dating a writer
is like guessing the weather.
you think you know what you'll get,
but you never do.

you never know
because

she'll create a hero
from your weaknesses

and she'll write a great character,
from every last flaw.

she'll create a thousand plots  
from your worst nightmares.

she'll take every last thing you hate
and create something you'll love.

she'll turn your anger
into confessions of adoration,

and she'll make you,
everything you're not.

but worst of all,
she'll leave you wondering-
is it you she's in love with,
or things she's created from you?

but here's the beauty of it:

if you date a writer,
you'll never die.

you looked at me
through half-closed lids
sleepy smile on your lips
my hand touched yours
swiftly exchanged the smoking gun
I watched your lips wrap around it
and wished it was me instead
if I could freeze time
it would be that moment
locked in the smoky room
and the prison of your mouth

dating a poet is fun,
and you'll learn things about yourself,
that you never knew.
but when you leave her,
you'll be the one who's broken.

you see,
she'll break you down
into bits and pieces-

she'll carve rhymes
into your rib cage
and
she'll make your kisses
into pentameters.

your voice becomes her rhythm,
and each color in your eye
forms a stanza.

you become pieced together
and poorly stitched,
because she's taken out
the very best parts of you
and the very worst.

she's taken you,
and cut out her favorite parts,
and she'll promise to put you back together,
but the funny thing is,
she never learned to sew.

do you remember when we met?
back in that crowded apartment?
dimly lit and packed together with no room to spare
some people wait
their whole lives for that moment
and all I remember is seeing that smile
at the corners of your mouth
but was it really a smile?

months later you flashed me
that same smile
at another house party, in another crowded apartment
where everyone knew that smile
light danced off your eyes
eyes that really knew me
gold and emerald glimmering back at me

we stumbled home in the snow that night
with the same glassy skin
it was then that I knew
how I felt about you-
it was then that I remembered that smile
that smile
that didn’t really look like a smile
but nonetheless
that smile everyone knew

I found my way to the river last week.
The current is keeping me afloat
The sun tanned my skin
The dirt ran through my hair
And the rocks almost never hit me
So I swam and swam and swam.

I came home and told you about how great it was.
I am back again today.
The current is against me  
The sun is burning it's words onto my skin
The dirt is tangled up in my throat
And the rocks hit my rib cage like bullets.
You're not here anymore.
But I'm swimming.
I will swim and swim and swim.

my life is becoming a series of unfinished poems
there's one about the time
we walked home drunk
and kissed in the snow
I remember it so vividly
and there's one about the time you slept over
and how you held my hand
when you thought i was sleeping
but these poems are unfinished
likely because you and i
are unfinished business-
or rather, unofficial, unlabeled, I'm unsure-
I don't even know what we are
And I want to ask,
but then i remember that i am supposed to be the cool girl
the girl who does not care about what we are doing
and doesn't like labels
the girl who says "yes come over and drink"
but doesn't worry about what she'll confess when drunk
the girl who is okay with making out
but just calling this friends
the girl who doesn't ask questions
because she doesn't care about answers
but i am young and i am not the cool girl
i have never been the cool girl
questions to me are spaces to write answers
answers that i want to know
that i want to learn
that i want to hear
so please
just tell what this is. what we are.
i don't know why this seems to be so hard

I am standing alone,
In a too-crowded room,
Between a fellow ex,
And your newest fad,
Finally I realize,
I am just another name on a list-
You never loved me,
I was just another conquest-
Nothing more than an insignificant battle
In the war of your life.
* But the battlefield has since become my burial ground.

Today at church
we played a name game
and somewhere down the line
I was sitting next to you
For the first time in ten months
wondering if my name
still tastes like honey to you
Or if you even remember
What it felt like
When it rolled off your tongue
Because I still taste yours
Vibrating on my lips
And I still feel
your vanilla kisses
across my chest

A fair October morning
A kiss on the mouth
     Bliss
A January night
A three word whisper
     Promises  
A sunny April weekend
A hotel couch
     Lust
A dark October night
A few more fights
     Change
A chilly December day
A new spark
     Secrets
A cloudy January afternoon
A silent drive
     Goodbye

The doctor closed the fist-shaped hole
Of your absence,
With little black knots,
"Come back in six months;
We'll check up on you"
I'm sitting on the table,
But there is no doctor.
There is me and there is you.
You're whispering
Sweet nothings into my ear,
And tearing my stitches out,
One by one.
I can see the hole again-
"Code Blue"
Only it's not blue,
Your eyes are green.
And I when I wake up later,
You're back.
I try to talk, but you interrupt-
you tell me I'm pretty.
"Begin compressions"
Blood is everywhere.
Months pass.
You are lying in bed next to me;
You kiss me on the mouth.
"Charge to 300"
You are gone.
Please don't come back.

