter cultures

Of which there are so many we are rendered meaningless

Wait, that’s not right, let me try again

“I choose to ignore this. Cabin in the Woods” He says, The Ostrich Method, head in the sand

And we’re running out of beer, I’m sobering up,

Or rather it was a sobering moment

Just more ammo for these moralists

“Ohh, you’re a drain on society” – buzzkillers the lot of ‘em

Probably religiouses with their ‘God’ and whatnot

“Thou shalt not get *******” or whatever, I dunno I’ve never read that thing

Meanwhile cook talk is running through my head “I’m pretty sure I’m dying” I tell him

Passive aggressive. ******. Isolated, negative worldview

Defeatism exemplified, the most educated generation ******* in the snow

Ya, I know. We’re entitled but they sold us a false reality

We can’t be anything we want, Jack, that’s a fallacy

“But He’s alright” he tells her. I guess they’d been ******* on men

I wanted no part of it – washed my hands of the whole affair

Focusing instead on scotch and rapidly disappearing ice

Things are ok
Not dead and currently that’s a good thing
Optimism abound,
Climbing mountains only to jump off the other side
Hoping to find some understanding or meaning
Or even a median in space, or time
Precariously traversing the rock face
Walking down a fine white line
Seeing the whole world unfolding before you
Only you’re too focused on climbing
To appreciate the view (Tunnel Vision living)

Faltering now, nascent feelings of inadequacy cloud your mind
Who are you kidding?
Latent feelings of inadequacy? (Yes)
Cliché existential crises? (God Yes)
Denial? (Don’t stop!)

Atoms for Peace on repeat (Before your very eyes)
Sinking into it like a warm bath
A glass of absinthe and a head full of dreams
Though you aren't asleep
Sinking into that hole, it feels like dying
The room spins
Senses rapidly disintegrate, one by one
A nothingness deeper and more profound than anything
Timothy Leary knew
As your head dips below the surface
A ******* child, D.M. Turner minced with Kerouac
Or a laudanum laced Thomas De Quincey
You saw god that night,
The layers peeled away
It was pure chaos and caustic fear
Brimming with breathtakingly beautiful apathy and acceptance
Quantum clairvoyance springs forth

You see how the cards will fall
God reminds you, “Everyone dies alone”
And you know the truth, he doesn't have to tell you:
God isn't there when you die
Smiling peacefully as your Sisyphean plight dissolves into the night

i haven't heard from you
in six days time and i had
never felt more free
until you sent me one final
message thirty-seven
seconds ago: i hate you.

the feeling is
mutual.

It's 11pm and
I still haven't eaten yet,
been drinking
alcohol and coffee
to fill my stomach.
Maybe you'll love me better
if I was prettier, skinnier,
if I just wasn't me.
Your name is in the bottom
of every bottle, your lips
are stained where my mouth
falls on this cup of coffee,
and your breath is falling
out of my cigarettes and
into my mouth.