Dear heart,
I'm sorry for not listening,
I'm sorry for not waiting.
I'm sorry for giving you to the
person I'd thought would love you,
But he ended up breaking you instead.

Dear heart,
I'm sorry for the pieces he left behind,
Pieces i can't glue back together.
I'm sorry that your now default,
I hope one day you'll beat once more,
Like you used to beat before.

And then in a single night,
Everything,
The pain, the anger, the fears,
The sadness, the tears.
Just came crashing down.

And then you ask yourself,
That's all it took?
A single night? A single moment?
But there was nothing,
Just a big empty space and nothing in between.

I’m addicted to the feel of cold metal sliding across bare flesh
Addicted to the instant
when nothing marks smooth skin
immediately before
red rivers rapidly rise
painting a once white canvas
with a flood of emotion,
tears on my cheeks,
sobs caught in my throat,
numbness replaced by pain & sadness.
Addicted to the imperfection
of red welts and dotted scabs that follow,
fingers drawn like magnets
to the texture of healing skin,
tracing over and over and over now fading ridges
Amazed that I am strong enough
to heal myself over and over and over.
Convincing myself that I am strong enough.
I find strength in my weakness.

Yes! I get it, I broke my promise,
But it's not like I wanted to.
Yes! I get it, I gave up on us,
But you also gave up on me.
Yes! I get it, I turned away,
And I've tried to be better, but you've changed.

I've own up to my lies,
I've been proving myself ever since.
I've given up on us, but not on you,
I've tried showing you that I'm getting better.
I gave up my self respect to earn yours,
All I need was you to see me.
Like you always did,
But you didn't and you broke all your promises.
You left me with my scars exposed,
Bleeding out red.
Now whose the betrayer now?

                                                   Ash

All the stares,
I'm use to it.
All finger pointing,
I'm use to it,

Being betrayed,
I'm use to it.
Being replaced,
I'm use to it.

Being the second option,
I'm use to it.
And you might think I'm a waste of space,
But the truth is, I'm use to that too.
                      
                                                    Ash

Don't tell me you love me,
If you don't see a future with me.
Don't let me fall for you,
If you're not planning on catching me.
Don't make me any promises,
If they're all just empty.

Don't make me feel loved,
If you're gonna use it against me.
Don't take my heart,
If you're just gonna break it.
Don't promise me forever,
When you really mean good bye.

                                                              Ash