i know what you wanted
under the light of the moon

the summer of summers,
a lifetime cut short too soon

that night that you kissed me
after the circus,
it felt like i finally had a purpose

your lips, my lips
one touch & i'm left wordless

parking lot seagulls,
but we rose above the flock,
swooning, swooping, & flying high like eagles

i don't normally just say things out of the blue
but with you it's natural, with you i just do

i don't normally like rollercoasters
but darling, with you i'd ride them forever
like a teenager loves her boy band posters

now that you're gone
i can't help but think i've done something wrong,
if i wrote all that i feel
this song would be way too long

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

sharing bites of mac & cheese
love, i'd let you back in
all you have to say is please

if i can't have you by my side,
i'd end up dreaming of us each night

i don't have you by my side,
they say i'm living, but i call that dying

i can't have you by my side,
if i told them you were, i'd be lying

getting tipsy 'til i'm dizzy
off the wine we once bought,
even while everything's a blur
it's only you i never forgot

i close my eyes
& can still remember the taste
of peach on your tongue,
when i'm old i swear i'll look back
& still remember when we were young

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

you left me for your darker days,
but darling tell me
were they brighter with me in them?

i thought we were fighting,
but it turned out we were just dying
tell me how it's somehow worse
that we were never playing or lying?

you had to go
when i wanted us to grow,
i wondered what we'd be like in the snow,
i'll never have a christmas with you
so i guess we'll never know

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

top off the glass,
"the sorrow won't last",
you should be here with me
laughing & dancing beneath this northern rain,
with nothing to lose & everything to gain

nothing feels right
knowing you were going to be here
until you decided you shouldn't,
how is that worse than the fact that you couldn't?

one...three...ten or thirteen,
whisky & wine
until i say "i'm fine, i'm fine..."

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

i ran from the cabin & into the woods,
i thought i saw us among the trees
what we once had, they never understood

running, chasing, searching, falling...
my friends had to stop me
& tell me it was nothing

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

i don't normally drink
don't allow myself to even think,
i don't normally drink
but darling, i'm wasted on you

dear j,

"leaves are on the ground, fall has come...blue skies turning gray, like my love...i tried to carry you, and make you whole...but it was never enough, i must go...and who is gonna save you when i'm gone?...and who will watch over you when i'm gone?...you say you cared for me, but hide it well...how can you love someone, not yourself?...who will break your fall, who will you blame?...i can't go on and let you lose it all, more than i can take...who will ease your pain?...ease your pain...and who will give you strength when you're not strong?...who will watch over you when i'm gone away?...snow is on the ground, winter's come...you long to hear my voice, but i'm long gone..."

your eyes met mine today, twice.
i looked away..
did you mean that?
pinch me...maybe i was still asleep?

when we wake up,
are we still together? . . .

i can't help but think
about your bare wrist...

i can't help but think
about your bare wrist . . .

"you're not getting rid of me that easy"
i hear you say...

"you're stuck with me"
on repeat...

your voice once warm & sounding like home,
making me flinch awaiting pain to follow as my stomach turns from immense sadness...

i wish you would want me too..
i wish i felt like home to you..
comfort..

i want to fall for you
without caution . . .
i'm not ashamed of loving you . . .

are my fingers still tightly
laced with yours? . . .
i don't know.
yet part of me knows.
and that's the scariest thing
i could feel..

"it's hard to feel you slipping through
my fingers are so numb..."

i reach outward into the dark for you...

are you still there? . . .

i long to hear your voice.

are you long gone? . . .

sincerely,
d

one.
my own blood abhors me.

