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2.9k · Jul 2019
Disappointment
Destiny Jul 2019
Disappointment hurts more than anything.
Actually, no scratch that. "Feeling" like a disappointment hurts more than anything. Honestly, I feel like my whole life is a disappointment...but not because of me, but because of life in general. Life isn't fair and it won't ever be. Miracles happen, but you have to have your eyes open to see them. My eyes have been forced shut. Forcefully shut by society. A society that no longer has faith. None. Me, I have faith. And I've read that the smallest faith will move mountains. The mountain in front of me; disappointment. Waking up daily knowing that the smallest thing can cause any disappointment. From who? My loved ones. My mother. My Stepdad. My brothers. Everyone. Oh, you can't get out bed today because you are so overwhelmed; DISAPPOINTMENT! Oh, you want to move out and spread your wings; DISAPPOINTMENT! Oh, your alive today; DISAPPOINTMENT! Sorry that last bit might've been a little excessive, but sometimes the letters and words just flow like they were meant to be spoken, typed, or written.
1.3k · Jul 2019
Soul
Destiny Jul 2019
a suicidal soul.
a lost soul.
a hopeless soul.
a dumb soul.
a useless soul.
a forgotten soul.
why would heaven want this soul?
765 · Jan 13
Fall Apart
Destiny Jan 13
I fall apart in the middle of the night when no one can hear my heart cry.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when no one can see tears rolling down my face.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I think my prayers become boomerangs.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I think about how I am going to pretend I'm okay the next day.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I feel alone.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I wake up from that stupid nightmare. . .again.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when my eyes burn from the toxic tears.

I fall apart in the middle of the night because then I'm free to explode quietly.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I know it's safe to fall apart.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when I feel the urge to write my next note.

I fall apart in the middle of the night when my friends aren't there to catch me.

I fall apart in the middle of the night because I can!
457 · Dec 2019
.~.~.~.~.
Destiny Dec 2019
If
Only
My
Thoughts
Could
Disintegrate
Like
Spider-Man
450 · Dec 2019
Dreams
Destiny Dec 2019
My dreams used to be my escape from all the hurt but now I can't stop thinking about food, even while sleeping.
366 · Nov 2019
:(
Destiny Nov 2019
:(
I'm broken.
I'm weak.
I'm sad.
I'm angry.
I'm asamed.
331 · Mar 2019
I thought it was "normal."
Destiny Mar 2019
As a child I thought everything was "normal". I thought I was invisible...just a passing soul. I thought the yelling I heard was just as effective as talking. I thought the coffee cups that hit the floor we're meant to shatter. I thought I was important. I thought I was smart. I thought that the separation was a vacation. I thought that the word "****" meant "I loved you" because I heard it so much. I thought it was "normal." I thought every slap or punch was a joke. I thought I was the one to be protected. I thought I was the good one. I thought the "drugs" we're actually helping. I thought the bullies would stop when I broke down. I thought I had friends. I thought it was "normal." I thought **** wasn't a real thing until it happened to me. I thought I was the problem. I thought you loved me. I thought the first time I wanted to die, I really wanted to die, but now I want to live!!!
331 · Mar 2019
Help.
Destiny Mar 2019
The darkness that surrounds me is the darkest its ever been.
Each day I'm struggling to find myself in the wind.
Too often I feel alone even though I've got an army.
The labels I'm known for will never truly be put on me.
The light at the end of the tunnel doesn't seem bright enough.
Each waking moment becomes more rough.
Each step I take I fall to my knees.
I'm begging for help, PLEASE!
325 · Jul 2019
My older brother...
Destiny Jul 2019
What he should've been:
a protector...
a mentor...
a body guard...
a role model...
a leader...
a supporter...
a loving brother...

What he's been:
a predator...
a bad influence...
a target thrower...
a pushover...
a follower...
a hater...
a brother who used me...

I'm the only daughter in a family full of men and my oldest brother living at home thought I was the perfect target for ****** assault.

****...I do not like the word **** and quite frankly it is overused and joked about too often!!!

One day I will feel the justice I deserve...it will not be from his mouth or my mothers mouth or anyone else's mouth, but MINE! Mine is all that matters!!! The validation coming from my lips...NOT HIS!!!

My older brother...his name is Robert, but I wish to secretly call him Bob just so I can gain a simple laugh and humiliate him in my mind...

My older brother...
My older brother is EVIL
315 · Nov 2019
Relapse<Recovery
Destiny Nov 2019
Where do I begin?
I've managed to be in "ReCoVeRy" for a while now.
I think. . .

R-eally?

E-xhausted!

C-ontrol?

O-bscene!

V-iolence?

E-ner­gy.

R-elapse?

Y-EP!

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

I was told that recovery meant progress, when really is just means I'm weak!

I was told that things would get better, when really they just s-e-e-m better!

I was told to just have faith, even if it meant insanity!

I was told to smile, which really just hurts at this point!

I was told to hang on, but my palms are getting sweaty and I'm about to fall!

