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:(
Destiny Nov 2019
:(
I'm broken.
I'm weak.
I'm sad.
I'm angry.
I'm asamed.
Destiny Dec 2019
If
Only
My
Thoughts
Could
Disintegrate
Like
Spider-Man
Destiny Nov 2019
I hate food!
Noodles,
Fruits,
Vegetables,
Sweets,
Chips,
Meats,
I hate it all!
I don't want to eat any of it!
I don't want to chew it!
I don't want to swallow it!
I DON'T WANT IT!
I don't like the way I look and I swear on everything I'll change that!
If I have to starve, awesome I'll do that!
If I have to make myself *****, I'll do it!
If I have to work out until I've passed out, I will!
I don't want to gain any more weight!
I'm tired of being fat!
I'm tired of not looking cute in anything I wear!
I'm tired of crying myself to sleep because I feel so bad after eating!
AND I'M SO TIRED OF PEOPLE STARING AT ME!
I GET IT!
I'M FAT!
Stop reminding me!
I hate me more than you ever could, so just stop!
Doctors told me that I was too fat to have a problem with food!
DOCTORS!
Why God, did you have to make me this way?
I'm not pretty!
People cringe when they see me!
I can't even eat in front of my best friends anymore without my eyes tearing up!
WHY!
I want to love myself, but I can't!
I can't because I'm too fat!
I want to be pretty
Like all these other girls I see!
I want to be able to share clothes with my friends
Instead of turning bright red when they offer to trade, but remember my size!
I want to be cold
Instead of being so fat that I'm always hot!
I want to be able to eat without judgment
Instead of eating a piece of my birthday cake and staring around the room just knowing someone is watching me!
I will do anything at this point to not gain weight!
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT GOES THROUGH MY HEAD!
NO ONE KNOWS WHAT I HEAR ALL DAY LONG!
NO ONE KNOWS!
Destiny Nov 2019
Wish 1: I wish I looked perfect in society's eyes.

(I mean, I look fine but the pressure I feel every step I take anywhere makes me feel like ****!)

Wish 2: I wish I could stop worrying.

(Worrying doesn't help and at this point I'm worrying about worrying!)

Wish 3: I wish I wasn't me.

(This doesn't need any explanation.)
Destiny Nov 2019
1 word can change everything
2 wrongs don't make a right, it doesn't make anything right
3 words can change a relationship "I love you"
4 people can change the world
5 truths can make a DIFFERENCE
Written by my niece!
Destiny Jan 24
Logical Mind = LM
OCD Mind =  OCDM

LM: Today is going to be a regular day.

OCDM: What do you mean today is going to be a "regular" day? You have so much to do and you can't have any disruptions!

LM: I need to wake up, go to class, sweep, do laundry, do dishes, and do homework. All regular things.

OCDM: You need to wake up 2 hours early, just to make sure you are fully awake. You need to go to class and you NEED to be the first one there. You HAVE to sweep 2 times in the correct order. You HAVE to do laundry, but make sure the dials are exactly in the same spot each time. You HAVE to do the dishes, but don't forget to scrub each dish 3 times, you don't want those germs to hurt other people and you know it won't feel right if you only scrub once then rinse. You HAVE to do your homework, but don't forget to rewrite your notes 2 times to makes sure you didn't miss anything and that you wrote perfectly. DON'T MESS THIS UP TODAY!

LM: Oh! I can't forget my personal hygiene. Take a shower, brush my teeth, wash my face, and wash my hands.

OCDM: You cannot forget hygiene! You HAVE to take a long shower to make sure you are clean. Scrub everywhere 10 times, but don't unbalance it. You HAVE to brush your teeth 2 times and make sure to go in the same direction and order everytime or you HAVE to restart. You HAVE to wash your face 2 times so you know your face is super clean, if you mess up, you HAVE to restart. DO NOT FORGET TO WASH YOUR HANDS! Wash them 3 times in the same motion or you HAVE to restart.

LM: Regular day. Regular day. Regular day.

OCDM: You CANNOT have a "regular" day until you know 100% that you did everything correctly!
Destiny Feb 22
today i wanted to be perfect yesterday i wanted to be perfect i always want to be perfect but if i was perfect what would god be.
Destiny Mar 26
Me: Hey mom! Do you remember that style of shoe I wore for years?

Mom: No honey, that was a long time ago.
------------------------------------------------------------­---------------------------------
Me: Hey mom! Do you remember doing my make-up for my 8th grade dance?

Mom: No, I was too out if it then.
-----------------------------------------------------------­----------------------------------
Me: Gets reverse cared played on me

Mom: Hey, uh, you don't remember seeing me in the bathroom back then right?

Me: Oh no mom! I let you have your privacy. I didn't want to intrude.

