I don't know if I'll breathe tomorrow

The lights went off again
The room is completely dark now
I know the furniture is there, but I can't see it
What I do see is a flickering light, a settle reflection of a mirror
I can't see myself
Who even am I?
The lights turned off
The room is filled with black
I can see the shape of a doorknob
Gloomy light touches the surface and there goes my hand
The door is shut
No movement allowed
It was worth a try
I'll wait in the dark
Scratch the door untill my fingers bleed
I'll not rest until I get into the light
Or heaven I suppose

Depression is always gonna be there
Its always gonna be in my head
I can take pills for that, but it’s always gonna be there
Thats why I hate it so much
It’s so ******* unpredictable
Like I can be completely fine now
And wake up the next day
Or something will trigger me in the next seconds
And I will completely freak out
I will lie in my bed and cry
Depression is what it looks like in the movies
at-least for me
It’s closed curtains, being in bed all day
Not wanting to go out
It’s just so frustrating
When you can’t give a **** about yourself anymore
Nothing ******* matters anymore
And it just *****
Because you do care about things, you want to care about things
But you’re just stuck in between caring and being too tired to give a ****
I ******* hate depression
I would **** it if it was a person
Why is it even here?
It’s just horrible
It’s always gonna be here and it’s never gonna go away
Things are just ****
I have had to cancel a lot of things because I was too depressed to go out
You just don’t want to see yourself living another day
When my depression is really bad, like now, I can’t see myself living next month
I can’t see myself in a weeks time
I can’t even see myself tomorrow morning
That’s when my suicidal plans and thoughts kick in
Because I can’t freaking see myself living for another second
If I don’t love myself then nobody will
And that’s the sad truth about it

I'm scared that I'll **** up
I'm scared that people won't accept the real me, the person with scars and a history full of pain and abuse
I'm scared that I'll throw my life away by dreaming too much
And I'm scared that I'll not dream enough
I'm scared that i will forever be scared
Trapped in my anxiety and shame
I'm scared that I won't be enough
I'm scared to lose my family and friends
I'm scared to lose my mind
I'm so close to losing my mind
I'm scared that I'll cut too deep
And I'm scared that I'll never cut deep enough
I'm scared of living
I'm scared of myself
I'm scared

Most people would say I'm better
I was so sad and so angry at first
So now, i must be better
I'm always smiling
I don't hide my scars anymore, I must be so proud of my recovery
But this is so far from the truth
If anything I feel worse
I just hide it now
Even from myself
I ignore it
And distract myself
But it always comes back
You can't run away from these things cause they are a part of you
I dont want to burden anyone
I dont want to go back to another hospital
Seriously, I don't give a **** if you're throwing me back in a mental institution
I care that I won't be able to see my mom
She needs me
So I smile
I act like I'm better
I lie
I keep the tears in and pray to whoever is up there that they buy it and let me go
And they do
It became so ridiculously easy to pretend
Then there's therapy
I care about other people too much
I care about how everyone around me is feeling
The first weeks of therapy are okay
I'm honest, as honest as i can be
But then we start to bond
I start to care about their feelings
And all of a sudden my life's perfect again
They fixed me, right?
No, but i act like I'm okay to make them feel better
Of course on the inside nothing has changed
It's only gotten worse
At night i can feel it pestering inside me and i wanna cry , i just want to cry so bad
But i have no more tears
I'm numb
So i use my imagination
I think of places far away
Places where I'm happy
I know she'll notice all of this eventually
My mom
She'll notice and i will keep quiet
I don't want to hurt her feelings
My feelings? My feelings would hurt her
So i hide them
And i don't get better
You know, the sick thing is, I don't even think i want to get better
Because I'm scared of that too
This is all I've ever known
I don't remember being happy
I don't remember peace with myself
It's lonely
It's so ******* lonely
Because everyone else knows this completely different person
They don't even know me
I don't know how to deal with this anymore
I just want it to stop
I care about people so much, I dont want to hurt them, but when they meet the real me they will get hurt
I'm done.

And baby she's so tired
So tired of holding the corners of her mouth
She's so tired of faking a smile
And baby she's so scared
So scared of all the people
Telling her she can't
And baby she's so angry
So angry at herself
The cuts never went deep enough
And baby she's so done
So done with life
It never was good to her

I need something
To **** me
I am tired
Of taking
My own life
I need something
To heal me
I am tired
Of helping
My own mind
I need someone
To take my hand
And tell me it's okay
To close my eyes for a bit
I need someone
To **** me
I am tired
Of taking
My
Own
Life