I was told to pray, but GOD CAN YOU HEAR ME!
307 · Feb 22
Imperfect
Destiny Feb 22
My crooked teeth are imperfect.
My weight is imperfect.
My skin is imperfect.
My thought process is imperfect.
My actions can be imperfect.
I am imperfect.

My teeth help me smile, which people love!
My weight just means I'm better to hug and cuddle!
My skin makes me different, which is always okay!
My thought process is just more advanced and sincere!
My actions are a result of chemical imbalances!
I am okay with being imperfect because imperfections make me who I am!
294 · Oct 9
Protection
Destiny Oct 9
I was taught by societal expectations that brothers are suppose to protect their little sisters.

I was taught to trust my brothers and to know that they would do anything to protect me.

My family was never normal though, so believing this made me look like an idiot.

I am the only daughter in a family with many boys.

I was so naive and stupid to believe the lies.

It's crazy that my brother who wasn't even around a lot is the one I trust the most.

I was five the first time anything ****** happened.

I had absolutely no clue what was happening and why I was being manipulated into doing.

And even crazier, the  predator was only about 7.

What!

I still to this day haven't told a soul about that night, but I remember it like it was yesterday.

I let it slip out of my mind thinking that it was normal.

From then, he made me do things for him and watch stuff with him that I didn't want to watch.

Everyday, I thought about him hurting me more.

I was 11 the next time.

I had a little more knowledge of what he was doing, but I was still intimidated by everything.

I knew though, that it actually wasn't normal and really should not have been something I had to go through.

I was home alone with him, and I just wanted to be in my room alone.

He was around 13 years old.

That was the first time he had threatened me with the "I'll tell mom" card.

I learned to not even think about telling my parents about what happened.

Thankfully he stopped messing with me for a while because I had moved in with my grandma.

Thank God that she let me.

I ended up getting taken away from my parents, living in an emergency shelter, living in a children's home, losing my dad, and getting moved in with a potential adoptive family before he hurt me again.

I was 15 when he sexually assaulted me in my adoptive family's home.

He had gotten kicked out of placements and came to visit to see if he could be adopted with us.

I didn't say anything because I knew that no one would believe me.

I ended up telling my adoptive parents because I was in so much physical pain.

They claimed that they believed me, but I knew they didn't.

They put all these restrictions on me after he had left and an investigation started.

I was questioned more that I thought I would need to be and I had two of the police investigators tell me that I made it all up.

I felt like I was just a burden to everyone at that point and no one knew all the details.

I wasn't given the chance to tell my story.

Years later, my whole family came up with reasons to justify what he did to me.

They said that he just wanted me to be prepared.

My brother that assaulted me wasn't the only one that was messed up.

My twin brother played a big part in everything too.

He knew that my attacker was going to do what he did to me.

Not only did he know, he told me he wanted to watch.

To this day, almost 5 years later, I have never been able to look at either of them the same way.

My mother still doesn't believe me, but she stopped caring about me years ago.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear mom,

I believed you. Why couldn't you believe me?

Dear R,

What did I do to you for you to take advantage of my body? Why did you hate me so much that you could do that?

Dear C,

Why did you want to see him hurt me? Why weren't you supportive?

Dears R & C,

Why didn't y'all protect y'alls little sister? I'm the only one you have!

Dear Me,

None of that was your fault! You didn't do anything wrong! Don't ever be afraid to ask for help when you are in danger. I'm here for you!

Love yourself!
283 · Nov 2019
This Temporary Pain
Destiny Nov 2019
This temporary pain feels as though it will last an eternity.

This temporary pain makes me feel as though I have traveled so far just to reach a destination with no outlet!

This temporary pain lingers on every inch of my body!

This temporary pain is this noise of an explosion that blew up and injured my insides!

This temporary pain is a shape-shifter that can fool and deceive every living soul that knows of my existence.

This temporary pain is silent to others until it can no longer suffice my brain capacity.

This temporary pain follows closely behind my shadow.

This temporary pain didn't want to stay in that temporary home where it was created.

This temporary pain knows no boundaries of respect.

This temporary pain engulfs my every thought.

This temporary pain is just as it is called: temporary.
239 · Oct 2019
Dear Eating Disorders,
Destiny Oct 2019
Expectations.
Standards.
Rules.
Conditions and Catches.

Listen up Eating Disorders!

Your expectations are contradictory! You want girls to feel so ashamed of their bodies that they starve and shove their fingers down their throat so that they'll live to be happy. You know better than anyone though that really, you just want us laying in our deathbeds.

Your standards are stupid! You think you can put each individual girl into one category. A category that is labeled "so-skinny-each-individual-bone-pops-out-with-no-effort."

