I know you won’t be there
Tomorrow,
The next day,
Or even a year from now.
Maybe that’s why my bed has become more of a hide out
Than a temporary place to rest my head,
It has become my lover,
Memorizing the shape of my body
And the inconsistent thump of my heart
It has memorized all of the words I mumble through nightmares
And it has not left my side.
My bed is my lover,
Because sometimes reality is too painful to face,
Sometimes I can remember your voice a little bit better
If I hide behind my sheets,
Because the soft white walls won’t let the sadness seep in
And reality seems more like a dream than it does a truth
I miss you,
But you've gone to a new world;
The one where memories are born

My therapist made me cry once
He kept prodding "tell me about her, tell me how she died"
A lump formed in my throat
And that night began to play over and over again
"There's not much to tell"
He didn't back down,
he had already burrowed beneath my skin
My tongue felt like a noose:
My words betraying my best friend
I had become so frightened to talk about her
That I began to simplify her into a nothingness
"I don't want to talk about her today"
"It happened so long ago I don't remember much" (Lie)
"What's got you down today, court?" "Nothing."
"It's okay to cry sometimes you know.."
"I don't need to cry. I'm stronger than that"
She became the "nothing" and "I'm fine" to all of the "whats wrong's"
My tongue had formed a noose and somehow slipped around the neck of Erin
She didn't just die that night,
She died inside me too.
I deleted every memory of her, every trace
My mind flooded with thoughts about her,
Until finally the silence was too much for him...
"Keep going Courtney, you're making so much progress"
This time my tongue did not betray her,
It only betrayed me as words slipped out of my mouth
It happened in such an eerie way;
I watched the words slowly roll off my lounge
And just before I could swallow them back down they vanished before me
Warm tears fell onto my denim jeans
As he finished speaking I stood up and reached for the door handle
Finally, it was over.
But just as I slipped out his office he offered me 5 more words,
"This is just the beginning."

I know he didn't leave bruises on your body,
But when I grazed my fingertips along your thigh
I felt him there
For a moment I watched his blackness bleed into your blue veins;
I couldn't stop it from poisoning your bloodstream
And transforming your perfect ivory skin into
His very own art piece,
Every brush stroke
Was drenched in a rich mauve
And you became his blank canvas.
Everybody says they'd like to be compared to the universe
But as I sat beside you
I watched the sky transform before me:
You,
A bright blue,
With warm eyes and sun rays for smiles
A cotton candy pink,
One that reminds you of childhood and fairs
A golden orange
That makes the sky look as if heaven is pouring down on earth;
You we're burning your brightest
Until finally,
You began to fade into a soft periwinkle.
And from there the sky grew into a dark mauve
Leaving every witness speechless at the sight.
His purple dipped paintbrush covered your body;
You we're speechless.
But he didn't stop, his masterpiece wasn't complete-
So he drenched you in such a deep violet that you became black
And I watched the universe open up before me;
Beckoning me to come inside
Your darkness or your depth did not discourage me,
You became my favorite shade;
A never ending sunset,
A sky filled with promise and hope
Even after the darkest of nights