My body is a canvas.
A canvas of many different mediums.
How could art be awful?
This medium involved Scarlett. . .
-Bright Scarlett. . .
Silver. . .
-Shiny Silver. . .
Tears. . .
-So many tears. . .
Self-harm is something I truly never thought I would find.
I never thought that I could inflict so much physical pain on myself, when everyone saw me as the "baby" of the family.
You know, it's always been easier to be the cause of the pain. That way, you can actually stop the pain. But I didn't want to. I liked feeling the "real" pain. I didn't have access to drugs or alcohol, so I found something else to get addicted to.
At first it wasn't as bad.
Then one whole top of my thigh.
I still didn't think it was bad.
I was oblivious.
Then something happened.
I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, Psychosis and PTSD.
So then, the cutting got worse because I couldn't stand the thought of being everyone's problem.
I couldn't stand the truth of what "I" was.
I was THE problem.
Everyone had to put their lives on hold.
For me. . .
I hated myself.
I was crying out for help, but I was invisible.
I was hidden in plain sight and I might as well have put on a show for my family.
Called, "Welcome to the Destruction of a Ghost!"
Because I was invisible!!!
Oh, but it was all my fault?
I eventually started to dissociate.
Meaning, I had no clue what I was doing or where I was.
I starting waking up with more throbbing wounds that I didn't remember.
I was in danger.
The worst of it all was when I would dissociate AND have a psychotic episode.
The voices grew louder each day, until I cut deep enough to need stitches.
I never got those stitches.
I was still hidden in plain sight.
I. . .Finally. . .Got. . .Help!
Two years, 11 psych wards, and so much pain.
I've been clean for 4 months.
It's a battle that I fight everyday, but I'm a warrior with the proper training.
I've gotten rid of that awful medium on this canvas.
Now I express myself through the power of words, writing music, and putting my thoughts in to illustrated art!
I refuse to verbally tell anyone that things will get better because that's not my place! This is your journey and your story!