Your rules are torture! Rule 1: Exercise until you pass out. Rule 2: Start off "in reason" with restriction. Rule 3: Cut out all processed foods. Rule 4: "You like what you see?" Keep going! Rule 5: Why not cut out all food! Rule 6: Develop fear foods. Rule 7: Eat everything because you're so hungry your insides are burning. Rule 8: Oh no! You can't gain weight! Go shove your fingers down your throat! You must get rid of the food! Rule 9: Restrict again because you can't see anything but a monster when you look in to the mirror. Rule 10: Speaking or mirror, do at least 3 body checks a day. How big is your waist? Can you wrap your fingers around your wrists? Do you have a thigh gap? Rule 11: Cry for hours because you "accidentally" looked at the scale for the 20th time today. Rule 12: Start over and repeat until you end up in the hospital. "You'll never be sick enough though!"

You conditions and catches confuse us! You have these conditions, but there's always a catch! "You can have that one candy bar, but you must lose 13 pounds this month!" "You will be happy when you reach your goal weight, but you should set a second and third goal weight just in case!" "You will have so many friends when you're actually underweight, but you must lose all the ones you love now first!" "You can get help, but it'll make you feel worse because then you'll see that you're weak!"

ENOUGH!

I'VE HAD ENOUGH!

What do you want from me?
Why am I not good enough now?
Why do I have to wear a size 00?
When will you stop killing all these sweet girls who just want to love themselves?
When will we stop hearing you yell at us because we want to go out to eat with our family and friends.
Why can't you stop casting all your imperfections on all these perfectly imperfect girls?
Why do you feel like you're not enough?

                                           Sincerely, We-Are-Enough

I'm enough.
I'm enough at any size!
Yes I'm obese.
Yes I want to be smaller, but I have to do it healthily and without the guidance of "Ana" or "Mia" or "Ed!"
Ana, Mia, and Ed will only tell you lies.
Lies that will tear you apart!
You must listen to those around you who want to help you!
I know it's hard, but it's worth it.
Happiness is real and possible, but these eating disorders don't know what happiness is!
You are enough!
You are perfect at every size!
You are so much stronger than this illness!
You are not weak for eating a granola in fact, you're not weak for eating a pint of ice cream!
It'll all fall into place.
This illness will not take you!
I promise, you are enough!
192 · Dec 2019
Common Sense
Destiny Dec 2019
People are imperfect.
156 · Nov 2019
Sweet Girl
Destiny Nov 2019
Hey, sweet girl, I know you feel alone
Hey, sweet girl, I know you wanna go home
Hey, sweet girl, don't give up on me
Hey, sweet girl, why can't you see
152 · Jul 2019
Old
Destiny Jul 2019
Old
O-ut
L-ived
D-esire

Ever since I was a little girl, I never called anyone old.
I referred to older people as elderly.
One day, out of nowhere I decided that a person is "old" when they reach the age of 70.
My grandmother, who I call nana turned 70 last year.
Now I am morally allowed to call her old in my mind.
She thinks it's hilarious and she loved her mockery of a cake!

All jokes aside though, being "old" scares me. As I'm sure it scares many. To me "old" means; out lived desire. The desire to live becomes almost invisible; non existent. My mother is fighting two battles. Mental and physical. The mental aspect of her brain is fueled by her children's emotions and her physical pain. She is constantly worrying about her children and if they are okay mentally and physically. She has had her share of mistakes but she will always be my momma. Her physical battle consumes her whole body. Pain 24/7 with little to no relief. She is a strong women but because of her mental battle all her life, her body is that of an older woman. Medicine only goes so far and sometimes it feels like my prayers hit the ceiling and fall. My mom is not "old" but sometimes I feel like she "out lived desire." She continues to fight these two battles with a smile on her face [most days.]

Today you are 18,036 days old, but today, you are stronger, braver, and wiser than when you were 18,035 days old!!!
Cherish your family!
118 · Nov 2019
Letter
Destiny Nov 2019
Dear Self Hatred,

Could you leave me alone? I'd really appreciate it!

