i'm sorry i'm not healing fast enough for you.
i'm sorry i'm not healing fast enough for you..
i'm sorry i'm not healing fast enough for you...
i'm sorry i'm not healing fast enough for you....
i'm sorry i'm not healing fast enough for you.....
i'm sorry i'm not healing fast enough for you.

standing within the thick warm fabric
in the bleak midwinter breeze..
no chill biting my bones this time..
the fever is settling within my violet veins..
i stare off into the distance,
looking at nothing in particular..
windchimes twinkling in the distance,
to the left and never heard again..
i close my eyes and let them rest a second..
i breathe in and exhale with parted lips..
hoping that when i open my eyes,
this will be only a bad dream..
but the ache still lives within every corner and crevice
within my beating heart..
an airplane crosses overhead,
blinking red and orange..
i thought it was a lantern,
the kind i wanted to release into the painted sky with you..
the lamp post shining a little too brightly,
the way it had once shown onto your moonlit face
when you were still with me..
when will you stop hating me?..
i ask myself every day you look away
but still tell me i'm yours..
what do you feel when you see me?..
surely it couldn't be the same things i do
when i see you..
i pretent you read these..
i pretend you know when i'm there..
i pretend you love me..
i pretend it doesn't still hurt..
i pretend you still stare..
when will this be over?..
i can't wait..
whether it'll be an ending or just the beginning,
i can't wait to know the truth..
for now i dance by myself..
for now i sing to no one..
for now i write to anyone who will listen..
for now i walk the same paths without you by my side to explore them..
for now i sigh with no one to feel them..
for now i cry with no one to hear it..
for now i live without you, and i'll just have to bear it..

i want you to hold onto it for me

the day before

i will tell you what you meant to me

still mean to me

you may get pulled aside or distracted by another

i will say your name to bring you back

but i will leave before you get to see the tear fall from my cheek

the stairs will guide me to the edge of the woods..

you think i'm only sad..

what if feel is far more deep..

that will be the last time i will see you

it will be the last time you will see me

still warm

cheeks flushed with the color of life

oxygen being breathed through my lungs

the fading light within my milk chocolate-colored eyes

dimmed from the hurt that no one wanted to help me from

i'm sorry in advance, for staring so much..

i will study the lines of your face one last time

i will listen for the warm, always-familiar tenor of your voice..

i will follow the trail with no footprints

i will go away, i promise you..

snow drifting

red nose

rosy cheeks

numb fingertips and toes

soon to be pale

purple

and

gray

i will remember you

and when you were sitting here next to me..

warm..

heartbeat increases, "i'm scared.." i said to you..

heartbeat  s l o w s . .

heartbeat stops.

1) Don't.
2) Don't.
3) Don't.
4) Don't.
5) Don't.
6) Don't.
7) Don't.
8) Don't.
9) Don't.
10) Don't.

I open my eyes hesitantly
awaiting the pain
that never came..

I attempt to give
my body the nourishment
it needs,
wants,
longs for
& deserves..

I drive,
screaming "Heather"
into a safe void
I made for myself
to crumble into pieces.

I realize that
with others,
everything feels out of control..
but by myself,
i am sure of everything.

I wash the day
out of my brown-red hair.

tie it back
with the hair tie
i lent you that one day..

i sit at my desk
and write..
write
write
write..

what else can i do?

what else do people do when
they are seconds from
running towards
what makes then happy..

running towards
what makes them feel at home..

running towards
what makes them feel real.. human.. most like themselves..

running towards
what makes them feel like nothing will ever stop them..

running towards
the one they were created to become & place they were meant to be..

running towards
what makes them feel  a l i v e

leaping with jubilance
into the arms of love, innocence, and vulnerability..

yet simultaneously deniably
running from
what is pulling their heart apart
into trillions of pieces
in all directions,
scattered across
the void that was once a safe space?..

I wish for (y)our happiness

\\\\\
i wish
you would
at least
say
g o o d b y e
if you
have no
intentions
on coming
back . . .
\\\\\

i wish we all weren't this sh#tty.

"hurt people hurt people" they say.

