we were like seeds
from wildflowers, scattered
without intention of growing
into something beautiful, but we did
unknowingly, i left myself
like the curdled ketchup
in the cracks of the concrete, never
knowing if that's really what it was.

dear j,

"when we wake up
are we still
together? . . ."

i was willing to struggle
with you . . .

a constant dance with your words . .
where did you go? . . .

"stuck with me"
i thought i was safe . . .

"not getting rid of me that easy"
this must be easy? . . .

"i will be here as long as you still want me to be"
i still want you to be . . .but that isn't making a difference . . .

i have no say . . .

i wish you'd have the heart
to tell me
you left
a long time ago . . .
to tell me
you moved on
a while back . . .
to tell me
you want me
gone . . .

i thought i knew you better.
i thought you wanted it too . . .
i thought i knew you so much better...
i thought it was real. . .
i thought we had magic...
i  thought i knew us better. . .

from,
d

the right one won't mind being with you even when you're at your worst & all of your days have darkened.

I want to remember
what it feels like
to kiss you gently & slowly
to the beat of our hearts
in sync,
catching our breath. . .

Will there ever be a time
when I can look into your
eyes without another pair
watching?

I want to know what it is like
to give you my attention &
all of my passion
without a poisonous thought
of doubt creeping into
my mind. . .

Will there ever be a time
when I can feel your
undeniable attention begging
to have a glimpse of
my aching soul? . . .

When is our turning page?
Will there ever be? . . .

Papercuts is all I feel,
when do I get to
feel your safety
overwhelm me? . . .

Will there ever be a time
when I get to whisper
that nothing makes me stronger
than your fragile heart? . . .

Wherever you go,
I want to be there. . .
as long as you want me to
be there too.

warm summer sunday's:
the gentle graze across each other's wrists...

brisk autumn wednesday:
shoulders touching, empathy rising...

bright spring morning:
a day i will not soon forget...

dark and bitter winter:
silence and an absence of forgiveness.

I want to
make love to your
s o u l
& feel it pulling me in
closer when I look
into your eyes . . .

W~ white whispy flakes slowly drifting to the ground
I~ indoors, bundled, huddled, snuggled, & cuddled
N~ nature's greatest showcase
T~ trees trembling naked in the bitter blowing winds
E~ eyes sleepily gazing at the warm flickering candlelight
R~ resting...resting. . . r e s t i n g . . .

Not being able
to love you
is exhausting.

Hands trembling
from the thought of
not feeling yours

Chasing after my breath
from the memory of
feeling you walk away

I have withdrawals
when we are apart

Is this too much?

Is it too much to want to
be by your side
every moment
my heart still beats?

I'm so easy to love
you tell me

I'm so worth loving
you say
There's so much to love...

But would you walk away
if you knew how much
I want to be able to love you
& be loved by you?

Would you walk away
if you felt the depths of my heart
& heard the way it beats louder than
ten billion fireworks,
and the roaring thunder of a thousand storms
at sea with its crashing waves
as all of the stars is the universe collide?

Would you still
if you knew how much
the butterflies in my stomach
make my cheeks turn red as rubies
every time our eyes meet?

Would you still love me
if you knew how far I'd go
to save you?

Would you laugh at
how much I want you to want me?
How much I want you to need me?

...or maybe
we'll just love without a care...
and just maybe we will match
each other's love & strengths
while we love like no one is watching...
like we only have this one moment...

one
moment...

dear j,

"i want to feel all that love and emotion...be that attached to the person i'm holding...someday i'll be falling...without caution...but for now i'm only people watching..."

have i really messed this up this badly? . . .

a friend tells me you've moved on already. . .

is this true? . . .

refusing to even consider the mere notion. . .

"what do they even know about him?"
i try to justify..

but what do i know about you? . . .
what do you choose to show me? . . .

what do they even know about me?...
nothing compared to what is.

what even matters now? . . .

what matters to me doesn't seem relevant or significant if you no longer long for me the way i long for you . . .

i want you to know that this is painful.
i sit here waiting for you to say what you really mean...
maybe you just don't want to hurt me. . .
but i assure you that keeping me here not loved is worse
than being honest and leaving me behind..