                                                                 ~ Sincerely, one lonely gal
109 · Nov 2019
Loneliest Happy Girl
Destiny Nov 2019
Lonely is just an understatement.
And saying that it's an understatement just sounds like an exaggeration, but I'm so serious.
What's even worse, is the fact that I have absolutely no reason to feel so lonely.
I know that so many people love me!
I know that I have so many reasons to be happy, but I just can't convince the part of me that thinks it's all a lie.
My mind makes me so exhausted!
Why can't I see myself as others do?
Why can't I love myself?
As I'm sitting here in my bed, I can't help but feel like I'm drowning!
I want the loneliness to go away!
Please go away!
108 · Nov 2019
Mirror
Destiny Nov 2019
I'm broken inside like a mirror
Every small piece showing a different distorted story
I'm broken like a dropped ceramic bowl
Pieces so small they'll never be found
Until you step on them
Feeling every small fragment of your emotions piercing your soul
With uncontrollable anger you run
Pushing the pain deeper and deeper
Until you're satisfied with it being concealed
Then you explode
This pain is just too unbearable
This pain won't stay where it was created
This pain left scars
Not the ones I gave myself
But the ones I didn't ask for
The ones I didn't deserve
The ones that left me sad
This sadness is a mixture of natural disasters
A tornado of feelings thrown around
A hurricane with a facade that things get better until they don't
Looking around I see perfection
Looking at myself I see a monster
I see self-hatred
I see her
The girl that just wants to be pretty
The girl that just wants to be skinny
The girl that just wants to be held
The girl that just wants to be herself
Society's pressure is crushing her slowly
Her body is no longer a temple
It is ruins
Ruins of helplessness
Ruins of confusion
Ruins of I-don't-care-anymore
Her eyes ever changing like evergreen
Her eyes that sting from toxic tears
Her eyes that people love
Her smile that changes every mood
Her smile that no longer shines
Her smile disappears
She laughs at the word recovery
She mocks every letter
She hates food
Just as much as herself
She only feels full when she's empty
She's accomplished if she didn't finish
Skip one meal
Okay
Skip two
Fine
But skip all three and someone will know
Her secret is no longer a secret
She is exposed
She has to hide now
To protect her beloved relapse
Ew
Relapse
A word your therapist never wants to hear
Because now they actually have to help you
A word that begs for treatment
A word that begs for attention
She's a queen of a fallen thrown
Overtaken by the King himself
The man who calls himself ED
ED thinks he controls me
And I'm almost fully convinced that he has won
He has all the control
As I plead no more
His power gets stronger and stronger
While I become weaker and weaker
Simply shattered
Like that mirror that is still broken
The mirror that sees my pain
The mirror that I hate so much
But is ironically the only one I trust
That mirror must see beauty somewhere within me
I am just not looking quite clear enough to see her shining
Shining with unique beauty
Beauty that comes purely from inside
My spirit that burns brighter than any social media screen
The screen that has monopolized my mind
The screen that taught me to hate myself
The screen that reflects that broken mirror
Destroyed by me
First SLAM Poetry Piece!
Let me know what you think!
103 · Jan 13
Fairytale Ending
Destiny Jan 13
Fairytales are so morbidly twisted that we actually believe in happy endings.

Sad endings are realistic. . .
Angry endings are realistic. . .
Confusing endings are realistic. . .
Dumb endings are realistic. . .
Scary endings are realistic. . .

STOP TELLING ME THAT EVERY FAIRYTALE HAS A HAPPY ENDING!!!
96 · Nov 2019
Transparent
Destiny Nov 2019
I've always been told that I'm good at putting on a mask to hide my pain, but I actually wish I could have a real one on 24/7.

Ooh!
Even better, how about an invisibility cloak?
Oh wait, I'm already invisible. . .

Better luck next time!
93 · Jan 11
This small voice
Destiny Jan 11
This small voice always comes back. . .
Stronger. . .
And stronger. . .
And stronger. . .
Relapse
I hear it call to me. . .
Relapse
I hear it enchant me. . .
Relapse
Over. . .
And over. . .
And over. . .
93 · Nov 2019
3 Wishes
Destiny Nov 2019
Wish 1: I wish I looked perfect in society's eyes.

(I mean, I look fine but the pressure I feel every step I take anywhere makes me feel like ****!)

Wish 2: I wish I could stop worrying.

(Worrying doesn't help and at this point I'm worrying about worrying!)

Wish 3: I wish I wasn't me.

(This doesn't need any explanation.)
89 · Nov 2019
~pRoMiSeD~aLwAyS~iS~
Destiny Nov 2019
It's hard to keep going when a tree fell in your way
That tree being fear
Fear that is encapsulating
Fear that paralyzes everything
I cannot move forward on my own
For the Lord has promised good
For the Lord will always provide
For the Lord is good
Sometimes the loneliness swallows me
Sometimes the guilt doesn't quite make sense
Sometimes I don't understand anything
This fear
This loneliness
This guilt
It all feels like I can't breathe
Begging for the Lord to breathe in my lungs
Begging to release the pressure and eliminate the evil
Begging for hope
89 · Nov 2019
Let's Go, Now!
Destiny Nov 2019
Let's go away.
To a place of peace.
To a safe place.
A place where there is no evil.
Where there is no fear.
Let's go.
Now!

We never went.
It got too late.
You backed out.
You were scared, which is why we were going.
You disappeared.
I have to go.
Now!

I stayed.
To visit you.
To share my love with you.
To hold your hand.
Let's go.
We can still go.
Now!

