so you say I am not putting effort into us....
you accused me of being distant and heartless....
while I laid in bed praying you'd call me or text me.
I woke up every morning hoping to hear from you
anything from the simplest hey to the most meaningful good morning.
I would think about your eyes and how they were so blue.... how badly I wanted them to look at me.... truthfully.
I craved to know you
how you liked your coffee,
your favourite dessert
favourite season
anything.
anything to get me a glimpse of who you are.
but you shrugged me off
saying you were busy....
I respected that, I respected you.
until you said you loved me
it truly did break me....
you were such a good liar until those words slipped from you lips.
you did not love me,
you just loved yourself to much.

I heard you finally found someone....
someone who can give you thing's I guess I never could,
even though I tried:
I'm so happy that your dreams came true like you always wanted
and I promise you I tried really hard to stay away....
but I needed to see for myself if everything was okay
there was always a fire in your eyes I pray it didn't go away
but as time flew away I wanted to make sure it was still there
from our glory day's.
I also wanted to apologize
It's all my fault anyway
because I know I will never find someone like you.

so you smiled when I talked and I didn't know what to do....
I knew I had fooled you.
I didn't mean to or want to but before I knew it all this power was in the palm of my hands.
and I was slipping under the pressure
you told me you loved me and all of a sudden I felt sick
I wanted to say it back as easily as you said it to me but I couldn't
the words were choking me as I tried to let them free.
love.
god, why was it so hard?
you were everything I needed and nothing I deserved
but you loved me wasn't that all that's supposed to matter?
wasn't that supposed to be enough?
you said it with such confidence....
and maybe I didn't say it back because I couldn't believe someone loved me when I hardly could.
but this wasn't about me this was about everything you would whisper in my ear late at night that made me sick to my stomach.
I begged myself to put on a mask and pretend everything was okay for your sake.
and it worked for a little while
but hiding became harder and harder....
you began to notice and every time you looked at me I could see it quietly breaking you
I really didn't want it to
for me to be the reason of that look
but I just didn't love you....

everybody warns you about death....
how losing a loved one can destroy your life, ripe apart what you always knew to be reality and shake it out of control completely.
but nobody warns you what its like to morn the death of someone who is still alive, someone who still trapes the earth but has nothing to do with you.
they tell you how this person you love will be taken away, but gone to a better place.
but what about him?
what about the boy I loved more than the universe itself who's gone but just in my life?
and I the one who dies while he still gets the privilege to live?

I was falling, so fast that reality wasn't a thing anymore, anything was nothing.
i tried so hard to get a grip.... anything, just to be able to pull myself up and out of this black void that was swallowing me whole.
but there was nothing, jut me and all this darkness. a darkness that was consuming me.
words echoed from the depths. echoes of the same words she yelled at me.
be better
get better
not enough
never enough
i couldn't feel anything, but the tears falling down my cheeks. as i couldn't hold on anymore, and then i was gone.

you held my hand as we were intertwined
drunk of alcohol and each other
I smiled with your lips against mine
your heart was beating so fast under my palm
your hands explored places not even I knew were there....
it tickled the way you'd pull me close by the waist
I wanted to stay tucked between your arms for eternity
but the sun started to rise
I pried myself out of your arms kissed your lips and said goodbye....

the music stopped
but the moment before the last note ringed out
I remember thinking
I'll always remember us this way
the way before the sun goes down
and the moon comes out
I'll remember us in those quiet moments before dawn
when your smile was real
when I could tell you were happy.
I'll remember how you'd look at me with this fire
the way our hands couldn't stay off of each other
when your eyes said everything your lips couldn't
I'll remember everything....
I'll always remember us this way....

**** me....
**** me now and watch me bleed
I want you to know that you were the death of me
**** me now before I have the chance to breathe
I don't want to feel the breeze just your hands choking me
**** me now and hurry please
there's nothing left in me....
**** me now like you killed me then just slightly more violently
stab me, shot me just make me bleed
you already took the best of me....
just **** me please.... and end this misery