Your fingertips wandered
The forests of my skin,
for a year, three months and one week.

Your kisses lingered around my neck,
Pearls strung delicately across a haphazard creation.
Your thumbprints were inked across my ribcage,
Polka dots on my least favorite sweater.
Your fingers mined gems from the ridges of my hipbones,
Diamonds found within the depths of my self-loathing.
Your lips planted daisies the crooks of my collarbones,  
Black-holes of misery turned into a rainbow of gardens.

I have not felt your embrace
Or heard your voice,
In a year, eleven months, a week and four days.

The pearls have been replaced
With the noose of your bitterness.
Your thumbprints have become plum-colored bruises,
Diamonds have turned to coal,
And, like a fool,
I mistook daisies for venus fly traps-
They catch every thought of you,
And I'm now I'm closed in.

I was once wild,
But in your arms,
You'd managed to tame me.
And once you'd finished,
You threw me back into the jungle.
Here, it is eat or be eaten-
The sun is bright,
And I fear that I am not the lion.

You said I was the first
And only girl you ever loved.
To show me,
You gave me
a little black ball of fuzz,
A tiny life,
with eyes as green as yours,
And with that cat,
You sparked my newest love.
When I doubted,
You didn't bother to ask why,
You just ran.
I came back,
Hoping you were there.
Ironically enough,
You had left me for a girl
Who already loved cats...

But she will never love you.

I had you over for my birthday
Two years ago
                                                             ­                           -Don't you remember?
We watched a movie.
You used that blanket from my bed.
The old plaid one.
It was tan and blue.
I forgot the title of that movie.
                                                                ­         -That actress you like was in it.
Pieces of the memory must've bled away in the shower,
Just drips down the drain.
                                                                ­                  -it only took one this time
I love that blanket.
I use it every night.
Pulled up to the tips of my ears.
But strewn to the left.
                                                           ­  -I have to sleep with one foot out now
I think it smells like you.
                                                                ­     -I've washed it a hundred times.
Or maybe it just a memory.
I have this old fleece blanket.
It's plaid
                                                           ­                     -a plaid of tans and blues...
I think tan is a warm color.
                                                          ­        -but not as warm as your fingertips
Nothing's ever the same as you.
Even though I love that blanket
It will never be you.
It will never keep me warm like your arms did.
It will never love my laugh like you did.
Not now. Not soon. *Not ever.

I could not find myself an ocean
That mimicked your eyes
So I went down to the river bed.
I looked at the grass and I realized
Your eyes were never blue.

A year has passed,
And here we are:
Lover to lover,
Ex to ex,
Face to face.

My hair is short now-
I cut off fourteen inches.
And my skin is paler.

You've gotten taller,
I always felt like a child around you.
Your eyes are greener.

You're looking at me-
Studying me.
You tell me I look different-
You tell me I look prettier.

I smile and mumble thank you.
You smile too,
But your eyes are dark,
And your hands are trembling-

I am prettier now.
I talk more. I'm different.
I'm what you wanted.

And now you panic.
You're scared and you're angry.
You lost me.
You lost me and you wish now,
That you could come back.
You wish that you'd never said those words-
"This is where I leave you"

For a while,
I wished too.
But now, you can watch.
You can watch me
Grow and talk and get prettier
You can watch me walk away
Away from you now,
And away from everything we had.
I don't wish anymore.

Now I walk away.
Now, this is where I leave *you.

it started with the friends,
and moved to the benefits
friends + benefits
we lessened the benefits
but we stayed friends
benefits - benefits
now you've ignored the friends
benefits - friends
here we are,
friends + benefits - benefits - friends
and we went into this knowing there was an end,
but who would've guessed the end meant you'd never to speak to me ever again?

i have my mother's fight and my father's loyalty.
and when it's good, it's grand.
i will paint your skies every shade of purple i can find.
i will stand by your side like man's best friend,
fighting for you, fighting with you.

i have my mother's fight and my father's loyalty,
but when it's bad...it's bad.
but i will still be here when
you say my skies look more like bruises
from fighting too hard, too much-
words thrown like fists, messy and unrefined.
i will still be here even when
you tell me my lavender sky was unrealistic,
my head always stuck in the clouds.

i have my mother's fight and my father's loyalty-
but what good does that combination do me
when they aren't together anyways?

I turned you into my favorite rhymes-
Developed your smile into first lines,
Channeled your eyes in my deepest fears.

I made you stay-
Burned your name into stanzas,
Carved your body onto paper.

