My life's in vain
I'm going insane,
And I can't help feeling sad

I'm going bonkers,
I've fell off my rocker,
And I'm completely, utterly mad

Caught in confusion,
My minds a delusion,
And in the shadows I hide

My life's a mistake,
Filled with things that I break,
No matter how hard I tried

I'm not doing so well,
I'm going through hell,
They ignored my hapless pleas

I fell to the ground,
And wept without sound
They left my down on my knees

Away I was tossed,
And now I'm so lost,
I feel so wonderfully dumb

I cried my tears,
And I faced my fears,
But everything now is just numb

2 a.m knows my woes,
And as a write this prose,
A tear slides down my cheek

A sob breaks free,
And I whimper softly,
That I'm so pathetic and weak

My skin is stained,
From the blood that I drained,
From my wrist in a thin little line

I perfect a disguise,
With a smile full of lies
And everyone thought I was fine

My mind's in a whirl
The demon gave a slow curl
Of his bony skeletal finger

He crept up to me,
And smiled nastily,
"You'd be prettier if you were much thinner"

I smiled a fake smile,
And held on, for a while,
but my life was filled with strife

My blood was red,
And mixed with tears that I shed,
Left alone in the room with a knife

So I put on a mask,
and completed the task,
I placed the gun to my head

I curled my finger,
And pulled the trigger,
And In the end I was dead

The lunch money you gave me was never spent on lunch,
It was spent on emptying myself more.

-laxatives

I am the darkness,
A  candle that is barely flickering,
Yet that flickering flame accompanied by the passing of lost souls ignites just enough light within to see the ugly within,
No amount of makeup can fix the scars on my face,
And that **** scale,
Is the Great Depression where all value has been lost,
I like white powder and white pills they make my toxic crimson bones a fuller shade of pink,
A pink cloud,
To float in nothingness that’s where my soul belongs
I want to shrink my body to a nothingness,
If god is love then that means I was not created into his image,
For I have never felt love with out a pericing pang in my heart,
Love is conditional,
So is god?
Nothingness though is beautiful,
But I am rotting flesh and bone with a short skirt and high heals on his bedroom floor,
He craves my destroyed body but has not time to listen to my soul,
Can you kick me out now I would like to go,
Go into the vast darkness that I am
The vastness of nothingness is my only remedy for pain of lost worth and dead souls

it all started at one dinner

"all of that is for you?"
"how can you eat so much?"
"are you sure you want all of that?"

was it wrong for me to eat what i wanted to?
i remember looking at my plate
i left it untouched the rest of the dinner
i thought it would never happen again
but again i was attacked with words

"girls dont stay skinny forever you know"
"you are going to get fat, stop eating"
"do you want to be fat?"

i was confused
had i done something wrong?
where was all this coming from?
what do you want me to do?

the tv made it worse

"look at how skinny she is"
"no wonder she has a husband"
"her child will be just as beautiful as her"

i curled into a ball ashamed of myself
why were you telling me this?
why were you being so mean?
how do i fix things between us?

i had stopped eating
the emptiness in my stomach no longer hurt
water was my only meal each day
my sleepless nights were filled with crying

"dont eat that"
"not that either, you have to stay skinny"
"you can go with one less meal"

my friends didnt know
they knew i didnt eat alot
but he knew right away
he knew something was wrong

"hey do you want this slice?" the pizza was put in front of me
one look at it and i was crying
"are you okay? whats wrong?"
i pushed the slice away and left

he was silent at first
he knew to give me my space
but you didnt
no you were still there beside me

"look what you did fat girl"
"you know skinny girls dont act stupid"
"what a fat freak"

when i finally told him what was wrong he smiled

"those are lies and you know it"
"you are so beautiful"
"you are stronger than those words"

and since then the words didnt hurt as much when you said them
sure you kept saying it
and you still do today
but i know that i am beautiful
my best friend had said so and he never lies

you cant hurt me anymore

Why is it
That I am at my most creative
When I am in the most pain
That I produce as I labour over the emotional debt I've been building up for one too many years.
That is unfair.
Why is it that
All these tortured teenage girls
Cannot sleep
Cannot eat
Cannot drink
But can choke
Choke on the pain like they choke on the ***** they will become addicted to
Cough up their lungs because of the drugs their parents told them not to take
Shudder as their legs are pried open by fingers that do not belong
Fingers that are attached to those you thought that you could trust
Cry, in the shower
So nobody can hear you
See you
Feel you
Taste you
Breathe you.
Build it up and up and up
And you are untouchable
Nobody can tell you
It'll all be okay
Because it is not and never will be.
The anti depressants you were prescribed can numb the pain
But not eliminate it
It will always buzz on the back of your brain
Like a bee flying into the cold glass of a window
Again and again.
You are trapped.

Peak depression:
Asking your spouse
"Do you wanna eat dinner?"
Rather than
"What do you want for dinner?"