When the thing killing you
Doesn't care

The little girl.
Bring me back the little girl.
The one who used to live
With no worries for tomorrow.
The one whose heart was full
And dreams were in colour.
Find her for me.
Tell the girl I miss her
And that I've look ferociously all over for her.
I've taken many paths in the past,
That promised our reconciliation.
It's been years now and
I still haven't reached her destination.
So help me find her.
On my own I've tried,
To retrace my steps and figure out where we parted ways.
Nothing comes to mind.
Instead I find her in the tender memories of my youth
And she's playing a game in the rain.
Bring her here,
In this moment.
I need to hear her laugh.
I need to hear her voice sing me a hymn
So her song can soothe my tormented soul
So I know indeed that it'll be alright.
Find me the little girl, won't you?
And bring back her naive self to me
This is a girl I used to know
The little girl that used to be me
Tell her this is where I need her to be
This is where I need her most

In the company of me, myself and I
Behind this concrete.
We cry for the ones that got away
and the ones that let us go.
We cry for the friends we were forced to forget
after they stabbed us in the back
The “soulmates” that come and go as they please;
and eventually never come back,
despite their promise to stay forever.
It would seem, ''forever'' has plenty definitions
and to the ones I gave my heart to,
it meant a few months.

Still alone with me, myself and I
Behind these walls.
We weep over spilt milk
The time we lost,
pathetically trying to put it back in the jug.
We weep over the bridges we begrudgingly burnt
in an attempt to move on.
We mourn the bad decisions we willingly made.
Our foolishness, when we actually did know better.
My emotions have betrayed me.
If only I had listened to reason,
I would not have experienced all this treason.

Oh leave me be!
Leave me here in my sweet solitude.
I can't bear to hear you say, it'll be alright.
Not when all that's unfolding before me is wrong.

I want to stay here behind these high towers,
Lick my wounds and stay in safety.
Call me a coward if you will!
Call it a prison if you must!
But peace is all I want.
When I'm outside
Moments with them keep playing
Their colourful memories,
all day they haunt me.
And for as long as I'm awake.
In the back of my mind,
their beautiful faces taunt me.
Just no escape.
No courage either
to deal with them head on, so I remain
Behind these high walls
Guarded by barbed wire.

When I called for you
I didn't expect you to turn
You don't love me like I love you
I've come to learn
I knew it was over that day
when you came to me
Like a tyrant, just glaring at me
And every word you said after, oh so mean
Suddenly you don't want us to be
Suddenly ''this'' wasn't meant to be
But come on this is me!
My darling this is meee
The same you claimed to own your heart
The same you told we'd never grow apart
Am I hearing you right when you say
Your love for me has blown away?
Tell me, was it ever there?

You get up and so you're off
Not caring to turn back
I say yes, walk on
Forget that when your back was weak
I carried your burdens
Forget that when ''friends'' stuck knives in it
I tended the gashes
And yet today you're turning that back towards me
Today you're the one killing my heart
After I nursed your wounded one

Tears streaming down my face
I called for you
Silly me still needed you!
I should've known you wouldn't turn
Because since we were
Your love for me never was
Now this
I've come to learn

If the skies suddenly cleared up
And my tears suddenly dried up
Would my days then, be the same as old?
and would my heart then, go back to being whole?

If another came by
And swept me off my feet
Would my mind then,
forget how I loved you and also follow?
Would my heart then,
finally give up on you
and stop feeling oh so hollow?

It’s just. I got tired.  

Usually I would shrug it off;

but the feeling that I was getting played wouldn’t shake off.

Suddenly I couldn’t say ”it’s okay” after each let down.

I somehow, could no longer pardon the mistakes that were evidently becoming habits.

You know how it goes…

You leave, I stay. I hope. And wait

You come back; eventually…

Only to do it all over again; and of course I’m the loser in all of this.

It just made no sense to me anymore;

To be holding on when it seemed so easy for you to go.

Made no sense for me to fight for a love you give up on very readily at the face of every stormy argument.

And I know you’re thinking we can make it alright again but truth is-  it never was.

Nothing charming about broken promises.

Nothing romantic about the break up, make up dance.

It’s all just; so disappointing.

I know you’re sorry my love.

Oooh I can tell you’re very sorry; I just can’t seem to care.

I don’t see why I should.

You didn’t care that with each hurt the light in my eyes grew dimmer.

You didn’t notice that each time, the faith I had in you grew fainter.

Please forgive me for coming across so harsh.

It’s just I don’t need another “I really don’t know what I was thinking’’.

No. What I need; is change.

‘Cause the jokes you’d to crack to get me laughing after you’d just made me cry; stopped being funny.

The ‘’take me back’’ pancakes stopped being sweet and cute.

So do allow me to be the one who says sorry this time.

Sorry for letting you down on this round.

But somehow for the life of me, I can’t seem to find it in my heart to do the dance again!

I guess I really am, just tired

Are you tired? Are you worn out that you can’t even look up anymore? So weary that you can’t even say a word to Heaven anymore? Are your shoulders aching, is your neck stiff? Is your heart breaking when you see your plans fall apart? Well tell me; have you considered MY plans for you?

And when you try to sleep, do you spend hours tossing and turning, dreading the morning that is to come? Do you lay in bed wishing in the dark? My darling, have you considered praying?

At the crack of dawn in your mind you say it’s just another day. Another day to bring about the life you’ve come to loathe. You’re so worried about all that is going wrong that you forget My promises to you. Do you dare to trust my word? Open it, read it. That is how you will know me.

Come now, open the curtains. Let the sun rays fill your room. Watch darkness dissipate and know that is how it works when you let me into your life. Yes, breathe in the crisp air and hear the birds sing. Now tell me, do you remember what I said about the sparrows and the fields? Matt 6:26. Tell me what I said concerning burdens? Matt 11:28-30. Indeed I will relieve you, only if you leave them with Me.

And when you cry, have hope like David that I put your tears in a bottle.  Psalm 56:8. No hurt happens to you that goes unnoticed. Cry to ME! Not your mother, your friends and make Me the last option…cry to Me. I’m the one who made you, the one who knows you. In the secret, you’ve told me things you swore you’d take to the grave untold. I saw your scars and though you were not weeping, I saw your tears. None of them fell to the ground! Hear me, even then I was around. I will always be around, come to Me, speak to Me….allow Me to do what I will with you and I will clothe you with strength, endurance, perseverance. I will cover you with my blood.

Before you give up, know this, I died for you too. When I was tempted to give up on mount Gethsemane (Matt 26:39), I saw YOU also and persisted so you could be set free from darkness and come into My courts dancing. Before you give up, remember I died so you could live. Lazarus come out of the grave you’ve built for yourself and LIVE!

-Jesus