I loved everything about you-
Idolized your tragic flaws,
Transformed your harsh words into art.

I turned you into poetry,
But I never made you love me.

It took me months to open you up,
And find all of your secrets,
And in those months,
You slowly changed  
We are to
We *were

I firmly believe that the issue with us
was not an uncanny ability to dissemble,
but rather intense desire.

You craved submission and control,
you wanted compliance
and you sought out a weakness I didn't know I had.

I craved acceptance and confidence,
I wanted acquaintance.

In your pillage of my soul
you took a piece of me
that's need I knew not.

You took the very piece holding me together
and tried to shove it into yourself,
hoping, wishing, praying
it would make you who you wanted to be.

And in the flurry of your thievery,
you ripped me apart
and left me without the innocence
I'd never know.

1.  She will love you more than anything, but she will grow tired of the bitter taste your words leave.

2. She will leave you and you will deny yourself the right to feel anything for her. It will **** you.

3. She will spend her nights with a pencil or pen, and you will fill yours with a different girl each time- desperately trying to find someone who's eyes look like hers.

4. No one will compare to her, but you will fail to learn that. She will be one of a kind and you are a jack of all trades. She will continue being her own and you will become just another card in the deck.

5. She will forgive you for every mistake, but she will not forget the way your words left scars on her chest.

6. All she will ever want is to feel like you fight for her, but you'll never go to bat for anything other than yourself.

7. If it would bring you back, she would apologize for every second thought and every slash of tongue- and she would mean it.

8.  She will try and reconcile as best she can, but she will always seem to forget how stubborn you are.

9. You will love her more than any other woman in your life, and she will feel the same. When she leaves, you will find yourself looking for her in everyone- but she will move on without you.

10. For her, it will always be you. You could come back in three years, and live four time zones ahead, and she will wake up at two am just to make sure you slept okay. Her arms will always be open, with your name etched into her ribs.

11. For you, she will always be stained by the bitterness of your abandonment. An abandonment you will bring upon yourself, when you decide that the girl next door is better than the one in your bed.

12. She will want to stay friends- close, but not too close; you should let her, but you won't. I feel sorry for you- everyone wants her on their side. She will love fiercely and she will support you even when you don't deserve it.

13. It doesn't matter what girls you will try and love after her because none of them will be as good. She will know your past and your future, she will love you even when your insecurities shine like headlights. She will know and she won't care.

14. Every girl you will try to love is made up of pieces of her. One will love cats, another will swim and another will be very quiet. You will search for her in every girl you meet, but you will never find her. You will never find her because she will finally run away from your headlights, your bitter words and the knives you throw at her chest.

15. When you finally realize all of this, it will be too late to catch her.

love her,
leave her.
there is nothing more to it.

you told me to stop Writing abOut you
because all you ReaD was bitterneSs,
but who are you to Decide
what stOries are Not mine To teLl?
As if every Single syllable
uTtered from you lips isn't mine now.
did you think thAt i would forget?
or maybe you thought the wind
would pick up your wordS
and shuffle thEm awAy
like fall leaveS-
here tOday, but goNe tomorrow.

When you and I were we,
You introduced me:
Never as your girlfriend,
Never as your love,
But only by name
And when people ask who she is,
You say
"This one is special"
But she was not the one
Who had you laughing at the wind,
While you got on a knee,
And put a lifesaver ring
on her left hand.
*So who the hell was I?

allow me to set the scene:
the lights are low- or maybe off-
or maybe you’re illuminated by each other’s smiles
and the dimly lit faerie lights draped along the headboard.
the blankets are pushed to a corner
and somewhere tangled in the sheets
are the clothes you showed up in.
the walls you’ve built have been completely
and irrevocably destroyed- but for once, that’s okay.
you can feel the weight of his ribs against your hips,
this is what you’ve been waiting for-
well not this, but him.
“stay” you whisper.
and of course, he continues.
you could swear everything is just melting around you
because you look at his face
and it’s like you’re somewhere beyond cloud nine
but this is not what you meant.
“stay” did not mean put your hands on my thighs
and keep going.
it didn’t mean keep your clothes off.
“stay” meant come lay down next to me
and hold my hand when you think i’m sleeping
it meant let’s fall asleep to the sound of each other’s laugh.
“stay” meant bare feet under covers
and space heater skin
I wish I understood how these emotions became ******* like this
it’s the *** before the feeling
but why does it have to be like this?
i always find myself apologizing
and wondering what’s wrong with me-
i can’t help that i find a deep emotional investment within people
i can’t help that when i look at you
i feel like every poem i’ve ever read
but it seems like you and i have been reading different books.

