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3d · 45
Destiny 3d
My crooked teeth are imperfect.
My weight is imperfect.
My skin is imperfect.
My thought process is imperfect.
My actions can be imperfect.
I am imperfect.

My teeth help me smile, which people love!
My weight just means I'm better to hug and cuddle!
My skin makes me different, which is always okay!
My thought process is just more advanced and sincere!
My actions are a result of chemical imbalances!
I am okay with being imperfect because imperfections make me who I am!
Destiny Jan 24
Logical Mind = LM
OCD Mind =  OCDM

LM: Today is going to be a regular day.

OCDM: What do you mean today is going to be a "regular" day? You have so much to do and you can't have any disruptions!

LM: I need to wake up, go to class, sweep, do laundry, do dishes, and do homework. All regular things.

OCDM: You need to wake up 2 hours early, just to make sure you are fully awake. You need to go to class and you NEED to be the first one there. You HAVE to sweep 2 times in the correct order. You HAVE to do laundry, but make sure the dials are exactly in the same spot each time. You HAVE to do the dishes, but don't forget to scrub each dish 3 times, you don't want those germs to hurt other people and you know it won't feel right if you only scrub once then rinse. You HAVE to do your homework, but don't forget to rewrite your notes 2 times to makes sure you didn't miss anything and that you wrote perfectly. DON'T MESS THIS UP TODAY!

LM: Oh! I can't forget my personal hygiene. Take a shower, brush my teeth, wash my face, and wash my hands.

OCDM: You cannot forget hygiene! You HAVE to take a long shower to make sure you are clean. Scrub everywhere 10 times, but don't unbalance it. You HAVE to brush your teeth 2 times and make sure to go in the same direction and order everytime or you HAVE to restart. You HAVE to wash your face 2 times so you know your face is super clean, if you mess up, you HAVE to restart. DO NOT FORGET TO WASH YOUR HANDS! Wash them 3 times in the same motion or you HAVE to restart.

LM: Regular day. Regular day. Regular day.

OCDM: You CANNOT have a "regular" day until you know 100% that you did everything correctly!
Destiny Jan 18
I remember that night like it was last night.
Except that I don't really remember all the details, which means that it didn't actually happen. . .right?

It was the weekend
My older brother was visiting
We were trying to see if he could potentially be adopted with me and my twin brother
The first of two days was great
We got along
I had missed him
We had dinner
We went to bed
I was in my room
He was in my twin brothers room
Then everything went downhill
He texted me
He asked if I remembered the time he tried to use me the first time
I said yes and told him to leave me alone
I was 15
He was almost 18
He kept texting me
He asked if I wanted to have ***
I told him no
He called me a *****
I told him to leave me alone
He kept asking
He threatened me
He told me that he would hurt me if I told him no
I kept saying no
And again
I said no repeatedly as fast as I could send to the two letter text
He wouldn't take no for an answer
I asked him if I said yes would he leave me alone for the night
He said yes
He lied
I put my phone away and tried to go to sleep
He came downstairs
He knocked on my door
I answer and told him to leave me alone
He pushed his way in
He pushed me onto my twin sized bed
He told me to take my underwear off
I said no
So he took them off
He told me that he was going to get his way
No matter what
I told him no several more times and that I was scared of him
He didn't care
He told me that it was going to hurt
He pinned me down
I was crying
He told me to shut up
He was holding my wrists so tight
He was inside me
It hurt
I told him to stop
He asked me if it felt nice
I told him that I wanted him off me and that he was hurting me
He went faster and more rough
He laughed
I cried hysterically
I want to scream
I want to get him off me
I was frozen
He had won
He got what he wanted regardless of how I felt
He got off me
He left my room
I heard him walk up the stairs
He was done with his toy
I cried all night
I screamed into my pillow
I wished that I could've died
I tried to strangle myself
I wanted my soon to be adoptive parents to walk in and find me dead
I was *****
I let him hurt me
I let him use me
I let him **** me
I finally went to sleep
I woke up the next morning
I had breakfast and I waited for my CPS Caseworker to come for her weekly inspection
She came
She left
With no suspicion
Then he left
He had his visit but had to go back to his foster home.
I told a friend
She told a trusted adult
That trusted adult helped me tell my soon to be adoptive parents
The investigation started
The **** kit and examination made me feel twice as *****
The wanted the clothes I was wearing
My silky nightgown and my underwear
They wanted all the text messages
They wanted everything he touched
They questioned me asking if it was consensual
I told me them that it was not and that I kept saying no
They told me that I was lying
They told me that because I said yes out of fear that they couldn't trust me
The case was closed
He was set free
I was just a liar
Nothing happened
Jan 14 · 27
Imprisoned Mind
Destiny Jan 14
Offenders Name: Destiny

