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Oct 20 · 59
Without You
Destiny Oct 20
+~~~~~~~+

I ran back to you because I missed you.
I ran back to because I didn't want you to be sad.
I ran back to you because I thought it was my job to protect you.

+~~~~~~~+

I couldn't keep my word that I would stay away because I was terrified to hurt you.
I couldn't stay away because I thought I was letting you down.
I couldn't stay away because I wanted to show you that I was trying to be perfect for you.

+~~~~~~~+

I learned that I was so much happier without you.
I learned that I didn't have to be perfect for you.
I learned that it wasn't my job to protect you.

+~~~~~~~+

I am happy without you.
I am me without you.
I am allowed to be without you.

+~~~~~~~+
Despite the fact that this sounds like I miss some intimate boyfriend or girlfriend relationship, this is about my mom and the relationship I will never have with her.
Oct 9 · 294
Protection
Destiny Oct 9
I was taught by societal expectations that brothers are suppose to protect their little sisters.

I was taught to trust my brothers and to know that they would do anything to protect me.

My family was never normal though, so believing this made me look like an idiot.

I am the only daughter in a family with many boys.

I was so naive and stupid to believe the lies.

It's crazy that my brother who wasn't even around a lot is the one I trust the most.

I was five the first time anything ****** happened.

I had absolutely no clue what was happening and why I was being manipulated into doing.

And even crazier, the  predator was only about 7.

What!

I still to this day haven't told a soul about that night, but I remember it like it was yesterday.

I let it slip out of my mind thinking that it was normal.

From then, he made me do things for him and watch stuff with him that I didn't want to watch.

Everyday, I thought about him hurting me more.

I was 11 the next time.

I had a little more knowledge of what he was doing, but I was still intimidated by everything.

I knew though, that it actually wasn't normal and really should not have been something I had to go through.

I was home alone with him, and I just wanted to be in my room alone.

He was around 13 years old.

That was the first time he had threatened me with the "I'll tell mom" card.

I learned to not even think about telling my parents about what happened.

Thankfully he stopped messing with me for a while because I had moved in with my grandma.

Thank God that she let me.

I ended up getting taken away from my parents, living in an emergency shelter, living in a children's home, losing my dad, and getting moved in with a potential adoptive family before he hurt me again.

I was 15 when he sexually assaulted me in my adoptive family's home.

He had gotten kicked out of placements and came to visit to see if he could be adopted with us.

I didn't say anything because I knew that no one would believe me.

I ended up telling my adoptive parents because I was in so much physical pain.

They claimed that they believed me, but I knew they didn't.

They put all these restrictions on me after he had left and an investigation started.

I was questioned more that I thought I would need to be and I had two of the police investigators tell me that I made it all up.

I felt like I was just a burden to everyone at that point and no one knew all the details.

I wasn't given the chance to tell my story.

Years later, my whole family came up with reasons to justify what he did to me.

They said that he just wanted me to be prepared.

My brother that assaulted me wasn't the only one that was messed up.

My twin brother played a big part in everything too.

He knew that my attacker was going to do what he did to me.

Not only did he know, he told me he wanted to watch.

To this day, almost 5 years later, I have never been able to look at either of them the same way.

My mother still doesn't believe me, but she stopped caring about me years ago.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear mom,

I believed you. Why couldn't you believe me?

Dear R,

What did I do to you for you to take advantage of my body? Why did you hate me so much that you could do that?

Dear C,

Why did you want to see him hurt me? Why weren't you supportive?

Dears R & C,

Why didn't y'all protect y'alls little sister? I'm the only one you have!

Dear Me,

None of that was your fault! You didn't do anything wrong! Don't ever be afraid to ask for help when you are in danger. I'm here for you!

Love yourself!
Jul 10 · 34
Wormhole
Destiny Jul 10
My mind can't even be defined as my mind anymore
Wormholes exist
Sometimes it gets so dark
Just dark...
May 6 · 48
idek
Destiny May 6
The reason I was suicidal was not because I hated my life.

I was suicidal because I already felt dead.

I was suicidal because I didn't think I could feel anymore dead by actually being dead.

That is how you know that someone battling suicidal thoughts isn't being selfish.

They think in all reality that they would be doing the world a true favor.

Trust me.
May 5 · 26
Anxiety Attacks
Destiny May 5
Anxiety attacks make me feel like I ran a marathon entirely by myself with no water.

Anxiety attacks make me remember, actually forget how to breathe.

Anxiety attacks remind me that I HAVE anxiety

Anxiety that sometimes I feel like I can't escape from.
Mar 30 · 41
Fire
Destiny Mar 30
I'm afraid of fire.

I'm afraid of the fire that blazes and melts flesh.