Me: In my head I remember everything...
---------------------------------------------------­------------------------------------------
Dear Mom,
     I remember EVERYTHING! The drugs, the stealing, and the lying...we all remember mom! I will never understand why you are the way you are. You picked favorites and basically said "*******!" to all your other children. You even stated that there's no reason for you to keep your sobriety all because your "Number 1 Son" doesn't want anything to do with you! You said that you have nothing else to stay clean for...WHAT ABOUT YOUR OTHER CHILDREN! I'm so angry with you! All the **** I did for you! Just for you to throw away being a mother! What's new though huh? Why did I expect any different? Why did I ever believe in you? Why did I think you would change and defended you when others said you would fail? Why couldn't you just have been a regular ******* mom! I hate you mom! I wish you had never had children because you don't deserve to see our joy after you talk **** about us and tear us down! I'll forgive you, but I'm so mad at you!
------------------------------------------------------------­---------------------------------
There's a mother's love that I long to have that I will NEVER have...

What a mother's love...to just give up on your children.

Thanks mom.
Destiny May 5
Anxiety attacks make me feel like I ran a marathon entirely by myself with no water.

Anxiety attacks make me remember, actually forget how to breathe.

Anxiety attacks remind me that I HAVE anxiety

Anxiety that sometimes I feel like I can't escape from.
Destiny Jul 2019
1...
1...2...
1...2...3...
Stop. Breathe!
1...
1...2...
1...2...3...
DESTINY! BREATHE! IT'S OKAY, YOU'RE SAFE!

I relive that very session pretty frequently. My therapist was absolutely amazing and I'm so glad she knew how to get me out of that moment. I can't really express how it felt other than feeling paralyzed, but not actually being paralyzed. PTSD is what is was and it was terrifying. Actually it was beyond terrifying. I didn't want to leave her office. I didn't want to walk to my ride. I didn't want to do anything. It shocked my whole family because they were confused as to why I was all of a sudden afraid to be alone. That's where the anxiety really started to become major anxiety. That's when I actually had to spend a whole day in the ER because my chest was hurting so badly, I thought I was dying. It was there I was told it was just a bruised sternum. Now I know so much more about my surroundings and how to find the inner me where I don't really experience that level of terror anymore, which is great.

Psychologists are amazing if you are willing to stick it out and find the right one.

I'm starting college soon and I actually want to be a Psychologist because of all the trauma in my life.

Thanks to all those who support mental illness's and I hope that the stigmas will change.
Destiny Nov 2019
I can't stand to hear or watch someone *****,
but I'll ***** if it means my stomach doesn't absorb food.

Thin!
Skinny!
Thin!
Skinny!
Thin!
Skinny!

THAT'S ALL I HEAR!
Destiny Dec 2019
When that first tear rolls down your cheek burning, you know you've held it in for too long.
The pleading. . .
The begging. . .
The screaming. . .
The tear-stained pillows. . .
PLEASE, LORD!
Please. . .
Help me!

Where do I belong?
Why can't I die already?
Why do you still want me here?
How can I better serve you?
How do I know others really care?

I've gotten so used to trusting people only for them to hurt me.
People hurt me without even realizing it.

GOD, I'm trying to make it work. . .
Destiny Nov 2019
My body is a canvas.
A canvas of many different mediums.
Some great.
Some awful.

How could art be awful?

This medium involved Scarlett. . .
  -Bright Scarlett. . .
Silver. . .
  -Shiny Silver. . .
Tears. . .
  -So many tears. . .

Self-harm is something I truly never thought I would find.
I never thought that I could inflict so much physical pain on myself, when everyone saw me as the "baby" of the family.

You know, it's always been easier to be the cause of the pain. That way, you can actually stop the pain. But I didn't want to. I liked feeling the "real" pain. I didn't have access to drugs or alcohol, so I found something else to get addicted to.

At first it wasn't as bad.
One cut.
Then two.
Then three.
Then one whole top of my thigh.

I still didn't think it was bad.
I was oblivious.

Then something happened.
I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Generalized Anxiety, Psychosis and PTSD.
So then, the cutting got worse because I couldn't stand the thought of being everyone's problem.
I couldn't stand the truth of what "I" was.
I was THE problem.

Everyone had to put their lives on hold.
For me. . .
I hated myself.

I was crying out for help, but I was invisible.
I was hidden in plain sight and I might as well have put on a show for my family.
Called, "Welcome to the Destruction of a Ghost!"
Because I was invisible!!!

Oh, but it was all my fault?

How?

I eventually started to dissociate.
Meaning, I had no clue what I was doing or where I was.
I starting waking up with more throbbing wounds that I didn't remember.
I was in danger.

Oh!
That's nothing.
The worst of it all was when I would dissociate AND have a psychotic episode.
The voices grew louder each day, until I cut deep enough to need stitches.
I never got those stitches.
I was still hidden in plain sight.

