It is the smell of a salty beach,
And the smell of jasmine and perfume
It sounds like an orchestra
Full of perfectly tuned violins,
And waves crashing up on the beach
It feels like a cold wind
That makes you pull you coat tight around your face
It feels like a smooth stone in your hand
With a polished surface to run your fingers over
It tastes like coconut water,
sweet, cool, and fresh
It is the almost clear ocean on the beaches in Hawaii
It is turquoise.

Sunflowers are perfect
Their crisp evenly patterned,
brightly colored petals
and the long, strong stalks.
But there is also the darker side
the center of seeds
the layers and layers of spiraling, dark black seeds
that other animals feed off of.
but no one pays attention to the black part
everyone looks at the yellow, the happy
because that's the part the flower shows off
and the part that everyone looks at.
And why pay attention to something that makes you sad?

Her quiet comments you have to listen to hear
Her excitement over the last chapter
Her hugs she gives when I need them most
Her patience when I need someone to listen
Her acceptance of who she is
Her ability to know exactly what I need
Her understanding of my craziness
Her encouragement when I try my best
Her advice when things don't work out
I hope she knows how much she is loved.

i need a reason to believe my
"friends"
haven't given up on me.
i need a reason to understand why i am so unlikable
i need a reason to know why i'm always the last pick
with better
kinder
prettier
people always climbing over me.
i need a reason to understand where my qualifications for being considered "worth it"
went wrong.
i need a reason for the endless feelings of loneliness and isolation.
i need some solid substantial evidence that can help explain why the second i start trusting someone
they seem to forget about me.

is this paranoia?
is this a normal situation my mind is altering?

is this reality?
is this the way it has to be?
with being last and being left out and simply not being enough to be
included?
if this is the way it is going to be,
please just give me a reason why.

- a.g.

I had my first dream last night that you weren't in.
not even a minor character,
your ****** name wasn't even in the credits,
let alone plastered across the sky in flashing lights
like you want it to be.
my first reality that you didn't belong in,
and it was the most blissful peace that I can remember since we bathed in pools of cloud.

I heard the first song that didn't make me think of you yesterday.
the lyrics, for once, were just lyrics,
not an embodiment of you and the things you do.
guess what?
it was coldplay.
you always hated coldplay.

this morning, I basked in the sun and didn't picture you coated in gold light beside me.
I didn't look at the leaves adorning the trees and picture your face laughing beneath it.

I didn't trace the plate lines of my palm and imagine the earthquake we used to create when yours collided with mine.

I didn't eat new food that I wanted you to try and I didn't want to share the smallest details of my day with you.

you may have won this poem, loverboy,
but don't be too triumphant.
your victory won't last long.
it's the era of my new beginnings without you and I'm going to be just fine.