two.
i will always remain
myself
and there will always be
others
who will paint me with colors
on their own palette
while wearing one-way mirror lenses.

~~~~~

our love & forgiveness
is not the same.

your words won't hurt me anymore.
because i know that they aren't true.
our mother taught me that.

i know what i know . . .
i know what i feel . . .
i know why i feel it . . .
i know what i know . . .

we are not the same.

i have seen what hate does.
so i never let it do it to me.

i see the bad & the ugly,
and i choose not to treat others
differently because of it.

because that is what He would do . . .

because that is who i am too.
we are not the same.

i can hate what someone does,
but i will never hate them.

we are not the same.

i choose to love.

i choose to not let it
eat me up from the inside out.

i choose peace within myself.

yet you see it as stupidity . . .
and arrogance . . .
and blindness . . .
and weakness . . .
and cluelessness . . .

but i know that it is my biggest strength.
i cannot shatter anymore . . .
i surprised myself.
(this is not a crime)

simultaneity.

it won't bother me.

i am sorry that you choose to let it do this to you.
i cannot convince you . . .

i can and will always be what i am
and there will always be one.
(why did it have to be you? . . .)

i will grow and change but remain the same,
deepest.

i choose to see & love anyway.

though, i don't choose to stay
where i am repeatedly hurt,
no longer loved,
manipulated,
invalidated,
minimized . . .

i can be
sensitive
and
strong.

i can be
quiet
and
intelligent.

i can be
unapologetically myself
and
humble.

i can be
protective
and
vulnerable.

i can be
sightful
and
loving.

we are not the same.

but i hope one day we will be.

We don't mind it,
when it's winter.

You & I.

Because it gives us
one more excuse
to hold each other
closer.

Dream after dream
Of you not wanting me...

feeling no regret when you hurt me..

"hurting you is the last thing i ever want to do..."

you leave me with ease..

"if i ever found out i hurt you, i would hate myself forever..."

you hurt me with pleasure..

why would i ever hear you say you're sorry..

feeling no remorse..

do you like it?

does it feel good, knowing?

maybe if you saw the look on my face..

the surprise in my eyes..

the deafening silence and quiet gasp that escapes from my lips..

the tears that fall from my cheeks..

as i cup my hand over my mouth..suppress the sound..no one knows how deep you cut me..

the blood-pink flush that colors my cheeks

every time you make me your villain..

make me your villain...

you will never make me your lover...

we were like seeds
from wildflowers, scattered
without intention of growing
into something beautiful, but we did
unknowingly, i left myself
like the curdled ketchup
in the cracks of the concrete, never
knowing if that's really what it was.

the right one won't mind being with you even when you're at your worst & all of your days have darkened.

dear j,

"when we wake up
are we still
together? . . ."

i was willing to struggle
with you . . .

a constant dance with your words . .
where did you go? . . .

"stuck with me"
i thought i was safe . . .

"not getting rid of me that easy"
this must be easy? . . .

"i will be here as long as you still want me to be"
i still want you to be . . .but that isn't making a difference . . .

i have no say . . .

i wish you'd have the heart
to tell me
you left
a long time ago . . .
to tell me
you moved on
a while back . . .
to tell me
you want me
gone . . .

i thought i knew you better.
i thought you wanted it too . . .
i thought i knew you so much better...
i thought it was real. . .
i thought we had magic...
i  thought i knew us better. . .

from,
d

I want to remember
what it feels like
to kiss you gently & slowly
to the beat of our hearts
in sync,
catching our breath. . .

Will there ever be a time
when I can look into your
eyes without another pair
watching?

I want to know what it is like
to give you my attention &
all of my passion
without a poisonous thought
of doubt creeping into
my mind. . .

Will there ever be a time
when I can feel your
undeniable attention begging
to have a glimpse of
my aching soul? . . .

When is our turning page?
Will there ever be? . . .

Papercuts is all I feel,
when do I get to
feel your safety
overwhelm me? . . .

Will there ever be a time
when I get to whisper
that nothing makes me stronger
than your fragile heart? . . .

Wherever you go,
I want to be there. . .
as long as you want me to
be there too.

warm summer sunday's:
the gentle graze across each other's wrists...

brisk autumn wednesday:
shoulders touching, empathy rising...

bright spring morning:
a day i will not soon forget...

dark and bitter winter:
silence and an absence of forgiveness.

I want to
make love to your
s o u l
& feel it pulling me in
closer when I look
into your eyes . . .

W~ white whispy flakes slowly drifting to the ground
I~ indoors, bundled, huddled, snuggled, & cuddled
N~ nature's greatest showcase
T~ trees trembling naked in the bitter blowing winds
E~ eyes sleepily gazing at the warm flickering candlelight
R~ resting...resting. . . r e s t i n g . . .

Not being able
to love you
is exhausting.

Hands trembling
from the thought of
not feeling yours

Chasing after my breath
from the memory of
feeling you walk away

I have withdrawals
when we are apart

Is this too much?

Is it too much to want to
be by your side
every moment
my heart still beats?

I'm so easy to love
you tell me

I'm so worth loving
you say
There's so much to love...

But would you walk away
if you knew how much
I want to be able to love you
& be loved by you?

Would you walk away
if you felt the depths of my heart
& heard the way it beats louder than
ten billion fireworks,
and the roaring thunder of a thousand storms