We went.
Both of us.
You left before me when you jumped.
I came to where you are when I swallowed them all.
We are together.
Now!
This isn't a true event that happened. It's just a fantasy.
82 · Dec 2019
Simple?
Destiny Dec 2019
The concept of dainty things is lovely
- dainty necklaces
- dainty rings
- dainty earrings
They are all so simple
They have the simplicity I wish for in life
Sometime I think to myself, "What even is simple?"
79 · Nov 2019
Smile
Destiny Nov 2019
Smile!
Everyone is staring at you. . .again.
78 · Nov 2019
Gum
Destiny Nov 2019
Gum
I chew gum to make the anxiety vanish
The panic instantly comes back the second I think about the whole 5 calories this gum in my mouth has. . .
Spits out gum
I also chew gum to stop the hunger pains, or at least I pretend that the hunger pains go away. . .
Spits out gum
I no longer feel interrupted when asked to share the gum in the small zipper pocket of my backpack. . .
I have become the gum giver.
73 · Feb 22
always perfect
Destiny Feb 22
today i wanted to be perfect yesterday i wanted to be perfect i always want to be perfect but if i was perfect what would god be.
Destiny Sep 2019
Age regression?
Confusion?
Creep?

These three words follow me inevitably everywhere. My mind was forced to develop much more rapidly than most my age. Somewhere though, my mentality as I'm walking down the Barbie isle got stuck. Stuck at the age of 11 or 12. I get euphoric when I see the children's toys. I wish that I could just have them all! I remember this one time when I would strategically limit how much money I would spend on Barbies. It was kinda ridiculous how much thought I put into picking and choosing which one I was going to get. Ugh...the memories. My niece is 10 now and she loves when I go to the store with her! I'm usually the one to volunteer to go browse the toy isles, It brought me so much joy and I get self conscious sometimes. People just don't understand!!! My mind gets stuck at the ages of 11 and 12 all the time...just stuck.

Anyways, the proper term for this is in fact called age regression. It's when your mind regresses into an age that makes you feel safe.

I'm not confused!

I'm not a creep!

I'm just a traumatized young adult.

This world is cruel, but please keep your head up!!!
Destiny Jan 18
I remember that night like it was last night.
Except that I don't really remember all the details, which means that it didn't actually happen. . .right?

It was the weekend
My older brother was visiting
We were trying to see if he could potentially be adopted with me and my twin brother
The first of two days was great
We got along
I had missed him
We had dinner
We went to bed
I was in my room
He was in my twin brothers room
Then everything went downhill
He texted me
He asked if I remembered the time he tried to use me the first time
I said yes and told him to leave me alone
I was 15
He was almost 18
He kept texting me
He asked if I wanted to have ***
I told him no
He called me a *****
I told him to leave me alone
He kept asking
He threatened me
He told me that he would hurt me if I told him no
I kept saying no
Again
And again
I said no repeatedly as fast as I could send to the two letter text
He wouldn't take no for an answer
I asked him if I said yes would he leave me alone for the night
He said yes
He lied
I put my phone away and tried to go to sleep
He came downstairs
He knocked on my door
I answer and told him to leave me alone
He pushed his way in
He pushed me onto my twin sized bed
He told me to take my underwear off
I said no
So he took them off
He told me that he was going to get his way
No matter what
I told him no several more times and that I was scared of him
He didn't care
He told me that it was going to hurt
He pinned me down
I was crying
He told me to shut up
He was holding my wrists so tight
He was inside me
It hurt
I told him to stop
He asked me if it felt nice
I told him that I wanted him off me and that he was hurting me
He went faster and more rough
He laughed
I cried hysterically
I want to scream
I want to get him off me
I was frozen
He had won
He got what he wanted regardless of how I felt
He got off me
He left my room
I heard him walk up the stairs
He was done with his toy
I cried all night
I screamed into my pillow
I wished that I could've died
I tried to strangle myself
I wanted my soon to be adoptive parents to walk in and find me dead
I was *****
I let him hurt me
I let him use me
I let him **** me
I finally went to sleep
I woke up the next morning
I had breakfast and I waited for my CPS Caseworker to come for her weekly inspection
She came
She left
With no suspicion
Then he left
He had his visit but had to go back to his foster home.
I told a friend
She told a trusted adult
That trusted adult helped me tell my soon to be adoptive parents
The investigation started
The **** kit and examination made me feel twice as *****
The wanted the clothes I was wearing
My silky nightgown and my underwear
They wanted all the text messages
They wanted everything he touched
They questioned me asking if it was consensual
I told me them that it was not and that I kept saying no
They told me that I was lying
They told me that because I said yes out of fear that they couldn't trust me
The case was closed
He was set free
I was just a liar
Nothing happened
Destiny Jan 24
Logical Mind = LM
OCD Mind =  OCDM

LM: Today is going to be a regular day.

OCDM: What do you mean today is going to be a "regular" day? You have so much to do and you can't have any disruptions!

LM: I need to wake up, go to class, sweep, do laundry, do dishes, and do homework. All regular things.

OCDM: You need to wake up 2 hours early, just to make sure you are fully awake. You need to go to class and you NEED to be the first one there. You HAVE to sweep 2 times in the correct order. You HAVE to do laundry, but make sure the dials are exactly in the same spot each time. You HAVE to do the dishes, but don't forget to scrub each dish 3 times, you don't want those germs to hurt other people and you know it won't feel right if you only scrub once then rinse. You HAVE to do your homework, but don't forget to rewrite your notes 2 times to makes sure you didn't miss anything and that you wrote perfectly. DON'T MESS THIS UP TODAY!