I'm afraid of the fire I feel in my cheeks when I'm embarrassed.

I'm afraid of the fire on the inside when I'm angry.

I'm afraid of the fire in my mind when I sleep.

I'm afraid of the fire on the inside when I'm sad

BUT MOST OF ALL, I'M AFRAID OF THE FIRE I FEEL ON MY SKIN WHEN I HAVE EXTREME URGES

My scars scream...
My skin crawls...
My head spins...

Please go away.
Please go away.
Please go away.

I say it as though I'm calm...

PLEASE GO AWAY!
PLEASE GO AWAY!
PLEASE GO AWAY!

When I should say it like this...

I'm such a failure to myself.
If I pick up the razor, everything I just worked towards will disappear.
I will become homeless.
I will actually have no one.
I won't have anything to live for, which would give me and excuse for suicide being the answer.
I say NO!
SUICIDE IS NOT WORTH IT!
Suicide only kills others on the inside.
Suicide only kills the dreams of your family.
Suicide doesn't even **** you!

You think that if you **** yourself that everyone you've ever met and loved will forget about you.

You think that the memory of you is dead and that's why you think it's okay to kills yourself, when in reality your memory will become more prominent.

You think that nothing will matter to anyone when you breath your last breath, but you don't understand that everything following your suicide will matter more than ever.

You think that this is it...that you'll be in pain for the rest of your life.

Your life is going to be so beautiful!

Yes, you'll have your ups and downs, but so what? You've been through so many of those already!

Stay strong!

Even if it's for your pet fish...
Or your favorite stuffed animal...
Or your favorite TV show to come out with a new season...
Or you to order your favorite food...
Or for you to dance in the rain...
Or for you to make your very first Doctors appointment on your own...
Or to meet the love of your life...
Or to stroll downtown...
Or to go to the fanciest place ever...
Or to ride a helicopter...
Or to go fishing for the first time...
Or to get married...
Or to have your first baby...
Or to go swimming with dolphins...

I could go on and on with this list on why you should go on with your life.

You never know what tomorrow will bring.

Things will eventually get better.
Mar 26 · 39
A Mother's Love
Destiny Mar 26
Me: Hey mom! Do you remember that style of shoe I wore for years?

Mom: No honey, that was a long time ago.
------------------------------------------------------------­---------------------------------
Me: Hey mom! Do you remember doing my make-up for my 8th grade dance?

Mom: No, I was too out if it then.
-----------------------------------------------------------­----------------------------------
Me: Gets reverse cared played on me

Mom: Hey, uh, you don't remember seeing me in the bathroom back then right?

Me: Oh no mom! I let you have your privacy. I didn't want to intrude.

Me: In my head I remember everything...
---------------------------------------------------­------------------------------------------
Dear Mom,
     I remember EVERYTHING! The drugs, the stealing, and the lying...we all remember mom! I will never understand why you are the way you are. You picked favorites and basically said "*******!" to all your other children. You even stated that there's no reason for you to keep your sobriety all because your "Number 1 Son" doesn't want anything to do with you! You said that you have nothing else to stay clean for...WHAT ABOUT YOUR OTHER CHILDREN! I'm so angry with you! All the **** I did for you! Just for you to throw away being a mother! What's new though huh? Why did I expect any different? Why did I ever believe in you? Why did I think you would change and defended you when others said you would fail? Why couldn't you just have been a regular ******* mom! I hate you mom! I wish you had never had children because you don't deserve to see our joy after you talk **** about us and tear us down! I'll forgive you, but I'm so mad at you!
------------------------------------------------------------­---------------------------------
There's a mother's love that I long to have that I will NEVER have...

What a mother's love...to just give up on your children.

Thanks mom.
Mar 17 · 58
Reflection
Destiny Mar 17
Sometimes I look at myself in any reflection and see myself smaller and sometimes I see myself super huge and my vision is distorted because of my brain playing tricks. I think that's why I struggle so much. How can my own brain deceive me so much to the point where I have a disorder?
Mar 1 · 54
Overdosing Faith
Destiny Mar 1
I once thought about overdosing...

But this time my brain twisted it and was like "what if this time, you took one pill for every bad thing that has happened in your life or every bad thought that crossed your mind?"

It hit me hard...like really hard
So I thought about making a list to visualize it.

Here goes nothing I suppose...