at sea with its crashing waves
as all of the stars is the universe collide?

Would you still
if you knew how much
the butterflies in my stomach
make my cheeks turn red as rubies
every time our eyes meet?

Would you still love me
if you knew how far I'd go
to save you?

Would you laugh at
how much I want you to want me?
How much I want you to need me?

...or maybe
we'll just love without a care...
and just maybe we will match
each other's love & strengths
while we love like no one is watching...
like we only have this one moment...

one
moment...

dear j,

"i want to feel all that love and emotion...be that attached to the person i'm holding...someday i'll be falling...without caution...but for now i'm only people watching..."

have i really messed this up this badly? . . .

a friend tells me you've moved on already. . .

is this true? . . .

refusing to even consider the mere notion. . .

"what do they even know about him?"
i try to justify..

but what do i know about you? . . .
what do you choose to show me? . . .

what do they even know about me?...
nothing compared to what is.

what even matters now? . . .

what matters to me doesn't seem relevant or significant if you no longer long for me the way i long for you . . .

i want you to know that this is painful.
i sit here waiting for you to say what you really mean...
maybe you just don't want to hurt me. . .
but i assure you that keeping me here not loved is worse
than being honest and leaving me behind..

...wish you would tell me the real reason why...

...wish you would tell me...

...real reason...

...why...

you can't say i didn't tell you to tell me things...
it wouldn't be true.

...bare wrist...

do i get to love you?
do i get to live alongside you?
do i get to press my lips to your neck & feel the warmth of your touch..
do i get to be the only one...
do i get to have you..

..or do i only get to watch you grow and love someone else from the sidelines...

"i want to feel all that love and emoiton...be that attached to the person i'm holding...someday i'll be falling...without caution...but for now i'm only people watching..."

sincerely,
d

"You cut out a piece of me
and now i bleed internally
left here without you...
without you...
and it hurts for me to think about
what life could possibly be like without you...
without you...
it's gon' be hard here on my own
and even harder to let you go
i really wish that we, could've got this right..."

You hate how
your words still
haunt & hurt my heart
everyday,

but you said them
anyway.

Did you think I would
never find out
you really felt that way?

You can tell someone
you love them
over & over
again.

But those three words
amount to
nothing
if your actions
never reciprocate
those feelings.

if you saw me again
would you fall in love
for the first time
all over again?

would you turn around
& walk the other way,
hoping i didn't see you too?
or would you want me
the same way i want you?

would you tell them
you hoped you'd never see
my face after all this time?
or would you miss me
the way we did when you were mine?

would you stop to say hello,
the how've you been's?
planting hope's seeds?
or would you tell me
you realize that we're
all you'll ever need?

World still spins
Onward & outward it goes
Undeniably unapologetic
New, old, borrowed, blue
Downward & upward we go

i have to write this.
this is torturous.
[insert word i am not allowed to say here]
this is all your fault.
joy...happiness...
something i do not feel now,
something i haven't felt in
twelve days since we let go.
takes a lot to get there,
joy...happiness...
takes leaving what once made me
joyous...
takes leaving what i once made
happy...
to get somewhere i can maybe,
just maybe be joyous and happy
then, now, and always.

Not a bite to eat.
limbs cold & trembling
at the peak of summer.
I just want a place to rest my head.
Spinning,
fading in & out.
The life around me
closing in...
Heavy breathing
& traffic lights
blurry.
Vivid flashing reds.
Blinding shimmering greens.
Brilliant blinking yellows.
Thoughts,
unwelcomed guests.
Overstaying their welcome
as if they were even invited
to begin with.
It never goes as I expect.
I thought I would feel
safe.
But I only felt like someone else.
I withdrew...
I had my heart ready,
in my hands to be placed
into yours once again.
I can no longer ignore
when it tells me they are the
wrong hands...
I placed it carefully
back into it's cage
& kept it safe from you..

My skin has been breaking out lately.
I blame my bad skin on my diet
My diet on my stress and my stress
On you. YOU ARE HERE and you aren’t here.

You who brush your hair when it is still
Wet, it used to look better, healthier
Before you turned twenty-one. Getting warmer…
There you were, unbothered, stump jumper.

And you never drove me around
Because you said your car was messy—
Eight months and you never did clean it.
PUSH FOR HELP, button-mashed, bleeding finger.

I am uncertain about everything
I was certain about. YOU WERE HERE.
Electromagnetism…and I never
really knew what you mean, but I wanted to.

broken promise

it's too late.

i roll the windows down

allow the wind to dry my cheeks

no one must know...

crying is a terrible understatement.

so is dying.

fading memories of you telling me you loved me

fading...fading... f a d i n g...gone.

you never wanted to hurt me

days later you rip me to shreds...

you say it's my fault that you won't come.

i rely on you no longer...

why should i feel safe with you?

i will no longer let you hold my heart...i don't trust you with it.

"i will always want to be gentle with your heart"

you said.

"i want to take care of what's in there"

you say pointing to the beating heart within my chest...

you didn't mean it.

You helped me
realize that
I don't need you.