I. . .Finally. . .Got. . .Help!

Two years, 11 psych wards, and so much pain.

I've been clean for 4 months.
It's a battle that I fight everyday, but I'm a warrior with the proper training.

I've gotten rid of that awful medium on this canvas.

Now I express myself through the power of words, writing music, and putting my thoughts in to illustrated art!
I refuse to verbally tell anyone that things will get better because that's not my place! This is your journey and your story!
Destiny Dec 2019
People are imperfect.
Destiny Jul 2019
Okay.
So, like I love my family, but they are the most toxic people in my life.
So, like I love being happy, but being happy only means that bad things are to come.
So, like I love my smile, but that's the only thing I like about my appearance.
So, like I love having friends, but that only means I have to socialize and show my body in public and how awkward I am.

Okay.
Now that I have you all intrigued at the fact that I am trying to impress myself within society, here's the real deal...

I do love my family and they are toxic, but what does that mean?
That means that even though I wish to escape the abuse, I have to stick around because of my attachment issues that come with having borderline personality disorder...it simply means I'm trapped.

I do love being happy and it is true that it means bad things will come. I'm also really terrified of being happy though because all my life it's been confusion and chaos that I've gotten comfortable with. Hospital stays, suicide attempts, medication changes, and staying in bed until I was sore!

I do love my smile and it is the only thing I like about my appearance. Hmm...why? " You are so beautiful just the way you are!" "God made you how he needs you." Look, I get it, I shouldn't worry about what I look like but how can I help it when everywhere I look I see "perfect?"
At first I didn't eat for one meal, then two, then a whole day, and then 36 hours. It slowly turned into me eating "normally" then getting rid of it by shoving ******* down my throat hoping my gag reflex would wake up...now I gag just swallowing food. I don't get rid of the food any more, I'm getting help and realizing that food is not bad. I'm trying to accept myself for me...not for anyone else.

I love my friends...I really do, but society scares me into thinking that my friends don't love me. Social anxiety is something that I'm actually not diagnosed with but I should be. I mean when I have to take a tangle into the grocery store just to get milk and I skip plans with friends because I'm afraid of getting hurt by other people...I think I have social anxiety along with generalized anxiety where I'm scared and worried about everything!
I'm okay...this came out of nowhere, but I'm proud and I hope y'all enjoy!!! Let me know if you could relate to any of this!
Destiny Nov 2019
I find myself trying to hide way too often. . .
Tonight I was hanging out with my favorite kid on the planet.
I have to be a role model for her. . .
Always!
It's really difficult!
Especially on a night like tonight.
I am really struggling to eat properly and feel a certain way when I'm eating, but tonight was especially hard.
I ate my food fast so I couldn't think about how it made me feel in that moment.
I was on the verge of crying. . .
I had to hold it in with all my strength to make sure she didn't see me cry over food.
I don't want her to be afraid of food.
I want her to love her body and to not have someone hurt her.
I want to love my body
I want to stop thinking about food constantly

I hate food
Destiny Dec 2019
What if crying made you a superhero?
Not for others but for yourself?
For you to be able to see that you are indeed a strong badass of an individual!
I wish I thought of myself as such. . .
Destiny Oct 2019
Expectations.
Standards.
Rules.
Conditions and Catches.

Listen up Eating Disorders!

Your expectations are contradictory! You want girls to feel so ashamed of their bodies that they starve and shove their fingers down their throat so that they'll live to be happy. You know better than anyone though that really, you just want us laying in our deathbeds.

Your standards are stupid! You think you can put each individual girl into one category. A category that is labeled "so-skinny-each-individual-bone-pops-out-with-no-effort."

Your rules are torture! Rule 1: Exercise until you pass out. Rule 2: Start off "in reason" with restriction. Rule 3: Cut out all processed foods. Rule 4: "You like what you see?" Keep going! Rule 5: Why not cut out all food! Rule 6: Develop fear foods. Rule 7: Eat everything because you're so hungry your insides are burning. Rule 8: Oh no! You can't gain weight! Go shove your fingers down your throat! You must get rid of the food! Rule 9: Restrict again because you can't see anything but a monster when you look in to the mirror. Rule 10: Speaking or mirror, do at least 3 body checks a day. How big is your waist? Can you wrap your fingers around your wrists? Do you have a thigh gap? Rule 11: Cry for hours because you "accidentally" looked at the scale for the 20th time today. Rule 12: Start over and repeat until you end up in the hospital. "You'll never be sick enough though!"

You conditions and catches confuse us! You have these conditions, but there's always a catch! "You can have that one candy bar, but you must lose 13 pounds this month!" "You will be happy when you reach your goal weight, but you should set a second and third goal weight just in case!" "You will have so many friends when you're actually underweight, but you must lose all the ones you love now first!" "You can get help, but it'll make you feel worse because then you'll see that you're weak!"