LM: Oh! I can't forget my personal hygiene. Take a shower, brush my teeth, wash my face, and wash my hands.

OCDM: You cannot forget hygiene! You HAVE to take a long shower to make sure you are clean. Scrub everywhere 10 times, but don't unbalance it. You HAVE to brush your teeth 2 times and make sure to go in the same direction and order everytime or you HAVE to restart. You HAVE to wash your face 2 times so you know your face is super clean, if you mess up, you HAVE to restart. DO NOT FORGET TO WASH YOUR HANDS! Wash them 3 times in the same motion or you HAVE to restart.

LM: Regular day. Regular day. Regular day.

OCDM: You CANNOT have a "regular" day until you know 100% that you did everything correctly!
Destiny Nov 2019
I stopped telling them.

How I felt. . .
What was going on in my head. . .
How much I hated myself. . .
What I was thinking cognitively. . .

I feel so small and fragile.
I feel lost.
I feel out of control.
I feel stupid.
I feel helpless.
I feel confused.

In my head I see this perfect image!
In my head I see pain!
In my head I feel pressure!
In my head I am weak!
In my head I am pretending!
In my head I hate everything!

I hate my thoughts.
I hate my smile.
I hate my laugh.
I hate my feet.
I hate how kind I am to people.
I hate myself as a whole.

All I think about is food. . .
Can I get away with skipping a meal?
How can I pretend to eat enough for me to be full?
Can I get away with purging?
How many calories is in that?
Why can't I have the willpower to just stop eating?

This is how I'm doing, yet I'm so terrified that I'll get looked at like a joke again.

I don't think I'm as ready for recovery as I thought I was. . .
I'm trying to figure out how to get the help I need, but I can't get "help" without insurance so I am writing through it.
59 · Jul 2019
Breathe
Destiny Jul 2019
1...
1...2...
1...2...3...
Stop. Breathe!
1...
1...2...
1...2...3...
DESTINY! BREATHE! IT'S OKAY, YOU'RE SAFE!

I relive that very session pretty frequently. My therapist was absolutely amazing and I'm so glad she knew how to get me out of that moment. I can't really express how it felt other than feeling paralyzed, but not actually being paralyzed. PTSD is what is was and it was terrifying. Actually it was beyond terrifying. I didn't want to leave her office. I didn't want to walk to my ride. I didn't want to do anything. It shocked my whole family because they were confused as to why I was all of a sudden afraid to be alone. That's where the anxiety really started to become major anxiety. That's when I actually had to spend a whole day in the ER because my chest was hurting so badly, I thought I was dying. It was there I was told it was just a bruised sternum. Now I know so much more about my surroundings and how to find the inner me where I don't really experience that level of terror anymore, which is great.

Psychologists are amazing if you are willing to stick it out and find the right one.

I'm starting college soon and I actually want to be a Psychologist because of all the trauma in my life.

Thanks to all those who support mental illness's and I hope that the stigmas will change.
59 · Oct 20
Without You
Destiny Oct 20
+~~~~~~~+

I ran back to you because I missed you.
I ran back to because I didn't want you to be sad.
I ran back to you because I thought it was my job to protect you.

+~~~~~~~+

I couldn't keep my word that I would stay away because I was terrified to hurt you.
I couldn't stay away because I thought I was letting you down.
I couldn't stay away because I wanted to show you that I was trying to be perfect for you.

+~~~~~~~+

I learned that I was so much happier without you.
I learned that I didn't have to be perfect for you.
I learned that it wasn't my job to protect you.

+~~~~~~~+

I am happy without you.
I am me without you.
I am allowed to be without you.

+~~~~~~~+
Despite the fact that this sounds like I miss some intimate boyfriend or girlfriend relationship, this is about my mom and the relationship I will never have with her.
58 · Mar 17
Reflection
Destiny Mar 17
Sometimes I look at myself in any reflection and see myself smaller and sometimes I see myself super huge and my vision is distorted because of my brain playing tricks. I think that's why I struggle so much. How can my own brain deceive me so much to the point where I have a disorder?
56 · Nov 2019
5 truths
Destiny Nov 2019
1 word can change everything
2 wrongs don't make a right, it doesn't make anything right
3 words can change a relationship "I love you"
4 people can change the world
5 truths can make a DIFFERENCE
Written by my niece!
56 · Dec 2019
*C*R*Y*
Destiny Dec 2019
What if crying made you a superhero?
Not for others but for yourself?
For you to be able to see that you are indeed a strong badass of an individual!
I wish I thought of myself as such. . .
55 · Nov 2019
Tylenol
Destiny Nov 2019
Pills,
Pills,
Pills,

Every time I have a migraine, I deal with it. . .

It got really old. . .

16 extra-strength tylenol. . .

Mocking me for an attempted OD. . .

It wasn't even 16, it was 32. . .