Location of Unit: Prison of Minds, Suicide Town

Charges: Any and Every Mental Illness

Time Sentenced: Life

Cell: Suicide Wing 101

Visitation Rights: All Who Actually Care
Jan 13 · 126
Fall Apart
Destiny Jan 13
I fall apart in the middle of the night when no one can hear my heart cry.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when no one can see tears rolling down my face.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I think my prayers become boomerangs.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I think about how I am going to pretend I'm okay the next day.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I feel alone.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I wake up from that stupid nightmare. . .again.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when my eyes burn from the toxic tears.

I fall apart in the middle of the night because then I'm free to explode quietly.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I know it's safe to fall apart.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I feel the urge to write my next note.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when my friends aren't there to catch me.

I fall apart in the middle of the night because I can!
Jan 13 · 36
Destiny Jan 13
The "S" is for SILENCE

The "U" is for UNNOTICED


The "C" is CRYING

The "D" is for DREAD

The "E" is for ENDING

There's nothing about suicide that makes it the "easy" way out.
Suicide means that it felt like the "only" way out.
Jan 13 · 92
Fairytale Ending
Destiny Jan 13
Fairytales are so morbidly twisted that we actually believe in happy endings.

Sad endings are realistic. . .
Angry endings are realistic. . .
Confusing endings are realistic. . .
Dumb endings are realistic. . .
Scary endings are realistic. . .

Jan 11 · 69
This small voice
Destiny Jan 11
This small voice always comes back. . .
Stronger. . .
And stronger. . .
And stronger. . .
I hear it call to me. . .
I hear it enchant me. . .
Over. . .
And over. . .
And over. . .
Destiny Jan 11
Dear Future You,
You're a badass, but please remember how you've changed and how you got to where you are now.

Winter reminds me of the many scars permanently embedded onto my skin. (Because I hated literally everything about existing, but couldn't not live.)

Spring reminds me of all those I've lost. (Because the universe thought to ironically place all the deaths in the same set of months.)

Summer reminds me of my many vacations to the ****** bin. (Because I couldn't go during the school year, that would be inconvenient .)

Autumn reminds me of the best time of my life. (Because I love school and I know that no one can take that away from me.)
Jan 10 · 37
Destiny Jan 10
I wonder how many people have yet to realize that I've been MIA for weeks now. . .
Had I been in my worst headspace, I would've used this as an excuse to rid the world of my body. . .
I'm better than that though. . .
I don't know. . .
I guess I just needed to hear myself say it. . .
Dec 2019 · 68
Destiny Dec 2019
The concept of dainty things is lovely
- dainty necklaces
- dainty rings
- dainty earrings
They are all so simple
They have the simplicity I wish for in life
Sometime I think to myself, "What even is simple?"
Dec 2019 · 38
Destiny Dec 2019
What if crying made you a superhero?
Not for others but for yourself?
For you to be able to see that you are indeed a strong badass of an individual!
I wish I thought of myself as such. . .
Dec 2019 · 175
Common Sense
Destiny Dec 2019
People are imperfect.
Dec 2019 · 29
Burning Tears
Destiny Dec 2019
When that first tear rolls down your cheek burning, you know you've held it in for too long.
The pleading. . .
The begging. . .
The screaming. . .
The tear-stained pillows. . .
Please. . .
Help me!