ENOUGH!

I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

What do you want from me?
Why am I not good enough now?
Why do I have to wear a size 00?
When will you stop killing all these sweet girls who just want to love themselves?
When will we stop hearing you yell at us because we want to go out to eat with our family and friends.
Why can't you stop casting all your imperfections on all these perfectly imperfect girls?
Why do you feel like you're not enough?

                                           Sincerely, We-Are-Enough

I'm enough.
I'm enough at any size!
Yes I'm obese.
Yes I want to be smaller, but I have to do it healthily and without the guidance of "Ana" or "Mia" or "Ed!"
Ana, Mia, and Ed will only tell you lies.
Lies that will tear you apart!
You must listen to those around you who want to help you!
I know it's hard, but it's worth it.
Happiness is real and possible, but these eating disorders don't know what happiness is!
You are enough!
You are perfect at every size!
You are so much stronger than this illness!
You are not weak for eating a granola in fact, you're not weak for eating a pint of ice cream!
It'll all fall into place.
This illness will not take you!
I promise, you are enough!
Destiny Jul 2019
Disappointment hurts more than anything.
Actually, no scratch that. "Feeling" like a disappointment hurts more than anything. Honestly, I feel like my whole life is a disappointment...but not because of me, but because of life in general. Life isn't fair and it won't ever be. Miracles happen, but you have to have your eyes open to see them. My eyes have been forced shut. Forcefully shut by society. A society that no longer has faith. None. Me, I have faith. And I've read that the smallest faith will move mountains. The mountain in front of me; disappointment. Waking up daily knowing that the smallest thing can cause any disappointment. From who? My loved ones. My mother. My Stepdad. My brothers. Everyone. Oh, you can't get out bed today because you are so overwhelmed; DISAPPOINTMENT! Oh, you want to move out and spread your wings; DISAPPOINTMENT! Oh, your alive today; DISAPPOINTMENT! Sorry that last bit might've been a little excessive, but sometimes the letters and words just flow like they were meant to be spoken, typed, or written.
Destiny Nov 2019
Hi, it's me again.
It's your daughter.
I know you are in Heaven, but do you remember me?
Do you remember when you would sing to me without mom knowing?
Do you remember that last time I told you I loved you?
Do you remember THAT day?
The day that it all changed?
The day that I was pulled off you?
I miss you.
I really miss you.
I need one of your hugs!
I need you.
Sincerely, Your Daughter
Destiny Dec 2019
My dreams used to be my escape from all the hurt but now I can't stop thinking about food, even while sleeping.
Destiny Nov 2019
Today I felt a sense of Euphoria that I shouldn't want to feel
A pleasurable feeling that will only haunt me
This brain inside my skull is sick
This brain inside my skull is terrified
This brain inside my skull does not want to get better
Not today
Not tomorrow
But maybe the next day
As I was walking down the sidewalk
Heading to my next class
I noticed that feeling
That Euphoria in my head
I kept having to pull my black jeans up past my waist
Normally I would have to
But today I had to hold them as I walked
They kept slipping to the very spot that I wish to feel my hip bones
It made me feel. . .so. . .good. . .
Destiny Nov 2019
F
Fa
Fad
Fade
Faded

M
Me
Mem
Memo
Memor
Memori
Memorie
Memories
­
Sometimes, it just becomes too much!

F
Fa
Fad
Fade
Faded

M
Me
Mem
Memo
Memor
Memori
Memorie
Me­mories

Sometimes, it just haunts me!

F
Fa
Fad
Fade
Faded

M
Me
Mem
Memo
Memor
Memori
Memorie
Memo­ries

Sometimes, I can't escape!

F
Fa
Fad
Fade
Faded

M
Me
Mem
Memo
Memor
Memori
Memorie
­Memories

Sometimes, it hurts more than it should!

All the memories have seemed to fade, but always find its way back!

These memories don't really ever go away, they just linger.

They think that they're welcome.

They don't have a permanent home.

They shadow my every move!

Faded memories aren't very faded anymore...
Destiny Jan 13
Fairytales are so morbidly twisted that we actually believe in happy endings.

Sad endings are realistic. . .
Angry endings are realistic. . .
Confusing endings are realistic. . .
Dumb endings are realistic. . .
Scary endings are realistic. . .

STOP TELLING ME THAT EVERY FAIRYTALE HAS A HAPPY ENDING!!!
Destiny Jan 13
I fall apart in the middle of the night when no one can hear my heart cry.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when no one can see tears rolling down my face.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I think my prayers become boomerangs.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I think about how I am going to pretend I'm okay the next day.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I feel alone.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I wake up from that stupid nightmare. . .again.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when my eyes burn from the toxic tears.

