It's a new level of age
To forget that the weather changes day to day
And as she looks out behind curtains much older than I am she comments on the rain
"Like blood,
Splattering sidewalks
Drenching us in sorrows
Sylvia
My Sylvia
High noon and her heart was in a novel of faraway lands
I miss her more than life
I miss her more than I miss the sun"
But clouds always pass
And the ****** scene patios dry up under the lights
Removing any evidence that we'd been soaked in gods wrath
And I can remember her asking me about God
Clear as the day that breaks after a storm
She leaned in close
Breath hot from sherry and eyes a little wild for a woman of over a thousand full moons
"What do you think of God?"
I was struck
Never once had her lips spoke of anything holier than thou
She told me that God was a woman
Stormy hair and ocean eyes
"And I know she's waiting for me
Sprinkled in the mist
Hidden in lunar beams
I speak to her sometimes
But never does she coax me closer into the dark corner of this room
But when she does I'll be ready
Thin skinned from age
Ready for flight."
But she hasn't come yet
And you sit in that chair looking out that same window as the conifer dances in the breeze
And at night you cry yourself to sleep
Cursing that God who took your baby from you
"If she is a mother-
Why does she bring me this grief?
I want to hold my Sylvia
I love my Sylvia."

Soon I'll be far away again
the lapping shores the only thing keeping me from you
but you should know that I would swim oceans for you
even if it was just to see a glimpse of those blue mischievous  eyes
always the most beautiful in the setting city sun
How will I live knowing I won't awake with you entwined around me?

Where do the hours go?
With you I'm always losing track of time
I'm at your whim
Have I ever told you that I'm crazy?
That I'm a little bit deranged?

Baby
I'm losing my mind
Sweetheart
It's something about the way you laugh at stupid things
and make jokes just to hear a room beat with laughter
Your voice turns to a hum when I look at you sometimes
realizations like lighting striking me when you fall asleep
arm across my stomach like you're afraid I'll leave
because I've told you before how I learned from my mother how to run
and I'd been doing it ever since I realized boys stared at my waist
not ever listening to my words as I try to explain myself
****** hands hidden behind my back like a broken vase

My father told me that I was too beautiful for my own good
eyes alive  like the sky  at dawn the first morning you didn't sleep
hair wild as I slow down to look at the view
and he always got angry when I did that
stopped dead to stare at the fading pink light of a day coming to an end
You don't get angry
you  just stop and look at me with the same gaze I give that setting sun
and I swear
out of the corner of my misted eyes I see you smile
run your fingers through your hair as you wonder what I'm thinking
and I've always been afraid
afraid  that in the moments I spend with you that you realize
that you see that I'm thinking of one thing only
you
and I stare at the street lamps far below a little longer
tempting you to find out how much I really love you
to come closer and ask me what runs through my aching heart
but you  keep your distance
I wonder if you just know that later when my speech is clouded I'll say it
as I always do in the early hours of the morning
smoking out my deepest secret like trying to coax a ghost

I wish your lips weren't so protective
holding in lovesick notes even when drinking the clearest false securities
and she wants us to go far away
and when you express how fond you are of her company she looks down
everyday I see her I realize how similar we are
twin stories of mismatched fears and wanderlust
does she know about the way I claw at your skin as if looking for a way in
bruised ribcage under lust stained sheets
she used to eye me like I was a panther inching closer
irises daring her kin to set me off
but I'm no time bomb
and I think she sees that now

I'll always remember the time I realized I loved you
the first time, at least
it was too quick to know
and I was far too invested as you watched me glare at you past branches
only to fall asleep with my hair tangled in your fingers hours later
does time pass differently to you when I'm asleep next to your waist?
fluttering eylashes onto your knees like tiny dancers
I wonder if you ever notice the soft skin peaking under my shirt and sigh
thinking about how you'd long to slowly take off my clothes in the dark
teeth hitting bare skin of my collarbone as if I'm prey you've finally caught

