If I  were to not talk to you again,
Would you notice?

If I were to just dissappear,
Would you look for me?

If I were to die tonight,
Would you mourn me?

if I were*.....
         would you?

The outside shows a girl
Who wants to be here
And join in the world's wonders.

On the inside is a girl
A girl who wishes and dreams
Everywhere she goes.

The outside shows a girl
A girl who smiles and laughs
Everywhere she goes.

On the inside is a girl
Who cries and dies a little more
As each and everyday passes.

I’m lost in my own mind
Looking for a way out;
       p
U
D
     o
          w
                n
S     i     d     e     w     a     y     s…
It’s a dead end;
I keep running into WALLS
Made of stone and brick…
Layer upon layer;
Stack upon stack…
I see the top getting closer…
Closer…
Closer…
But I haven’t reached it yet…
When will it end?
Will I see the light?
Tomorrow is a new beginning
Maybe that’ll finally be the day I escape…
A new dawn starts…
…
…
…
I’m still looking for a way out:
       p
U
D
     o
          w
                n
S     i     d     e     w     a     y     s…
Reaching the end
Running into WALLS
It’s started again…
When will this the end?

When the thought of a simple call
To the bank,
Or the doctor,
Leaves you in tears.

When working up the courage to call
Your best friend you just texted,
Or the pizza place down the road,
Leaves you with acrobatic elephants in your stomach.

When getting up on time
To go to class,
Or your job interview,
Leaves you nauseous.

When you sit there ten minutes later thinking
Why does this happen every time?
Or why can't I be normal?
Leaves you feeling like a failure.

Just say "hello"
Nope, that'll leave you wanting to *****.
Smile to them
Nope, that'll leave you shaking and sweating.
Give a wave
Nope, that'll leave you on the floor rocking back and forth.

At the end of the day
When all you can think about
Is how you were so terrified you couldn't move,
Or that you just want it to end and go away,
But knowing that it'll just keep happening

When all they can say to you is:
Just do it already.
Why do you have to make things so difficult?
Get over it!
Can't you ever act normal?
As you learn to hate yourself just a bit more
Each and every day.
As you slowly fall back
Into a downward spiral of depression.

I can not find Mae's recipe for Swedish rye bread;
I thought it was taped to the fridge next

to obituaries, and the phone number
of Joon’s Korean restaurant.  She knew

the bread recipe the way one knows the feel
of a lover’s back or a favorite character

of a cherished book.  I seldom think of her,
mostly when I am hungry or cold.  Today

I am both, and it is only September;
what will become of me by December?

I listen as trucks
rumble past

hauling broken
concrete to fill a bog;

the sound tells me to go
to the backyard

to hear songs from  
hummingbird's wings.