I fall apart in the middle of the night because then I'm free to explode quietly.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I know it's safe to fall apart.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I feel the urge to write my next note.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when my friends aren't there to catch me.

I fall apart in the middle of the night because I can!
FAT
Destiny Nov 2019
FAT
I get it!
I really get it!

Most days I heard, "Hey Fatty!" more than I heard, "Hello!"
Most days I looked in the mirror at my biggest enemy.
Most days I just cried.

I never understood how someone could just look at me and tell me that I'm fat.
I am not blind.
I KNOW THAT I'M FAT and I don't need you to point it out for the 20th time today!!!
I really do know that I'm fat and I wish I could change it.

I tried to change it.
By starving myself.
By forcing my fingers to the back of my throat.
By exercising until I passed out.

I GET IT!
I'M FAT!
Please stop reminding me!
Please stop haunting my thoughts with those hateful words!
Please think before you speak!
Please!

I realized that starving myself wasn't helping and I was just in pain because of how hungry I was.

I realized that making myself ***** wasn't helping either, I would just cry because I knew that the food in my stomach was getting absorbed.

I realized that exercising until I passed out wasn't right, but I wasn't going to stop.

The suicide attempts.
Just because I wasn't thin enough.
Just because I let myself eat more that one rice cake.
Just because no one believed me.
Just because I hated myself.
Just because of you!

I get it!
I really get it!
I'm fed up!

I am enough just the way I am!
I am enough no matter what you think!
I am enough because I'm me!

So please, stop calling us "FAT", we know and we see us even bigger than you see us.
Just stop.
We are nice and friendly, just give us a chance!
Destiny Mar 30
I'm afraid of fire.

I'm afraid of the fire that blazes and melts flesh.

I'm afraid of the fire I feel in my cheeks when I'm embarrassed.

I'm afraid of the fire on the inside when I'm angry.

I'm afraid of the fire in my mind when I sleep.

I'm afraid of the fire on the inside when I'm sad

BUT MOST OF ALL, I'M AFRAID OF THE FIRE I FEEL ON MY SKIN WHEN I HAVE EXTREME URGES

My scars scream...
My skin crawls...
My head spins...

Please go away.
Please go away.
Please go away.

I say it as though I'm calm...

PLEASE GO AWAY!
PLEASE GO AWAY!
PLEASE GO AWAY!

When I should say it like this...

I'm such a failure to myself.
If I pick up the razor, everything I just worked towards will disappear.
I will become homeless.
I will actually have no one.
I won't have anything to live for, which would give me and excuse for suicide being the answer.
I say NO!
SUICIDE IS NOT WORTH IT!
Suicide only kills others on the inside.
Suicide only kills the dreams of your family.
Suicide doesn't even **** you!

You think that if you **** yourself that everyone you've ever met and loved will forget about you.

You think that the memory of you is dead and that's why you think it's okay to kills yourself, when in reality your memory will become more prominent.

You think that nothing will matter to anyone when you breath your last breath, but you don't understand that everything following your suicide will matter more than ever.

You think that this is it...that you'll be in pain for the rest of your life.

Your life is going to be so beautiful!

Yes, you'll have your ups and downs, but so what? You've been through so many of those already!

Stay strong!

Even if it's for your pet fish...
Or your favorite stuffed animal...
Or your favorite TV show to come out with a new season...
Or you to order your favorite food...
Or for you to dance in the rain...
Or for you to make your very first Doctors appointment on your own...
Or to meet the love of your life...
Or to stroll downtown...
Or to go to the fanciest place ever...
Or to ride a helicopter...
Or to go fishing for the first time...
Or to get married...
Or to have your first baby...
Or to go swimming with dolphins...

I could go on and on with this list on why you should go on with your life.

You never know what tomorrow will bring.

Things will eventually get better.
Destiny Nov 2019
I am ashamed of how much I've let myself fall. . .
I am angry at myself for not talking about it. . .
I am hurt that my brain could betray me so much. . .
I am guilty of keeping so many secrets. . .
I am disgusted at the things my brain tells me. . .

I didn't choose this. . .
I didn't ask to be so messed up in my mind. . .
I didn't hurt anyone the way I've been hurt. . .
I didn't ask for my family to do the things they did. . .
I didn't want to make people worry. . .

I'm sorry for trying so hard to disappoint you. . .
I'm sorry for thinking the thoughts I think. . .
I'm sorry I'm not perfect. . .
I'm sorry for lying. . .
I'm sorry for being me at this point. . .

I can't help feeling anxious. . .
I can't help feeling depressed. . .
I can't help being afraid to gain weight. . .
I can't help feeling euphoric when my ED type thoughts win. . .
I can't help feeling hate towards myself for being super overweight. . .