> He touched me for the first time when I was 5
>He made me believe it was a game
>He hit me
>He threatened me
>Mom and dad argued
>More arguing
>Some more
>And more
>And some more
>And More
>I moved
>Got bullied
>Some more
>And more
>Started starving myself
>Ate less
>Ate one thing a day
>Drank Coke Zero
>Drank Green Tea
>Drank water
>Ate nothing for a day
>Didn't eat for three days
>Didn't eat for a week
>Fainted for the first time
>Saw my mom inject drugs into her body
>Saw my dad get arrested in our front yard
>Got a puppy, who my dad got rid of
>Got yelled at 24/7
>Got touched by the most popular kid in 7th grade
>Couldn't say bye to my friends
>Went to court to hear my mom lose her rights
>My dad died the day before
>I went to a mental hospital
>I learned how to self harm there
>I kept self harming
>It became more dangerous
>I tried to end my life
>I tried again
>I tried again and was saved by a stranger
>I tried again and got yelled at in the hospital
>Told my mom to leave
>I was alone
>I got adopted by fake people
>My grandad died
>My grandpa died
>I tried to end my life again in secret
>My adoptive watched me self harm
>I tried again
>And again
>Got diagnosed with major depressive disorder
>Got diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder
>Got diagnosed with bipolar disorder
>Got diagnosed with OCD
>Started binging
>Starting exercising religiously
>Passed out from exhaustion 4 times
>Went to the hospital from the gym
>Vomited on purpose
>Almost got tubed 3 times
>Went to the same hospital 4 times
>The staff knew me by name
>Tried one last time to end my life
>Hated God
>Blamed God

65...
I would have to take AT LEAST 65 of whatever pills I had to overdose on!!!

That's a lot.

It's not worth it!
You are loved!
I am loved!
None of those things matter when it comes to you living your life and being happy!
You are priceless!
You are worthy!
You are enough!
You are beautiful!
You are handsome!
You are so amazing!

YOU DESERVE TO BE HERE!

YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!

YOU DESERVE TO EAT!

YOU DESERVE TO HAVE FRIENDS!

YOU DESERVE TO CRY WHEN YOU WANT!

YOU DESERVE THE WHOLE WORLD!

Stand tall and please find your worth from within...I know that it's hard to believe someone who just writes to you about it.
I know it's hard when you feel so alone...

But I also know that you are strong!
You are resilient!
You are kind!
You are talented!
And you are brave!

YOU GOT THIS!

THE WORLD BETTER WATCH OUT BECAUSE THE REAL YOU IS ABOUT TO SHINE AND BLIND THE NEGATIVE PEOPLE!!!
I really needed to write this to let others know that they aren't alone, but also because I needed to read it. Even though it came from my heart. I love you all!
Feb 22 · 73
always perfect
Destiny Feb 22
today i wanted to be perfect yesterday i wanted to be perfect i always want to be perfect but if i was perfect what would god be.
Feb 22 · 307
Imperfect
Destiny Feb 22
My crooked teeth are imperfect.
My weight is imperfect.
My skin is imperfect.
My thought process is imperfect.
My actions can be imperfect.
I am imperfect.

My teeth help me smile, which people love!
My weight just means I'm better to hug and cuddle!
My skin makes me different, which is always okay!
My thought process is just more advanced and sincere!
My actions are a result of chemical imbalances!
I am okay with being imperfect because imperfections make me who I am!
Destiny Jan 24
Logical Mind = LM
OCD Mind =  OCDM

LM: Today is going to be a regular day.

OCDM: What do you mean today is going to be a "regular" day? You have so much to do and you can't have any disruptions!

LM: I need to wake up, go to class, sweep, do laundry, do dishes, and do homework. All regular things.

OCDM: You need to wake up 2 hours early, just to make sure you are fully awake. You need to go to class and you NEED to be the first one there. You HAVE to sweep 2 times in the correct order. You HAVE to do laundry, but make sure the dials are exactly in the same spot each time. You HAVE to do the dishes, but don't forget to scrub each dish 3 times, you don't want those germs to hurt other people and you know it won't feel right if you only scrub once then rinse. You HAVE to do your homework, but don't forget to rewrite your notes 2 times to makes sure you didn't miss anything and that you wrote perfectly. DON'T MESS THIS UP TODAY!

LM: Oh! I can't forget my personal hygiene. Take a shower, brush my teeth, wash my face, and wash my hands.

OCDM: You cannot forget hygiene! You HAVE to take a long shower to make sure you are clean. Scrub everywhere 10 times, but don't unbalance it. You HAVE to brush your teeth 2 times and make sure to go in the same direction and order everytime or you HAVE to restart. You HAVE to wash your face 2 times so you know your face is super clean, if you mess up, you HAVE to restart. DO NOT FORGET TO WASH YOUR HANDS! Wash them 3 times in the same motion or you HAVE to restart.

LM: Regular day. Regular day. Regular day.

