love   apple   like   time   know   feel   heart   bed   little   life   home   red   boy   georgie   sleep   away   left   dear   ruth   gone   just   right   long   mind   hope   hair   mi   parts   say   fear   met   laugh   makes   sailing   make   tell   hands   day   poem   different   small   words   private   wish   legs   child   man   free   te   welcome   easy   apples   meteorite   smile   flower   want   way   arms   look   eyes   better   war   lie   good   thing   truly   teeth   passion   thought   work   seen   letters   friend   talk   brought   future   fingers   knew   imagination   sure   told   space   cold  la   mask   black   big   bite   age   size   shadow   petals   inane   stretchmarks   medic   we've   wouldn't   hear   tap   really   best   goes   face   gray   maybe   things   dream   tongue   forever   hate   set   room   death   need   truth   comes   night   lost   calves   pain   end   years   brings   touch   feet   blades   memories   new   core   times   dead   favorite   finally   minute   brain   hearts   getting   belly   far   rain   blue   knees   filled   stupid   woke   cream   fit   young   brown   se   fat   tan   cough   spoke   says   unlike   footprints   ******   rough   forward   buckle   blues   task   shoulder   grace   *******   reason   nostrils   firm   juice   palms   someday   mis   thumbs   screams   arguments   wobble   *****   elbows   *******   wrists   headaches   amo   pesky   ligaments   one-liners   thoughts   later   ash   clouds   lips   dreams   breath   mouth   hold   sense   taking   world   bit   speak   dance   gave   shall   ready   skin   air   single   breathe   button   peace   choices   hill   wrong   weak   close   use   quite   sky   phrase   darkness   justice   sound   unable   brave   holding   deep   grabbed   ****   try   building   paper   lunch   think   kind   stay   days   smooth   perfect   learned   care   fair   hard   grant   sweet   high   fruit   short   terms   kept   relationship   underneath   presence   water   looking   fool   sorrow   tree   second   delicate   nearly   happy   line   tall   tried   sad   satisfied   point   feels   falling   purpose   game   lazy   que   amor   agree   known   naught   loss   broke   failed   games   limp   grin   final   spring   act   south   flare   race   sake   car   large   wishes   neck   blink   knife   seeing   idea   steve   company   greens   spread   ship   lo   sally   sum   drowned   december   weep   sting   smiles   lessons   promises   successful   whistled   drowns   perfectly   pleasing   failure   brothers   cliche   harder   thirteen   ale   signs   limit   serenity   mundane   origin   chat   sapphires   handshakes   skinny   contagious   succeeding   super   refer   maturity   destination   civil   uncomfortable   collects   clack   liz   beatles   vez   attract   accomplishment   backside   throes   flaccid   audi   oneself   beastie   applesauce   naivete   bungalow   outie   there's   couldn't   isn't   they're   let's   'n   primos   primas   cantuta   fronton   redd's   mott's   innie   phallicly   tiny   fight   yo   para   walk   ****   hello   light   flash   silent   stone   does   forth   conversation   polite   green   minutes   ****   clear   flesh   couple   wake   anger   throw   torn   tangle   play   shattered   soldier   land   victim   carry   battlefield   came   darkest   blood   battle   warm   shine   reminds   lose   eye   dismay   hide   impossible   fast   earth   grab   stand   die   worse   year   people   white   story   hit   god   anxiety   realize   fall   asleep   dark   course   apart   morning   remain   beauty   ****   slowly   start   happen   remember   pray   past   easily   straight   mean   hand   driving   instant   thunder   messages   friends   old   coming   pen   seeds   shape   wasted   word   living   tore   shadows   knowing   bad   class   joy   trust   leaves   path   sun   ways   leave   meet   broken   head   weight   means   mountain   boys   true   stars   learn   sliced   naive   decided   player   actually   reality   ease   music   hood   desperate   promise   wishing   begin   miss   caressing   moan   thighs   heard   pretty   emotion   figure   floor   exotic   sand   hits   angel   awake   dreaming   probably   wins   seek   stretch   loved   tears   heartbreak   punk   walking   piece   furniture   unreachable   roots   near   deserve   simple   cats   tail   precious   lovers   loves   mother   tongues   clueless   share   taken   yesterday   faith   freedom   ripe   cursed   running   yes   unknown   feeling   going   stairs   opposite   wonder   afloat   packed   bones   acting   playing   wind   passions   dismissed   hourglass   reached   stares   mouths   singing   shaped   trapped   toll   dies   rock   trunk   discovered   especially   dull   choice   awful   patient   great   indoors   attached   thread   shoulders   warms   bright   bring   ending   drowning   sadness   winter   baby   looked   cute   beating   tight   kids   crying   ran   intoxicating   growing   saying   opposites   melancholy   gives   follow   clearly   dove   tu   soon   entwined   juicy   drown   laid   took   moved   bear   anyways   shirt   negative   clean   guide   sore   location   faux   nodded   glance   caught   chances   week   started   today   obvious   sweat   ***   quiet   laughed   worry   round   ladies   mama   smack   goodbye   rising   sides   wished   beds   infinite   positive   scared   admittedly   mistakes   meal   common   rises   toes   bullets   bound   suited   birth   clothes   belt   pounds   ground   barren   sitting   table   woe   swimming   stick   deepest   motion   cleared   sing   angry   action   sons   smiled   bedroom   wall   wiped   grins   mad   july   store   road   snow   pulse   important   adventure   exactly   foundation   trap   colors   floors   neon   outside   language   summer   north   fifty   served   wavy   kick   raw   thirty   row   changed   hanging   lied   drenched   companion   begins   strength   flies   direction   okay   stories   inky   stubborn   cloud   track   described   lover   replaced   pit   packs   circling   honest   wage   dinner   slave   paradox   faking   screamed   lightning   exterior   stopping   complete   deal   rifle   dependent   gifts   dancer   vision   students   horror   punch   anymore   pack   sagging   folk   honestly   tearing   prepared   creatures   listening   rhythm   unique   roar   card   glass   stage   desert   offered   fought   suffer   awoke   master   eating   furnace   glad   choir   graceful   *****   treasure   ships   bark   musical   strand   bee   finished   pink   slink   stronger   disclose   gravity   schedule   march   medicine   hates   weird   brush   laughs   helped   june   pitched   dumped   tense   sin   withdrawn   stem   proved   whispered   anew   amazing   louder   english   knocked   chilly   boots   false   mistake   toffee   whistle   smirk   gas   poised   buttons   bet   necks   elate  vi   bleak   decades   intention   plane   swollen   unseemly   en   sir   creeping   tells   success   doth   ***   balance   ant   fourth   fits   matters   pan   shook   tingle   dusty   reaching   thanked   careers   pile   tempt   ix   xi   xii   xiii   moms   hushed   spears   twinkling   works   fairytale   double   fighter   shocked   barriers   boot   thanks   solitary   lesson   owned   systems   groan   weekend   tomatoes   cider   calculating   drawer   partially   handy   stumpy   album   appealing   pet   unfortunately   jokingly   hotel   teacher   tag   eighteen   leg   dash   peep   betwixt   swear   attempt   inescapable   venues   worker   suit   coughed   remembers   rhyme   listed   chatter   stuff   assist   blocks   sheen   stanzas   jobs   cleaned   handshake   natural   moi   fantasy   cheers   smaller   curl   nay   leaning   frequent   eggs   cuando   el   desayuno   tus   beige   imperfections   difficult   darlings   overcome   oranges   keys   newfound   fairly   occasions   stats   ponder   pools   ablaze   rushes   fret   quell   breads   progress   comfortable   settling   desks   tile   trails   rainy   homemade   stunned   cemetery   plus   ideas   avocados   bananas   apply   latch   rocky   digress   experiences   vacation   sanctuary   earlier   rocket   precise   various   author   pie   explosions   *******   lighter   matched   plunged   isaac   jefferson   abe   measured   saturday   claw   welcoming   gear   trained   suffocation   leapt   gap   lee   disturbed   es   thrill   alarming   grill   frankly   importantly   una   fray   candied   amalgamation   nasty   american   optimism   guns   craters   contracted   rampant   unattainable   spilled   courts   carrots   shuffled   combined   blonde   forgave   artillery   sandwich   comfier   limitation   personalities   friday   strongly   crude   banana   tennis   limits   quaking   recesses   loot   andromeda   shells   playful   luckily   area   upwards   flail   largest   sappy   freckles   biology   fruition   cases   overtook   pinks   instruments   brownies   birthmark   reinforce   laptop   pirates   blinks   frontier   forwards   resonate   capacity   mumbled   marched   scraping   prompts   multiply   haiku   football   como   function   unfeeling   eighty   backsides   prompt   raced   blare   likewise   pro   chrome   gran   pears   puede   corazon   elated   indecisive   basketball   burgundy   synonyms   braced   effeminate   mutually   duties   companies   honeymoon   flailing   patted   mayo   headon   pero   misma   marveled   aforementioned   abhors   forefront   hesitating   identical   creepy   possessive   screeched   gotcha   infidelity   friction   barrage   nonetheless   disparate   itchy   apex   gettysburg   lunchtime   pickup   muchas   then   and   trading   distinguishable   pitches   bunk   ven   ladylike   encompasses   diagrams   underlying   spaghetti   soccer   trashcan   papa   disarming   finalmente   clashed   rosie   smirks   snapshot   pug   songbird   spitfire   yanks   thankfully   mesa   flexing   virginia   effectively   variations   eclipses   tambien   outrun   incident   vitamin   willpower   underdog   hardboiled   miniscule   checkerboard   entrust   siento   heavyweight   davis   thyroid   foreshadowing   frances   heresy   starburst   deficiency   sawing   peruvian   leche   antithesis   villanelle   alliteration   hora   vivir   clacking   droopy   whizzed   britney   futbol   parameters   disney   mangos   disproportionate   orbiting   tanka   stubby   intro   listo   goldilocks   teamwork   pbj   exemplifies   rey   retainer   tenia   triples   espanol   estuvo   castillo   ferrying   suficiente   racecar   dorky   garganta   veo   julio   peripherals   labios   rojos   foreseeable   frito   groggily   venn   macbook   inanely   hubo   goofball   you've   she's   weren't   wasn't   we're   others'   you'll   should've   haven't   what's   you'd   they'd   man's   boys'   god's   woman's   fruit's   orion's   newton's   lincoln's   adam's   momma's   ******   jackson's   audis   dulces   disproportionately   charon's   deseos   avocadoes   hailey   eran   beatles'   ingles   he   she   it   rackets   --   hashtag   sixty-three   duct-tape   joysticks   sherman's   15   6th   32   500   7th   2013   extraño   barenaked   tamales   6-year-old   tierras   derpy   ewell   rom-com   themit's   adan   mudpits   puddlepits   war--hell   culp's   shitpits   completaron   chocolatada   levantanse   duraznos   n'sync   huevo   cholitos   levantaron   manzanas   endurece   wozniak's   dispara   nuez   open-endedness   innies   cankles   dunder-mifflin   tunks   buck-toothed   outies   grief-blown   a-gawking

