Everything is falling apart.
I cut again.

something clicks
and i dont feel like living anymore
not that i usually feel like living
but at this time the urges to harm myself, the thoughts of suicide and death rise to the surface again
and i completely give in.
it becomes harder to smile,
harder to laugh,
harder to eat,
harder to be with others
i just want to be left alone but i want someone to be with me
my already confused mind becomes even more confused
whats wrong with me?
i dont know the answer..
its this episode again
not my usual depressed mood, not my usual emptiness
it is something more, something between the sadness and the emptiness
somewhere scary, and crazy
it is a place where you no longer see a purpose in living
where everything that is not very negative dies
and the demons in your head laugh and dance
my body feels week, my soul is too heavy
why am i alive again?
my muscles shake, my stomach aches, my head hurts, my eyes burn, my heart feels so empty
my hopes die, my dreams.. what dreams?
never had one of those
and the worst part of all of this
is not that i dont know why im feeling this way,
nor that im tired of being depressed every single day
it is when i know i have everything everyone wants in life, i have home, i have parents, siblings, money, education, health, faith, and yet.. i feel this way.

Do you know that feeling of wanting tow opposite things at the same time?
Drowning in your own mind, clinging to the sanity that is left.
Wanting to seek help, wanting to get worse.
Wanting to be with others and wishing to be left alone.
Hoping for a better tomorrow, hating it when it gets better.
Wishing to enjoy food, wishing to starve yourself.
Worrying about living, worrying about death.
Wanting to be homeless, wishing you have had home.
Youre broken.. You want to be put together but you want to be even more destroyed.
"What are you? Whats wrong with you?"
People ask you, and you get annoyed, but you want them to keep asking.
You hide your scars but you want others to notice.
Youre ****** up..
Everything isnt right in your life, but nothing is actually wrong either.

The thing is, we all pretend to be what we are not. And it is really tiring, to act like you are somebody else. It is tiring to be a fake. But, on the other hand, you dont really know who you actually are, and you try your best to find the person you are but get lost, get lost in the 1000 personalities you have, get lost inside yorself. And then you realize you -yourself- are a lie, you are nothing. This idea makes you scared, scared that you may disappear and fade away someday. And with the emptiness in your heart you stare at the reflection in the mirror, and hate every bit of the person you are not. And when you try to change it and get control, you become lost even more. It doesnt end, the life you live. It doesnt end, your journey of trying to find the real you. Nothing ends. You slowly become worse, you slowly lose yourself, you slowly die. And you cant get back, to the fake you, to the one who was atleast kind of happy.

A smile on the lip
Tears in the eyes,
Scars on the wrists
A mouth full with lies.
A sad little girl.

The one who sits back the class,
The one that wears large huge bracelets,
The girl who doesn't speak
The girl that her eyes are filled with tears.
Her.
The pretty tiny sad girl.

She was tired,
She hates her life,
She wished to go to a new different world
She closed her eyes,
One two three four five.

And before everyone knows,
she was gone.