You left in the midst of winter
I was okay
But then I felt the wind
Blowing through my chest

I tried to find a boy to fill it,
To keep me warm.
The one with the tan skin,
And the one with the icy eyes,
But it never worked.

You didn't leave a perfect hole,
Not a circle,
Not a square,
But ragged and crooked.
You were gone in a blink,
And I haven't seen you since

**I'm beginning to like the cold

the last night we went out
you brought me white daisies.
they reminded me of when we met.
i left them on the counter,
and followed you to the car.
we came home- straight to my bedroom.
the next morning i tiptoed to the kitchen,
looking for you,
but instead i found the daisies all wilted and brown.
i thought you had the Midas touch of love,
but like the daisies,
i was dead the second you touched me.
*i wouldn't change a thing.

your lips on mine
and a hand on my shoulder
says welcome back
your lips on my shoulder
and me in your arms
says **welcome home

When I realized
I was in love with you,
It was no movie scene.
No red roses,
No heart chocolates-
It was simple.
Like going out in May,
Wearing shorts and standing in a puddle
Looking at the sky thinking,
"I guess I should have
Checked the weather this morning."

We used "I love you" like a heartbeat.
Hoping that saying it
would make us feel something .
Hoping that our midnight whispers
would make it real.
I've since discovered
that you're nothing
but a broken mirror.
Now I'm bleeding out.

(1) October
leather converse and a grey hoodie,
lipslipslips
behind the pool,
but it could have been the Eiffel Tower,
all I saw was you.

(3) December
silver bells and open flames,
familyfamilyfamily
always made me feel safe,
but nothing could protect me
from the icy gaze of your mother.

(4) January
icy nights and harry potter,
lovelovelove
like the howling wind at midnight,
whispered in my ear,
but did i hear you right?

(5) February
reds and pinks
kisskisskiss
grazing along my skin,
as if you had the Midas' touch,
so why were the roses you gave me already dead?

(7) April
freckled skin and fruity lotion
legslegslegs
spread apart like your favorite book,
wishing for the soft gaze of adoration,
but knowing it was only lust.

(9) July
warm sand and chlorine kissed skin,
handshandshands
you promised to keep me up,
but when the waves came,
I choked on water, while you laughed in the sun.

(11) September
school bells and new cars,
leatherleatherleather
warm under the sun,
sticking to my legs,
just like your lips on my neck.


(13) November
tan blankets and thanksgiving break,
friendsfriendsfriends
seventeen candles stuck around the cake,
ready for the wish
I thought had come true.

(14) December
windy nights and rainy mornings
fightfightfight
we couldn't see eye to eye,
and the lines between blame and fault,
blurred and turned grey.

(15) January
cloudy days and lonely nights,
alonealonealone
I said goodbye,
and sometimes I still wonder why-
but your mother never liked me anyway.

For 18 years,
I had hair down to my hips.
Blonde and curly-
My trademark.
I left you
And with a quick decision,
My hair fell to the floor at your feet-
I'd hoped that if I didn't look
Like the girl who broke your heart,
I wouldn't feel like her either.

he kisses my shouldeR-
And woW, that's a really nice bElt
his hands are on my hips-
but What do you fear most?
he opens His bedroom door-
is this the Answer To my question
or the bEginning of *yours?

I found myself sitting among
Fragments of broken promises
Looming around me like
Shards of glass-

I picked them up as best I could:
A slice to the wrist, and a second,
And a few more.
But I never got them all.

I thought leaving you
Was the last of my messes,
But it seems to have
Broken down my walls
And shattered all my mirrors.

It has been months, I know I'm over you-
But at night,
I can still feel your hand in mine,
And I can still feel my heart,
Beating in time with yours.

No one ever told me
That leaving wouldn't break the one I left ,
But me too.

And they didn't ever tell me,
That leaving can occur in seconds,
But last for years.

I've learned that no one told me these secrets,
Because they're secrets no one wants to have-

It's something you have to learn for yourself,
And silence underneath years of experience,
You have to bury it-
Forget where you marked X
And leave it a secret unfound.

  *I just wish I could find my shovel

1*
i used to talk aBout you liKe
you ContrOlled the oCean's tides
but now you're gonE.
you're gone And i'M drowning.
2
It took You six weeks to kiss me
because yOu Said you were waiTing
untIL the time feLt right...
how Long did yoU wait
until it was the right time
tO leaVe mE?
3
I used to know You
lIke freckles on My Skin,
but yOu left
now even yoUr name
iS foreign to me.
4
It took me one yEar
a foot of haiR
and hanDfuls of ignoreD texts
but now i'Ve learned:
You'rE not coming back.
yoU dOn't love me.
5
they say
the effecTs of AlCohol
beGin dImiNshing an hoUr
aftEr every drink.
iT's been nine mOnths
and i still feeL You
bUrninG dOwn my throat.
6
are an empty hoUse
and unheard soUnds
reason enough to Call you
or can i only hear Your voice
when it's telling me tO
go **** myself?