Andrew ate my tamales inside of 11 minutes,
and soon there will be more kerpustiuous ones ready to taste.
Watching ****** through three different windows; all broken at the moment.
Anyone have a sheet of blood to give to my mad mothers rage?
Let us copulate together for the glory of this fleeting age;
yet inside eleven minutes
the leaning waxy vomper mice shall dance upon my wig and deliver unto me an aching head.
So let me not,
no do not,
let me live
through this night so dark and shmear-ed upon this graven face.
Nay, let me live toward this learn-ed light with a hand to hold,
and away to learn your shining grace.

Tus patas tamalonas, your fat feet
Fat feet
That makes the ground tremble as I take a step
My feet are flat
To be closer to the earth
God wanted me to remain grounded
To grow roots before I yearned for the sky
My grandma's feet:
Callous, hard, dry
Her feet were old books filled with handwritten poems
Romantic love journals
Her callous feet had to get like that
So that thorns and nails could no longer hurt
My grandmothers' travesia was grand
Her feet were so eager to move on
That they walked on their own
Patas! Patas tamalonas!
Grandmother would tickle my feet
And I'd laugh
Grandma, why do we get feet?
Because God wants us to walk mijo
Even when your feet are flat
Fat, uneven, or they hurt you must always walk
Stand up when they try to force you to sit down
Because those feet are yours
Today I walk, following your footprints
My fat feet being embraced by the hot sand
As I follow the sound of the waves
There you are
Waiting for me at the edge...

At age 27 I ask myself what the hell I am so afraid of
I was born in Central America and my family
Tree reveals that I am from Belize City
This means that I’m Belizean
I’m mixed with white & black  
But I’m not African American since I don’t have any history
Or evidence of my family living in America generations after generations
I’m not even sure if my ancestors were owned by slaves or not
But I won’t assume that we weren’t


Today I ask myself why I love this country so much
That I desperately strive to become American legally
And I want to feel like an American
I know more about African & U.S. History than Central America
I feel like a disgrace to my culture
Yet I haven’t tried to google, ask my family questions
Or even pick up a book to find out more about my ancestors

Whether they’re foreigners or Americans
They tell me that I speak perfect English
And I look like I’m African American
And they can’t even hear my accent
But I think to myself,
Well it’s still there my accent just isn’t as strong and it’s not difficult for me to pronounce English after living here for 15 years
And as for my skin complexion, hey I acknowledge that fact that I’m half black
I didn’t get this skin color from sitting in the New Mexico sun for too long

From what I’ve learned the languages that exist in Belize are:
1. Creole,
2. Garifuna,
3. Spanish,
4. Maya Mopan,
5. Maya Yucateco,
6. Maya Ketchi,
7. Hindi,
8. And German.