Where do I belong?
Why can't I die already?
Why do you still want me here?
How can I better serve you?
How do I know others really care?

I've gotten so used to trusting people only for them to hurt me.
People hurt me without even realizing it.

GOD, I'm trying to make it work. . .
Dec 2019 · 439
Destiny Dec 2019
Dec 2019 · 433
Destiny Dec 2019
My dreams used to be my escape from all the hurt but now I can't stop thinking about food, even while sleeping.
Dec 2019 · 34
Vaguely Sick
Destiny Dec 2019
Even though mental illness spreads across the world like wildfire, we sit here vaguely describing how it actually feels to deal with it. We say we feel sad, angry, depressed, anxious, and frightened but we never go in-depth.

Hers is how it feels for me:

Depression makes me feel like my bed has come alive and it has swallowed me. It wraps my body in sadness that never goes away. It is a monster like no other that doesn't want to just hunt me down, it wants to make my life miserable and those around me hate how I act.

Anxiety makes me think that everyone hates me or is secretly trying to betray me. It makes me think I'm being followed or that any second, the worst things possible will happen. It makes me feel insecure about everything! EVERY SINGLE THING!

I point out every single flaw that I have. This resulting in an eating disorder. I was diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder (BED) but it is a false diagnosis. Yes, I eat a lot of food at one time, but I purge it shortly after consumption. This feels awful. I can't ever get away from a thought revolving around food. I HATE FOOD, but I have to eat it so nothing is suspicious. I know that this is a mental illness, but to outsiders, it looks like an awful choice of suffering. Control is all I want! I can't control my whole life, but I can control food! I wish to break every mirror I see because I am terrified of the monster I might see. The euphoria I feel thinking about how I can get sicker and somewhat smaller makes me feel like I have to listen to this voice in my head. This voice we are told is made up, but it feels so real. Our subconscious hating us more and more every day.

Bipolar Type 1 disorder is something I really never wanted to experience. I didn't want to be more of a problem. I feel like a problem. People who know that I have the diagnosis seem to walk on eggshells around me. They look at me like saying "hi" will trigger me. I just want to be normal!
Nov 2019 · 34
Destiny Nov 2019
I am ashamed of how much I've let myself fall. . .
I am angry at myself for not talking about it. . .
I am hurt that my brain could betray me so much. . .
I am guilty of keeping so many secrets. . .
I am disgusted at the things my brain tells me. . .

I didn't choose this. . .
I didn't ask to be so messed up in my mind. . .
I didn't hurt anyone the way I've been hurt. . .
I didn't ask for my family to do the things they did. . .
I didn't want to make people worry. . .

I'm sorry for trying so hard to disappoint you. . .
I'm sorry for thinking the thoughts I think. . .
I'm sorry I'm not perfect. . .
I'm sorry for lying. . .
I'm sorry for being me at this point. . .

I can't help feeling anxious. . .
I can't help feeling depressed. . .
I can't help being afraid to gain weight. . .
I can't help feeling euphoric when my ED type thoughts win. . .
I can't help feeling hate towards myself for being super overweight. . .

I want to see my collar bones. . .
I want my clothes to continue falling off. . .
I want to see that I lost five pounds every weigh in. . .
I want to be cute. . .
I want to be sick if it means I lose weight. . .

I am sick. . .
I am confused. . .
I am scared. . .
I am dumb. . .
I am stupid. . .

Please forgive me, as I sit here pointing out every flaw. . .
Nov 2019 · 29
Destiny Nov 2019
Untitled is actually a great title!
Nov 2019 · 37
If Only
Destiny Nov 2019
No one is going to look at me and think, "**** she's hot!" or "Bro I want her!"
You know why?
Because I'm fat and that's not cute!
Nov 2019 · 31
Destiny Nov 2019
So I titled this MIA to mean "Missing In Action," But I'm struggling with bulimia type stuff and this specific eating disorder is referred to as MIA. . .Wow.

