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JustChloe Sep 2017
I can’t lose anymore
My heart can’t take being broken further
I am barely holding myself together
And i know how devastating  it is when my heart is torn

But I have a feeling the second time will be worse
Because I opened myself to **** I knew would hurt
Because I thought you loved me more then her
But now you can’t even mutter those three words

I feel my heart being torn
When I let my walls down so you could feel more
And told myself you deserved the love even if it made me hurt
But I never thought a day would come you wouldn’t want it anymore

I took the best parts of me and gave them to you
I offered my most precious memories
And displayed my most sacred thoughts too
But you didn’t want to hear anymore

As if The best parts of me
Still aren’t worth a second glance from you
And now I don’t know what to do

Because I can’t lose anymore
I know how devastating it will be when my heart is torn
I don’t wanna go on any further
Because then I won’t have **** to live for

I can’t lose anymore
I don’t know what I will do if I lose anymore
  Feb 2017 JustChloe
analog child
origami boy, with your folded sides and creased edges.
with the tips of your fingers, and the pads of your thumbs —
you made caricatures and imitations of life.
from swans, to flowers, to butterflies —
every day you folded papers, until your hands went numb.

one day, you were out of paper
and all i could offer you was my heart
you took it, and folded, and folded, and folded.
a plane, it became, a plane to be held by the dusty old clouds.
a plane to reach places you've only ever heard stories about.
a plane you made out of my heart.

i've always loved every piece of art —
that you have made, except for that one little plane
for it distorted my heart into corners,
and took you away from me.

now, i could only wish that the cuts my little paper heart will give you would hurt as much as missing you.
well, does it hurt? does the pain remind you of me?
I want a lazy kind of love
Sleeping until noon you can rummage my mind
I'll unfold the sunlight for you
My fractured eyelids have dreamcatcher eyes
I'll carry the moon in my pocket, the lightening in my core
My poetic mouth will get us  through the nights
Unbound lips gather the earth
JustChloe Feb 2017
I miss him
I would give anything right now to hear his voice
To look into his eyes
And touch his hair
Sometimes I forget what people say about him
I forget he was 'abusive'
I guess love does make you blind
Because while everyone sees this monster
I see the only guy who ever loved me
And I guess only monsters can love me
Or only hurt people who hurt people can love me
Or only he can love me
Regardless that's over now
And the only thing I can think of is sneaking out like I use to
Knock on his door  at 3 am
Just to see his face
Hear whatever he has to say
But I can't do that anymore
I burned that bridge when everyone told me to
And all I want is to take that back
Because now my life lacks
I miss him
But I guess the doesn't matter now
I wonder of how if how i feel ever did
  Feb 2017 JustChloe
a dream that you're walking through the graveyard where i am buried, and you keep walking right past my gravestone without hesitation
JustChloe Feb 2017
I don't like to call myself anorexic anymore
because I no longer skip meals
I haven't thrown up over a toilet
and I haven't weighed myself in a year
but the thoughts still exist
my mind still counts calories
for example there are 420 in the saltine ******* I just ate
which is already half way over my daily calorie intake
or would be half way over my daily calorie intake
if I was still anorexic
which I'm not
even though I haven't thrown away my scale yet
It just sits in my room like a prized possesion
Like a priceless talesmen I gained from my last adventure
sometimes I look at thinspiration
just to remember how good it felt
not that I save the photos to my phone anymore
not that I recite the words they say in my head
my favorite one though
not that I have a favorite one
would be having collar bones that collect raindrops
because I could do that
If I really tried I could get skinny enough to capture the rain
to walk outside, feel the drops, and have them stay
I still never finish my food
not that I'm counting calories anymore
but if I was the extra pieces of food on my plate would still count \
even when I eat food just to spit it out
not that I do that anymore
not that I'm anorexic again
because I'm not
I still think I'm fat
but who doesnt
I mean if you saw me in a dress you would know what I mean
I started wearing baggy clothes again
not that I have to hide how skinny I am
Because I'm not even starving myself
You know I gained 22 pounds?
Not that that's a problem
105 was underweight
but being in the 120s is not okay
maybe I'll cut back a little on what I eat
but I'm not anorexic
trust me
JustChloe Feb 2017
He's the reason I flinch
Because when I'm with him he doesn't hesitate when hitting me
When you move to fast all I see is his fist

He's the reason I say sorry so much
Because he always made me apologize for everything I was
Everything I am And everything I will be

He's the reason I hesitate when saying love you
Why I can't trust like I want to
And why the people around me think I hate them for loving me

But maybe one day I won't flinch anymore
I won't say sorry as compulsively
And I'll be able to say I love you
To the people I trust

Maybe one day
I'll unlearn all the lessons he taught me
I'll forget how I loved when he hurt me
And move on

Maybe one day
I'll be happy
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