We eat:
1. Tamales,
2. Rice &beans;,
3. Craw-fish,
4. Pig-tail, meat-pie,
5. Mango, craboo which is fruit with milk and sugar,
6. Fried plantains.
7. Rompopo is Belizean eggnog mixed with brandy or ***

My favorite food was garnaches which:
Is corn tortilla, refried beans, and shredded cheese  
Fried cake which is bread dough that is shaped
Like a moon that was cut in half and then fried in a skillet

Belize has a variety of ethnicity
Chinese, white, black, Mexican, Native American, etc
So you might look at one of us and assume
They’re Mexican because their skin color is brown
Or think they’re Jamaican, African, and African American because
Of their dark skin or their foreign accent
But that person might be Belizean

We celebrate Independence Day on September 21
They listen to reggae music called *****
My family’s dialect is creole
Da we de gon on
Means hows it going

One day I hope that I’m confident enough to embrace everything:
The culture/country that I was born in,
The American life style that I live now and
Accepting the fact that I’m still black
Even though I’m also Belizean
I don’t want to continue to be bound to my shame of my ethnicity
Or this society that manipulates you
Into believing that surviving and
Making money should be your main focus

A drive-by piercing with a lemon going haywire
Some day-old sushi seen floating in a milk shake
Biplanes soaring on a river made of goldfish
Hamsters running like a maggot being stepped on
T-Birds flying on a highway made of spike strips
A sleeper hold keeping pleasure from the culprit
High-speed boats with Bond at the Olympics
A Cheshire cat that is famous for his slow wit
A hands-free call using carrots as a pitchfork
Motel 6 giving buckets full of sunshine
A loser shakes when he’s calling for a train wreck
Two horned-toad dogs seek pleasure from a princess
Pineapples dance on a table made of tall grass
Swimming pools run like the nostrils of a cokehead
Lawnmowers chase televisions made of chocolate
A headrest pops like a package full of mayonnaise
Full moon falling like a stock that’s made of pennies
Some ring-toss games using members as a target
Horse-drawn buggies have turtles for a driver
Captain Crunch cracks three teeth with his product
Unicorn strippers charge nothing for a snow cone
A fig tree shoots his rifle like a marksman
Time-lapse photos lend credence to a journey
A night jog leading to the starting of a win streak
Cotton ***** fighting like the heart of a palm tree
Rabbit holes filled with a rocket made of red glare
Alien red giants just as sure as I am breathing
A high-speed rail system travels without leaving
Lamborghinis resting on a bed of melting ice cream
Then there’s a cuckoo clock riding on a white mink
I saw a cowboy yesterday atop a pile of hay
Leaches lurking everywhere really like to play
Red newspaper taxis burn at the pole in June
Hearts of gold at harvest time, hear my drum in tune
Playing in the band was my only decent goal
Rake, a shovel, and a pick dig working with a ***        
Prince without a pauper will rise from down below
Hot tamales drop like hail the radar never showed
Squids sign a new record deal using their own ink
Octomom wants it all; such ***** I’ve never seen

In contrast with the cold morning air,
The house was cozy and warm
As we all arrived to participate
Like worker bees starting to swarm.
The smell of pork and refried beans
Permeated the room.
The champagne bottles were chilling on ice--
How much did we consume?
Sally brought some egg McMuffins.
I thought, "Something's amiss:
Egg McMuffins and NO pan dulce!°°
What kind of party is this?"

But I wouldn't miss it--nope--for nada:
The annual Alonzo family tamalada.

The giant bucket of masa°°° awaited
Marisa's kneading hands.
While she kneaded the dough, the rest of us
Listened for Sally's commands.
After a brief champagne toast,
Our assembly line started.
Everyone had a job to do;
It wasn't for the faint-hearted.
Spreading the masa on the husks
Was a messy task.
I wondered, "How many will we make?"
But I was afraid to ask.

It wasn't very long before
Everyone in the casa
Was practically covered from head to foot
With fluffy tamale masa.
We spread and stuffed and folded and wrapped
While Sally entertained us.
The conversation, laughter, fun,
And champagne all sustained us.
The wonderful smells of lunch also
Encouraged us to work hard
Lest we be known as shirkers and our
Reputations be marred.

But I wouldn't miss it--nope--for nada:
The annual Alonzo family tamalada

After a few hundred tamales,
The masa was getting low.
I said, "Yay! We're almost done!"
But Alice said, "Oh, no.
That was just the pork; now we're
Making chile and cheese."
Blurry-eyed I held up my spoon
And said, "More hojas,°°°° please."
On and on we continued to work
Like hive bees making honey.
But it was worth it, for these tamales
Are more valuable than money.

Alice, Yvonne, Kathy, Yolie,
Aida, and Sally know why--
As do Marisa, Rebecca, Karen,
Marisol, Nancy, and I--
We always look forward to getting together
For laughter, fun, and cheer
And this spirited, heart-warming gathering
Whenever December is here.
Homemade tamales can't be beat
When made in our special fashion
With love, care, conviviality,
Warmth, goodwill and passion.

I wouldn't miss it--nope--for nada:
The annual Alonzo family tamalada.

__
°tamale-making party
°°Mexican sweet bread
°°°dough
°°°°(corn husk) leaves

- by Bob B

Diabetes, babe
Why can’t you be kind to me?
I appreciate your sweetness and all.
Setting my life on “reset”
And making me feel like ****

Diabetes, my love
Can you please be nice to me?
Give me a few more years to live
Stop making my mouth dry
Stop making ‘ama cry

Diabetes, chiquito
Tratame bien corazon,
No me metas tentacion
Por que de ver los tamales,
El pozole, el salpicon
Se me olvida que el suicidio
Se esconde en un chicharron

Diabetes, mi rey
Anda pues no te hagas wey
Que la dieta sea mi amiga
Librame de la fatiga
Y de la azucar maligna

Diabetes,
Let me live
I want to eat cheesecake again
Life without sugar is lame
And equal is not so great

Diabetes, babe
Let me be…

Nana thinks the magazine is the devil.

“THE PEOPLE WHO DREW THE BLESSED ****** MOTHER OF OUR LORD AND SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST IN A BIKINI ARE GOING TO HELL.”

Whatever you say, Nana.

