Please don't touch
I can't stand
To be touched
I don't know why
Something inside
Tells me to scream
No! It's not you
There is something
Wrong with me
Please don't touch
I'm not ready
To leave my childhood
I'm broken and shattered
I'm shaking
Can't you see?
Please don't touch
I know that sounds mean
I'm seventeen
Suddenly I think I'm three
Please, don't touch me.

please don’t touch me.

i’ve lost all feeling in my body.

i cannot tell if you are scratching at my flesh,

or caressing the skin i once had.

i consider both to be the same.

fingertips burn like cigarettes,

lips sting like venom,

bodies slice like blades.

please don’t touch me,

for i’ve lost all sense of comfort.

a warm bed has become a prison

and a held hand has become a shackle.

i no longer know what it’s like to be freed.


all this has become a truth-

being that i remember soft skin and a gentle touch,

but not in the form of love.

The first time I saw you a bass was being cradled in your calloused hands.
Tousled hair
And I can't find the words to explain how ridiculous you looked covered in all that anger and the I'm too cool for anyone attitude.
It made me laugh
Your laugh made me laugh
It was contagious in the way that even if someone in the room hated you at the time they would release the smallest of smiles just because of you.
I don't have any photos of us left.
But I have memories worth a billion years.
The stupid code names and the stupidity in yourself

I remember the summer of 2009-2010 and how you became super reckless after you moved to New York and I moved back to Australia.
Jumping off your roof onto the trampoline
Getting into motorcycle crashes
I was 13 by then and you were 15 ready to take on the world
But you saw me as an equal
You saw all the things in me that no one else did
I was never a little girl to you
I was just...
Your girl
We kept each other just for each other
Not letting others affect out friendship or know about us to some extent
That's what made it
What made us so truthful

I remember when you told me about the leukaemia
I hated you
I yelled
Screamed
Cried
How could you let me in like that just to tell me that you're going to die soon and there's nothing I could do
And you didn't even tell me in person
You waited till I was back to the other side of the world
All those mystery appointments finally started making sense
You were dying the day I met you
You were dying when we played music together
You were dying when we had to say goodbye
Only I refused to say goodbye cause I was convinced I'd be back next vacation
I didn't get my goodbye
You were dying while I was flying over Europe
You were dying while I visited Paris and thought of you
You were dying while I travelled around India
While I celebrated my 13th birthday and you didn't know if you'd even make it to your 16th
You did though
But not your 17th
Or your 18th
Your 19th
20th?
And later this year your 21st
You didn't get to graduate
We didn't get to have our planned reunion
Or go on all those travel plans
Play music around the world
None of it came true
Because six months after your 15 they were scattering your ashes into the ocean.
So that you could go and visit every corner on the globe anyway

Tell me Zane
Is the world really as beautiful as we want it to be?
Because there's so much I could say about how much I hate it
How much I hate you having to go away
How I hate that I've spent the past four years not hearing your voice
How I hate that you chose to go away in the end
Because you knew you were dying and just like everything else you wanted control over it
You were so stubborn
And we fought so much
There'd be days where we would refuse that the other existed cause we both wanted hold over the situation
But in the end you'd scrunch up your eyes and I'd punch you lightly in the arms and everything was perfect

I miss you
More than anything
I'm constantly reaching into the air trying to grasp any remains of you
You would think after four years I would be used to it but the space that you occupied is empty and it's hard not to notice
I'm still drowning in the fact that you loved me as much as you said you did
I'm still praying that tomorrow when I wake up you'll be here
I'm still remembering conversations and tiny details
I'm still never going to let you go
Because even though you're not here, your the reason I'm still breathing.
I can never put all these feelings into words and if I had the time to write about you all the time, there would be a **** book saga by now and you would pay me out so much for it.
I love you Zane. So **** much. I've never stopped, I don't think I ever will because it's not possible.
Rest in peace my beautiful boy.

I will always pick you,
to be my partner
I will save your place in line
despite the angry people behind me
I will laugh with you on your worst days
I will laugh with you because I know it means you're sad
I will laugh with you because I will feel awkward too
I have saved up all the gold coins you have given out
the ones you hold in your otherwise empty pockets
the ones you give out when someone really needs it
they are hard to find,
most often they've come in the form of a rumor
that saved me from hating someone
because you knew I could never hate you
they've come in the form of always choosing me
when it came down to it
they've come in the form of the hard truth
even when I didn't want to hear it
I will always pick you,
to be my partner
I will always have a spare bedroom for your one day son
just like you always had a couch in the basement for me
If only, there were soundtracks of our late night conversations
about politics
and exotic biology
we might finally win something together
I will always pick you,
to be my partner
because I have seen the best of you
and I have seen the worst of you
and I choose both
I will always pick you,
to be my partner
mostly because
I am afraid of the dark
but you hold fireflies in your chest
for the days that the sun just won't come up
I will always pick you,
to be my partner
always

I want to know you and the way
your mind spins out of control almost
every day, and the way that the tides
dance in your eyes and the way your lips
hover above mine, just slightly

leaning in for that one last kiss
and for the first time
after all of this
I will know you - in the final possible moments
that I will ever have the chance to

I would say I love her because
I really do. At first it was friendly,
then it somehow became known
that I had more feelings for her
than I meant too.

But, today I realized that I loved her.
Not the kind of love that couples seem
to feel lately. Like, the kind that comes
so fast and fades so quickly?
No, this is something... beautiful.

I didn't want her to leave.
I wanted to pull her close and
just have her nuzzle into my
painful neck. I wanted sweet
kisses to be planted there,
and for it to heal me like
they always do.

I knew I loved her when I
fearlessly kissed her in the hallway.
it was easier because nobody except
she, Morgan, and I were there so I
didn't have to worry about someone
saying something.

But, in all honesty, I wouldn't care
one bit if someone would have seen us.
She makes me happy and as I to she.
Why shouldn't our happiness count?
Why can I not show my feelings?
I am in love with her, so please
tell me how this is fair?

How is it fair that I have to hide?
Having a beautiful and healthy relationship
full of love and trust and two beautiful souls...
Why should we have to hide when
abusive relationships are allowed and
people who are are sexist and rapists
are allowed to roam the world?

All I ask is for acceptance and love.
I just want to be able to walk around
with my head held high and to
be able to hold her hand, with my thumb
caressing the back of her hand.
I just want to kiss her when I want to
and not feel like I am disturbing others.
Loving her and being with her feels so right...
So why can I not show it?

I love her... I really do.
She is my night and my day.
My dark and my light.
My winter to my spring...
Please don't take my happiness away.