you never tried to analyze me.
you never took a flashlight to the darkest parts of my mind, never checked my aching bones to make sure they were alright.
you never checked my lungs to see that they were filled with water, never saw my shoulders, the burden they were under.
you only saw my face, readied and pristine, my face constantly smiling whenever i heard your name.
you never examined the backs of my eyes to see what keeps coming back, never checked my spine to see if something makes it crack.
you never checked my muscles, you never checked my heart. if you had dusted it for fingerprints, you would've only found his marks



[this heartbreak hollowed out my bones, and weighs a thousand pounds, it pushed me underwater, but your name, i can't quite drown out. you're trapped inside my head, i hope you do get out, you're the burden i am under, i really have no doubt. if you had checked for fingerprints, you wouldn't have been invested, if you had checked my heartstrings, you wouldn't have been tested.
you failed the science test this time and i'm so sincerely sorry. but if you had checked for variables you wouldn't have had to worry]

your fingerprints are on my heart and i haven't quite been able to get rid of them at all
it's been six months and i owe my current boyfriend an apology because ****, i don't love him
i never asked for these lingering prints and i've tried so hard to get rid of them but tears did not wash them away, and loneliness did not erase them. now im learning that a heart in new hands will not cover your marks either and to my boyfriend, i'm so incredibly sorry, but you're not him

i don't love you but hello god it's six months later and i'd like to thank you for allowing me to meet such a beautiful human being

you made it difficult for me to believe that anyone else really loves me does anyone else really love me if they won't jump mountains and cross deserts and swim oceans and run miles? because you did. and you did.

you're burned into my eyelids and you are ringing in my ears
i can sometimes feel your lips from hundreds of miles away but tonight all i can say is thank you god
it was an honor knowing you

i'm terrified of you leaving me

he told me that he left because
he could "never make me happy"
and it broke me

because you know?
i could never make me happy either

and i'm so scared
that when i'm not "i can't stop smiling" and "i'm so glad to be alive"
that you won't be able to stop me
but i just want to be good enough for you

i'm terrified of being a gray spot
in your vibrant life

my greatest fear is
that i'm going to fall apart,
and you're going to let me
and leave me with the pieces

i was diagnosed with clinical depression, and by clinical depression i mean that the weight of a ten-story building compresses my chest at all hours and my eyelids function like a broken door; i spend all day waiting until i can crawl back into bed and escape the world

the other day i got a D on a test and i cried because i'm not good enough not good enough not good enough

depression is when your lungs are not big enough and your head is not smart enough and you can't breathe can't breathe and can't sort things out

i do not belong here
i do not belong here

there are many things more important than those good grades we all strive for
like a healthy mental state
and friends
and good character

i could be my school's valedictorian,
but it wouldn't matter
when i killed myself

you could be a genius rocket scientist,
and still make this world
a worse place

you could grow up
and make millions of dollars
but have no one
to share it with
and be terribly,
terribly sad

so if you wake up on monday morning and your head is too heavy to lift, darling, stay in bed
stay in bed
for life is more important than letters

You might be a sinking ship
Stuck in the middle of an ocean that is too big
Surrounded by other boats
All of them drifting with ease
Wondering how
They manage to stay buoyant
When you are drowning

You look around
To all of these people
In the midst of floating
All of them seeming perfectly intact
These people
See you too
And not one of them knows
About the hole in your heart

The one that is filling quickly with saltwater
It is heavy and aching
And the dullness is overpowering
To the point where you almost give in
Thinking that maybe there will be relief at the bottom
That there will be comfort in letting go

Do not let go

Instead
Breathe deep
Fill your lungs with air
And make your way back up
Take up space
As much as you can
Expand
And eventually you will reach the top

You are not drowning
You are merely swimming in rough waters
And it is possible
To make it out alive

So instead of waiting
For saviour
For your mermaid
Or sailor
To come rescue you
Rescue yourself
It is the only way
To truly stop the sinkage

In an ocean that is too big
It is easy to feel small
Do not let yourself drown
You were meant to swim.