I want to see my collar bones. . .
I want my clothes to continue falling off. . .
I want to see that I lost five pounds every weigh in. . .
I want to be cute. . .
I want to be sick if it means I lose weight. . .

I am sick. . .
I am confused. . .
I am scared. . .
I am dumb. . .
I am stupid. . .

Please forgive me, as I sit here pointing out every flaw. . .
Destiny Nov 2019
Hey, My name's Destiny!
I'm a ****** up MASTERPIECE!
You know what though?
That's okay!
It's okay to feel like you're ****** up!
I can promise you though that I'm a masterpiece.
Do you know what it means to be a masterpiece?
It means that I am priceless!
I am a warrior!
A lion!
A Goddess!
I've been through ****** up stuff, but I made a masterpiece from it all!
A MASTERPIECE!

I'm just me!
Destiny Nov 2019
Do you ever walk around fantasizing about grass talking, because SAME!
Gum
Destiny Nov 2019
Gum
I chew gum to make the anxiety vanish
The panic instantly comes back the second I think about the whole 5 calories this gum in my mouth has. . .
Spits out gum
I also chew gum to stop the hunger pains, or at least I pretend that the hunger pains go away. . .
Spits out gum
I no longer feel interrupted when asked to share the gum in the small zipper pocket of my backpack. . .
I have become the gum giver.
Destiny Mar 2019
The darkness that surrounds me is the darkest its ever been.
Each day I'm struggling to find myself in the wind.
Too often I feel alone even though I've got an army.
The labels I'm known for will never truly be put on me.
The light at the end of the tunnel doesn't seem bright enough.
Each waking moment becomes more rough.
Each step I take I fall to my knees.
I'm begging for help, PLEASE!
Destiny Nov 2019
I stopped telling them.

How I felt. . .
What was going on in my head. . .
How much I hated myself. . .
What I was thinking cognitively. . .

I feel so small and fragile.
I feel lost.
I feel out of control.
I feel stupid.
I feel helpless.
I feel confused.

In my head I see this perfect image!
In my head I see pain!
In my head I feel pressure!
In my head I am weak!
In my head I am pretending!
In my head I hate everything!

I hate my thoughts.
I hate my smile.
I hate my laugh.
I hate my feet.
I hate how kind I am to people.
I hate myself as a whole.

All I think about is food. . .
Can I get away with skipping a meal?
How can I pretend to eat enough for me to be full?
Can I get away with purging?
How many calories is in that?
Why can't I have the willpower to just stop eating?

This is how I'm doing, yet I'm so terrified that I'll get looked at like a joke again.

I don't think I'm as ready for recovery as I thought I was. . .
I'm trying to figure out how to get the help I need, but I can't get "help" without insurance so I am writing through it.
Destiny Nov 2019
Hey mom, you are TOXIC.
Hey mom, you are EVIL.
Hey mom, you are BITTER.
Hey mom, you are SAD.
Hey mom, you are ANGRY.
Hey mom, you are GUILTY.
Hey mom, I FORGIVE YOU.

It still hurts though!
Destiny May 6
The reason I was suicidal was not because I hated my life.

I was suicidal because I already felt dead.

I was suicidal because I didn't think I could feel anymore dead by actually being dead.

That is how you know that someone battling suicidal thoughts isn't being selfish.

They think in all reality that they would be doing the world a true favor.

Trust me.
Destiny Nov 2019
No one is going to look at me and think, "**** she's hot!" or "Bro I want her!"
You know why?
Because I'm fat and that's not cute!
Destiny Nov 2019
I hate you!

When you talk about me behind my back!
When you laugh at the way I turn red when I'm nervous!
When you look at me in disgust!
When you judge my weight!
When you say, "How could she get that huge?"
When you say, "I'm glad I'm not fat!"

I hate you!

When you tell me I look beautiful!
When you tell me I look good in my outfit!
When you seem concerned if I've eaten or not!
When you tell me I am perfect just the way I am!

I hate you!

When you ask me if I want your leftovers!
When you look at me asking if I really need seconds!
When you convince me to buy a salad!
When you drag me into stores that are not made for my size!
When you ask for my jacket because it's like a blanket to you!
When you look through my clothes!
When you hold my shirt to your body as if it's a dress!
When you ask me if I want a crop-top!

I hate you!

Everywhere I look, I see perfection!
Everywhere I go, I feel everyone's eyes piercing into my soul!
Everywhere I go, I hate myself more and more!

You don't care. . .
You tell me I'm being selfish. . .
You tell me to think about everyone else when in fact, I already do think about everyone!
You tell me I'm fine!

I am fine. . .

Until I don't eat for days. . .

Or my knuckles are bruised. . .

Or my throat hurts. . .

Or I just stop everything. . .