Anyways, I haven't been on the writing grind as much and it really *****. The reason being that I'm tired of writing about food!

That's all I have right now. . .
Nov 2019 · 137
Sweet Girl
Destiny Nov 2019
Hey, sweet girl, I know you feel alone
Hey, sweet girl, I know you wanna go home
Hey, sweet girl, don't give up on me
Hey, sweet girl, why can't you see
Nov 2019 · 95
Loneliest Happy Girl
Destiny Nov 2019
Lonely is just an understatement.
And saying that it's an understatement just sounds like an exaggeration, but I'm so serious.
What's even worse, is the fact that I have absolutely no reason to feel so lonely.
I know that so many people love me!
I know that I have so many reasons to be happy, but I just can't convince the part of me that thinks it's all a lie.
My mind makes me so exhausted!
Why can't I see myself as others do?
Why can't I love myself?
As I'm sitting here in my bed, I can't help but feel like I'm drowning!
I want the loneliness to go away!
Please go away!
Nov 2019 · 21
Destiny Nov 2019
Today I felt a sense of Euphoria that I shouldn't want to feel
A pleasurable feeling that will only haunt me
This brain inside my skull is sick
This brain inside my skull is terrified
This brain inside my skull does not want to get better
Not today
Not tomorrow
But maybe the next day
As I was walking down the sidewalk
Heading to my next class
I noticed that feeling
That Euphoria in my head
I kept having to pull my black jeans up past my waist
Normally I would have to
But today I had to hold them as I walked
They kept slipping to the very spot that I wish to feel my hip bones
It made me feel. . .so. . .good. . .
Nov 2019 · 4
. . .
Destiny Nov 2019
I hate food!
I hate it all!
I don't want to eat any of it!
I don't want to chew it!
I don't want to swallow it!
I don't like the way I look and I swear on everything I'll change that!
If I have to starve, awesome I'll do that!
If I have to make myself *****, I'll do it!
If I have to work out until I've passed out, I will!
I don't want to gain any more weight!
I'm tired of being fat!
I'm tired of not looking cute in anything I wear!
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep because I feel so bad after eating!
Stop reminding me!
I hate me more than you ever could, so just stop!
Doctors told me that I was too fat to have a problem with food!
Why God, did you have to make me this way?
I'm not pretty!
People cringe when they see me!
I can't even eat in front of my best friends anymore without my eyes tearing up!
I want to love myself, but I can't!
I can't because I'm too fat!
I want to be pretty
Like all these other girls I see!
I want to be able to share clothes with my friends
Instead of turning bright red when they offer to trade, but remember my size!
I want to be cold
Instead of being so fat that I'm always hot!
I want to be able to eat without judgment
Instead of eating a piece of my birthday cake and staring around the room just knowing someone is watching me!
I will do anything at this point to not gain weight!
Nov 2019 · 38
November 11th
Destiny Nov 2019
11:47 pm
13 minutes away from the next day
13 minutes away until it is no longer my birthday
Aren't birthdays supposed to be meaniful?
November 11th 2013 was the best day of life
Until it wasn't
I told him "see you later" when I should've said "goodbye"
I told him I loved him
Even when he refused to eat cake with us
My dad
He lost his life May 1st 2014
He had a heart attack and knew he was going
I was in school
In a different city
Not allowed to call him
And why would I, when I had nothing to call him for
May 2nd
My mother got her rights taken away
My dad was supposed to show up
But didn't
My mother told me he was sleeping when I knew better
I knew he wasn't sleeping and he wouldn't purposely not come to see me
He loved me
November 11th for the years to follow meant nothing
I always thought about that last "see you later"
I hated myself so much
I didn't get to say goodbye
As he laid their in miserable pain
With a wife that stole his prescription pills
With a wife who forgot about her children
With a wife that will to this day curse his name
November 11th 2019
This year I felt as though my day had been ruined
Little did I know
It was quite the opposite
A hot beverage
A devo