~ Until last night, I didn't take anything to rid me of the migraine. . .
~ So I asked for 2. . .
~ The bottle was thrown at me. . .
~ It struck my right collarbone. . .

GREAT!

Now I'm reminded of my desire to actually feel my collarbones with no effort. . .
54 · Mar 1
Overdosing Faith
Destiny Mar 1
I once thought about overdosing...

But this time my brain twisted it and was like "what if this time, you took one pill for every bad thing that has happened in your life or every bad thought that crossed your mind?"

It hit me hard...like really hard
So I thought about making a list to visualize it.

Here goes nothing I suppose...

> He touched me for the first time when I was 5
>He made me believe it was a game
>He hit me
>He threatened me
>Mom and dad argued
>More arguing
>Some more
>And more
>And some more
>And More
>I moved
>Got bullied
>Some more
>And more
>Started starving myself
>Ate less
>Ate one thing a day
>Drank Coke Zero
>Drank Green Tea
>Drank water
>Ate nothing for a day
>Didn't eat for three days
>Didn't eat for a week
>Fainted for the first time
>Saw my mom inject drugs into her body
>Saw my dad get arrested in our front yard
>Got a puppy, who my dad got rid of
>Got yelled at 24/7
>Got touched by the most popular kid in 7th grade
>Couldn't say bye to my friends
>Went to court to hear my mom lose her rights
>My dad died the day before
>I went to a mental hospital
>I learned how to self harm there
>I kept self harming
>It became more dangerous
>I tried to end my life
>I tried again
>I tried again and was saved by a stranger
>I tried again and got yelled at in the hospital
>Told my mom to leave
>I was alone
>I got adopted by fake people
>My grandad died
>My grandpa died
>I tried to end my life again in secret
>My adoptive watched me self harm
>I tried again
>And again
>Got diagnosed with major depressive disorder
>Got diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder
>Got diagnosed with bipolar disorder
>Got diagnosed with OCD
>Started binging
>Starting exercising religiously
>Passed out from exhaustion 4 times
>Went to the hospital from the gym
>Vomited on purpose
>Almost got tubed 3 times
>Went to the same hospital 4 times
>The staff knew me by name
>Tried one last time to end my life
>Hated God
>Blamed God

65...
I would have to take AT LEAST 65 of whatever pills I had to overdose on!!!

That's a lot.

It's not worth it!
You are loved!
I am loved!
None of those things matter when it comes to you living your life and being happy!
You are priceless!
You are worthy!
You are enough!
You are beautiful!
You are handsome!
You are so amazing!

YOU DESERVE TO BE HERE!

YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY!

YOU DESERVE TO EAT!

YOU DESERVE TO HAVE FRIENDS!

YOU DESERVE TO CRY WHEN YOU WANT!

YOU DESERVE THE WHOLE WORLD!

Stand tall and please find your worth from within...I know that it's hard to believe someone who just writes to you about it.
I know it's hard when you feel so alone...

But I also know that you are strong!
You are resilient!
You are kind!
You are talented!
And you are brave!

YOU GOT THIS!

THE WORLD BETTER WATCH OUT BECAUSE THE REAL YOU IS ABOUT TO SHINE AND BLIND THE NEGATIVE PEOPLE!!!
I really needed to write this to let others know that they aren't alone, but also because I needed to read it. Even though it came from my heart. I love you all!
53 · Jan 10
Silence
Destiny Jan 10
I wonder how many people have yet to realize that I've been MIA for weeks now. . .
Had I been in my worst headspace, I would've used this as an excuse to rid the world of my body. . .
I'm better than that though. . .
Right?
I don't know. . .
I guess I just needed to hear myself say it. . .
51 · Nov 2019
November 11th
Destiny Nov 2019
11:47 pm
13 minutes away from the next day
13 minutes away until it is no longer my birthday
Aren't birthdays supposed to be meaniful?
November 11th 2013 was the best day of life
Until it wasn't
I told him "see you later" when I should've said "goodbye"
I told him I loved him
Even when he refused to eat cake with us
My dad
He lost his life May 1st 2014
He had a heart attack and knew he was going
I was in school
In a different city
Not allowed to call him
And why would I, when I had nothing to call him for
May 2nd
My mother got her rights taken away
My dad was supposed to show up
But didn't
My mother told me he was sleeping when I knew better
I knew he wasn't sleeping and he wouldn't purposely not come to see me
He loved me
November 11th for the years to follow meant nothing
I always thought about that last "see you later"
I hated myself so much
I didn't get to say goodbye
As he laid their in miserable pain
With a wife that stole his prescription pills
With a wife who forgot about her children
With a wife that will to this day curse his name
November 11th 2019
This year I felt as though my day had been ruined
Little did I know
It was quite the opposite
Dinner
A hot beverage
A devo
Songs
And even a surprise cookie cake
I struggled while eating because I felt like I was putting on a show
I struggled with that cookie cake because I already had 1,470 calories the day before and my head was telling me that I must make up for what I had eaten
But it was my birthday
49 · Nov 2019
I hate you!
Destiny Nov 2019
I hate you!

