I have been the 'mum friend' for as long as I can remember
Making the plans and giving honest yet kind advice
Settling disputes and taking responsibility for my friends mistakes
Taking care of them, protecting them

Then the other night we went out, girls night!!!
It was also my birthday, so I had a few too many shots
(And a few too many more)
And was sick
Nobody held my hair because they were all wrecked

I realised, knelt on the ***** club floor
Clutching onto a toilet lid like it was worth a fortune
That no one had even thought to look after me
It wasn't even a possibility that I might need help
I left the club alone, telling them that I was tired
No one offered to come with me to make sure I was safe

It might not sound like a big deal, girls do it all the time right?
Let a friend leave the club on a Saturday night alone
I got the usual 'I feel gross' morning text
I didn't bother replying
How long until they ask me how I got home?

I take a deep breath and slip under the water
There is no grace or elegance
No caution or concern for the waves created,
I breathe freely for the first time in what feels like weeks
The sweet sensation of burning in my lungs
(A reward for waiting so patiently)
I don’t think I’ll ever lose that initial panic at the suffocation,
The clawing at my throat a constant reminder of where I am,
But the deeper I sink
The easier it becomes to swim down
It is, I think, a beautiful contradiction
The longer I drown myself, the darker the murky depths I live in become
The more I crave this broken ecstasy I have created

If we were stars then my dear you'd shine the brightest
You give off magnetic energy,
The type people can't help but gravitate towards
Each collision creates a supernova of colours and,
Oh, my dear, it truly is a beautiful sight
To watch you explode, causing a ripple effect that can be felt for miles
As you pull people in closer it's like they have no choice
You are chaos personified and nothing can escape your wake
I have long since given up trying

Is it cruel to bite back when my teeth are sharper,
When the skin is softer and the flesh is delicate
How can I be blamed for reacting this way,
This is all I've ever been taught
I have long since accepted that,
To not bite back is to accept the weakness crafted for you
And to not bite at all is to craft your own.
I do not fear death and that's the first thing you need to understand
It is also the hardest
Why would I fear the unquestionable ending to my story,
I may as well live for the rush of my own anger
The thrill I get from pain
Denying who I am only delays the inevitable,
Maliciousness is in my nature
Blood and venom flows through my veins
Everything I do follows one simple rule:
Bite first and bite hard
Because they won't be able to fight you with their throat ripped out

I was meant to be so much more than I am,
I have long since learnt my weaknesses but they have not changed
I haven't even tried to face them.
Plans were made for me which did not include me losing my mind,
My mental struggles were never part of the picture but here we are,
Standing so far from the edge I know logically I should be safe
Yet I feel like I'm already drowning.
Hard work has never scared me, and I'll gladly put in the time
I know I can work non-stop to reach the end goal,
But every time I pick up the pen my hand cramps and my vision blurs
And it does not stop until I do
But, plans have been made.
I can't wander from the path set else I'll lose it
And if don't have a path then I have nothing

It's exhausting
Feeling vulnerable and angry all the time
A walking contradiction that pushes and pulls at my chest
Am I too strong or too weak if I hurt myself?

It must be lonely among the stars
To burn so brightly but be so unrecognisable
So painfully dull
You're only beautiful when you're colliding with another
A masterpiece created out of ashes and atoms