as i passes the streets
i see things getting rebuild
or a fave shop getting deconstructed
or old abandoned building turned into houses
it put me back to perspective
how fast time flies from our fingertips
it's like a fast forward button
you know it's there but you're oblivious to it
not knowing how fast you jump forward
always wanting for it to be over
to go to a period where you'll feel happier
forgetting to savor the feeling of just being alive
rushing through life like it's a chore
then reminders like this slaps you on the face
how much time have we spent
on wishing for better times, and never realizing that as each 'tick tock' of the clock means
more time have slip between your fingers
you can never hold on to time
they're like birds unseen in the horizon
but reminder like this remind us
we never really know how
precious time is until it ran out.

my heart soars
everytime i hear your steps
fluttering weakly as you walk closer
and closer and closer
it dies as a meek little thing
as you passes me to another flower

Goodbye,
to the long nights
filled with your endless chatter
while your presence burrow itself
deeper in the cavern of my cranium
seeping through every pores

(i should've taken my antibiotics more)

Goodbye,
to the constant warmth
and burst of vivid life
that you painted on me with colored chalk
despite me telling you that i'm a black board

(maybe i should've told you i'm allergic)

Goodbye,
to the feeling of falling
and not being afraid for the impact
the dizzying senstation that flooded inside
of the daily dose of adrenaline rush
you taught me to not be scared

( i'm not scared anymore because i've reached the ground)

Goodbye,
to your kindness and intimacy
your fold and creases and lines
the labyrinth that i would gladly be lost in forever
would gladly throw away my maps and my common sense so i could just learn about you more

Hello,
to the first chapter after you


( all that time charting made me know how you work, it doesnt make it easier to swallow why you made yourself a stranger to this known walls )

They say,
"Your body is a temple."
Does that mean
I need to purge
my self out of it?

I woke up to an empty room.
another day of pills and liquor
to forget how painful a heart broke is.
How it feels like you're
burning and freezing at the same time.

Swallowing the pills down,
I force my self to function.
even though I feel like walking on a bed
of jagged pieces of my heart
that is left brittle and wasn't mine anymore
It pumps weakly, desperate for the feeling
of warmth and happiness.

My heart is yours and you discarded it.
Leaving it unwanted on the floor that I used to call a solace from world.

You discarded it on the room where you proposed your undying love to me.

I chug down bottle after bottle of numbness.
trying to drown down your tutting voice that reminds me to take care of my self.
Trying to drown all the memories of us with the golden toxic that I stocked up in the cupboard because it's your favorite.

I want to tell you that I didn't shed any tears.
You would smile at that
and said," That's my girl".

It hurts that I am not your girl anymore.
It hurts that even consuming all the things I wished you would stop using, I still can't hate you for leaving.
I still can't hate you after you engrave abandontmend into my tailbone, making my spine cold and heavy with unsecurity and dread.

I still can't hate you so I'll hate my self.

So I chug and chug again.
Swallowing pills upon pills.
Over dosing my self with numbness because
feeling the pain isn't an option.
I've built my life around you and the walls are crumbling and crumbling and crumbling.
I'm to ******* afraid that once the numbness is gone i'll be left only as ashes to scatter.

Misery is my constant companion these days.

I've learned the curve of it's lips kissing the top of my head,
remember the sound of it's voice as it soothe me into a state of catatonic disarray and the diability to continue dancing with life.

I forgot how to dance with out a partner.

I still have not shed any tears for you.
Your smile and your laugh keep echoing in my head and I want to scream until i turned into a shade.

I wonder If I'm trying to turn my self into the wraith that you always fascinated with.

I still wear the ring on my finger. I tried throwing it away but my eyes burns and I do not want to be a promise breaker.
Even if my whole body is trembling and my every beat of my heart brings sparks of pain that sears to my body, I will not be a promise breaker.

I still wore your ring on my finger.

So I chug again and again and again.
Until my mind was hazed enough, unable to make the connection of gold to your eyes.
To make a connection of white to your teeth.
To temporarily ceased to remember you and your stupid hair.

To temporarily forget about how it feels like my hearts is being squeezed tight every time I see you anywhere.

There's white foam on the corner of my mouth.
It reminds me of Hans Christian's Little Mermaid.
Of the mermaid's love and how it turned her to foam.

So when the morning light comes, I wished for my self to turn into foam instead of days where it is filled with broken bottles, white pills, and the fact that you left me for my sister

I wish for me to be strong enough to stab the heart that yearns for you and remove your ring from my finger.

bells and wheatgrass on your hair
the way your wrist deflect
every hand shake coming your way
a smile that was never quite there
twitching between beaming
and solid wall

sand colored ribbon tied to your thumb
how you carve every word
from the dictionaries into the walls of your mind
making sure you always have a weapon
in your artilleries to shield you
from humanity and their helplessness

foggy glasses and dew stained mouth
every time you breathe out
there's pain lacing every
carbon dioxide exhalation
there's also release in the way
you take pleasure in knowing
you have less and lesser time existing

lime sneakers and muddy jeans
you keep telling your self that
the voices inside your head
will never be more than that
until the day the pungent smell
of guts dying sears them self
into your head space and lungs

streaks of paint on your neck
the taboo's you want to feel
gliding against your nerves
grating them until you stop feeling
empty between your ribcage
filling you so full of void,
you want to rip it open

red stripes on your back
you look at the broken mirror
in the failure you call a heart
how it still pumps and pumps
no matter how many times
you wished it stopped

meteors lining your veins
at night you close your eyes
and let the ocean crashes against your walls
tasting how salty the water is agains your tongue
thinking how sad it is
to love something that have life as their grave.

brimstone and fire
ready to engulf anyone
to burn or be burned
Shield that destroys