When we left my Nana made us tacos and tamales. She gathered all the food in the house to send us off and took all the cash she had and stuffed it in my pocket. She purged the cupboard of all the bananas, plums, nectarines, and apricots and placed them in a bag with two bottled waters a coke, a diet coke and sprite.

She told me that she loved me and that she hated to see me go. That, “I had just gotten there” and that she would “miss me so much.”

Before we left she sent me with a card that was “very important”. It was a picture and a coin embossed with my guardian angel that she bought at the church gift shop.

My nana loves me more than anything else in the world.

My nana still calls you my friend.

bubble gum, bubble gum
throw it back ya bishhh
she a genie in a bottle
but far from what I wish
go ahead (go ahead)
and give em a kiss
there's no fairytale ending here
no magical prince
just a bunch of my homies (homies)
faded in the back
throwin up the signs (signs)
screaming (dougie simps on the track)
hotter than tamales
but cooler than the snow
stackin all the paper
putting on a show
t-t-twerk it
move it up and down
drop it to the beat (beat)
love bites on her neck
the back of the club where we creep
MC Hammer style
boy, you can't touch this
don't forget the team
G.C.K and the boy Dougie Simps

In this life, I have seen the valley of broken dreams filled with the souls of taqueria entrepreneurs. I have seen gleaming grills, Hispanic frills, greasy thrills. I have seen spirit thrive in the eyes of men armed with bank loans and family recipes. I have eaten their food, delicious beyond necessity. I have experienced the magic of taquerias and restaurants.

And I have seen that magic die.

I've observed the life unfold, unfurl with a magic to behold. I have seen that magic served in a half-empty restaurant that Frontera has outsold. I have had the magic gone, replaced by payday lenders and takeout from Taiwan. I have seen empty storefronts and the straggling last days of taqueria entrepreneurs. And I grieve every time at the lost loans and lost hopes left behind. But tonight, there will be no grieving. Instead,

Let us eat magic in their memory, enjoy the grease that will surely send us to infirmaries. Let us celebrate the time they had, the tortas, tamales, and leftovers taken home in a bag. Let us celebrate the doomed Mexican restaurants.

"granday"

its not a *******
twang,
like a rubber band loosened up,
you're like a white sheet
with absolutely no
wrinkles no
lint no
culture.

its not a droop of letters,
like the syllables are carrying old bathwater
on hunched spines;

you sound like dusty paper
left on the shelf too long.

its
"grande"
poner un verano en tus palabras.
put some summer into your words.

fill your mouth with mid-august sweat
and belt it out like a pistol,
bullets ripping the fabric of blue
sky.
you are a flame in snow,
your tongue is supposed to be dancing on the top of your mouth
when you say it,

"grande"
roll your 'r's like you would to tamales in
corn flour,
like you would your body in mud
carpeting every inch of your soul in dark, crusted
veneer,
stuck between your toes.

your tongue is supposed to be ***.
exotic chocolate,
french rain.

your tongue is supposed to be like a wild motorboat upon
the raging ocean,
hitting the 'r's with savage animosity
                                                    "g­-rrrrrrrr-ande"
none of these
"grandays"
words like plummeting wrinkles
under tired eyes, your lips like dead fish floating
shallow and flaccid
in lukewarm
soup.
like rotting fruit left out too long,  
squashed, useless, a waste.

do not fill your mouth with
mierda,
****
poner un verano en tus palabras.
put some summer into your words.

It was a chilly June day
when mamá woke me up.
I didn’t remember much
except getting helped into my clothes.

When next I awoke, we were in the car,
driving past dusty mountain trails.
The sand on the side of the road would
        kick up in the air beside us in clouds.

“¡Es hora de levantanse!” screeched my mother
        as I groggily woke up once more.
        The beige and brown of the desert was
        now replaced with greens and blues.
        I knew exactly where we were.

As we shuffled into the bungalow,
I tried to take in all that my young eyes could.
The red tile floors went well with
the cream and burgundy of the bungalow exterior,
and the bunk beds in every room but the master bedroom
made this home away from home all the comfier.

After settling in, mis primos y primas
raced me to the fronton courts —
they were mostly empty — as our rackets
kept clack clack clacking against our legs.
I looked up and marveled at the size of the playing wall
just as Julio served the first round.

For dinner, papá made us all triples —
a Peruvian sandwich made with tomatoes
hardboiled eggs, sliced avocadoes, and mayo
all between two or three breads — and we laughed
the night away while listening to some Beastie Boys.

Mis primos y primas
me levantaron a la misma vez
que el desayuno estuvo listo en la mesa.
Avocados, tamales, mangos, y duraznos
eran suficiente para mi, pero mi pan
                                        francés con huevo frito y leche
                                        chocolatada completaron mis deseos.

        Afterwards, my brothers decided to
start up a game of hearts next to the
                                                outside grill as the Beastie Boys’
Hello Nasty album would blare for the
                                                cholitos to hear. Sometimes they’d
                                                jokingly put on some Britney Spears
                                                or N'Sync, but Barenaked Ladies was
                                                another favorite; as well as the Beatles,
                                                of course.

Hubo una vez un gran rey
que tenia muchas tierras,
un castillo, y tambien un amor.

Later on, I’d go play some pickup
                                        games of futbol and basketball. Maybe
                                        tennis and fronton, too. Then again, I
                                        did frequent the various swimming
                                        pools offered. Too many choices for a
                                        little ****** with more than enough
                                        time on his hands.

Finally, when it was time for bed
I’d think about my amazing weekend.
How time flies when you’re a child,
but at the same time, lazy vacation
days could stretch on forever.
And they always did at home here
in *La Cantuta.

Spices/nices... sweets and creams. Smells like home
Bodega my senses. Herbs/Lotions. from across time and the ocean.
                                        Remedies for achy knees.
                                        Cough syrup/liniments.
Mangoes and tangerines.
Mamae/papaya.
Waha leaf.                       Tree bark/arrowroot.
                                        Nescafe/Milo.

Pastries.Puddings.
cakes and tamales.
Ginger beer/seaweed sweet drink

Love potions in the back room.
spells and fixes too.
Yeah the old is new.

The Bodega is a slice of home,
mysterious and familiar.
good for what  ails ya.

Placebo ? oh no
cho man.

Beauty Queen
Miss Q
Thinking of you
;-)
:-)
...
?

Post-apocalyptic characters flash white
against a twilight screen
Tiny, shiny meanings begging for responses
But I won't feed
these visions of nothingness

Since when did I become
bound to this ubiquitous pretense,
since when did I become
cast into these tiny webs roping me inextricably closer
to the "you" I just met yesterday and
since when did we become
like spineless eels
caught dumbfounded
in these fishing lines
of textonomy?

