what do I do
when the boy I love
wants nothing more than a ****
and I'm not ballsy enough to say no
he won't love me if I say no
but he probably won't love me anyway
what do I do
when I've fallen for a boy
who doesn't love me back
no matter what he says in the dark
what do I say to him
when he asks me for a hug
but when I said no the first time
I felt like crying
because all I want is his arms wrapped around me
what do I do
when the boy I love
is using me
for god knows what
and I'm too stupid to say no
but too smart to let him
what do I say
to the boy who almost
broke my heart
but is keeping it tied together just enough
for my love to grow
what do I do
when all I want is to be happy
but the pain won't ******* go away
and I want to cut it out of me
but I can't do that because I'm not drunk enough
just sad and tipsy
and what do I do
when this almost confession of love
is basically a cry for help
and I want nothing more
than for you to read this
but honestly
I'm too scared
you'll reject this too

I let different boys touch me
Because I wanted to know
Even for a second
What it felt like to be loved
Even if the love was cheap
And it tasted like ***
Like the punchline to a joke
I never got because it was me

I let different boys have different parts of me
Parts they didn't deserve
But I offered up willingly because I couldn't give anything else
after you broke me
I was looking for different fingers
to place different pieces and hoping  the outcome
would be a masterpiece
Maybe one of them would find a way
to cover up the handprints you left all over me

I let different boys touch me because I had to prove to myself
you wouldn't be the only one
that these scars marking my body wouldn't define
my worth to be loved
I am not entirely sure  
you aren't the only one who could ever touch me without slightly  flinching

I let different boys touch me because that is all I have been taught
To be a joke
To be silent
To be ready to give until you have nothing left
- they keep leaving me and I am to scared to offer up anything more than my body to get them to stay

i have always fantasized about love
about being loved,
loving someone,
and bringing love into the world.
i have always worried that
i was unlovable
because
who would want to love
someone with so many
scars
&
bites
&
burns
&
open wounds?
someone who still fantasizes about love
when they have never seen it
outside of a fantasy

The poet lives two lives.
One on the outside,
And one in their mind.

When you look in their eyes
You could see an abyss.

If you looked long enough
You could sink into it.

But most people don’t see it.

Take the time to read the words, though,
And you would know for sure.

The poet lives in two different worlds.