I think of endings a year in advance
I always have, as if everything is terminal the second I say "I love you"
maybe that's why I don't say it
maybe I just assume with every lost memory I discover like a shipwreck
and ever passing whisper I recall
you see how entranced I am
my whole existence has bits of you like gems within it
or possibly they all encompassed you already
and the paint hadn't chipped enough to reveal you yet

When you're sad you sing songs to me about Venice
and the way your mother used to wear her hair to her shoulders
orange milky light stained every window like melted gelato
and you wondered if you'd ever find a girl who's heart was Murano
all lit up in the night like a summer sweet dream
when the air is hot and everyone's cheeks are a little red
their hair curly from the salty spray of the sea
you'd mark her neck until it looked winestained

but you appear  so sad when you tell me these stories
a faraway look in your vacant mind

I could be your merlot skinned girl
I can have eyes like the italian hills
rolling into the horizon
always having you search for the tallest one
Let me be your Venice
Let me be your home

My nights are mine and mine alone
And your heartbreak soaked thoughts shouldn't have to entice a deeper feeling just because I love you
But the devil is in your heart
under every inch of your skin
Someone told you long ago that you could cut him out
But I think they meant with words and not with blades
Your memories are shallow
And I often catch myself wondering if you're just speaking of your dreams
Because my boy is flesh
He's green eyed with messy hair
Lips that wander
Your boy is only awoken after I've mentioned mine
As if it's sirens singing in your head that to be worth something you must have lust struck eyes
And a soul that knows no permanent visitor
You blame me
And I know you blame her
And we both run relay
With the wind always nipping at my ankles as she talks you down from your ledge
Moon drenched skin and the smell of smoke
It's not fair you always get to cry wolf even though I'm the one inches from its ****** teeth
It's not fair you get to love me more than he does

Mornings are far lonelier than nights
For although I awake before dawn I speak no words except maybe a half hearted hello to a passerby
And I smile not unless someone puts themselves out there to greet me first
To put yourself out there in the rising sun is to expect the best of everyone
Because I am not a morning person
But how could they possibly know?
Mid afternoon you emerge from slumber
Sending me drowsy greetings without the knowledge of my current state
But how could you possibly know?
The start and stop of the buss pulls on my heartstrings like a harp
Giving me the false notion I'm closer to a destination where I can finally rest my head again
It's as if the driver has chosen to prolong this journey to its highest extent
An attempt to get me to realize how precious this life I've been given is
But if anything it makes me worse
And blank faces surrounding me only remind me more of my insignificance
But how could he know?
I love the way the cold light hits my right cheek
Always causing me to squint it away as if I don't want it
But I do want it
Morning light has always been my treasure
A feeling of clarity I wish I could bottle and bathe myself in when the night comes
As it always does
With dark cornered thoughts
As it always does
With a star sprinkled grin and swollen milk moon eyes
And everyone who says their heart is stone is lying
And everyone who says they're happy to be breathing is telling that same old tall tale our parents have said to us since we could understand what it meant to be lonely
Because in reality we're somewhere in between
Constantly fumbling for that light switch in our mind to turn our thoughts off
But I'd be lying if I told you that these are truths I myself hold to the highest importance
And even though it all will pass like the minutes I wait for an excuse to laugh
How could I know?
How could I know?

I have a bad habit of sticking my head out of windows that don't belong to me
swallowing smoke in the cold as I try to validate this existence
the setting london sun has never been this orange
and I can vividly remember you saying how wherever I go I seem to drink the color around me in a slapdash effort of being the most beautiful thing in the room
and it doesn't work
it never works

But now it's him
and suddenly I'm looming over his warm body
ripping everything off that isn't skin
when god split us apart did he keep the notes he made on how to put us back together?
because I hate this cold separation
and I don't care if people stare at my neck
the painting you left on my fleshy canvas
and I don't care if you don't feel as much as this ash filled heart
because I'll stay up late writing down everything you make me feel
you sleep so close to the edge of your bed I worry you'll fall
would bruises bring you more comfort than your arm around me?
listen to this
my sad ramblings in attempts to try and love you less
I don't appreciate it when you look at me like that
with your mischievous eyes
Why do people say they fall in love?
I'm being dragged
weighed down with every nice word and warm embrace

