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j Aug 2015
you never ask if im okay
i kiss you and i taste your lips so bitter against mine
you spat on me, your venom felt like some sort of ******* haven
id rather have you poisoning me than spend a day without you
youd rather i just ******* but no one else will give you as much attention

i want you to ask how i am, what im feeling
i want you to kiss me like you actually ******* mean it
not like you're just passing the time

i think about you and something in my stomach twists
it's not butterflies and i know that because butterflies dont sting
i didn't think you would sting and ache and bruise me this bad

i push you off me and you just walk away
i try to run back to you but i just stumble
you watch me fall and carry on walking

and no i'm not okay
j Aug 2015
the demons leak out of my mind sometimes and i swear
the people around me can see them
theyre holding up signs
telling my friends STAY AWAY FROM THIS ONE
telling strangers to beware

cant get close to anyone now
connections just dont come very easily to me
can anyone see beneath the shrouds of fog around my mind
clouding up the person i am, presenting the world with something darker

thats not me
im pleading im pleading
someone someone PLEASE see underneath
no one ever does
im waiting for someone to find the spark thats being blown out
protect it from the wind and the rain that the stormclouds produce
its going to be too late soon
j Aug 2015
i dont know you yet but who ******* cares
we're both young and confused and lonely
i dont really want this and neither do you
but its been so ******* long since i felt someones touch
and i know its the same for you
cheap love cheap beer **** blow and the comedown never ******* ends
i dont even feel the high anymore
you dont either
but we both pretend
its more fun that way isnt it?
more fun
synonymous of less awkward
reality doesn't exist to me anymore
so why be honest to the world outside
when the world outside isn't honest with me
j Aug 2015
numbers letters and shapes flicker through my brain at a thousand miles a second
i cant keep up with the thoughts that won't up and leave
i string together everything i can to create something more easy for me to fathom
your name appears instantly in my head
the only thing that ever really makes any sense
i kick through the void ive closed myself into
and i flee to you
my only escape and my only comfort
and now you're drifting away again
like before
and im reaching out to hold your hand
but i just fall to the floor
wanting more
needing it all
but everything merges together again too fast for me to keep up
i shut my door and i sit on my hands
no point trying to grasp for anything like you again

never again will i try to escape the void
the void is the only thing that keeps me sane
everything else just ***** me over
j Aug 2015
bitter inconsistencies in the world
one minute she loves me
next minute shes setting me on fire and turning me to ash in her mind

i dont know where i stand with her
i just want to stand beside her
hold her hand and remind her that her demons won't be here forever

and i'd fight them all off for her
if she would just guide me
through the shadowed parts of her mind that i know she tries to hide

i want to trace the scars on her arms and ribs
remind her that the demons cant seep back in
id kiss the marks and tell her they were permanently healed

no way for the terrors that haunt her soul
to find their way back when i banish them to hell
i'd do that for her
j Aug 2015
it's difficult to explain the inner workings of your mind
when you feel like you're living your entire life
floating through time, not exactly here
but not sure where

conversations consist of incoherent thoughts and words
nothing strings together quite like it used to
poetry isn't an outlet anymore
it's a way of ensuring words won't fail me all the time

feeling let down by my own dissonance
the inside of my head isn't in tune with the outside of my head
my thoughts don't match my actions
my words don't fit with my thoughts

mental illness or drugs? or what?
I don't know anymore, I'm not sure I ever really did
I can't get a grip on the world, and my thoughts betray me
as I'm screaming my favourite songs from the top of my lungs

I say what I mean but don't mean what I say, was I right no?
can't connect to the music like I used to
can't feel in the way that I want to

numb to everything outside of my mind
can't find my bearing outside of my mind
safer inside than outside my mind
can't get away from the thoughts plaguing my mind
stuck inside
j Dec 2014
hand in hand, we stood
under blossom trees, your palms
cold  with your fingers wrapped
around my own
dutiful, almost
you belong entangled with me
the wind carries a whisper
of our voices
let go now, let go, you're holding on too tight
but it feels like you're slipping away
through my clammy palms
your icy hands, numb but still
the pain remains
I can't let go
it doesn't feel like I have anything
left within you to hold onto
you're already gone
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