...wish you would tell me the real reason why...

...wish you would tell me...

...real reason...

...why...

you can't say i didn't tell you to tell me things...
it wouldn't be true.

...bare wrist...

do i get to love you?
do i get to live alongside you?
do i get to press my lips to your neck & feel the warmth of your touch..
do i get to be the only one...
do i get to have you..

..or do i only get to watch you grow and love someone else from the sidelines...

"i want to feel all that love and emoiton...be that attached to the person i'm holding...someday i'll be falling...without caution...but for now i'm only people watching..."

sincerely,
d

"You cut out a piece of me
and now i bleed internally
left here without you...
without you...
and it hurts for me to think about
what life could possibly be like without you...
without you...
it's gon' be hard here on my own
and even harder to let you go
i really wish that we, could've got this right..."

You can tell someone
you love them
over & over
again.

But those three words
amount to
nothing
if your actions
never reciprocate
those feelings.

You hate how
your words still
haunt & hurt my heart
everyday,

but you said them
anyway.

Did you think I would
never find out
you really felt that way?

i thought i minded
when external forces
kept us apart...
turns out, it feels
a whole lot worse
when it is ourselves.

if you saw me again
would you fall in love
for the first time
all over again?

would you turn around
& walk the other way,
hoping i didn't see you too?
or would you want me
the same way i want you?

would you tell them
you hoped you'd never see
my face after all this time?
or would you miss me
the way we did when you were mine?

would you stop to say hello,
the how've you been's?
planting hope's seeds?
or would you tell me
you realize that we're
all you'll ever need?

World still spins
Onward & outward it goes
Undeniably unapologetic
New, old, borrowed, blue
Downward & upward we go

Not a bite to eat.
limbs cold & trembling
at the peak of summer.
I just want a place to rest my head.
Spinning,
fading in & out.
The life around me
closing in...
Heavy breathing
& traffic lights
blurry.
Vivid flashing reds.
Blinding shimmering greens.
Brilliant blinking yellows.
Thoughts,
unwelcomed guests.
Overstaying their welcome
as if they were even invited
to begin with.
It never goes as I expect.
I thought I would feel
safe.
But I only felt like someone else.
I withdrew...
I had my heart ready,
in my hands to be placed
into yours once again.
I can no longer ignore
when it tells me they are the
wrong hands...
I placed it carefully
back into it's cage
& kept it safe from you..

broken promise

it's too late.

i roll the windows down

allow the wind to dry my cheeks

no one must know...

crying is a terrible understatement.

so is dying.

fading memories of you telling me you loved me

fading...fading... f a d i n g...gone.

you never wanted to hurt me

days later you rip me to shreds...

you say it's my fault that you won't come.

i rely on you no longer...

why should i feel safe with you?

i will no longer let you hold my heart...i don't trust you with it.

"i will always want to be gentle with your heart"

you said.

"i want to take care of what's in there"

you say pointing to the beating heart within my chest...

you didn't mean it.

You helped me
realize that
I don't need you.

just because i don't talk to you
doesn't mean i don't think of you...

darling, i need you to know just one thing...

i need you to know that you were perfect...

i need you to know that you were always enough for me...

darling, i need you to know that you were always the only one...

i need you to know that you were it for me...

you made my world turn upside down when i met you

you made my world pause when i had you

and my world burst into flames when you left...

darling, you need to know that i will never not care for you...

the fire we had the fire we were

i need you to know that there's no way i could forget how it was...

i wanted to be your everything... nothing more...nothing less.

i will never not think of us when i hear those songs...

maybe one day i'll be able to dance to them instead of mourn...

i will never not want to send you that photo or share with you that exciting thing that just happened or tell you that funny joke i just heard or ask you if you got home okay...i'm going to want to share it all with you...

but i know that you have to go...