This ain't swag
and if it is,
then your swag
makes me want to regurgitate
la salsa verde y los tamales de pollo
all over your smooth and crisp
white shoes

Can't someone untie me from these social knots?
I want to go back to ink-blots,
conscriptions, Polaroid photographs,
X's and
abandoned
I's

I am from Loony Tunes
And a red, two-seat jogging stroller,
Laughing with my sister
Sitting next to me.
I am from waking up to pigeons cooing,
Glow-in-the-dark plastic stars on distant ceilings.
When everything was new,
And bright, and fascinating.

I am from amusement parks;
Six Flags Picnics in parking lots
Because the food there was too expensive,
We brought our own and sat in the grass
With the ducks.

I am from homemade tortillas,
Fighting cousins and uncles like brothers for
The first one off the stove.
And I am from Christmas tamales
and way too much Thanksgiving turkey.

I am from music,
And the difference between hearing and listening,
And between reading and playing and feeling and living.
And not having a favorite song
Because they are all important
And they all mean something different.

I am from falling in love too quickly
With the girl across the aisle
Across the room
Across the street.
From holding my breath but not my tongue
And letting my mind wander a little too far.
"I don't like you like that"
"Oh that's okay I didn't think so anyway"
Is it wrong to feel too much?

I am from people mispronouncing my name,
Saying "here" before teachers can even attempt.
But I am from knowing I would never change it if I could,
Because if everyone could pick where they come from,
We'd all end up in the same place.

Cuando era niña, mi mamá told me to speak in spanish cuando I couldn't say mis "r"s en inglés.  Garlic made my mouth stink from the broth I drank when sick, so I ate spicy things to soothe my throat.  Muchas veces comímos tamales por la Navidad.  Cuando era niña, creí que era mexicana, pero soy blanca.  Y tengo miedo de hablar español en frente de los nativos y no sé como mostrarlos mi habilidad real.  En el fín, soy una wera, y más que eso, soy francés, y más que eso, soy alemán, and more than that, I'm finnish.

I tried to take pride in my heritage and learn this obscure language.  I tried to find similarities in appearance and personality.  I boasted of this culture that I so wanted to love and be a part of.  I thought I'd found my viking roots but no one around me cared.  I learned "tourist finnish" and forgot it because I couldn't practice.  I read the Kalevala and laughed at old newspaper articles about the joke of "St. Uhro's Day."  I pointed out weird translations in songs due to too many syllables, but in the end, I was too many generations away from being truly finnish.

Why are there so many poems about love?  Maybe it's because when we're in love we stop searching for somewhere to belong because we've found someone to belong to.  I've found my person but not my people.  I've been to seven schools and cried each time I left because I lost those I had tried to make into my extended family.  I try to fit in with so many groups because I feel like I never fit in with just one and in the end I'm on the outskirts.  We have so few people come to holidays and none of them really ever talk with me.  I have a mother but she's an island in a sea of lost chances and forgotten ties.  We seek love to have a claim to something but I've had to learn that I can lose that, too.  I strive for heritage to make up for family dysfunction.  In the end I am white, or rather, white-washed.  I was born without ethnic belonging and have not belonged ever since.

Tu y yo en la noche fria

Entrelazados bajo cobijas

Como tamales de dulce

En una olla gigante de barro



I want to keep you forever

Become the water to your river

The vision to your spirit

The light to your progress

I want to stay in this beautiful uncertain moment

Court you, engage you, and inspire you

I want your heart to beat faster as I get closer

I want to become that one emotion that overwhelms every other

Your resting place, your peaceful love, your regenerating space

Your warm Mexican blanket

The only walls I want are the ones separating the rooms in my house. You know, the ones that divide my rooms and let me know if I'm cooking here,  Netflix and chilling there or simply just sleeping undisturbed .

The only walls I'm interested in are the ones separating the rooms in my house. You know the ones that divide my rooms and let me know this is the space where my daughter plays, this is the space where my husband prays five times a day, this is the space where I wash the grit of the day from my ***** clothes.

The only walls I'm interested in are the ones separating the rooms in my house.  You know the ones that divide my rooms and let me know this is the space where I entertain my friends, the space where I try to Zumba and loose the college 10 that turned into the adult  30, the space where all the corners join and then disappear behind my Christmas tree, where those four corners blend to support the tired leanings of my immigrant family after stuffing their bellies full of my freshly made tamales and leftover pernil

So unless you're taking the tired, the poor, the hungry and building them a respite inside of walls that separate homes, inside of walls that gives shelter, that tell we belong and are safely home
then I have no interest in anymore walls
unless
the wall you build divides you from us the way bathroom walls should keep **** contained to keep your stench from poisoning U.S. and the rest of the house.

Now that is the only wall I can agree on.

I was circling seeing the symbol at
the square like great ***** of fire
Making his move the checkmate
The overcrowded City all sharked Inn
Persian cats  the parade of top hats
The women with her furry-coat
She has some woofing bark
The time to be happy but sulking

Dark, what? (Dr. Seuss Square Hats)
what happens when no one listens

Eyes far away masquerade to glisten
Holy water so purified  this earthly planet
A give or take got terrified all flatten
linked face and body invasion of the body
snatchers those crazy cats like a
A boy to the crunch snicker
were squeaking someone saw
something squealing card dealing

What the (Bobcats) cat napping
Stray cats ***** pack City rats
Were stinking up the alleyway
The whole nightclub was a square
the Disco ball have it your way
What time is it anyway 
 his hangover jerky

  Eggs Benedict Times Square the
formula of love project what did I do
for the next subject

What I did_ go daddy so diddy I was his lady
And he was so___square toast Arnold
So  dorm dorky was a big ball Porky
Pig glob New York Times all I read was What I did
The girl has to have ***** but the Victorian doll face
Christmas red glitter ***** came to be a disgrace

He's such firecracker handball the soccer ball he wasn't
showing up and what I did I met the Canadian Cups
I met someone else named  Rob what a dip drip dribble

He was fixated on the TV square rabbit ear antennas
Feeling like a round bubble brain chit chat yentas
In his RV square cell phone apps laying their sedated
Twins overlapped taking naps

Archer Ball hotel Archie what a "Bunkbed"
  outside in the lobby 'Talking heads' group,
they could see you talking in your sleep
that sleepytime tea Vampy crime
with his beat-up square chair
the doorknob speckled all dotted polka dot 
 Magnifying glass ball someone will fall

Itzy ritzy French bikini he fantasized
Into her curves, he needed
better ***** going firm up
The New Year was germ cup
To many Apple computers like
Jumping Jack more apple phones
it's the New Year you hear
So many serial murderers here's
(Jumping Jack)
he got trashed
Such a comic Jughead so bushed
He was outdated so Square he didn't
have one square in his head I was in the mood
making  round's
With celebration drinks ball twister looking
inside my crystal ball

New light counting 1-2-3-4 waiting without a
care 5-6-7-8 my head is pounding for the
New Year, everything is a number
People are like lemons
square cakes
All we do is have a fight to
the nearest rounding
A perfect round stone
Diamond why exchange silly name
Diamond Exchange
You know what I did for
Times Square right?
Don't go back tumbling in the past
Tumblr no one has time to check
your pictures all science and physics

Why does everyone want your birth number
Getting dimmer adding right dress
The ball did go up or what I did put a lid on it
  Holy hot tamales stick to the
new year priorities
Did I have a kiss or another year to miss?