& it's true.

i wish it wasn't, though.

i wish i could take it all back.

it's always the brightest days that get ruined.

it's always right at the end, too.

i should know this by now.

& we aren't getting anywhere...

we aren't dancing around anything but neither are there any solutions in sight...

i hate this.

i hurt you.

you hurt me.

& we aren't getting anywhere.

there are no signs. no maps. not even a road.

just a wide open space full of air we keep shouting at each other.

we're never on the same page, they keep getting torn out.

or we are but they're written in a language neither of us speaks.

i feel remorse.

my head is pounding & my eyes are swollen.

i have some apologies to make tomorrow.

i feel remorse.

thought half of what i said was true...and valid lest we forget...

it is a shame that even the loveliest of skies can crash & burn.

:::::::::::

better, i wish i had known.

i wish i never wrote that poem.

i wish i didn't visit you that day.

i wonder if things would be different if home, i had decided to stay.

:::::::::::

Restless.

Tossing & turning...

Thick, suffocating sheets
clinging to my pale skin.

Reaching out into the dark
for anything
to hold...

For any kind of comfort
that you never gave.

it feels like something we've waited an eternity to finally be able to do but also like we've been doing this forever...

i can't believe you're mine & i'm yours.

luck is to know you.

lucky is to be next to you.

this is a different kind of happiness...

i just want you. i just want this. nothing else. nothing less. always more (of you of this of us).

i just want to experience everything with you...

i want to do anything with you, even if it's nothing. because it would never be nothing.

"you & i . . . we're alive . . ."

is it too soon to know that every second i want to be spent with you by my side? . . .

i sit up breathing slow and deep..

aware of the slight, still trembling of my limbs..

careful to part my lips slightly while exhaling.

it left a bad taste on my tongue.. that sensation i dreaded..

i noticed every detail of everything surrounding me in my little room..

on my nightstand, all of the essentials..

the empty copper cup my stepfather had handed me, full, now empty of water..
replace lost fluids..

my nearly empty baby blue glass water bottle..

a cold pack, now lukewarm to room temperature from being pressed against my feverishly warm skin.. alternating.. forehead..stomach..neck..forehead..stomach..neck..
filled with hundreds of those micro gel beads..baby blue.

a recently opened crinkly bag of Saltine crackers my mother had given me to settle my stomach that was either not favoring something i had eaten several hours before..or not favoring the lack of the food that i should have eaten..

my alarm clock, reminding me that i have to wake up soon.. work.. i thought i was sure i didn't feel like going..
my stomach turned at the thought when i entertained it..

"You think you won't feel better by then?"
my mother had asked me..
i knew that i would..

i had 2 hours to recover..to sleep...
but the 2 hours had come and gone within a slow blink..
no sleep...
but recovery and comfort had become mine at least...

sleep, recently, had never come as easily as it always had before..

the warm and comforting rain would commence soon..

my book..a quarter of the way read..my great escape..
newly discovering a gift of narration, and simultaneously hoping it wouldn't cease with finishing the book..

and my retainer that i had comically and seemingly unconsciously swiped off before the incident so that they wouldn't get ruined..
only now it had occurred to me that i hadn't removed them in attempt to protect them from stomach acids.. but to alleviate the nauseating taste lingering on my tongue..

had i been selfish?

no...now was not the time to be ******* myself..
it hardly ever was..

focusing harder..

a massage bar strong with fragrant peppermint and cinnamon, pushed as far away from my nose as possible..
placed atop my vanity just on the other side of my nightstand..

my auburn hair, disheveled yet perfectly placed amidst..

a thick, extra blanket tossed aside at the foot of my bed..
reduce the fever
i had intended..

my poorly folded shorts and socks i had removed..

my electronics in disarray beneath my writing desk..
laptop charger plugged into the wall yet unplugged from the laptop itself..
my earbuds still attached, carelessly dangling to the floor..
the DSM-5 ever-so-gently placed atop my laptop..

i was always aware of the tremendous amount of books in my room..those lived in..and those awaiting their turn to have their pages grazed and loved..