OCDM: You CANNOT have a "regular" day until you know 100% that you did everything correctly!
Destiny Jan 18
I remember that night like it was last night.
Except that I don't really remember all the details, which means that it didn't actually happen. . .right?

It was the weekend
My older brother was visiting
We were trying to see if he could potentially be adopted with me and my twin brother
The first of two days was great
We got along
I had missed him
We had dinner
We went to bed
I was in my room
He was in my twin brothers room
Then everything went downhill
He texted me
He asked if I remembered the time he tried to use me the first time
I said yes and told him to leave me alone
I was 15
He was almost 18
He kept texting me
He asked if I wanted to have ***
I told him no
He called me a *****
I told him to leave me alone
He kept asking
He threatened me
He told me that he would hurt me if I told him no
I kept saying no
Again
And again
I said no repeatedly as fast as I could send to the two letter text
He wouldn't take no for an answer
I asked him if I said yes would he leave me alone for the night
He said yes
He lied
I put my phone away and tried to go to sleep
He came downstairs
He knocked on my door
I answer and told him to leave me alone
He pushed his way in
He pushed me onto my twin sized bed
He told me to take my underwear off
I said no
So he took them off
He told me that he was going to get his way
No matter what
I told him no several more times and that I was scared of him
He didn't care
He told me that it was going to hurt
He pinned me down
I was crying
He told me to shut up
He was holding my wrists so tight
He was inside me
It hurt
I told him to stop
He asked me if it felt nice
I told him that I wanted him off me and that he was hurting me
He went faster and more rough
He laughed
I cried hysterically
I want to scream
I want to get him off me
I was frozen
He had won
He got what he wanted regardless of how I felt
He got off me
He left my room
I heard him walk up the stairs
He was done with his toy
I cried all night
I screamed into my pillow
I wished that I could've died
I tried to strangle myself
I wanted my soon to be adoptive parents to walk in and find me dead
I was *****
I let him hurt me
I let him use me
I let him **** me
I finally went to sleep
I woke up the next morning
I had breakfast and I waited for my CPS Caseworker to come for her weekly inspection
She came
She left
With no suspicion
Then he left
He had his visit but had to go back to his foster home.
I told a friend
She told a trusted adult
That trusted adult helped me tell my soon to be adoptive parents
The investigation started
The **** kit and examination made me feel twice as *****
The wanted the clothes I was wearing
My silky nightgown and my underwear
They wanted all the text messages
They wanted everything he touched
They questioned me asking if it was consensual
I told me them that it was not and that I kept saying no
They told me that I was lying
They told me that because I said yes out of fear that they couldn't trust me
The case was closed
He was set free
I was just a liar
Nothing happened
Jan 14 · 32
Imprisoned Mind
Destiny Jan 14
Offenders Name: Destiny

Location of Unit: Prison of Minds, Suicide Town

Charges: Any and Every Mental Illness

Time Sentenced: Life

Cell: Suicide Wing 101

Visitation Rights: All Who Actually Care
Jan 13 · 765
Fall Apart
Destiny Jan 13
I fall apart in the middle of the night when no one can hear my heart cry.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when no one can see tears rolling down my face.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I think my prayers become boomerangs.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I think about how I am going to pretend I'm okay the next day.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I feel alone.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I wake up from that stupid nightmare. . .again.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when my eyes burn from the toxic tears.

I fall apart in the middle of the night because then I'm free to explode quietly.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I know it's safe to fall apart.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I feel the urge to write my next note.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when my friends aren't there to catch me.

I fall apart in the middle of the night because I can!
Jan 13 · 40
S.U.I.C.I.D.E
Destiny Jan 13
The "S" is for SILENCE

The "U" is for UNNOTICED

The "I's" are for ISOLATION and INVISIBILITY

The "C" is CRYING

The "D" is for DREAD

The "E" is for ENDING

There's nothing about suicide that makes it the "easy" way out.
Suicide means that it felt like the "only" way out.
Jan 13 · 103
Fairytale Ending
Destiny Jan 13
Fairytales are so morbidly twisted that we actually believe in happy endings.

Sad endings are realistic. . .
Angry endings are realistic. . .
Confusing endings are realistic. . .
Dumb endings are realistic. . .
Scary endings are realistic. . .

STOP TELLING ME THAT EVERY FAIRYTALE HAS A HAPPY ENDING!!!
Jan 11 · 93
This small voice
Destiny Jan 11
This small voice always comes back. . .
Stronger. . .
And stronger. . .
And stronger. . .
Relapse
I hear it call to me. . .
Relapse
I hear it enchant me. . .
Relapse
Over. . .
And over. . .
And over. . .
Destiny Jan 11
Dear Future You,
You're a badass, but please remember how you've changed and how you got to where you are now.

