That is my biggest weapon, I am completely outrageously, beautifully, terrifyingly mad.

How did I get here? I have un buttoned my chest and unfolded my lungs presenting them to you. Hoping maybe you would help me breathe easy. I’m so tired of having to fight all the time, for the things I want, and the things I don’t want. I’m so tired, sometime I cry when I wake up.

How could anyone ever love something as easy as me? Yes, I suppose I am easy, I believe everything I am told with hopeful eyes, I see everything covered in gold and hold anything as a treasure. I do not know if that makes me wealthier or not.

I wish I knew what making love felt like,
if anyone knows that at all. I keep dreaming that I see him again.
But in my dream when I held him we merged into one being,
and I wept or he wept but I left him there because I wanted something new,
Something that didn’t feel so beautifully harmful. But would you listen to me I'm lying.

I do not want simplicity,
I have never wanted simplicity ,
I will never be simplicity
please, please, please fall in love with me.
There will always be more to see, things to find and uncover and I will make you eternal, turn you into ink and paper, make your existence tangible. You believe you know the meaning of life for there is none, but I disagree. The only meaning is to take something incomplete and turn it into something worth its content.

I am humiliated, my insides flooding out of me,
melting from my inside out. Just like the night light I had on my bed side ad a child,
the one that started melting night after night with my parent’s fight after fight. I did not want to sleep anymore,
if I didn’t sleep it didn’t melt and we would never have left.
I do not sleep.
please do not humiliate me.

Do not sow my chest to your feet and drag me into you our bed sheet where you unbutton your chest and lay within someone else’s. Be careful, I am easy.
Easy enough to love anything but easy enough to destroy anything too. That is my biggest weapon, I am completely, outrageously, beautifully, terrifyingly mad.
mad mad mad mad mad and loving.
That is my biggest weapon, I am completely outrageously, beautifully, terrifyingly mad.

in the garden of my heart
God planted a mustard seed
gave me the gloves
& departed

i gave the mustard seed
love & devotion
& for a while
rooted myself in
God’s ground

and then the roots spread
some into the soil
& some into the gravel
& in the gravel i found
most of my sustenance

the devil had found his way
into my garden
& his ashes spread over the fertile ground
suffocating & sterilizing

the roots in the soil of God
found no water & withered
until they crumbled like dust
a ghost of ancient veins


& for a while i found my happiness
the devil can make rotten fruit
taste like the sweetest honey
so long as you smile
for him

until one day
the devil grew tired of my smiles
& he found doubt in my heart
his fruit was not so sweet now

my roots withered & burned & putrefied
even in the gravel that had once been my home
i was a mustard seed
small & scared & alone

i found my love & devotion
and was careful to sow only in the soil,
though only on the edges
for surely God could not forgive
i had eaten the forbidden fruit

until one day
God beckoned me further from the edges
He gave me love & devotion
just as i had given my mustard seed


under His love i grew
and spread my roots firmly in the soil
and there i was no longer a mustard seed
but a lily blossom