and my little dog, cozied and nestled into her reciprocally little round bed in the corner of the room..
sleeping soundly with one eye open, always protecting us both..

my bedroom door open, i could hear the distant and gentle sound of dishes clattering and soft, running water..
pots and plates and plastic cups...

my mother must have decided to wash some dishes instead of trying to rejoin my stepfather in slumber..

or had he been awake, getting ready for work?

one thing i was sure of..

i suddenly frowned, corners of my mouth turned downward..

i suddenly felt bad and sorry for waking them..

ashamed..
thought this shame had not come from an external source..
irrational..
i am getting better at this..

but i realized then that had they not cared for me, they both would not have come running up the stairs at 3:50 a.m.

they showed me during my darkest moments..mostly.

my stepfather in his warm gentle temperature-checking hand grazing across my forehead as i sat, weak on the bathroom floor..
furrow between my brows, a tear gliding down my cheek.

my mother, in the way she stayed..sat with me for an hour after
as we ruled out the etiology..
in the way her strong hands massaged my feet, for comfort..

asking for help is okay..
i reminded myself..

being vulnerable
and allowing others..
the ones with pure intentions
to see me at my best..worst..and ugliest..
and looking for the moments they show me they even still love me..

courage..
in a NEW way..
something i had to get used to..

you closed your eyes and smiled...told me how much you loved feeling my gentle touch...
and how that alone was more than enough...

now you don't want to come anywhere near me...

the hum of the house

baby blue sheer curtains looming over me

sprawled sleeplessly on the stuffy carpet

seeking comfort from the suffocating sheets

they try to wrap me, trap me within the nightmares of losing you
over and over and over and over again

i listen

it's eerily peaceful without the whirring of the a.c.
broken, peak summer

the faint hiss of the sprinklers

i miss the cool morning dew on the grass overwhelming my sense of touch

everything takes my breath now

the scent of untouched morning air
crisp. innocent.

awaiting the day to begin

awaiting the quiet awakening of everyone else

it's been lonely, i'll admit.

i suppose i promised lonely.

it doesn't have to be, i know.

i stand at my window, lean against the frame

warmth of my breath fogging the glass
as i study the colors of the dawn

gradient blues & hints of shy pink

colors of an infant day

not many sleepy eyes get to see
que lastima

if lonely is what it'll take,
then lonely is what it'll be.

it's nearly time to wake

i think to myself

it feels as though the rest of the world is asleep

while i lay here sleepless

not counting sheep
but counting the tears that roll down my cheek,
graze my neck coldly
or pool in my ear
onto the pillow
with a tap . . .tap . . .tap . . .tap

not having touched toes to carpet

memories of you flash brightly

memories of us replay softly

that soft shy smile.

i curl tighter into a ball . . .

squeeze the sheets in my fists . . .

shut my eyes tighter . . .

more warm tears stream down my cheeks
faster now, unstoppable.

*i miss you.     i miss us.     i miss you.

the endless sky frilling with bright new colors

the ringing of cricket song
seeming to cease suddenly

replaced by birdsong

i sit up, lungs searching for a pocket of purity

swipe the remaining sticky, drying tears from my
cheeks, chin, neck, shoulder, ear, chest . . .

deep breaths
in . . .out . . .in . . . out

wipe the sleep from my eyes

stretch the paralysis from my muscles

unwind the stillness from my bones

touch the tips of my bare toes to the surface of the floor
and push against gravity

my vision turns to t.v. static
bleary
nebulous
distorted

a faint buzz and sharp tone sings throughout my head,
vibrates from ear to ear

i sway

steady

open my eyes and wait until the haze fades

in . . .out . . .in . . .out

happy sleepy chirps,
hopeful for a new beginning.

a new beginning, we will get





.

Oceans to deserts, I cried until I couldn't.

Replaying
you in my arms..

"We are in this together"...

Replaying
our fingers interlaced.

"I won't stop until I make you mine"...

I loved you
before I knew you,
and now that I know you
I love you so much more.

There is nothing you can do
to scare me...

Replaying
our lips slowly coming together,
your sleepy smile
and blushed cheeks..