Winter reminds me of the many scars permanently embedded onto my skin. (Because I hated literally everything about existing, but couldn't not live.)

Spring reminds me of all those I've lost. (Because the universe thought to ironically place all the deaths in the same set of months.)

Summer reminds me of my many vacations to the ****** bin. (Because I couldn't go during the school year, that would be inconvenient .)

Autumn reminds me of the best time of my life. (Because I love school and I know that no one can take that away from me.)
Jan 10 · 53
Silence
Destiny Jan 10
I wonder how many people have yet to realize that I've been MIA for weeks now. . .
Had I been in my worst headspace, I would've used this as an excuse to rid the world of my body. . .
I'm better than that though. . .
Right?
I don't know. . .
I guess I just needed to hear myself say it. . .
Dec 2019 · 82
Simple?
Destiny Dec 2019
The concept of dainty things is lovely
- dainty necklaces
- dainty rings
- dainty earrings
They are all so simple
They have the simplicity I wish for in life
Sometime I think to myself, "What even is simple?"
Dec 2019 · 56
*C*R*Y*
Destiny Dec 2019
What if crying made you a superhero?
Not for others but for yourself?
For you to be able to see that you are indeed a strong badass of an individual!
I wish I thought of myself as such. . .
Dec 2019 · 192
Common Sense
Destiny Dec 2019
People are imperfect.
Dec 2019 · 41
Burning Tears
Destiny Dec 2019
When that first tear rolls down your cheek burning, you know you've held it in for too long.
The pleading. . .
The begging. . .
The screaming. . .
The tear-stained pillows. . .
PLEASE, LORD!
Please. . .
Help me!

Where do I belong?
Why can't I die already?
Why do you still want me here?
How can I better serve you?
How do I know others really care?

I've gotten so used to trusting people only for them to hurt me.
People hurt me without even realizing it.

GOD, I'm trying to make it work. . .
Dec 2019 · 457
.~.~.~.~.
Destiny Dec 2019
If
Only
My
Thoughts
Could
Disintegrate
Like
Spider-Man
Dec 2019 · 450
Dreams
Destiny Dec 2019
My dreams used to be my escape from all the hurt but now I can't stop thinking about food, even while sleeping.
Dec 2019 · 45
Vaguely Sick
Destiny Dec 2019
Even though mental illness spreads across the world like wildfire, we sit here vaguely describing how it actually feels to deal with it. We say we feel sad, angry, depressed, anxious, and frightened but we never go in-depth.

Hers is how it feels for me:

Depression makes me feel like my bed has come alive and it has swallowed me. It wraps my body in sadness that never goes away. It is a monster like no other that doesn't want to just hunt me down, it wants to make my life miserable and those around me hate how I act.

Anxiety makes me think that everyone hates me or is secretly trying to betray me. It makes me think I'm being followed or that any second, the worst things possible will happen. It makes me feel insecure about everything! EVERY SINGLE THING!

I point out every single flaw that I have. This resulting in an eating disorder. I was diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder (BED) but it is a false diagnosis. Yes, I eat a lot of food at one time, but I purge it shortly after consumption. This feels awful. I can't ever get away from a thought revolving around food. I HATE FOOD, but I have to eat it so nothing is suspicious. I know that this is a mental illness, but to outsiders, it looks like an awful choice of suffering. Control is all I want! I can't control my whole life, but I can control food! I wish to break every mirror I see because I am terrified of the monster I might see. The euphoria I feel thinking about how I can get sicker and somewhat smaller makes me feel like I have to listen to this voice in my head. This voice we are told is made up, but it feels so real. Our subconscious hating us more and more every day.

Bipolar Type 1 disorder is something I really never wanted to experience. I didn't want to be more of a problem. I feel like a problem. People who know that I have the diagnosis seem to walk on eggshells around me. They look at me like saying "hi" will trigger me. I just want to be normal!
Nov 2019 · 44
Flaws
Destiny Nov 2019
I am ashamed of how much I've let myself fall. . .
I am angry at myself for not talking about it. . .
I am hurt that my brain could betray me so much. . .
I am guilty of keeping so many secrets. . .
I am disgusted at the things my brain tells me. . .

I didn't choose this. . .
I didn't ask to be so messed up in my mind. . .
I didn't hurt anyone the way I've been hurt. . .
I didn't ask for my family to do the things they did. . .
I didn't want to make people worry. . .

I'm sorry for trying so hard to disappoint you. . .
I'm sorry for thinking the thoughts I think. . .
I'm sorry I'm not perfect. . .
I'm sorry for lying. . .
I'm sorry for being me at this point. . .