The ball going down I need him to get up
Basket-Ball Hoop Snoop Dog
The concert felt like Ms. Betty Boop
New York necklace of fruit loops
  Please allow me to introduce
myself symphony
of the devil
I am a man I will do anything for my lover
When our time is right I will just leave her
Foreign Cat tongue milking let's be personal
Times Square New York New York
The Billboards and mural "Marilyn Monroe"
names of Doe look at her new legs
Her white dress flew away
with her money
gold bonds
She's the love talker he's savvy
(New Yorker)
New day, every hour, every time
Times Square
Jailbird meeting the blue square tie bird boss
He was the show wicked crime light cross
Is it really such a waste of time?
College teens of frats scholars

No one cared to have principles
What will I do for twin double
Eyes coupled
What I saw multiple personalities
what will be the resolution?

Singing in the New Year
he takes a New Year ***** Diva
her one of a kind glass
Someone threw it in the grass
Hum, Hum, Hum singing
He's downtown going forty-second street
Are you kidding me this is
Times Square
Do you have square curved
into your bone body
Go home and get some sleep
on your *****
This squares it up no extra rounds
That's what I did 4 Times Square
No love circles just being
you Square
Married diamonds square
shape worth it.
Kiss the whole earth lit

I am from blank line paper,
From Coca-Cola, and ADHD.

I am from the taste of cold wet soil after it rains,
The puddles that show me a blurry reflection of what I could be.

I am from the parties around Christmas time,
and laughing my guts out,
from my sisters, my brothers, and my gifts.

I am from the arguments, and ****** language.
From being told as a child that I'm only good for 3 things, and 3 things only
1).Nothing,
2.)nothing,
and 3.) n o t h i n g,
and stupid, worthless, and dumb.
I am from constant worry about where my mom could be, while learning how to be one myself(For her). Church today? No, I can't. Not today.

I'm from Mexico, Tamales, and Menudo.

I'm from the cold, dark Rio Grande full of snakes,
the water taking me under just as I try gasping the crisp cold air, and the reoccurring feeling of death nearby.

I'm from the fire my Piglet Blanket disappeared in, and from the permanent stains of the water damage my childhood has been left with.

The dark shadow to lift a car spirit
How he sparked his plugs came like
fireworks the car business became
a showroom *** drive salesman
Whatever turns your red hot light to
green monster engine
muffler twilight night
Her beauty mark hit
your parking spot
Your headlight was my eyes
bedroom delight
What's between
two lovers and a car
Car body built you
touched my red velvet
Buns of the seat
Don't ******* down
with your storm tires
Those exhilarating drives
  raise my fire
Anything he drives
gets you crazy
the hot nutritious lady
he hires

Drive one mad
*** drive patriot Brady
The heavy metal lady
That extra special heat what
picks me up not a coffee
  racing cup and please
no horse
with hot wheels  stirrups
her mind is
always stirred
up for something
so exhilarating I know
how to find
something
better than anyone
Taking a course in acting
out parts new and used
What a car guitar fender

No fix-up mechanic job or
mating or
car copying
hot rod racing
The Lexus car makeover so many
imitations but no VIP
Those hot tamales the new cars
We really don't want to settle for
the used cars no lemons
White Mercedes, those ladies
he drives  you insane even when
you're on the Jet hot plane what an
exhilarating
hot flame dating no insurance
How it races my expectation he road
so quick I missed my star more
interference

The heart expensive oil he boils up
when he fills  his gas synthetic oil
Overflowed by a gas leak

Every week something new
We love all the addiction it
drives you to another
dimension more car space to
her fascination
So delicious when you arrive
at your destination

Man’s best friend cars
electrifying

Greased full of aggression
no denying

Staying firm hot wheels
rebellious rim

Meeting one another chances
always the car trim

Cars possession passion
gives us the drive

We crave rivalry and rave

“Drive Me” or drive through

Exhilarating speed and **** sigh

Drive in roller staking pups and
doggy drives mating


Corvettes  enticing
Sextets all we do is text
Buy cars Hollywood pricing

What’s next? Hot Ferrari she is
so busy creaming and
car dreaming
with her piece of Canolli  

*** craving energetic so ****** car shapes

Mustang Sally so sultry
He’s the fury mustang
Shameless sinners drive away
spectators

Drive away see you later
“Salesmen”

Spiritual connection French car

Another car and writers event

Cool car actors drive to any extent

Tires and minds get tireless

Everything becomes wireless

Your body like a vehicle
driver's seat

*** drive destination
you give into his car
mind mileage
beat

What a ride you win…

there are some things
that are just written in ink.
the books that line my shelf
the music I play with my fingers
the startling waves I attempt to hurdle
my surfboard over
the recipe my abuelita passed down to
me of her famous tamales
my subscription to Bon Appetit
these constants anchoring me
when characters sketched by
pencil become too faint to feel,
its these delicate yet sturdy constants
that yank me out of sadness
with a "remember me?!"
with a "remember your abilities, young lady!"
"remember your divine calling to perpetually grow!"