I HATE YOU!!!
Destiny Nov 2019
i know what it's like when you've smile so much, it starts to hurt
i know what it's like when you've cried so much, it starts to burn
Destiny Feb 22
My crooked teeth are imperfect.
My weight is imperfect.
My skin is imperfect.
My thought process is imperfect.
My actions can be imperfect.
I am imperfect.

My teeth help me smile, which people love!
My weight just means I'm better to hug and cuddle!
My skin makes me different, which is always okay!
My thought process is just more advanced and sincere!
My actions are a result of chemical imbalances!
I am okay with being imperfect because imperfections make me who I am!
Destiny Jan 14
Offenders Name: Destiny

Location of Unit: Prison of Minds, Suicide Town

Charges: Any and Every Mental Illness

Time Sentenced: Life

Cell: Suicide Wing 101

Visitation Rights: All Who Actually Care
Destiny Mar 2019
As a child I thought everything was "normal". I thought I was invisible...just a passing soul. I thought the yelling I heard was just as effective as talking. I thought the coffee cups that hit the floor we're meant to shatter. I thought I was important. I thought I was smart. I thought that the separation was a vacation. I thought that the word "****" meant "I loved you" because I heard it so much. I thought it was "normal." I thought every slap or punch was a joke. I thought I was the one to be protected. I thought I was the good one. I thought the "drugs" we're actually helping. I thought the bullies would stop when I broke down. I thought I had friends. I thought it was "normal." I thought **** wasn't a real thing until it happened to me. I thought I was the problem. I thought you loved me. I thought the first time I wanted to die, I really wanted to die, but now I want to live!!!
Destiny Nov 2019
Let's go away.
To a place of peace.
To a safe place.
A place where there is no evil.
Where there is no fear.
Let's go.
Now!

We never went.
It got too late.
You backed out.
You were scared, which is why we were going.
You disappeared.
I have to go.
Now!

I stayed.
To visit you.
To share my love with you.
To hold your hand.
Let's go.
We can still go.
Now!

We went.
Both of us.
You left before me when you jumped.
I came to where you are when I swallowed them all.
We are together.
Now!
This isn't a true event that happened. It's just a fantasy.
Destiny Nov 2019
Dear Self Hatred,

Could you leave me alone? I'd really appreciate it!

                                                                 ~ Sincerely, one lonely gal
Destiny Oct 2019
I was 15.
I was a freshman in high school.
I had just moved to a new school for the last 6 weeks.
I had just moved in with my adoptive family.
I was very vulnerable.
I was quiet.
I was scared.
I was a joke to everyone.
I was a disappointment.

Some context would be nice I'm sure.

I was *****.
I was in pain mentally and physically.
I was terrified of people.
I was taken advantage of because I was a ******.
I was once clean.
I felt *****.
I felt numb for the most part.
I was called a liar.
I was just a kid.

The worst part was that it was family.

I was the sister.
I was misunderstood.
I was confused.
I was ashamed of myself.
I thought it was the end for me.
I wanted to know what death felt like.
I tied things around my neck.
I swallowed hand fulls.
I was one wrong move from actually jumping.

Nothing I did made me happy anymore.

I went to a hospital.
I went to another hospital.
I went again.
I went a fourth time.
I went a fifth time.
I went a sixth time.
I went a seventh time.
I went an eighth time.
I'm sure you get the pattern.

It all literally made me a waste of space because I was a zombie.

Medication.
Sleep.
Hatred.
Anger.
Sadness.
Fear.
Disappo­intment.
Shame.
Confusion.

You name it and I felt it.

I didn't think that things would ever get better.
I didn't love myself.
I cared way too much about the number on the scale.
I starved myself.
I made my throat a new home for my fingers.
I sliced my skin.
I gave myself bruises.
I banged my head against the wall.
I tortured myself daily.

It never crossed my mind that I was hurting those I love.

I felt like the world was crumbling at my feet.
I felt alone.
I thought my life was in slow motion.
I stopped smiling.
I couldn't hear the birds sing.
I always just saw gray.
I couldn't smell the rain.
I didn't want anyone to be happy.
I wanted everyone to feel what I was feeling.

The journey was long, but worth it.

I'm living life.
I see that my body is imperfectly imperfect.
I don't focus on my flaws anymore.
I got rid of the scale.
I learned to love.
I'm in college.
I'm living in my own place.
I have support.
I am enough.

The road is so very long, but not everlasting.

You'll get through this!
You'll find who you are!
You'll learn to love yourself!
You'll enjoy life!
You'll impact others who need you!
You'll find the love of your life!
You'll find where you belong in this world!
You'll grow through what you go through!
You'll make it, I promise!

