Truly I often wonder
Can it be so wrong to love like this?
What was the harm?
in tasting her skin
When it was just a kiss
I could taste her ecstasy
But I cannot feast on her limbs?
Oh how I long to drown in her blood
And the taste of her lips

Could the finest of wines
Taste as sweet as her lungs?
Could I expel this desire
With illicit drugs?
I truly think its become too strong
Because I cannot replace my love
For her body
And how it feels deep inside of mine

Heaven calls in waves of silver and gold
What's keeping me here you ask
The idea that I might be good enough to live in the palace
To live in “God’s kingdom”
It's terrifying me
Don't get me wrong
Gods not real
But the constant what-if of my life
Keeps me holding onto it

Perhaps it was the early church mornings
Up until I was 14 years old
Or the want to believe in something
But only knowing of him
I want to think that magic is real
That tomorrow I'll wake up
Completely immersed in a fictional world
But there are two sides of my brain, don't you know
And I wish the logic would disappear

I tried to **** myself last week
But all did was throw up
And give you another medical bill
I made the school work pile up
and my friends mildly worried
gave myself a big bruise
And nearly cried from the emails
Explaining that i couldn't do the math quiz on Friday the 15th
Because i tried to **** myself last week

I was outside in the cold for hours that day
thinking about how to end things
i passed your body
On my way upstairs
Before spreading out my saved pills
And unlocking a knife
Crimson spread along my thigh
And my stomach became upset
My water is now empty
And all that's left on the counter is dust
A little bit of red stains the blade
And i pull up my pants nonchalantly

Somebody said your name today
And i couldn't help but think of you
It's not a good thing
Not even a little
I'm trying to keep
From remembering the things you did
And i remember the terrible poetry
I wrote when i was fourteen and scared
When i would spend nights
Waking up from the nightmares
Shaking with fear
Those things you made me do
Do they not haunt you?