I can't help feeling anxious. . .
I can't help feeling depressed. . .
I can't help being afraid to gain weight. . .
I can't help feeling euphoric when my ED type thoughts win. . .
I can't help feeling hate towards myself for being super overweight. . .

I want to see my collar bones. . .
I want my clothes to continue falling off. . .
I want to see that I lost five pounds every weigh in. . .
I want to be cute. . .
I want to be sick if it means I lose weight. . .

I am sick. . .
I am confused. . .
I am scared. . .
I am dumb. . .
I am stupid. . .

Please forgive me, as I sit here pointing out every flaw. . .
Nov 2019 · 37
Untitled
Destiny Nov 2019
Untitled is actually a great title!
Nov 2019 · 45
If Only
Destiny Nov 2019
No one is going to look at me and think, "**** she's hot!" or "Bro I want her!"
You know why?
Because I'm fat and that's not cute!
Nov 2019 · 42
MIA
Destiny Nov 2019
MIA
So I titled this MIA to mean "Missing In Action," But I'm struggling with bulimia type stuff and this specific eating disorder is referred to as MIA. . .Wow.

Anyways, I haven't been on the writing grind as much and it really *****. The reason being that I'm tired of writing about food!

That's all I have right now. . .
Nov 2019 · 156
Sweet Girl
Destiny Nov 2019
Hey, sweet girl, I know you feel alone
Hey, sweet girl, I know you wanna go home
Hey, sweet girl, don't give up on me
Hey, sweet girl, why can't you see
Nov 2019 · 109
Loneliest Happy Girl
Destiny Nov 2019
Lonely is just an understatement.
And saying that it's an understatement just sounds like an exaggeration, but I'm so serious.
What's even worse, is the fact that I have absolutely no reason to feel so lonely.
I know that so many people love me!
I know that I have so many reasons to be happy, but I just can't convince the part of me that thinks it's all a lie.
My mind makes me so exhausted!
Why can't I see myself as others do?
Why can't I love myself?
As I'm sitting here in my bed, I can't help but feel like I'm drowning!
I want the loneliness to go away!
Please go away!
Nov 2019 · 32
Euphoria
Destiny Nov 2019
Today I felt a sense of Euphoria that I shouldn't want to feel
A pleasurable feeling that will only haunt me
This brain inside my skull is sick
This brain inside my skull is terrified
This brain inside my skull does not want to get better
Not today
Not tomorrow
But maybe the next day
As I was walking down the sidewalk
Heading to my next class
I noticed that feeling
That Euphoria in my head
I kept having to pull my black jeans up past my waist
Normally I would have to
But today I had to hold them as I walked
They kept slipping to the very spot that I wish to feel my hip bones
It made me feel. . .so. . .good. . .
Nov 2019 · 14
. . .
Destiny Nov 2019
I hate food!
Noodles,
Fruits,
Vegetables,
Sweets,
Chips,
Meats,
I hate it all!
I don't want to eat any of it!
I don't want to chew it!
I don't want to swallow it!
I DON'T WANT IT!
I don't like the way I look and I swear on everything I'll change that!
If I have to starve, awesome I'll do that!
If I have to make myself *****, I'll do it!
If I have to work out until I've passed out, I will!
I don't want to gain any more weight!
I'm tired of being fat!
I'm tired of not looking cute in anything I wear!
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep because I feel so bad after eating!
AND I'M SO TIRED OF PEOPLE STARING AT ME!
I GET IT!
I'M FAT!
Stop reminding me!
I hate me more than you ever could, so just stop!
Doctors told me that I was too fat to have a problem with food!
DOCTORS!
Why God, did you have to make me this way?
I'm not pretty!
People cringe when they see me!
I can't even eat in front of my best friends anymore without my eyes tearing up!
WHY!
I want to love myself, but I can't!
I can't because I'm too fat!
I want to be pretty
Like all these other girls I see!
I want to be able to share clothes with my friends
Instead of turning bright red when they offer to trade, but remember my size!
I want to be cold
Instead of being so fat that I'm always hot!
I want to be able to eat without judgment
Instead of eating a piece of my birthday cake and staring around the room just knowing someone is watching me!
I will do anything at this point to not gain weight!
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT GOES THROUGH MY HEAD!
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT I HEAR ALL DAY LONG!
NO ONE KNOWS!
Nov 2019 · 51
November 11th
Destiny Nov 2019
11:47 pm
13 minutes away from the next day
13 minutes away until it is no longer my birthday
Aren't birthdays supposed to be meaniful?
November 11th 2013 was the best day of life
Until it wasn't
I told him "see you later" when I should've said "goodbye"
I told him I loved him
Even when he refused to eat cake with us
My dad
He lost his life May 1st 2014
He had a heart attack and knew he was going
I was in school
In a different city
Not allowed to call him
And why would I, when I had nothing to call him for
May 2nd
My mother got her rights taken away