"An Evening I Will Never Forget"...

Fogged window,
we can talk forever..

Comfortable enough
to not say anything at all.

Never satisfied,
always more to say
and one minute to say it..

Hold on to me, love..
Hold on with me.
We will live on, love..
Nothing will come between..
And we'll sing our song together.

I step onto the cold glass...

under 100.

is something wrong with me?...

I feel okay

but the numbers keep dropping.

You are also waiting to be loved by you.

gave me one white flower
the night i needed a reminder
kind humans still exist...

when will everyone
i love stop hurting me?...

i'm the only one who
knows me.

i will let you will be the one
to have the first word..

even though i know you
aren't coming home..

"a
b
c
d
e
f
g
h
i
love you still
and you know i always will"

i sit & stare at my beige-painted walls wondering how long "a while" is.

i realize that maybe i'm not something to be indulged in all at once, for that would simply be too much, too soon, too quickly. i'm something to be savored...a drink to sip, never guzzled without manners... something to be cherished & deeply considered...something to take your time with, never rush through or overlook all that i am comprised of.

this poem originally was supposed to be about self-pity. & how i am only tolerable in small amounts...but now it is a poem of self-recognition. & how potent my whole mind, my whole heart, my whole body, my whole truth, my whole presence is to be explored, admired, seen, known, understood, wanted, felt, accompanied, & loved.

I want to say
it happened around
December.

It was more like
mid-November.

Everything that's happened
swirling within,
I don't remember.

All of these
'-embers'

Embers
& ashes
drifting through the wind
from the fire
that burned our love.

Is adding flames to love
a good thing?

Does it fuel us?

Or does it extinguish
everything we thought
we had?

just because we want something to be perfect
doesn't mean it will be...

maybe that's how we were.

the you closure we want
will never be the closure we get...

the perfect ending, with you as my end game...
who is to say.

it's weird writing this halfway-healed instead of muddled in the sadness & madness of wanting you & wanting you to want me...

and how am i supposed to summarize
everything we had
in one poem?
or 2 million poems for that matter?

i don't think these kinds of things
are meant to be summed up with words...

words get in the way
of how things truly are.
of how people really feel.

i wanted words to your (in)actions...
a bite of closure
even if it broke me...
even if it was telling me what i already knew...

but it was a bite you couldn't give
& darling believe me when i say
i did everything i could to understand why...

i see you now...
i know you now...
i hear you & even everything you don't say...

because we were always good at knowing exactly how each other feels...what each other is thinking without a single word needing to be said...

and how am i supposed to summarize
everything we had
in one poem?
or 2 million poems for that matter?

i don't think these kinds of things
are meant to be summed up with words...

i think these kinds of things
are meant to be remembered
by those passionate moments
those painful memories
the way we came into existence
& the way we fought to stay there
until we just couldn't...
until we just couldn't.

To hear your voice
say my name
again

To see your eyes
glance at me from across the room
again

To say to you
everything will be okay
again

To smile ear-to-ear
laughing about absolutely nothing &
being goofy together
again

To listen to our favorite songs
in complete comfortable silence
again

To have pure intentions & hopes
for the future
again

To feel your lips
pressed against my neck,
goosebumps raising,
pulling each other close

To talk for hours with you
about anything & everything
again

To feel your protective touch
standing next to me
again

To breathe jubilant life & unconditional love
into each other
again...

am i still there?
i'm still there.

warm flesh & blood
now phantasmagoria
& a gentle breeze
that sweeps your hair
from out of your eyes.

(yearning for) retrograde amnesia.

i can't forget
the sound.

agnosia.

flashbacks of when
i grazed you
& it made you audibly silent,
visibly warm, & full of bliss...

fast-forward to you
recoiling from my touch.
now cold, painful, & unwelcome.

can you still feel me?...

aphasia.

it always upset you
when i couldn't say what
i meant.

apraxia.

the cognitive dissonance
experienced is how much?

amnesia.

i don't want to forget any of it.
i want to remember it all.
i don't want you to forget any of it.
i want you to remember it all.