When you talk about me behind my back!
When you laugh at the way I turn red when I'm nervous!
When you look at me in disgust!
When you judge my weight!
When you say, "How could she get that huge?"
When you say, "I'm glad I'm not fat!"

I hate you!

When you tell me I look beautiful!
When you tell me I look good in my outfit!
When you seem concerned if I've eaten or not!
When you tell me I am perfect just the way I am!

I hate you!

When you ask me if I want your leftovers!
When you look at me asking if I really need seconds!
When you convince me to buy a salad!
When you drag me into stores that are not made for my size!
When you ask for my jacket because it's like a blanket to you!
When you look through my clothes!
When you hold my shirt to your body as if it's a dress!
When you ask me if I want a crop-top!

I hate you!

Everywhere I look, I see perfection!
Everywhere I go, I feel everyone's eyes piercing into my soul!
Everywhere I go, I hate myself more and more!

You don't care. . .
You tell me I'm being selfish. . .
You tell me to think about everyone else when in fact, I already do think about everyone!
You tell me I'm fine!

I am fine. . .

Until I don't eat for days. . .

Or my knuckles are bruised. . .

Or my throat hurts. . .

Or I just stop everything. . .

I HATE YOU!!!
48 · May 6
idek
Destiny May 6
The reason I was suicidal was not because I hated my life.

I was suicidal because I already felt dead.

I was suicidal because I didn't think I could feel anymore dead by actually being dead.

That is how you know that someone battling suicidal thoughts isn't being selfish.

They think in all reality that they would be doing the world a true favor.

Trust me.
48 · Nov 2019
Hey Mom
Destiny Nov 2019
Hey mom, you are TOXIC.
Hey mom, you are EVIL.
Hey mom, you are BITTER.
Hey mom, you are SAD.
Hey mom, you are ANGRY.
Hey mom, you are GUILTY.
Hey mom, I FORGIVE YOU.

It still hurts though!
46 · Jul 2019
Try...for what?
Destiny Jul 2019
I don't think that there's a day that goes by that I'm not told to try. Everyday someone that crosses my path, tells me to try.
"Try to smile."
"Try to laugh."
"Try to be optimistic."
"Try to love harder."
"Just try..."

One of the hardest "tries" is to live. To continue to live in a world that is so filled with hate, judgement, evil standards, confusion, and too many expectations.

I'm not even attempting to exaggerate when I say that my mind is so clouded with the mental pollution that the world shoves into it. A daily battle that is not something to joke about. A biohazardous waste land just waiting for the right amount of "hazard."

I have "tried" to feel like I have purpose here.
{Good news; I have a huge purpose!}

I have "tried" to make everyone happy.
{I've learned that it's impossible and I need to make myself happy for a change}

I have "tried" to live.
{I'm living; finally!}

I am "trying."
45 · Dec 2019
Vaguely Sick
Destiny Dec 2019
Even though mental illness spreads across the world like wildfire, we sit here vaguely describing how it actually feels to deal with it. We say we feel sad, angry, depressed, anxious, and frightened but we never go in-depth.

Hers is how it feels for me:

Depression makes me feel like my bed has come alive and it has swallowed me. It wraps my body in sadness that never goes away. It is a monster like no other that doesn't want to just hunt me down, it wants to make my life miserable and those around me hate how I act.

Anxiety makes me think that everyone hates me or is secretly trying to betray me. It makes me think I'm being followed or that any second, the worst things possible will happen. It makes me feel insecure about everything! EVERY SINGLE THING!

I point out every single flaw that I have. This resulting in an eating disorder. I was diagnosed with Binge Eating Disorder (BED) but it is a false diagnosis. Yes, I eat a lot of food at one time, but I purge it shortly after consumption. This feels awful. I can't ever get away from a thought revolving around food. I HATE FOOD, but I have to eat it so nothing is suspicious. I know that this is a mental illness, but to outsiders, it looks like an awful choice of suffering. Control is all I want! I can't control my whole life, but I can control food! I wish to break every mirror I see because I am terrified of the monster I might see. The euphoria I feel thinking about how I can get sicker and somewhat smaller makes me feel like I have to listen to this voice in my head. This voice we are told is made up, but it feels so real. Our subconscious hating us more and more every day.

Bipolar Type 1 disorder is something I really never wanted to experience. I didn't want to be more of a problem. I feel like a problem. People who know that I have the diagnosis seem to walk on eggshells around me. They look at me like saying "hi" will trigger me. I just want to be normal!
45 · Nov 2019
If Only
Destiny Nov 2019
No one is going to look at me and think, "**** she's hot!" or "Bro I want her!"
You know why?
Because I'm fat and that's not cute!
45 · Nov 2019
i know
Destiny Nov 2019
i know what it's like when you've smile so much, it starts to hurt
i know what it's like when you've cried so much, it starts to burn
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