My dad was supposed to show up
But didn't
My mother told me he was sleeping when I knew better
I knew he wasn't sleeping and he wouldn't purposely not come to see me
He loved me
November 11th for the years to follow meant nothing
I always thought about that last "see you later"
I hated myself so much
I didn't get to say goodbye
As he laid their in miserable pain
With a wife that stole his prescription pills
With a wife who forgot about her children
With a wife that will to this day curse his name
November 11th 2019
This year I felt as though my day had been ruined
Little did I know
It was quite the opposite
Dinner
A hot beverage
A devo
Songs
And even a surprise cookie cake
I struggled while eating because I felt like I was putting on a show
I struggled with that cookie cake because I already had 1,470 calories the day before and my head was telling me that I must make up for what I had eaten
But it was my birthday
Nov 2019 · 89
~pRoMiSeD~aLwAyS~iS~
Destiny Nov 2019
It's hard to keep going when a tree fell in your way
That tree being fear
Fear that is encapsulating
Fear that paralyzes everything
I cannot move forward on my own
For the Lord has promised good
For the Lord will always provide
For the Lord is good
Sometimes the loneliness swallows me
Sometimes the guilt doesn't quite make sense
Sometimes I don't understand anything
This fear
This loneliness
This guilt
It all feels like I can't breathe
Begging for the Lord to breathe in my lungs
Begging to release the pressure and eliminate the evil
Begging for hope
Nov 2019 · 79
Smile
Destiny Nov 2019
Smile!
Everyone is staring at you. . .again.
Nov 2019 · 45
i know
Destiny Nov 2019
i know what it's like when you've smile so much, it starts to hurt
i know what it's like when you've cried so much, it starts to burn
Nov 2019 · 78
Gum
Destiny Nov 2019
Gum
I chew gum to make the anxiety vanish
The panic instantly comes back the second I think about the whole 5 calories this gum in my mouth has. . .
Spits out gum
I also chew gum to stop the hunger pains, or at least I pretend that the hunger pains go away. . .
Spits out gum
I no longer feel interrupted when asked to share the gum in the small zipper pocket of my backpack. . .
I have become the gum giver.
Nov 2019 · 108
Mirror
Destiny Nov 2019
I'm broken inside like a mirror
Every small piece showing a different distorted story
I'm broken like a dropped ceramic bowl
Pieces so small they'll never be found
Until you step on them
Feeling every small fragment of your emotions piercing your soul
With uncontrollable anger you run
Pushing the pain deeper and deeper
Until you're satisfied with it being concealed
Then you explode
This pain is just too unbearable
This pain won't stay where it was created
This pain left scars
Not the ones I gave myself
But the ones I didn't ask for
The ones I didn't deserve
The ones that left me sad
This sadness is a mixture of natural disasters
A tornado of feelings thrown around
A hurricane with a facade that things get better until they don't
Looking around I see perfection
Looking at myself I see a monster
I see self-hatred
I see her
The girl that just wants to be pretty
The girl that just wants to be skinny
The girl that just wants to be held
The girl that just wants to be herself
Society's pressure is crushing her slowly
Her body is no longer a temple
It is ruins
Ruins of helplessness
Ruins of confusion
Ruins of I-don't-care-anymore
Her eyes ever changing like evergreen
Her eyes that sting from toxic tears
Her eyes that people love
Her smile that changes every mood
Her smile that no longer shines
Her smile disappears
She laughs at the word recovery
She mocks every letter
She hates food
Just as much as herself
She only feels full when she's empty
She's accomplished if she didn't finish
Skip one meal
Okay
Skip two
Fine
But skip all three and someone will know
Her secret is no longer a secret
She is exposed
She has to hide now
To protect her beloved relapse
Ew
Relapse
A word your therapist never wants to hear
Because now they actually have to help you
A word that begs for treatment
A word that begs for attention
She's a queen of a fallen thrown
Overtaken by the King himself
The man who calls himself ED
ED thinks he controls me
And I'm almost fully convinced that he has won
He has all the control
As I plead no more
His power gets stronger and stronger
While I become weaker and weaker
Simply shattered
Like that mirror that is still broken
The mirror that sees my pain
The mirror that I hate so much
But is ironically the only one I trust
That mirror must see beauty somewhere within me
I am just not looking quite clear enough to see her shining
Shining with unique beauty
Beauty that comes purely from inside
My spirit that burns brighter than any social media screen
The screen that has monopolized my mind
The screen that taught me to hate myself
The screen that reflects that broken mirror
Destroyed by me
First SLAM Poetry Piece!
Let me know what you think!
Destiny Nov 2019
I stopped telling them.