Everyone has a story they tell when they've had one too many
I listen to them like radio shows on a forgotten channel
and if you hang around someone long enough you see how they change
I don't ever want to be your drunken tale
the girl who loved you too hard you got scared
the girl who felt everything with such intensity you fled  

This love is deeper than any cut I've ever had
they could severe both my hands and it wouldn't be as painful
because you know my tendency to overthink
and every goodbye could be final
I try not to let it get to me
when I'm alone and the only light is that filtered yellow from streetlamps

I can't help but notice you don't look at me when you sing
but instead close your eyes as your fingers speak more than your words
more than any message you've ever left me at 2 AM
I can't help but notice how you're all I seem to think about

Corridors lined with paintings
but all I seem to stare at is you
Rooms full of music
I just want to listen to you
My current self curses my past at the memory of her lust filled wants
Such a stupid little girl
unaware of the tidings love would actually bring down upon me
like hellfire
like hail
now even organic connections don't do you justice
because no offense to the moon, sun, or all of the stars
but you're more beautiful than anything I could have ever dreamed
I just wonder if you feel the same

Lurking in the shadows
Their eyes as yellow as rays of moonlight
They wait for me with the knowledge that star studded nights call on me
more often than friends
and tonight is a rhinestone studded leather jacket
one I cannot fathom missing a chance to try on

From the forest they'll watch me
teeth glistening as they run their tongues over each molar
saliva and anticipation both dripping from open jaws
as they watch me come closer the leader of the pack speaks
he is large
and knows a lot more than I do
at least that is what he tells me
and I listen
I always listen
for my eyesight is not very keen
I can't even throw words without having them stick to the wrong people
but my ears are alert enough to hear crickets in thunderstorms
there are many crickets tonight
and their symphony is lulling
but I am only listening to the wolves voices,
as what they say is important

"How are you?" he asks
even though we both know he does not care
there is one thing on his mind,
the answer to the question he asks every night
the thing that keeps him awake
I am the prey he has yet to catch

I sigh,
and kick at broken bones at my feet
the rest of the pack is impatient
and near the back a pup is silenced as he begins to cry out
I know the answer he wants
but it is not the answer my tongue itches to give
my heart and head want different things
as they are both aching and want it to end

The wolf wants me dead
he has from the beginning
It used to only be in the night
now it seems to have found my way into my veins
and I cannot even look to the sun without imagining his eyes at my throat
when I am trying to sleep he will whisper threats
always in the form of sweet nothings
as if trying to ****** me

My lips part and I am about to speak
but there is a light that makes itself present above us
the sun is rising
and I can see the wolves squint
this has happened sooner than they expected
in the morning light different thoughts awake
I begin to question why I'm out of bed

It is as if my daytime self is different than my nighttime self
and at the sight of sunbeams my nighttime persona snarls
my daytime heart has taken over
and suddenly I am afraid,
an emotion that my night body does not feel

I turn back to the mouth of the forest
but the wolves are gone
and for the what seems to be the first time in my life
I am happy to be alive

From the shadows my night soul tries to warn my current state
it will not last
and the wolves will be back at dusk
the same question on their tongues

A glass of water, twenty sit ups
I like the way you eye me like candy
yet avoid me like a time bomb
five minutes until detonation
six minutes to figure out what to say when I am near you

A walk around the neighborhood, one house with it's lights on
Some people say “I love you”
You say “Go to sleep”
they mean the same thing
but I'm not tired

A crooked chin, thirty minutes late
You only talk to empty chairs and darkness
You only love things from 1978
I could be your ghost
if you want me to

A tear stained face, two parents who don't care
“It gets a little lonely, pretending to want to be alone”
I only get up early on days you say you'll be there
Why does it always end up that I am on my own?
Always?

A calendar from last year, three bruises on my neck
What is your favorite type of silence?
Mine is the kind when everything that can be said has been spoken
The kind where no one has an excuse anymore
No more secrets