And even a surprise cookie cake
I struggled while eating because I felt like I was putting on a show
I struggled with that cookie cake because I already had 1,470 calories the day before and my head was telling me that I must make up for what I had eaten
But it was my birthday
Nov 2019 · 79
Destiny Nov 2019
It's hard to keep going when a tree fell in your way
That tree being fear
Fear that is encapsulating
Fear that paralyzes everything
I cannot move forward on my own
For the Lord has promised good
For the Lord will always provide
For the Lord is good
Sometimes the loneliness swallows me
Sometimes the guilt doesn't quite make sense
Sometimes I don't understand anything
This fear
This loneliness
This guilt
It all feels like I can't breathe
Begging for the Lord to breathe in my lungs
Begging to release the pressure and eliminate the evil
Begging for hope
Nov 2019 · 67
Destiny Nov 2019
Everyone is staring at you. . .again.
Nov 2019 · 35
i know
Destiny Nov 2019
i know what it's like when you've smile so much, it starts to hurt
i know what it's like when you've cried so much, it starts to burn
Nov 2019 · 42
Destiny Nov 2019
I chew gum to make the anxiety vanish
The panic instantly comes back the second I think about the whole 5 calories this gum in my mouth has. . .
Spits out gum
I also chew gum to stop the hunger pains, or at least I pretend that the hunger pains go away. . .
Spits out gum
I no longer feel interrupted when asked to share the gum in the small zipper pocket of my backpack. . .
I have become the gum giver.
Nov 2019 · 99
Destiny Nov 2019
I'm broken inside like a mirror
Every small piece showing a different story
I'm broken like a ceramic bowl
Pieces so small they'll never be found
Until you step on them
Feeling every small fragment of your emotions piercing your soul
With uncontrollable anger you run
Pushing the pain deeper and deeper
Until you're satisfied with it being concealed
Then you explode
This pain is just too unbearable
This pain won't stay where it was created
This pain left scars
Not the ones I gave myself
But the ones I didn't ask for
The ones I didn't deserve
The ones that left me sad
This sadness is a mixture of natural disasters
A tornado of feelings thrown around
A hurricane with a facade that things get better until they don't
Looking around I see perfection
Looking at myself I see a monster
I see self-hatred
I see her
The girl that just wants to be pretty
The girl that just wants to be skinny
The girl that just wants to be held
The girl that just wants to be herself
Society's pressure is crushing her slowly
Her body is no longer a temple
It is ruins
Ruins of helplessness
Ruins of confusion
Ruins of I-don't-care-anymore
Her eyes ever changing like evergreen
Her eyes that sting from toxic tears
Her eyes that people love
Her smile that changes every mood
Her smile that no longer shines
Her smile disappears
She laughs at the word recovery
She mocks every letter
She hates food
Just as much as herself
She only feels full when she's empty
She's accomplished if she didn't finish
Skip one meal
Skip two
But skip all three and someone will know
Her secret is no longer a secret
She is exposed
She has to hide now
To protect her beloved relapse
A word your therapist never wants to hear
Because now they actually have to help you
A word that begs for treatment
A word that begs for attention
She's a queen on a fallen thrown
Overtaken by the King himself
The man who calls himself ED
ED thinks he controls me
And I'm almost fully convinced that he has won
He has all the control
As I plead no more
His power gets stronger and stronger
While I become weaker and weaker
Simply shattered
Like that mirror that is still broken
The mirror that sees my pain
The mirror that I hate so much
But is ironically the only one I trust
That mirror must see beauty somewhere within me
I am just not looking quite clear enough to see her shining
Shining with unique beauty
Beauty that comes purely from inside
My spirit that burns brighter than any social media screen
The screen that has monopolized my mind
The screen that taught me to hate myself
The screen that reflects that broken mirror
Destroyed by me
First SLAM Poetry Piece!
Let me know what you think!
Destiny Nov 2019
I stopped telling them.