How I felt. . .
What was going on in my head. . .
How much I hated myself. . .
What I was thinking cognitively. . .

I feel so small and fragile.
I feel lost.
I feel out of control.
I feel stupid.
I feel helpless.
I feel confused.

In my head I see this perfect image!
In my head I see pain!
In my head I feel pressure!
In my head I am weak!
In my head I am pretending!
In my head I hate everything!

I hate my thoughts.
I hate my smile.
I hate my laugh.
I hate my feet.
I hate how kind I am to people.
I hate myself as a whole.

All I think about is food. . .
Can I get away with skipping a meal?
How can I pretend to eat enough for me to be full?
Can I get away with purging?
How many calories is in that?
Why can't I have the willpower to just stop eating?

This is how I'm doing, yet I'm so terrified that I'll get looked at like a joke again.

I don't think I'm as ready for recovery as I thought I was. . .
I'm trying to figure out how to get the help I need, but I can't get "help" without insurance so I am writing through it.
Nov 2019 · 366
:(
Destiny Nov 2019
:(
I'm broken.
I'm weak.
I'm sad.
I'm angry.
I'm asamed.
Nov 2019 · 31
~bulimia
Destiny Nov 2019
I can't stand to hear or watch someone *****,
but I'll ***** if it means my stomach doesn't absorb food.

Thin!
Skinny!
Thin!
Skinny!
Thin!
Skinny!

THAT'S ALL I HEAR!
Nov 2019 · 38
*Cries*
Destiny Nov 2019
I find myself trying to hide way too often. . .
Tonight I was hanging out with my favorite kid on the planet.
I have to be a role model for her. . .
Always!
It's really difficult!
Especially on a night like tonight.
I am really struggling to eat properly and feel a certain way when I'm eating, but tonight was especially hard.
I ate my food fast so I couldn't think about how it made me feel in that moment.
I was on the verge of crying. . .
I had to hold it in with all my strength to make sure she didn't see me cry over food.
I don't want her to be afraid of food.
I want her to love her body and to not have someone hurt her.
I want to love my body
I want to stop thinking about food constantly

I hate food
Nov 2019 · 32
Grass
Destiny Nov 2019
Do you ever walk around fantasizing about grass talking, because SAME!
Nov 2019 · 96
Transparent
Destiny Nov 2019
I've always been told that I'm good at putting on a mask to hide my pain, but I actually wish I could have a real one on 24/7.

Ooh!
Even better, how about an invisibility cloak?
Oh wait, I'm already invisible. . .

Better luck next time!
Nov 2019 · 118
Letter
Destiny Nov 2019
Dear Self Hatred,

Could you leave me alone? I'd really appreciate it!

                                                                 ~ Sincerely, one lonely gal
Nov 2019 · 55
Tylenol
Destiny Nov 2019
Pills,
Pills,
Pills,

Every time I have a migraine, I deal with it. . .

It got really old. . .

16 extra-strength tylenol. . .

Mocking me for an attempted OD. . .

It wasn't even 16, it was 32. . .

~ Until last night, I didn't take anything to rid me of the migraine. . .
~ So I asked for 2. . .
~ The bottle was thrown at me. . .
~ It struck my right collarbone. . .

GREAT!

Now I'm reminded of my desire to actually feel my collarbones with no effort. . .
Nov 2019 · 49
I hate you!
Destiny Nov 2019
I hate you!

When you talk about me behind my back!
When you laugh at the way I turn red when I'm nervous!
When you look at me in disgust!
When you judge my weight!
When you say, "How could she get that huge?"
When you say, "I'm glad I'm not fat!"

I hate you!

When you tell me I look beautiful!
When you tell me I look good in my outfit!
When you seem concerned if I've eaten or not!
When you tell me I am perfect just the way I am!

I hate you!

When you ask me if I want your leftovers!
When you look at me asking if I really need seconds!
When you convince me to buy a salad!
When you drag me into stores that are not made for my size!
When you ask for my jacket because it's like a blanket to you!
When you look through my clothes!
When you hold my shirt to your body as if it's a dress!
When you ask me if I want a crop-top!

I hate you!

Everywhere I look, I see perfection!
Everywhere I go, I feel everyone's eyes piercing into my soul!
Everywhere I go, I hate myself more and more!

You don't care. . .
You tell me I'm being selfish. . .
You tell me to think about everyone else when in fact, I already do think about everyone!
You tell me I'm fine!

I am fine. . .

Until I don't eat for days. . .

Or my knuckles are bruised. . .

Or my throat hurts. . .

Or I just stop everything. . .

I HATE YOU!!!
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