i've kept you close in the corner of my pocket, but i know you have to go...

i know you have to go...

i wish you didn't have to...

but i know you have to go...

darling, i need you to know just one thing...

i need you to know that you were perfect...

i need you to know that you were always enough for me...

darling, i need you to know that you were always the only one...

i need you to know that you were it for me...

darling, i need you to know that you were perfect...

i miss you
even though you're
sitting right next to me.

we both know
it wasn't because
you were cold..

we were born
from the stars
and you from
the sun..
warm. essential. familiar. missed.

i understand now
why the sun
has to go away
during the coldest,
most bitter months..

to teach us how to live
without it while it's away..
and to teach us
not to take it for granted
while it's wrapped in our
loving embrace..

so why would you want to
sit next to the fire?..

i was your alibi,
you slept after 9:30.
you knew i wouldn't say.

and it wasn't him.
it wasn't her.
it wasn't you.
it wasn't anything said.

i could say whatever
i want to cover up
what lay beneath..

sleepy.
exhausted.
backache.
feverish.
food coma.

the list goes on...
all of which would be the truth but...

i'd look away
when you noticed me
staring..

knowing that you
are always the only one
in any room
who sees what lays beneath..

i couldn't let you see..
so i'd look away
as soon as i could
hoping to catch it before you
saw..
i couldn't let you see..
i couldn't let you see . . .

you do so well at hiding it
for others..
but you will never get past me..
they never lie..
they betray you..
they give you away..
every. last. detail. . .

i saw your hurt.
i saw your pain.
i saw everything you
never said
and everything you did..

so close to me
and i couldn't
embrace you. . .
i couldn't give in. . .
i couldn't protect you . . .
and would even you want me to? . . .

we both know.
we just do.
unexplained.
and only between two.

i heard your voice
for the first time in 3 months.

i did my best to memorize
what you look like...

you didn't have to touch me..
you didn't have to touch me. . .
i would have held on longer.
i would have held you tighter.
i would have wrapped both arms around your neck
the way i would with a lover
but instead gave you my one-under-one-over "friend" hug.
i would have squeezed the soft fabric of your hood with one hand
and gently tugged your hair with the other.
i would have pulled you closer.
i would have. . .

never sure of what you want..
never sure of who i am to you now..
never sure of what we are..
never sure of what we will become.
it's all your choice
as unfair as that is..

i can't make you love me
the way i love you.
no amount of scars or tears
will make you see
what i feel..                            

i'm sorry
you asked me things..
i minimized my word count..
figuring you didn't really want
to speak with me..
but felt like you should just because
i was there..
i'm sorry,
i left our interaction
at a minimum..
sure you'd want it there.

if you know me,
you know what
was happening...

i sit there quiet,
but my mind is
loudest.

i sit there smiling and nodding
but my heart
is no longer in one piece.

i sit there feeling
out of control
but i control myself...
you will be collected
i told myself..
you will be yourself. . .

i felt out of place..
yet still myself..
i was true to myself,
i knew i couldn't fake it.

i sit there steady & silently
but i'm noticing
everything. . .

if i had one feeling left,
i'd give it to you..

you're on your last string,
who would you give it to? . . .

you never once complained
about the heat..

you felt the fever
with me..

I bite my tongue
until it bleeds
with my heart.
My foot slowly
pressing harder on
the gas pedal.
Heart pounding. Racing.
Racing my thoughts.
I close my eyes.
Zero to sixty
in a forty-five.
I am blessed & cursed.
I feel too much
too deeply
too often.
Everything, I take
to heart.
You know, yet here I sit
aching replaying words you said
& words you never said.
Vivid images replay in my mind;
You watching me walk away
when I needed you the most..
Zero to sixty.
I wonder what pain
would you feel if I
were gone?
Desperately needing
to know how much I
really mean to you.
Zero to sixty.
This is wrong.
I try to strip the thoughts
from my mind.
Stuck in my head,
struggling to keep my head
above the waves again.
Show me..
Show me these
"what if's" don't have a
need for existence...