Can you break a heart
that has never been whole?
Can you crush a soul
that is already torn?

But this is a beating heart;
this is a living soul.
There is so much left to unfold.

We spent so much time drawing on sidewalks
with chalk
leaving messages for old friends
threats for enemies
and instructions for our future selves
how many years did it take us to reach the end of the pavements
spilling cheese puffs all over the place
the clues were on your fingers
once in a generation there are kids who always speed when
they turn 16; reckless loose and free like an avalanche
towards the sea I made a bet with you that I could swim to the horizon
but I can’t swim
I’m a body full of empty threats
but I always kept my promises close to me
did it take long for you to forget
so many nights abroad with them
once in a lifetime for everyone
the world swallows the sea
so I didn’t need to know how to swim that night
there was you and you would always wear sundresses when you went out
and when you died they donated all your clothes to the children's hospital
sometimes when I go there I still see you running around outside
drawing on sidewalks

Taking in each breath is hard to grasp. My feelings are torn, I'm empty on gas. I feel like I've cried my last tear. **** what a way to start off my year. I know it seems as if I've lied to you again or that I'm playing pretend. But the way that I'm feeling is confusing again. Am I living a lie? Will I die a question? Into the pits of hell, where It seems that I'm destined? I know I'm a child of God but I've sinned to much. Over and over, with the same stuff. I need to get away, I need to run fast. But I'm empty on gas. Yeaa I know, running isn't the solution. The world is filled with the same things, the world is freaking pollution. It doesn't matter where you are. But that's why I started over. I was on the right track but I guess I fell back. These demands are taking over, like these wars will never be over. Lord please, save me from this disease. I beg you. With you I'm at ease but once I'm alone again I shut down with no means. I feel like cant live no more. No suicidal thoughts. Feel my heart beat, hear my thoughts, I'm learning as I live and that's real. If you understand this then you might understand how I feel.