Is the way that you think of me
Different from (how) others do?
(Do) they see me as a quiet, unlovable girl, 
Or more importantly do (you)? 
How could anyone (love) me?
I'm (a) simple (girl),
There's not much to (like), 
Nothing too special,
I'm just (me),
(for I) prefer to be quiet,
I'd rather sit in silence,
Than give every detail of who I (am),
I'm (not) a summer day,
Nor am I (a rose),
I suppose I'm more like the winter,
Not too harsh or too cold,
(But) a little chill
That leaves you longing for (a) familiar warmth,
Or maybe I'm like the first (leaf) of fall,
I fall alone,
And perhaps it's meant to be that way

i can hear my heart beating,
but it doesn't bother me.
i can hear birds chirping,
but it's so dull.
i can hear my favorite song playing,
but it's just noise.
i can see you,
but you say nothing.
            this silence is deafening.

i will never know you better
than i did the moment
i woke to your bare skin
and quiet snores

YoU left With a shot tO my cHest,
the Air iS leavinG my lungs
i suppose i'll just laY here
i dOn't Need Your help Because
You always haTed that I was sO DependEnt
i wish i'D learneD cpr

I read something about
how boys never end up with manic pixie dream girls;
they just hang around and use her
until someone more docile comes along
when you say you can’t pick me up right now
even though my parents
are cutting each other with words,
I think to when you broke my heart
“we have nothing in common,
and you’re so young”
and I wonder if maybe
I’m your Manic Pixie Dream Girl:
here to teach you about the life you don’t know
about it’s mysteries and nuances,
about wild *** and drunken nights
only for you to leave me again.
when will that happen?
what will she be like?
will I always be someone’s Manic Pixie Dream Girl?

you were fire
and i was doused in gasoline.
you touched me
and suddenly,
i went up in flames.
you touched me,
and i ceased to exist.

You passed by me last night,
When you walked through the door
I felt your hand touch my back-
For a second my breath hitched,
But I didn't feel like crying.
I didn't cry;
I didn't flinch.
It took me fifteen months
But I think it's safe to say:
My demons no longer look like you.

A blink of an eye
Dry throat,
Silent words,
Too hard to speak.
Bitter encounters,
A Broken heart,
Desperate cries,
Fell unto deaf ears.
I fought like hell.
You're still gone.

it was october,
and you bought me dinner.
in december,
it was a tee shirt
and february,
it was pink roses.

in april,
you came with a blue sundress.
and july,
it was the little black kitten.
in september,
it was a movie.

my birthday came in november,
and that time it was a necklace.
in december,
it was dinners,
and movies,
a bracelet-
all just things.

because in the end,
you'd given me everything
I'd ever wanted,

but you never gave me
what i needed,
and all along that was you.

loving you should've been
whispers of admiration,
longing,
happiness-
puppy love
in every sense.
but loving you was
slashes to the wrist,
the hip,
the thigh-
self destruction
in its purest form.

you say you are afraid
afraid that something deeper
is going to end up hurting you
as it always does

but at what point
do you realize
you cannot have deeper
without the hurt

because the risk of pain
pales in comparison
to finding someone worth keeping

the early winter rain had come and gone,
clouds suggested a part,
as little rays of gold spilled through.

voices spilled from in front of us,
petty words and silly plots.
and there we sat,
curled against each other,
under feathers and fleece,
skin on my shoulder,
fingers on your hips.

i felt the hissing next to my ear,
i just wish i could remember the words.
but instead, i'm plagued by the vision:
my tediously shaking hands,
hesitantly moving against your skin,
awkward, uncomfortable, out of place. 

i remember feeling afraid,
as if i would shatter every piece of you.
i've realized that
i was terrified of breaking
the one beautiful thing in my life.

winter had set in,
permanent blots of grey for miles,
and god, the wind kept me up till orange filled the sky.

but the cold brought friends,
and demons made a home in the back of my mind-
they all whispered about you.

and so a new vision set in:
throats closed around unspeakable words,
as it rained harder inside that car than any sky ever could
and just like winter knocks the leaves from fall's hands,
my shaky hands dropped you to the floor-
beauty seems so hard to come by since then.

maybe it's because i lost you,
maybe it's the demons whispering into my ears-
i couldn't exactly tell you why, but
i always cry in january.