Your beautiful on social media , but in REAL Life , the only beauty is  caucasians . Blonde hair , blue eyes, skinny and clueless .
     they'll lie to you.    Make you feel good about yourself but guaranteed you'll never be the cover of Gucci , better chances with Chanel .
     your not European or Armenian, You're Black .  You're Hispanic . AND YOU ARE NOT BEAUTIFUL . Comments , likes and shares , how dare we be so viewless.
     if you don't look like Ashley , Emma , Brittany or Stacey , what makes you think your beautiful? Who told you that lie ? Your not beautiful . Hoping you would dwell into what I'm saying , I shouldn't have to yell, I hope your heart  swell when I tell you this... they do not consider you a bombshell.
     your ugly , your hair isn't straight , your not skinny , you don't have the perfect height,  your family is broke , your stupid , your too dark , you have a accent , and most important your not from here. Take your *** back to Mexico , back to Africa, cause that's where all Black people are from , Africa . Bye bye . And your not Salvadoran and you're not Samoan   And  you're not Guatemalan, and your not Dominican , your Mexican. Go to Mexico where you belong.
       my eyes are blue , my hair flows perfectly in the wind, I work out 4 times a week and eat healthy , I can get a job "easy" I'm white , my name is Emily .im smarter than  you and I have more opportunities then a  minority will ever have . .facts
HEY ! Don't you dare think your gonna be something in life, the only job you'll have is selling flowers, fruit on the corner and selling tamales  , can you even read ? Do you speak English ? Oh let me hush I know you got like twenty primos ,I don't need that drama .. but I can say whatever I want to you , because  your an  immigrant  and you don't belong here.  Oops sorry to burst your bubble that's all wrong.
excuse me what's your name ? Jamaal? Deandre ? .. uhm no sir my name is Dylan?  SERIOUSLY?!  You don't look like a Dylan if I may ask , what do a Dylan look like ? Ehh blonde hair , blue eyes , about yay high , perfect smile , 4.0 gpa , mothers a lawyer , dads a doctor . ... So you got all of that off of a name ? Well MY NAME is Dylan Fredrickson , NO I'm not A ****, No I Haven't Been To Jail , No I'm Not A Player , No I Don't Have Kids With multiple women and if did I will take care of them. I'm about yay high , I have a perfect smile , my gpa is also a 4.0 , I'm graduating with honors. My mom is a business owner and my dad passed away when I was 3 but he was a hard working man , only thing I missing is the blonde hair and blue eyes.  Nice to know what my name attracts . Dear Black men and Black Women.  You are the target. They hate you. They want to see you fail. They blinded you , you are not only eye candy on social media , You ARE admirable, angelic, captivating, charming, delicate, divine, excellent, your wonderful. Your everything they said you will not be , a champion . Your the THREAT . You are now brain washed , you are not only beautiful on social media .
    Dear Hispanic Men and Hispanic Women. You DO BELONG HERE. You can be presiden , you can be a lawyer , you are a hard worker , your goals are just as achievable as the next...you are a radiant , well formed , symmetrical race.  WE want NOTHING BUT THE BEST FOR YOU.. but THEY WANT TO SEE YOU FAIL. They want to see you breaking down at your lowest point in life, and when you do , there's enough space and opportunity to get back up.

the competition is fierce

korea vs germany
just like the world cup
which korea won
i had sooo much chicken

korea brings classic
street food blood sausage
and spicy rice cakes
and fried dumplings just like in seoul

germany brings
kartoffelkloesse
bratwurst sausage
and spätzle

britian vs mexico
some quality smelling
smells that i smell
food times

britian cam with
fish and chips (ofc)
clam chowder
and the dinner-breakfast

mexico time
burritos and
tamales and
pozole galore

canada vs america
here we go
the canada and
south canada

canada arrives with
poutine (and lots of it)
wait,,, is that the only
thing you brought?

the rules were
to bring three dishes
my friend.
idiote

america arrives with
a burger w/ a side of fries
and thats it.
I SWEAR TO GOD-

nihon vs zhonggou
let's go
the asain super powers
anime vs cHiNA

kawaii uwu japan
brings three bentos
with OCTODOGS
YOOOOOOO

made in china
general tso
orange chicken
and mapo tofu

conclusion:
this is a who will win
whos gonna win
i need to go to the gym

Sweating bullets in TJ
a Hot August Eve
want the filet but can't even
pay a burrito on the street.

Pop into a club
to quench the thirst,
then lose all my cash....
the corner casino,
ouch that hurt.

My brother smells tacos
I say sure swell then
up four flights
to a ****** hotel.

Rooms by the hour,
I just want a shower,
it's ******* hot as hell.

What should take one
turns into 4 hours
playing the waiting game.

Handed her green,
she left the scene,
came back with,
a quarter of the order.
Pack up our **** lickety-split
it's time to cross the border.

Long and slow we wind
our way through,
no passport, no birth certificate and now at the booth.

He's on a watchlist
the feds know me
where you headed tonight?
the uniform speaks.
Secondary sir
I'm used to it see.

Scolded for lack of papers
told they'll detain us next time
we're tagged and processed then he points to a line

Run through the scanner
& told to get out by
a badge on a boy
just outta the scouts

He scans us briefly  
looks quickly inside....
then he says free to go,  
Have a safe ride

Little did they know
of the contraband inside....
25 tamales
in a bag untied.

The grey car stopped fast
****** tracks on a wet street
One more life said “wow”

Saturday near noon
She delivered my bad drug
Tamales con hot

My neighbor is gay
Today I shook his right hand
Yikes, why am I scared?

My nerves are numb nil
I saw a heart in a jar
No beat, no beat, no

I was not there then
My Dad died all by himself
He was giant as man

Somewhere, sometime, I
Find myself lost in blue sky
Give, receive or try?

Our love is mad now
She knows I’m right one more time
How now, brown cow, how

Okay, 1 plus 1
Let’s say the count is for man
Time has it’s own plan

One year ago now
I met an angel on earth
She pulsed life not dearth

Baruch hashem is
God be blessed, a way to start
From mind to man, heart

It’s just a small rock
Picked up on some mindless step
For you, leave my shoe

There’s weight to what is
Not just what was and could be
Will there be more me?

My left eye covers left
My right foot backs up the flank
My mind is still blank

It should not hurt to
Be a child in this world
Happy is a right

What I do, you do
Where do you do what you do?
You do, I do too.

Seltzer at room temp
Anchovies on toast with cheese
Thin sliced tomato

Rub my leg with care
Squeeze my hand and squeeze again
Your soothing, smooth move

Oh yeah, I did it
And would do it again, now
Love, to you I bow

Look over to your right
Find your bliss, here comes the night
Set your mind, now fight

Pick up the pennies
They deserve a pocket too
Hey, no dollars, no cents (sense)

The law by a man
The system is someone’s plan
Use your mind to scan

Four minutes from today
The end, the close, on its way
Do, think, feel, love, say

Baby, baby, babe
What is it about those words?
Thank life for mother

Be there around nine
Commitment but in L A
A mere suggestion

I see you, I do
I saw your last stage show too
Now what do you do?