How I felt. . .
What was going on in my head. . .
How much I hated myself. . .
What I was thinking cognitively. . .

I feel so small and fragile.
I feel lost.
I feel out of control.
I feel stupid.
I feel helpless.
I feel confused.

In my head I see this perfect image!
In my head I see pain!
In my head I feel pressure!
In my head I am weak!
In my head I am pretending!
In my head I hate everything!

I hate my thoughts.
I hate my smile.
I hate my laugh.
I hate my feet.
I hate how kind I am to people.
I hate myself as a whole.

All I think about is food. . .
Can I get away with skipping a meal?
How can I pretend to eat enough for me to be full?
Can I get away with purging?
How many calories is in that?
Why can't I have the willpower to just stop eating?

This is how I'm doing, yet I'm so terrified that I'll get looked at like a joke again.

I don't think I'm as ready for recovery as I thought I was. . .
I'm trying to figure out how to get the help I need, but I can't get "help" without insurance so I am writing through it.
Nov 2019 · 357
Destiny Nov 2019
I'm broken.
I'm weak.
I'm sad.
I'm angry.
I'm asamed.
Nov 2019 · 23
Destiny Nov 2019
I can't stand to hear or watch someone *****,
but I'll ***** if it means my stomach doesn't absorb food.


Nov 2019 · 29
Destiny Nov 2019
I find myself trying to hide way too often. . .
Tonight I was hanging out with my favorite kid on the planet.
I have to be a role model for her. . .
It's really difficult!
Especially on a night like tonight.
I am really struggling to eat properly and feel a certain way when I'm eating, but tonight was especially hard.
I ate my food fast so I couldn't think about how it made me feel in that moment.
I was on the verge of crying. . .
I had to hold it in with all my strength to make sure she didn't see me cry over food.
I don't want her to be afraid of food.
I want her to love her body and to not have someone hurt her.
I want to love my body
I want to stop thinking about food constantly

I hate food
Nov 2019 · 24
Destiny Nov 2019
Do you ever walk around fantasizing about grass talking, because SAME!
Nov 2019 · 85
Destiny Nov 2019
I've always been told that I'm good at putting on a mask to hide my pain, but I actually wish I could have a real one on 24/7.

Even better, how about an invisibility cloak?
Oh wait, I'm already invisible. . .

Better luck next time!
Nov 2019 · 107
Destiny Nov 2019
Dear Self Hatred,

Could you leave me alone? I'd really appreciate it!

                                                                 ~ Sincerely, one lonely gal
Nov 2019 · 46
Destiny Nov 2019

Every time I have a migraine, I deal with it. . .

It got really old. . .

16 extra-strength tylenol. . .

Mocking me for an attempted OD. . .

It wasn't even 16, it was 32. . .

~ Until last night, I didn't take anything to rid me of the migraine. . .
~ So I asked for 2. . .
~ The bottle was thrown at me. . .
~ It struck my right collarbone. . .


Now I'm reminded of my desire to actually feel my collarbones with no effort. . .
Nov 2019 · 40
I hate you!
Destiny Nov 2019
I hate you!

When you talk about me behind my back!
When you laugh at the way I turn red when I'm nervous!
When you look at me in disgust!
When you judge my weight!
When you say, "How could she get that huge?"
When you say, "I'm glad I'm not fat!"

I hate you!

When you tell me I look beautiful!
When you tell me I look good in my outfit!
When you seem concerned if I've eaten or not!
When you tell me I am perfect just the way I am!

I hate you!