I am a survivor!
You are a survivor!
I'm okay! This has been burning inside me for a while so here you go!
Destiny Nov 2019
-Once upon a time-

-The End-

Sometimes it's not worth telling your story.
Not everyone deserves to hear your struggles and mishaps.
There will always be someone who will take your story and twist it around.
They'll make you look weak.
They'll make you want to give up.
They'll make you push those you love away.
They'll haunt you.

They'll get their revenge!
They'll face Karma!
They'll see just how much they hurt you!
They'll finally see!

Be careful who you open up to. It's okay to open up, just don't get hurt. You got this! Show them.
Destiny Nov 2019
If you are FAT, they judge you.
If you are SKINNY, they judge you.
If you are PRETTY, they judge you.
If you are UGLY, they judge you.
If you LIVE, they judge you.
If you DIE, "***, they were such a good person. I miss them so much!"



RIP
Another one by my niece!
Destiny Nov 2019
Lonely is just an understatement.
And saying that it's an understatement just sounds like an exaggeration, but I'm so serious.
What's even worse, is the fact that I have absolutely no reason to feel so lonely.
I know that so many people love me!
I know that I have so many reasons to be happy, but I just can't convince the part of me that thinks it's all a lie.
My mind makes me so exhausted!
Why can't I see myself as others do?
Why can't I love myself?
As I'm sitting here in my bed, I can't help but feel like I'm drowning!
I want the loneliness to go away!
Please go away!
MIA
Destiny Nov 2019
MIA
So I titled this MIA to mean "Missing In Action," But I'm struggling with bulimia type stuff and this specific eating disorder is referred to as MIA. . .Wow.

Anyways, I haven't been on the writing grind as much and it really *****. The reason being that I'm tired of writing about food!

That's all I have right now. . .
Destiny Nov 2019
I'm broken inside like a mirror
Every small piece showing a different distorted story
I'm broken like a dropped ceramic bowl
Pieces so small they'll never be found
Until you step on them
Feeling every small fragment of your emotions piercing your soul
With uncontrollable anger you run
Pushing the pain deeper and deeper
Until you're satisfied with it being concealed
Then you explode
This pain is just too unbearable
This pain won't stay where it was created
This pain left scars
Not the ones I gave myself
But the ones I didn't ask for
The ones I didn't deserve
The ones that left me sad
This sadness is a mixture of natural disasters
A tornado of feelings thrown around
A hurricane with a facade that things get better until they don't
Looking around I see perfection
Looking at myself I see a monster
I see self-hatred
I see her
The girl that just wants to be pretty
The girl that just wants to be skinny
The girl that just wants to be held
The girl that just wants to be herself
Society's pressure is crushing her slowly
Her body is no longer a temple
It is ruins
Ruins of helplessness
Ruins of confusion
Ruins of I-don't-care-anymore
Her eyes ever changing like evergreen
Her eyes that sting from toxic tears
Her eyes that people love
Her smile that changes every mood
Her smile that no longer shines
Her smile disappears
She laughs at the word recovery
She mocks every letter
She hates food
Just as much as herself
She only feels full when she's empty
She's accomplished if she didn't finish
Skip one meal
Okay
Skip two
Fine
But skip all three and someone will know
Her secret is no longer a secret
She is exposed
She has to hide now
To protect her beloved relapse
Ew
Relapse
A word your therapist never wants to hear
Because now they actually have to help you
A word that begs for treatment
A word that begs for attention
She's a queen of a fallen thrown
Overtaken by the King himself
The man who calls himself ED
ED thinks he controls me
And I'm almost fully convinced that he has won
He has all the control
As I plead no more
His power gets stronger and stronger
While I become weaker and weaker
Simply shattered
Like that mirror that is still broken
The mirror that sees my pain
The mirror that I hate so much
But is ironically the only one I trust
That mirror must see beauty somewhere within me
I am just not looking quite clear enough to see her shining
Shining with unique beauty
Beauty that comes purely from inside
My spirit that burns brighter than any social media screen
The screen that has monopolized my mind
The screen that taught me to hate myself
The screen that reflects that broken mirror
Destroyed by me
First SLAM Poetry Piece!
Let me know what you think!
Destiny Jul 2019
What he should've been:
a protector...
a mentor...
a body guard...
a role model...
a leader...
a supporter...
a loving brother...

What he's been:
a predator...
a bad influence...
a target thrower...
a pushover...
a follower...
a hater...
a brother who used me...

I'm the only daughter in a family full of men and my oldest brother living at home thought I was the perfect target for ****** assault.

****...I do not like the word **** and quite frankly it is overused and joked about too often!!!

One day I will feel the justice I deserve...it will not be from his mouth or my mothers mouth or anyone else's mouth, but MINE! Mine is all that matters!!! The validation coming from my lips...NOT HIS!!!

My older brother...his name is Robert, but I wish to secretly call him Bob just so I can gain a simple laugh and humiliate him in my mind...

My older brother...
My older brother is EVIL
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