To be honest
I'm done with it
All of it
Since about 2 months ago when I first saw the monster in him
When my rose colored glasses came off and I saw what he truely is
But that didn't matter
Not in his eyes
And I've never been one to force goodbyes
I tried
Believe me I did
But this situation im in is no longer my decision
I don't have a choice
Because I can't bear the consequences
If I don't agree
If I don't appear when he needs me
I'm like a genie in bottle
Always doing what he wishes
Even though he never asks me anything
He Just tells me
All he does is scream
And yeah he buys me things
Keeps my wallet full
says he loves me
But I don't think he cares for me
I'm just an object to him
Like a stray dog he took under his wing
Locked in a cage
And won't let free
I just want to be let free
Breathe the fresh air
And not be scared if he sees me
Free to have my own friends
And not be scared he takes them away from me
I just want him to leave
But he won't
So now I'm stuck living like an animal
Trained to obey
And I still have to smile
Like everything is okay

i had a past drug addict tell me once that picking up smoking cigarettes helped them drop their addiction of the other dugs
it was a distraction that calmed their body and mind down when it wanted the drugs
they said they were clean for years but not a day goes by that they don't miss the drugs and the way they made them feel

you're gone
and i kissed a million different boys over and over  to replace the feeling you gave me
behind closed eyes and closed doors my mind and body replaced you with him for those few hours
i haven't seen you in years but not a day goes by that i don't miss the way you made me feel

I heard my mom saying that my body is a temple
When It took just 3 text messages to get you through my door
Your finger prints all over this broken building, my body
As you enter without even knocking, screaming you love me
As it took just one goodbye
to be forced to act like I don’t know you anymore

I heard my mom saying my body is a temple
When I stumbled drunk into your room
You took a bat to the already broken doors and windows of this building
Screaming that I’m good enough, good enough for you
then watching you roll over and ignore  my calls the next day at noon

I heard my mom say my body is a temple
When I realized mine is nothing more than the resting point along the way
Because temples are full of worship and love .
Something I have never felt inside these broken down doors and cracked walls
No my body is not a temple,
for I’m just  something you stop at because it’s beautiful,
but never the place you want to stay

You never ask me if I'm okay anymore
Is that because you know the answer
Or do you no longer care enough to find out

You never ask me if I'm okay anymore
And I don't know why you didn't stop sooner
I lie everytime, so there's no reason for you to do it

You never ask me if I'm okay anymore
I guess you could say I never ask you
But that's only bacause I know there I things that you don't want to talk me through


You never ask me if I'm okay anymore
And I think this is where I start to lose you

I use to tell myself I liked celery
That I loved the tasteless crunch
And how it always got stuck in my teeth
I told myself I loved eating it
And it was all I ate
"Celery helps you lose calories I said"
Not that that's why I was eating it
Not that think I need to lose weight
I mean have you seen me
Even though deep. Down I wish y haven't
I use to cut them up into small pieces
And eat them each slowly because
"It's takes your body 20 minuets to realize its full"
As if 3 cut up pieces of celery would fill me
You never finish your plate
One of the lesser rules of the Ana commandments
And yes I followed the Ana commandments
But i didn't have a problem
You see al I wanted to be as light as a feather
So light that when trouble came the wind would take me away
So light that I will float higher than their expectations
So far up and I can't see how I let them down
It wasn't an addiction
I wasn't mentally Ill
I just wanted to be thin
I wanted to be so tiny that I became translucent
People can look through me and see all the things I was to scared to say out loud
I was never a good liar
So when asked if I eat I just laughed and changed the subject
You see people don't look to hard at you
If you learn how to smile and nod
I could see my ribs piercing at the edge of my skin
My shoulder blades looked like wings so maybe one day I could know how it felt to truly fly
And truly be free
My spine riddled my back as if it spelled out help me in Brail
My collar bone perturded  out so I could follow it to my shoulder
I had no muscle
All the widget I had came from my burden of trying to be perfect
Held on my back as my knees buckled under the weight of my own requirements
I was 5'6
And I weighed 105 pounds
Oh how I wanted to get under 3 digits
The numbers were important to me
The number of calories in my lunch and how I could lower them
How many days I would starve
Until my hip bones looked like hers
I was so skinny I started to see the girl in magazines as fat
And every time I stood up the room would go black
But I knew how to hid he dizziness
And he bruises I would get from little things
Baggy clothes
And jokes about high metabolism
Kept people from looking to hard
No one looked close enough
I wanted to be porcelain
As rare as a diamond
And as fragile as my self esteem
So I taught myself to love celery
But never how to love myself

He's beautiful
A lot of my friends disagreed
Said why **** a guy who isn't ****
But I don't see him that way
I guess you could say "love makes you blind"
Though I'm not in love, and I can see just fine
But I miss him
Obviously
Or else I wouldn't be in my room right now crying about leaving
But I made a choice
A decision
That no matter what happens I wasn't happy with him
I'm gonna look back and remeber the hard times too
I  will remeber the times the left me
And the times he broke me
When he toyed with my sanity
Just to watch me squirm
Blackmailed that he would tell my family
If I didn't stay with him longer
Our relationship was complicated
But he did call me pretty
Or beautiful
I was his little ray of sunshine
And his diamond in the rough
He sang to me on the good days
And hugged me when I was having a bad one
He invited me out with his friends
When none of his other girls could come
He cared for me
More than most people do
And I needed that
I wanted that
And your crazy if you call that a abuse
maybe I couldn't see it
Maybe I still can't see it
But I made a choice
A decision
That no matter what happens I wasn't happy with him
I will get over it
And find somone new
Just maybe they will love me
As much as he use to

I want to text him
So bad
It's as if I'm going through rehab
Addicted to the touch of his skin
And the sting of his words
But I won't
I can't
For you

i don't know what it is
But you make me feel like I can do better than this
Like the person I pretend to be
Could actually be me

You remind me of her
So much it hurts to talk to you
Or To look at you for to long
Because she is at the edge of everything you do
It seems as if she is behind everything you say
But more than that

You  are more than just her memory
You make me happy
Something I said I would never be
I Didn't know I could smile without her
And it's been so long since I truely have

I figured out why you are so special
I discovered what you can do
But I'm not going to tell you because if you don't believe it for yourself
You will never see it

I hope one day somone makes you as happy
As you make me
Because your changing my world
And I hope one day somone can change yours