When you ask me if I want your leftovers!
When you look at me asking if I really need seconds!
When you convince me to buy a salad!
When you drag me into stores that are not made for my size!
When you ask for my jacket because it's like a blanket to you!
When you look through my clothes!
When you hold my shirt to your body as if it's a dress!
When you ask me if I want a crop-top!

I hate you!

Everywhere I look, I see perfection!
Everywhere I go, I feel everyone's eyes piercing into my soul!
Everywhere I go, I hate myself more and more!

You don't care. . .
You tell me I'm being selfish. . .
You tell me to think about everyone else when in fact, I already do think about everyone!
You tell me I'm fine!

I am fine. . .

Until I don't eat for days. . .

Or my knuckles are bruised. . .

Or my throat hurts. . .

Or I just stop everything. . .

Nov 2019 · 122
This Temporary Pain
Destiny Nov 2019
This temporary pain feels as though it will last an eternity.

This temporary pain makes me feel as though I have traveled so far just to reach a destination with no outlet!

This temporary pain lingers on every inch of my body!

This temporary pain is this noise of an explosion that blew up and injured my insides!

This temporary pain is a shape-shifter that can fool and deceive every living soul that knows of my existence.

This temporary pain is silent to others until it can no longer suffice my brain capacity.

This temporary pain follows closely behind my shadow.

This temporary pain didn't want to stay in that temporary home where it was created.

This temporary pain knows no boundaries of respect.

This temporary pain engulfs my every thought.

This temporary pain is just as it is called: temporary.
Nov 2019 · 295
Destiny Nov 2019
Where do I begin?
I've managed to be in "ReCoVeRy" for a while now.
I think. . .









- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I was told that recovery meant progress, when really is just means I'm weak!

I was told that things would get better, when really they just s-e-e-m better!

I was told to just have faith, even if it meant insanity!

I was told to smile, which really just hurts at this point!

I was told to hang on, but my palms are getting sweaty and I'm about to fall!

I was told to pray, but GOD CAN YOU HEAR ME!
Nov 2019 · 21
CANVAS : My body (TW)
Destiny Nov 2019
My body is a canvas.
A canvas of many different mediums.
Some great.
Some awful.

How could art be awful?

This medium involved Scarlett. . .
  -Bright Scarlett. . .
Silver. . .
  -Shiny Silver. . .
Tears. . .
  -So many tears. . .

Self-harm is something I truly never thought I would find.
I never thought that I could inflict so much physical pain on myself, when everyone saw me as the "baby" of the family.

You know, it's always been easier to be the cause of the pain. That way, you can actually stop the pain. But I didn't want to. I liked feeling the "real" pain. I didn't have access to drugs or alcohol, so I found something else to get addicted to.

At first it wasn't as bad.
One cut.
Then two.
Then three.
Then one whole top of my thigh.

I still didn't think it was bad.
I was oblivious.

Then something happened.
I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, Psychosis and PTSD.
So then, the cutting got worse because I couldn't stand the thought of being everyone's problem.
I couldn't stand the truth of what "I" was.
I was THE problem.

Everyone had to put their lives on hold.
For me. . .
I hated myself.

I was crying out for help, but I was invisible.
I was hidden in plain sight and I might as well have put on a show for my family.
Called, "Welcome to the Destruction of a Ghost!"
Because I was invisible!!!

Oh, but it was all my fault?


I eventually started to dissociate.
Meaning, I had no clue what I was doing or where I was.
I starting waking up with more throbbing wounds that I didn't remember.
I was in danger.

That's nothing.
The worst of it all was when I would dissociate AND have a psychotic episode.
The voices grew louder each day, until I cut deep enough to need stitches.
I never got those stitches.
I was still hidden in plain sight.

I. . .Finally. . .Got. . .Help!

Two years, 11 psych wards, and so much pain.

I've been clean for 4 months.
It's a battle that I fight everyday, but I'm a warrior with the proper training.

I've gotten rid of that awful medium on this canvas.