My love is the sun
Her form is other worldly
Her galaxy blooms

Show me your daydream
I am missing mine today
Let me share your love

Can this really be?
We are all organized light?
Then come love with me

So what we love to
walkgossip
$ % & * + + =
I felt like the
despicable
All me *******

Putting on
my Pinterest-face
The pictures have
gone girls!!!
We are loving it bad
We became phone
The culture set
Pearls
Be fit just so_
He sits not so
Professional
Hitman
I really cannot take
any more
Let's not get banned

What!! Β- 4 *******
† $ talks ******* @
Her computer
Like a recreation park
You are talking to me

Tony Montanna
Miley Hanna Banana
Went to Fiamma
Wearing paisley
Bandana
With her *******
She could ride that

Honda
Help me, Rhonda
despicable
Undescrible
Why don't you walk out
on me every time
Doing a
May West
why don't you
come up
and see me
sometime
The fit dime
a dozen
divorces
WC Field
my little
chickadee
Has magical
forces
Swindling
your
spouses

The universe
dark curse
get reversed
Oh! Geez
Too girly
Courageous
Holly Molly
candy Pez
Such *****
Robin the
"Razzmatazz"
Holy cow take a
Shirley bow
Materialistic
cool jazz
New York City
bad climate
cabbies and
druggies

Rebel Rebel
became Sybil
With her cute
puppies
The meter is down any
After hours mortals
The Holy bad Rap
Her laptop non-stop
Top it off with ******
down to her garter

Being almost famous
please don't
bother me I can
compel anyone
that looks at me

Don't tell your boyfriend
The ring holder brother
I am far from anyone's
"Pyscho Mothers"
No trespassing
My Darlings
Desperate wives
inside the
doghouse

******* they did it
In the roughhouse
Perk me up
Pitbulls
Car tolls
Spy girls
tracking fools

Pack their suitcases

Swirly Girly
sardines
Misconduct
Acting up the Dunes
I love the month of June
There is always a sucker
getting married
I could clean anyone
dry mouth just wet
that kisser dry
Vermouth ***** liquor

I am not the sun-shiner
Worshipper

What a hotline love
destroyer
My income is generating
All escapades bomb raid's
never to be held back
escapes
Reprehensible so
despicable
Horse-y **** all
over the stable
The weaker ***
better

The Holy cable
so mischievous
The endless
opportunity
Delicious
The social media
All criteria
My sweet lord,
We are managing
just fine and very
few good ones

Valentines Day
there
good with
rejections bad ones
The best gossiper
on the mic
Those girls
being hostile
"St Thomas Apostle"
Such credibility
******* the
bad omen

Holy Toledo
walk the talk
who wins the
lotto "Gents"
¢ ¢ makes no cents
Hearing gossip
City hurry all linked
Her handcuffs his
chickadee Minked
Going first class with my
younger shades whats up
With fifty shades deeper?
To get older I can never
be beat because
I am wiser
She is the pussycat
so nifty

she scratched her views
What a snare nose
Elephant pants were
too thrifty
Her red devil
stilettos
No Ghettos in Brooklyn
That where I was born
Whats up with these
disposable coffee cups
So many remakes
TV
I rather ramble
on in my
RV
Charlies Angels
SUV
Fridays have the cup
of dirt
Oreo crumbs
it's on me
Martinelli Grape
Despicable hot
Holy night waxed
She faxed
Her voluptuous
love handles
He got her
lovesick
Glove-trick
broomstick
Chocolate
Nesquick

2 die 4 her
2-quick
Dove love trick
He possesses you
one chosen
boondock
sticks

Goodbye
Mr. Chips
bad season
bad hand trash
For big and hot lips
******* he ran
with my chips (Mash)
script movie part
Not a part
******* he wasn't fit
Her French Onion soup
The scoop exploded
Cabernet Sauvignon
Dr. Pepper Brittish
Cannon
Swizzle part deeper

Alice, she is 10 feet tall
"Extravaganza"
I will never be
an extra so small
Come over
to see me
sometimes all
In May West
My chick a dee
propaganda

*** in the City
Miranda
She is kinda
Hot tamales
Hacienda
The fire lit
fiesta

Being
washed out
Dr. Shrink
Like a snipper
skunk

Wonka kick
The 3D movie
The whole
shebang
Bang bang I
shot you down


You could rest azure
In their hair
4C bread
crumbs
Messy
detangled web
Little Deb
Red ties affair
guys start holy-****
So much hair
to wink, they saw me
for who?
*******
Molly Woo

Chinese food
Robin hood rich me
Eggrolls Rock and roll
Her ducked head
Like duck sauce
What a truce
Perfectly damaged
® for reckless
She didn't get her
debut shot

Bad luck turned
my fit to good luck
Picked those
madmen
women are courageous
So Soon then a boom
But when do I see
confidence *******
Just sit
******* just pray_

I Remember
I remember being small and the hospital big with long hallways and tall open windows
I remember prayer circle and how it didn’t work
I remember the color yellow and a funeral where I tried going to the candy jar but the door was locked and the ceremony had started
I remember it was okay because
I was only 7 and was now half orphaned                 no one stays angry at a 7 year old half orphan
You are too young to understand, don’t worry sweetie

I remember new people in the house   people who didn’t always smell good
and hair from dogs, cats, hamsters                     water on the floor from goldfish bowls

I remember we chose not to move
I remember being angry, confused, cold, tired and afraid of jack rabbits but missing visits to the desert

I remember seeing you as a stranger
awkwardly shaped moving through a swimming pool
you thought I was obnoxious,                       I remember because your friends told me
I remember forcibly inserting myself into your life
I remember flowers, fragrances, grass, scabby knees, ***** palms, the orchard, the creek, the bikes, the plumbs, the poetry the fields and the sun

I remember everything drenched in chlorine        sweat on your upper lip

I remember walking through your yard finding broken glass like diamonds.
you showed me where your dog Diego was buried
underneath your mother’s roses beside her St. Jude sculpture

I remember your yellow kitchen table
clam chowder, rice, pico, tamales, carrots, onions, steak, salmon burgers, potatoes, cheesecake
an increasing heartbeat every time we sat down for dinner with your parents.
I wish I didn’t have to eat this food

I remember new furniture, finances, fighting, moving trucks, paperwork, boxes, compartmentalizing and roommates with strange piercings

I remember replacing trees with concrete and bicycles with buses
on my first day at a new job in a new place
I found a syringe in the bathroom toilet.
I remember trains, cigarettes, crows, crosswalks, garbage, people, street art, highways that all scared the **** out of me

I remember the sting of alcohol leaving my throat and nostrils into stained porcelain while high knee socks itched my skin and strange piercings held back my hair

I remember short visits
Your sweetness and the comfort of your familiarity

I remember baking pie with my face down in the bowl
avoiding questioning eyes and tightly pressed lips of relatives
“Are you seeing someone new?”
“How is school?”
“Will you visit Texas?”
                                                         ­                                    ******* and never ask me anything again
I remember imagining myself running out the door, through the yard, down the street, over the bridge, around the river and into a quiet bed

I remember the scent of chlorine sending me into frenzy
I remember how you resented me                                          I resented the hell out of you
I remember you calling me complacent                       I remember wanting you to disappear

I remember new lips, new tastes, new palms, new faces, new smells, new picnics
and a neighbor’s dog

I remember no longer feeling angry, confused, cold, tired, or afraid of jack rabbits, but still missing visits to the desert

I remember the time we were laying in bed with the sun shining through the window, tall and open.