Now I express myself through the power of words, writing music, and putting my thoughts in to illustrated art!
I refuse to verbally tell anyone that things will get better because that's not my place! This is your journey and your story!
Nov 2019 · 36
Life in a Story
Destiny Nov 2019
-Once upon a time-

-The End-

Sometimes it's not worth telling your story.
Not everyone deserves to hear your struggles and mishaps.
There will always be someone who will take your story and twist it around.
They'll make you look weak.
They'll make you want to give up.
They'll make you push those you love away.
They'll haunt you.

They'll get their revenge!
They'll face Karma!
They'll see just how much they hurt you!
They'll finally see!

Be careful who you open up to. It's okay to open up, just don't get hurt. You got this! Show them.
Nov 2019 · 30
Destiny Nov 2019
I get it!
I really get it!

Most days I heard, "Hey Fatty!" more than I heard, "Hello!"
Most days I looked in the mirror at my biggest enemy.
Most days I just cried.

I never understood how someone could just look at me and tell me that I'm fat.
I am not blind.
I KNOW THAT I'M FAT and I don't need you to point it out for the 20th time today!!!
I really do know that I'm fat and I wish I could change it.

I tried to change it.
By starving myself.
By forcing my fingers to the back of my throat.
By exercising until I passed out.

Please stop reminding me!
Please stop haunting my thoughts with those hateful words!
Please think before you speak!

I realized that starving myself wasn't helping and I was just in pain because of how hungry I was.

I realized that making myself ***** wasn't helping either, I would just cry because I knew that the food in my stomach was getting absorbed.

I realized that exercising until I passed out wasn't right, but I wasn't going to stop.

The suicide attempts.
Just because I wasn't thin enough.
Just because I let myself eat more that one rice cake.
Just because no one believed me.
Just because I hated myself.
Just because of you!

I get it!
I really get it!
I'm fed up!

I am enough just the way I am!
I am enough no matter what you think!
I am enough because I'm me!

So please, stop calling us "FAT", we know and we see us even bigger than you see us.
Just stop.
We are nice and friendly, just give us a chance!
Nov 2019 · 17
Destiny Nov 2019
If you are FAT, they judge you.
If you are SKINNY, they judge you.
If you are PRETTY, they judge you.
If you are UGLY, they judge you.
If you LIVE, they judge you.
If you DIE, "***, they were such a good person. I miss them so much!"

Another one by my niece!
Nov 2019 · 45
5 truths
Destiny Nov 2019
1 word can change everything
2 wrongs don't make a right, it doesn't make anything right
3 words can change a relationship "I love you"
4 people can change the world
5 truths can make a DIFFERENCE
Written by my niece!
Nov 2019 · 23
Faded Memories
Destiny Nov 2019

Sometimes, it just becomes too much!



Sometimes, it just haunts me!



Sometimes, I can't escape!



Sometimes, it hurts more than it should!

All the memories have seemed to fade, but always find its way back!

These memories don't really ever go away, they just linger.

They think that they're welcome.

They don't have a permanent home.

They shadow my every move!

Faded memories aren't very faded anymore...
Nov 2019 · 22
Fucked Up Masterpiece
Destiny Nov 2019
Hey, My name's Destiny!
I'm a ****** up MASTERPIECE!
You know what though?
That's okay!
It's okay to feel like you're ****** up!
I can promise you though that I'm a masterpiece.
Do you know what it means to be a masterpiece?
It means that I am priceless!
I am a warrior!
A lion!
A Goddess!
I've been through ****** up stuff, but I made a masterpiece from it all!

I'm just me!
Nov 2019 · 86
3 Wishes
Destiny Nov 2019
Wish 1: I wish I looked perfect in society's eyes.

(I mean, I look fine but the pressure I feel every step I take anywhere makes me feel like ****!)

Wish 2: I wish I could stop worrying.

(Worrying doesn't help and at this point I'm worrying about worrying!)

Wish 3: I wish I wasn't me.

(This doesn't need any explanation.)
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